Shirt Stains: Thrash Test Dummies

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Splish, splash, I was listening to thrash / Long about a Saturday night.

Thrashin’ of the Christ. Tango & Thrash. Diaper Thrash. Balderthrash. Thrash Borer. Thrash Gordon. Thrash of the Titans. Thrashed potatoes. Thrash Browns. Phil Labonte’s missing musthrasche.

Megadeth – Megakek

megadethsstains

Sweet Mustaine on the Great Plains! Megadeth are no strangers to Shirt Stains so there’s no need to rehash how the band is just a revolving door of hired musicians. There’s no need to bring up all the insane things Dave Mustaine has said in the past, oh, three decades. I know about them. You know about them. Now, we all know about this terrible, awful, no good very bad shirt.

Does this count as an all-over print shirt? I think it does. If it doesn’t, screw you, it does. This is one “AFFLICTION” or “TAPOUT” print away from being sponsored by an off-brand energy drink like Blue Bison or Demon. Are those spiderwebs all over the shirt? Varicose veins? Silly string?

Vic Rattlehead is getting the 10-finger treatment from a bunch of grabby imps. Or are they goblins? Can one of our D&D experts let us know? I’d hate to be inaccurate when ripping on an ugly shirt for a band led by a jerkass. The one redeeming value of this shirt is the smooth dance moves Vic Rattlehead is busting out. I can practically hear the Electric Slide. It’s Megadeth! Boogie woogie oogie!

Testament – Testabro

testamentshirtstains

If the previous shirt wasn’t technically an all-over print, then this one definitely fits the bill. This shirt is a full print of the Testament’s 2012 album Dark Roots of Earth. I wouldn’t blame anyone if they didn’t know this shirt was for Testament because their name appears nowhere on it. There isn’t really any way to know this is even a band shirt. Throw in some armpit sweat stains and this could easily be sold in any tabletop gaming store.

In fact, this shirt is a wolf or two away from getting a 5-star review on Amazon. Maybe this Testament shirt can be the catalyst for a new wave of fantasy bro shirts. I can picture some MMA fighters wearing this while pounding Muscle Milk and shoving handfuls of grilled chicken down their unnaturally thick throats. “Bro, sweet wood God shirt!” “Thanks, bro. Want to bro down on some nach-bros?” And then they kiss.

Overkill – 1up

overkillshirt

When I look at this Overkill shirt, the first thought that comes to mind is, “Huh.” It’s one of those designs that looks good in your mind, looks good on the computer, and then when it finally gets printed it doesn’t look quite right. It’s a little too computerized-looking for my tastes and reminds me of the old PC first-person shooters that you would play on Windows 98. I almost want to touch the symbol to see if I get a weapons upgrade.

The biggest problem with the design is that it is kind of hard to make out the band name. You really have to study the shirt to see Overkill. A quick glance just reads “ERK.” You guys like Erk? I saw ’em back in 1988 and they were incredible. I’m a huge Erk-head!” When your original fan base is approaching or already in middle-age, don’t make a shirt that requires them to put on their glasses to read it.

Destruction – Pewpewpew!

destructionbulletsstains

German Thrashers have forgone their Thrashnado design in favor of the hyper original bullets across the chest design. There really isn’t much to say about this shirt. If people like the band (or bullets for that matter) they’ll justify liking the shirt. Is it the worst? No way. We’ve covered far worse just in this column. Is it silly and a little embarrassing when you think about it? Yup.

I’m not sure why the bullets are white. Maybe to match the band logo? I’ve already put more thought into this than the artist or the band. I know this because the bullets stop right before the shoulders and around the waist. Would it be better if they went all the way around the back? I’m not sure. Maybe Destruction should have stuck with their Cheeto-dust skull design.

Anthrax – Caught In A Weeb

anthraxanimestains

NO BIG EYES. NO GIANT-TITTIED CARTOON CHARACTERS. NO ANIME.

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  • ME GORAK!!!™

    GORAK WOULD WEAR THESE CUZ BANDS ROCK!!!!!!! GORAK HAVE NO SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!

  • I was wondering when I’d be able to use this GIF again. Also, that Anthrax shirt can fuck off.

    http://i.imgur.com/SJrknuW.gif

    • That image is one of my favorite metal photographs. Now you paired it with Homero and I’m glad I witness this.

  • Howard Dean

    Destruction get a pass. I like to imagine that their original idea was to send a few belts of actual surplus ammo with each shirt purchase, but the international community frowned upon it.

    Topical:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TrFwFs11Jo

    • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

      In other thrash news, Sodom released a new song/video.

      https://youtu.be/nI6GXnBPDuQ

      Sounds a bit like Melechesh.

      • Eliza

        I like it.

      • Howard Dean

        Not too bad, actually. The album’s cover seems to be going for a “modern Cold War” approach with the dueling American and Russian flags.

        • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

          And the war helmet and crown of thorns. It’s a splatterfuck of ideas, but the music is kicking ass so far!

      • I’m digging.

    • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

      The Dean gets it.

      Is the shirt silly? Yes. But it matches the silly awesomeness of this.

  • Eliza

    That last one caught me by surprise, I have to admit. I like Anthrax and I like anime, just not together.

  • That Testament shirt is missing the Cheeto powder.

    • ME GORAK!!!™

      THERE LITTLE BIT AT BOTTOM!!!!!!!

      • It’s not enough Gorak, It’s not enough.

        • Megan Alexandra

          I’m dead

  • I’m pretty sure I saw that Overkill shirt at Spencer’s gift shop the other week.

    • Dubbbz

      Were you at the mall getting a pretzel with Joe?

  • Guppusmaximus

    Thrash Galaxy in the Alien Asylum…

  • Guppusmaximus

    I loved the all over ‘Spiritual Healing’ shirt. I guess I’m in the minority…

  • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

    I don’t normally agree with Anthrax, but that shirt……….

    • Eliza

      Personally, I don’t like the character design. It looks a little bit too hentai-esque for my tastes.

      • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

        Not enough tentacles and all that for hentai. More like Rival Schools if anything.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lOGyCE8-Nc

      • Looks like a recolor of Wotsername from Rosario Vampire, which makes the shirt even worse because that show is a dumpster fire.

        • Dubbbz

          You should feel bad for knowing that.

        • Eliza

          I watched the first three minutes of that show, after which I never turned back to it. After finding out some more stuff about it, I’m glad that I dropped it.

          • I got around 7 or 8 episodes in with the aid of alcohol and my brother’s mutual scorn. That’s around two and a half hours of my life not only wasted, but actively trampled.

          • Eliza

            I guess the only way to find enjoyment in such a show is to watch it drunk.

          • “enjoyment”

          • Eliza

            As in “resisting the urge to kill yourself while watching it”.

          • Oh, well when you put it like that

          • Waynecro

            That worked for me for years. Now that I’m sober, I have a DVD collection full of movies I don’t remember or completely dislike.

          • Eliza

            You can sell them for a quick buck.

          • Waynecro

            I’ve been meaning to do that. I was going to sell a bunch of the DVDs the last time I moved, but my ex accidentally packed them. I should just put them in the front yard with a big “FREE” sign.

          • Eliza

            I guarantee you’ll get rid of them if you give them away for free.

          • Waynecro

            It beats dragging a big-ass box of DVDs to a store to sell them. My time is worth more than I’d ever make selling the DVDs. If I put them on Craigslist, perhaps I could get someone to come to my house to buy them. Of course, that person would probably be a murderer.

          • Eliza

            Anyways, keep a couple of those DVDs for bad movie nights.

          • Waynecro

            Good thinking. I may as well turn lemons into unsweetened lemonade.

          • Eliza

            If one of those DVDs happens to be a copy of “The Room”, treasure it.

          • Waynecro

            I don’t think I have that one. But I do have a low-budget horror film in which David Carradine fights cartoons in an abandoned sorority house or something.

          • Eliza

            That sounds insane. So insane it must be fun to watch.

          • Waynecro

            Come to think of it, that does sound pretty cool. Hell, maybe I should watch it.

          • Eliza

            Please tell me about it if you do.

          • Waynecro

            I seriously can’t remember when or how I got this DVD. Maybe one of my old drinking buddies left it at my house at some point. It looks like a bad Troma movie.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7othu6spYY

          • Eliza

            This looks hilarious.

        • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

          Might have to check that one out. 70% of anime is a dumpster fire in the first place, but it’s the good ones that get me.

          • Rosario Vampire is most assuredly not one of the good ones.

          • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

            It’s on Youtube and DLing a couple seasons of it. I’ll check it later.

          • Waynecro

            Watch The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. That is all.

  • tigeraid

    WTF. Anthrax was always my least-liked of the Big 4. This just seals the deal.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Anthrax is the only one of the Big 4 I legit dig.
      That shirt is still an abomination.

      • Howard Dean

        Man, that’s rough. I think 80’s Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer were light years better than Anthrax. Like I will literally take any of the classic 4 Metallica albums, 4 Megadeth albums, and 4-5 Slayer albums over everything Anthrax has ever released (even Spreading the Disease and Among the Living). If I had to choose between the Haunting the Chapel EP and the entire Anthrax discography, I’d take HtC. Seriously. But to each his own (including bears).

        • I pick Megakek easilly. I think everyone can have a favorite because each band used a very specific vibe for their own careers.

          Slayer: one of the foundations for obscure extreme metal.
          Metallica: heavy metal sensations of arena rock.
          Anthrax: hardcore streets tough guys.
          Megadeth: progressive and melodic amalgam of metal.

          I mean, there’s a whole lot of people that deserves to be listed as ell in the thrash movement, but those four bands are the principal for different reasons, eh? 🙂

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Agreed. The first 4 releases by Slayer are a must. Haunting the Chapel and Hell Awaits are still frightening to this day!

          • The beginning to Hell Awaits still makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That whole album blows away all of the other big 3 combined. That album is evil!

          • Elegant Gazing Globe
          • A certain Lizard tagged me on this during the morning. I’ll get to this tonight hopefully.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            yeah meant to reply that to KSOFM cuz he not in the socialclub

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            sorrymeant to reply to KSOFM

          • Elegant Gazing Globe
          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yup, killer Aussie band!

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            totally worth the shipping from straya for that wax. it’s gonna be 1985 all over again in my house when that gets here

          • I’m sure Hells Headbangers will get it at some point. Might save you on shipping.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            I bought it from bandcamp this morning

          • Well, then. Committed you are.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          I know I’m alone in my thinking.
          But as far as I am concerned, Metallica only ever released 2 actually good albums, both of which I’ve worn out – Megadeath has 2 really good ones too, but I don’t find myself ever playing them anymore, last I did it seemed a chore.
          And Slayer… I never liked.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Karhu!!!

    • Brock Lesner’s Oily Wonderbra

      Makes more room for Vicious Rumors in the Big 4. 😉

      • Literally who the fuck is that

      • Eliza

        I’d rather have Exodus in the Big 4. Not that it matters in any way.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Vicious Rumours is good, but you’re the first, and possibly only, person I’ve seen not only call them a thrash band, but also suggest they have a place among the four most succesful american thrash metal bands.

    • OldMetalHead

      The fourth should really be Testament or Death Angel personally.

      • tigeraid

        I would also put Kreator or Annihilator in my list there.

  • Full disclosure: I once owned that all over print Megadeth shirt, please forgive me.

    • You’re forgiven.

      But…

      ¡Jajajajajajaja!

    • sweetooth0

      I have the sticker on my speaker. I actually think it’s a pretty cool painting. The background on the sticker is way cooler though. A pink/purple vortex sort of cloud.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    I saw Lars Petrov wearing a variation of that Destruction shirt. It had red in the logo, more detail in the bullets and “thrash til death” under the name.

  • “I almost want to touch the symbol to see if I get a weapons upgrade”. Omg, that was hilarious!

    I think this post, aside from making me laugh, will make me listen some old school thrash, to contrast a little of my morning death/doom listenings.

    Good job as usual, señor trescientos sesenta y cinco días de horror.

  • Megan Alexandra

    That anthrax shirt is garbage juice

  • Abradolf Lincler

    “There isn’t really any way to know this is even a band shirt. Throw in some armpit sweat stains and this could easily be sold in any tabletop gaming store.”

    yeah, id wear it

    • Abradolf Lincler

      Randall owns a body pillow version of that Anthrax shirt

  • Waynecro

    That testament shirt is what happens when you take a mural off a windowless van and slap it on a T-shirt. “Bro, sweet wood God shirt!” Genius, bro. Genius.