Shirt Stains: Undie Stains

Gird your loins with these band-themed underpants.

There comes a time in every megahuge band’s career that they must tread the trail blazed by KISS, the golden gods of unnecessary merchandise. Lo, to keep the money piling in, you must emblazon your name on every piece of useless garbage that will soon choke our streams and top off our landfills. If everyone already owns your albums, t-shirts, posters, action figures, key fobs, and coffins, how else can you make a buck? Enter: the undies. Though another person will never actually see you in your underwear (I am of course, talking directly to you and no one else), it is essential to gird your loins with fresh fabrics every morn’. It is with this logic that bands opt to print their band name on a seventy-five cent pair of Hanes and sell ’em to superfans for twenty bucks. Hopefully, in the astronomically small chance that another human chooses to see you in your Y-fronts, they’re too distracted by your weird birthmark to notice the death core logo on your shorts.

In the course of writing this blog post, I conducted many, many fruitless and/or shockingly NSFW Google queries to find the undergarments presented below. Notably absent, were fur-lined Manowar skivvies, and shockingly, Pantera thongs. C’mon Vinnie, that’s a lay-up if I’ve ever seen one. Just sell them at The Clubhouse, my dude.


Godsmackin’ dat Ass

godsmack underwear

I can picture the scene: you’re out for a quiet night of chili-cheez nachos and Bud Ice at your local demolition derby when you see her from the corner of your eye; a comely lass with dark blue eyeshadow, Looney Tunes sweatshirt, and a Pall Mall menthol dangling from her pouty lips. “EY”, she wheezes in your ear, “Yinz wanna git outta here, go somewheres where there ain’t no cars blowin’ up?” From the back of your Toyota Tercel, you embrace amorously, peeling of her pink sweatpants to reveal these hard rawkin’ underpants and a tribal butt tattoo. You black out from passion and also drugs. You awake in an empty parking lot, covered in empty Coors cans, your bitchin’ Tercel long gone. Was it all but a dream? Or were you enchanted by… Voodoo?


Fallujundies

Fallujah undies

Great news Tech Death Thursday fans! If you enjoy the widdly diddly wankery of tech death, you can now put it directly on your genitals! I can hear you drooling through the computer screen, so here’s your link to buy these Fallujah underpants for yourself or for your significant other.


Burzundies

Burzum undies

I’m glad that an etsy store owner has decided to make these Burzum panties. This little piece of cloth serves as an excellent warning that you have somehow missed many, many red flags that the wearer of these underpants is either a nazi-sympathizer or, even worse, a fan of boring eurosynth music.


Agoraphobic Noseblundies

Agoraphobic Nosebleed front

Agoraphobic Nosebleed back

On one hand, I appreciate that Agoraphobic Nosebleed has inverted the often sexist nature of bands only printing women’s underwear. On the other hand, the model in these underpants makes it abundantly clear that unless you’re cut up like a Roman god, men should maybe avoid wearing briefs lest they look like children. Someone get this kid some clothes and a Capri Sun.


Whitesnak– OOOH wait, I get it now. Gross.

Whitesnake Undies

Hey check it out, I found your mom’s panties.


 

(Images Via, Via, Via, Via, Via)

Written by:

Published on: February 26, 2016

Filled Under: Shirt Stains

Views: 1459

Tags: , , , , ,

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Goddamnit Whitesnake

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Fucking christ.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    The only underpants I need are the faces of my enemies.

    • Rob M

      Can you machine wash those or do you need a dry cleaner?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Wash?

  • Released today, 24 years ago.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZaPr5OUIwA

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Oh, no shit? Nice!

      • Hail to The Pagan Winter.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          All fucking day. That album is fucking perfect. Riffs, vocals, vibe, etc.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      420 BLAZE IN THE NORTHERN SKY

    • DVRKBEVRD

      was just blasting Transilvanian Hunger this morning (while working in Transylvania county!)

      • Eliza

        Like real Transylvania?

        • DVRKBEVRD

          for real. also known as the Land ov Waterfalls
          http://www.transylvaniacounty.org

          • Eliza

            Oh, I thought it was Romanian Transylvania.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            nope. Home ov the White Squirrel <<<<<<<<<

          • COAL ROLL

            also known in those parts as Lunch

          • DVRKBEVRD

            exactly

          • I’ve skinned a Squirrel and cooked it over a camp fire before. It was not bad, just not a lot of substance.

          • Boss the Ross

            Nice. Squirrel tastes good, but as you said, it’ll take a few to fill you up.

          • Yeah, same goes for rabbit.

          • Rob M

            In other words…swing by KFC and grab yourself a bucket o’ squirrels

          • Boss the Ross

            That’d be cool

          • DVRKBEVRD

            ron swanson?

          • Eliza

            Did you find the squirrel?

          • I found it and then I shot it.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            was it white tho?

          • Nah, it was just some regular Pennsylvanian squirrel.

          • Eliza

            If you were to compare it to other animal’s meat, what does it taste like?

          • Hmm, I can’t really remember. It was very smoky I remember though from the camp fire. Rabbit is similar to chicken though.

          • Eliza

            I haven’t had rabbit yet, but I was told it’s pretty good. Then again, I was also told cabbage is good and I usually hate that.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            ground hog

          • Eliza

            Helpful.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            lol all those animals kivda taste alike. very gamey, earthy, greasey tasting chicken

          • Eliza

            I see. It’s not like I’m some sort of expert anyway.

          • Eliza

            Actually, I wanted to say “hunted”. Same difference.

          • I gottcha man.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Just like you…………………ZING!!!!!!!!

          • DVRKBEVRD

            its actually a super affluent place

          • Rob M

            So they serve it on a bed of rice?

          • DVRKBEVRD

            lol

  • Kvlt Bvtt

  • Boss the Ross

    I demand to see aforementioned fur-lined ManOwaR skivvies.

    • I found manowar condoms. No undies tho.

      • Guacamole Jim

        eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

      • Boss the Ross

        Aw, gross.

      • DVRKBEVRD

        if you got the condoms, do you rly need the undies?

  • Hahaha Godsmack still do things?

    • Owlswald

      Unfortunately yes and Sully is also still alive.

      • I mean I’m cool with him being alive, but if he could be alive and not making shitty music that would be nice.

        • Owlswald

          Don’t think that’s possible as long as he’s alive.

          • Rob M

            Well, I mean he could always lose all is fingers to frostbite or something right?

    • Brosmack.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Sadly. They came to my area last year. I did not go.

      • Good call.

      • Guacamole Jim

        They weren’t the ones who were so far away, then.

    • Guacamole Jim

      They’re alive, for you they’re awake. Because of you.

      • Old Man Doom

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • Owlswald

    I’m willing to bet Fallujah could expand their merch sales by advertising those to Hooters.

  • Dubs

    I know Cannibal Corpse sell thongs for ladies, but dudes can wear thongs too.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      I’d love to see you wear thongs.

      • Maik Beninton™

        When did KJU hacked your account?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        He has no butt to hold them up, though. Remember?

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Heck.

      • Dubs

        I may or may not own a few.

    • DVRKBEVRD

      the Banana Hammock

    • sweetooth0

      “fucked with a knife”. Maximum class.

  • COAL ROLL

    this gave me a great idea

    • COAL ROLL

      behold

      • Waynecro

        To defend against all the genital-crushing music the Toilet features. Brilliant marketing right there, dude.

        • Boss the Ross

          Like Altarage…

          • Waynecro

            So goddamned crushing.

        • COAL ROLL

          I could embroider this on the back of the waist band

          • Rob M

            Man, you need to Bedazzle that shit

          • Waynecro

            I’d totally rock that jock strap during a sparring match.

  • How are there no Manowar banana hammocks? You’d think that’d be the first piece of merch to sell to your fans.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    You’re welcome. All of you. Bastards.

  • Guacamole Jim

    “Built to Grind” on that dude’s pasty, doughy ass is fucking hilarious.

  • Eliza

    None of these look comfortable.

  • Joe, you did just fine on your edition of Shirt Stains. i was worried it would go something like this: “check out THESE undies… crazy right? how about THOSE… i mean, who would even? and finally, THIS pair. say whaaaaaaaaaaaaa”

  • Dagon

    I only wear briefs because I gotta have that mobility, son.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Boxer briefs are the only answer.

    • Waynecro

      Boxers, man. If you end up losing your pants in public suddenly and without warning, you might be able to play it off like you’re just wearing shorts. #BePrepared

      • Dagon

        http://www.ecouterre.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/eco-mens-underwear-american-apparel.jpg

        I look like a kid who somehow got a beergut. No fucks given.

        • Waynecro

          But if you wear such restrictive gear, you can’t do that always-hilarious trick where you flop your balls around to create a crowd-pleasing slapping sound.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          I like that dude’s bulge.

      • Gotta be free ballin’, boxers for me.

      • Leif Bearikson

        Psh, best of both worlds: Boxer briefs.

        • Waynecro

          I don’t want to feel that sexy, bro.

      • more beer

        Plus your junk gotta be able to breath!

  • ..

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Mother of God this is it. The worst piece of band merch I’ve ever seen. Shut this down, it’s over.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Here ya go. Enjoy.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Why do they do this? It makes it much harder to love them.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I’m glad you’re sad.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’m not sad, I’m just dumbfounded as to who thought this was a good idea.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I’m glad you’re dumbfounded.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            You’re probably rocking one of those right now.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t buy band underwear. It’s expensive. I prefer my underwear to be from Jockey or Fruit Of The Loom.

    • wild a.i.

      Pretty sure CC did this first too with eaten back to life underwear

  • I immediately regret my decision of clicking on this article.
    *gulp*

    GL

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      You’ve come to save us from this abomination!

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        No golden thrones to follow
        No shrines of solace to be found
        And only the locusts shall sing
        at the end of the day

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          The day will come when nothing but net will be said by fishermen alone. And lengthy fellows and Kentucky residents will start listening to Gary Cherone.

          • HAHAHAAAAAAAAA mazlozl

        • Dagon

          Mgla?

          This is from memory. Could be something else.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Correct!

          • Dagon

            Those verses stuck with me after Stanley’s Mgla series. Dope ass bars.

  • Dagon

    On the real though, I don’t think metal undies are necessarily bad. Or at least undies that pick up a hybrid of metal and streetwear aesthetics.

    I won’t post the picture here because some people have jobs, but if I had a girlfriend I’d give her several Creep Street undies.

    • Waynecro

      If a gal is nice enough to take her pants off in front of me, I’m too grateful to care much about what kind of underwear she has on.

      • Dagon

        Hahaha, it’s been like that for me as well.

        • Waynecro

          Though I certainly wouldn’t complain if I saw a metal-band logo on some gal’s underwear. Indeed, such a garment would merit a presex high five.

          • Sure, but I ain’t messing ’round with Burzum butt.

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            THAT SOUND LIKE NEW KIND OV STD!!!!!!!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, I’ll just stick to my Filosofem longsleeve. Ain’t messin’ around with no undies.

          • Waynecro

            I’m sorry, miss. I find your Burzum underwear a bit offensive because of Varg’s blatant racism. Would you mind changing into these Watain panties before we get started?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahaha.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Watain is terrible tho.

          • Waynecro

            But not fronted by an outspoken nazi.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Beargod is an outspoken nazi but you still like him.

          • Waynecro

            I find this accusation difficult to believe. You’re probably just trying to trick me so you can launch a stab attack. Nice try, Tapir.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            its one of his most common feints

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I guess you do not own his NSBM project’s albums.

          • His band?

          • Waynecro

            Not that I’m aware of, I guess.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Fuckin’ scrub!

          • Waynecro

            What NSBM band are you referencing?

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Trve Nordic Aryan Masters. Beargod plays everything in it. My NSBM project, Might Is Right, will release a split album with his project this year.

          • more beer

            For fucks sake Tapir stop fucking with the man.

          • Waynecro

            I’m in a Hebrew black-metal band called Jewdas Iscariot.

          • Old Man Doom

            I’m gonna be completely honest with ya, bro: if my lady-friend wore those Fallujah undies for me, I’d be stoked. High fives indeed.

          • Dagon

            Dong-five

      • BobLoblaw

        • Waynecro

          I appreciate a gal with a sense of humor.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      Some people have jobs.

      • DVRKBEVRD

        jorbs

  • I could really go for some Pig Destroyer boxer shorts. Prowler In The Dong would be some nice under attire.

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    THESE!!!!! LOOK!!!!!!!! AWEEESOOOOMMEE!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Lacertilian

    The Fallujah ones should come with a conpression warning.

  • Defenestrator

    The serious, thoughtful nature of the captions right under the cringe pics is just hilarious. I had to open a beer as soon as I saw the title. Funniest post on this site I’ve seen