Shirt Stains: Unleash the Kraken-gina
You know you want to click it. Don’t worry. It won’t bite…much.
I had every intention of writing about this Huntress shirt just in time for Halloween. Over the past week, though, frontwoman Jill Janus announced on Facebook that the band was breaking up. Then, guitarist Blake Meahl took to Facebook himself to state that the band was, in fact, not breaking up and that Janus was dealing with several mental health issues. Following that, Janus herself stated that she is still the singer for Huntress. That’s a lot to process in about 48 hours.
Personally, it didn’t feel right to goof on the band while their singer was going through personal issues. I do hope that Jill Janus receives the proper care and support that she needs. It seems that all is right with the Huntress world for now, so let’s get back to what Shirt Stains is all about: making fun of bad band merchandise.
For this Shirt Stains, I was hoping do something a little more interactive than usual. You may notice that the shirt in question hasn’t been posted in the article yet. There’s a reason for this: For those of you with webcams, smartphones, or any other device that can quickly take your picture digitally, I want you to turn that device on now. I want you to capture your genuine reaction when you first see this Huntress shirt and then post it in the comments section. Don’t have something that can take your picture (or you’re just too lazy to do it)? Post the most accurate picture/gif of your reaction. Ready? Set? Picture!
Here’s my reaction:
I initially didn’t want to write anything when I saw this shirt. Part of me felt like there was nothing I could possibly say about this shirt, but no, the world must know. The world must know about this Kraken-gina that Huntress has unleashed upon this world. Or is it a Medusa-gina? Maybe it’s a reverse Chimera. Either way, it’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that someone had this idea. It’s ridiculous that someone thought it would look good on a shirt. It’s ridiculous that someone somewhere may actually purchase this. It’s ridiculous that said person would actually wear this in public. It’s ridiculous that someone drew this.
Speaking of the artwork itself, it strongly reminds me of the VH1 Classic web cartoon Metal Headzzz. Please don’t tell me it’s actually done by the same artist. My brain can’t handle that knowledge. I’ll forget how to do long division. Let’s zoom in a bit. Joe-de Orange: Enhance!
Look at the detail on this design. Time and care went into this. A conscious decision was made to include lots of pubic hair. Think about that. Someone took the time to say “Should this Kraken-gina have hair or not? We don’t want people to think it’s an underage girl, right? Better put in lots of wispy pubes. Don’t want people to think the band is weird.” I’d also like to point out that this cartoon Janus, while being spread-eagle with snakes coming out of her hoo-hah still has her top on. Is this really the time to be modest? The birthday candle fingernails are nice, though. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, really. This isn’t the first time Huntress has put out a head-scratcher of a shirt.
The more I look at this shirt, the more I’m thinking about it and I don’t like it. Maybe those snakes aren’t coming out of her va-jay-jay. Maybe….maybe they’re being sucked in! For all that is a good and covered in peanut butter and chocolate, why? Are her lady parts designed by Hoover? Does it make a popping sound when they go in/out like someone opening up Tupperware? Is she singing? Screaming for help? Yelling for the rest of the band to check out her new trick? I don’t know anymore. Let’s just take a look at the back. Maybe it’ll help me forget about this wearable night terror.
Look at that. It worked.
This shirt is available for purchase for the low, low price of $25.00 (!) if you’re morbidly curious or want to get rid of some friends.