Shirt Stains: Thrash Pile

Making fun of bad shirts is my business and business is good.

Thrashy thrashy thrash thrash thrash. Squealies and solos. Yelling and screaming. Getting up and getting down. Get in the pit. Get out of the pit. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Okay, this is enough of an intro. Let’s get to the shirts.

Exodus – Now On MTV’s Remote Control

This shirt is the epitome of “doing the Toxic Waltz.” It makes the wearer look spastic and poisonous to people of the opposite sex. The shirt is for Exodus’s 1989 album “Fabulous Disaster” and pretty much encapsulates where thrash was as a genre at the time. Yelling about nuclear war, corrupt governments, and all sorts of spooky, scary things had slowly given way to a more skate-or-die party attitude. Blame Anthrax and their Bermuda shorts. I feel like a Gang Green video is about to break out every time this shirt comes into view.

The design on this shirt makes me want to run the Double Dare obstacle course with Peg Bundy as my partner. This shirt would go well with Zubaz pants and puff paint. You can practically taste the Crystal Pepsi and Gremlins cereal while looking at it. Of course they had to use the goofiest pictures of each band member. If you’re going to go goof, go all the way. I just hope someone doesn’t spend a lot of money on eBay for this shirt in an effort to impress people. It is not necessarily a bad shirt, it’s just silly. I suppose that was their intention. Mission accomplished. I guess.

Megadeth – Superior Dorkpower

I’ll give Dave Mustaine some credit: In an election season where someone smearing their face with cow shit wouldn’t disqualify them for the presidency, Mustaine has been relatively quite. It’s actually sort of impressive considering how much time he spends answering fans questions on Twitter. He legitimately spends hours directly answering people and has managed not to end up in the news for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he has been saying ridiculous things, but the overwhelming din of insanity is just too strong for the guy who once said President Obama was behind the Aurora movie theater shooting. Hopefully all of his crazy was absorbed by this laughably bad Megadeth shirt.

Superior Firepower isn’t a Megadeth album. It’s not a Megadeth song either. Maybe it’s in a song, but I’m not digging through to find out. Either way, it was so important that it needed to be both bigger and above Megadeth’s name. Is Superior Firepower a clothing company? Juding by the font, I’d surmise that Superior Firepower is an MMA/Energy Drink/Morning After Pill clothing company inspired by Affliction and regrettable decisions.

The soldiers look straight out of stock video game art, and the little crosshairs look like Mad Max-style Pac Mans about to fight over a solitary breast. There’s a bunch of random bullets at the bottom of the shirt because military and government and freedom constitution sandwiches. Don’t worry, though. We’ve got 44 minutes to get away from those spoopy storm troopers. Now that I think about it, maybe Exodus has the right idea with their super fun happy times shirt above.

Destruction – Crunchy or Puffed?


Unlike Destruction’s Thrashnado shirt of Deutsch-atude, this shirt isn’t based off of album artwork. I think. I hope. No, this Destruction shirt was made in honor of their 30th anniversary tour. A tour quite possibly sponsored by Frito-Lay. It looks like someone rubbed a bunch of Cheetos on their face and them mushed it up against the shirt. I didn’t realize Glenn Beck was a Destruction fan.

If the shirt wasn’t the same nuclear orange color as your fingers get when you dip into a bag of Cheese Puffs, would the shirt still be bad? Hard to tell, but I will go out on a limb and say yes. The skullface looks like the rotten corpse of one of the martians from the satan-awful “Mars Attacks!” movie from the mid 90’s. That noggin is huge! It’s like sticking your thumb in a watermelon. I know a lot of metalheads want shirts in colors other than black, but this white shirt looks really sparse. Maybe that’s what Chester Cheetah wanted. Someone ask him on Twitter.

Overkill – Have Some Fucking Manners

Damn it, Overkill. Your mother and I raised you better than this? You can’t just go around flipping people off? Especially when you have your sassy pinky ring on. Saying “We don’t care what you say” will just make people think of Type O Negative. We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed. You’re getting on in years and it’s time to settle down like a mature adult. You can’t just keep drinking beers and playing Ninja Gaiden in the basement. Update your resume and get a job.

What’s this on the back of your shirt? Oh my sweet child o’ mine! That’s just blatant. One “Fuck you” wasn’t enough, was it, mister? No, you had to just say it over and over again. Don’t treat your shirt like you treat your body. That’s right, we know what you’re doing on the computer. Looking for a job on are you? Why can’t you be more like those nice boys in Testament? They’re so good to their parents. Not embarrassing at all. They have jobs and families of their own. I’m going to give little Chucky Billy’s mother a call and see how he’s doing.

THRASH METAL – All The Thrash, None Of The Mess


Ready to go to the thrash metal show and have nothing to wear? You leather vest just a little too tight? Don’t have time to sew and iron on patches to your denim jacket? Worried that you might wear the wrong Armageddon or Mortuary shirt? Well look no further because now for just 18.95 Good Boy Points, you can buy the official “THRASH Metal Longsleeve T-Shirt WRAP Collection Goth, Rock, Horror, Biker” shirt. It’s not just a long-sleeve shirt. It’s not just a t shirt. It’s not just a denim jacket. It’s all three and they’re all abominations!

You’re looking at a long-sleeve shirt with a design scheme to make it look like there’s a short sleeve shirt on top of it. Then there’s another design on top of that to make it look like you’re wearing a denim jacket. To make matters worse, it has just some of the most generic and cliché designs on it. The fake skull and skeleton patches. The swirly bro tattoo lines. The bloody vampire skull. There’s even a necklace printed on the shirt.

This shirt is so sad I actually want to cry. This shirt is the captain on Team Try Hard. This shirt farts into jars and then keeps the jars under its bed for future consumption. This shirt had an affair with Ted Cruz. This shirt staples shut the dickholes on its boxers. This shirt named its right hand “Velveeta.” This shirt owns all the Michael Bay Transformers movies. This shirt wishes the designers put a fedora on it.

Written by:

Published on: May 6, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 1095

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  • CyberneticOrganism


  • the Megadeth song “44 minutes” is about some famous bank robbery. i guess the “Superior Firepower” line means, with enough firepower one can successfully rob a bank?

    • Dubs

      I prefer the sealing myself inside the bank method.

    • EsusMoose

      Mustaine gonna Mustaine

    • “If you put two 4’s next to each other, they look like the World Trade Center. Who is the 44th president? Barack Obama. Therefore, NObama did 9/11.” – Dave Mustaine

    • Megadeth confirmed for malandro music!

    • Old Man Doom

      I think it’s in reference to the North Hollywood Shootout.

  • BOY, these shirts sure are bad! I could use an aesthetically-pleasing shirt to cleanse my palate! HEY, what’s this? It looks like a high-quality 100% cotton shirt created by a local artist! It’s affordable AND only available for another nine days! I’d better pick one up now!

  • Rob M

    OMG…thrash metal t-shirt has built in tribal tattoos on the sleeves. Where has this been all my life?

    • Dubs

      Waiting for you with arms wide open.

      • Rob M

        Grabbing my Hot Topic gift card as we speak

    • Designed by Kerry King himself.

      • Rob M
        • Kerry King laughing is like watching Ted Cruz laughing.

        • Be careful Mr. King, you may pop your gut.

          • Rob M

            How many times do you think he stabbed himself in the face before he figured it out?

          • He never learned because he has to keep pouring that sweet sweet Jägermeister down his fat face.

          • Rob M


      • Owlswald

        If that were the case, it would come with a tribal hood as well.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      In Max Cavalera’s attic?

  • Nothing screams “30th anniversary” more than that Destruction shirt.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Am I a terrible person for considering buying the Exhumed rerecording? Having Exhumed on vinyl is better than not having Exhumed on vinyl.

    • Rob M

      Well, I mean it does actually scream 30th anniversary right there on the front

      • It looks like a goddamn Roller Coaster t-shirt you’d buy at 6 Flags for fucks sake.

        • Rob M

          Ride the all new Destruction…only at Kings Dominion

        • Is like those shirts from México:

          “One person that loves me so much brought me this shirt from Cancún, México”.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          It’ll go perfectly with my neon orange juice box out in public.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Skate Or Die attitude, you say?

    • Rob M
      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Never played that one, sadly. I didn’t play Atari for long at all, especially when NES came rolling into town.

        • Rob M

          That one was actually an old arcade game from the forgone days of Aladdin’s Castle and such

          • Those NES Simpsons games were total ass. Arcade game was great tho.

          • Rob M

            Man, I used to love playing those four-man beat em ups in the arcade

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            GAH, no they weren’t! Bart Vs. The Aliens and Bart Vs. The World had the worst controls and graphics of almost any old school NES game. And Bart looked like a mongoloid with an unmovable neck in both of them.

          • Arcade game was cool, mate. They used the same engine from TMNT Turtles in Time!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Turtles In Time was the first game I ever played on Super NES. LMAO, I actually remember when they made a TMNT fighting game on NES. It was mucho caca.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            That one was a little better, but not by much.

          • The beat’em up game were way better. The gameplay was faster than Final Fight.

          • Dubs

            I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he meant by “ass.”

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Redid my reply with an edit at the end. Kept my goof in there though. :-p
            I misread it as ‘kickass’. Whoopsies!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Lol, I know. Just something random skateboard/videogame related.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Skate or Die 2’s theme should just have been Misanthropic NecroBlasphemy

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Or a MIDI version of D.R.I’s ‘Thrash Zone’.

      • I listened to the Skate or Die 2 theme on repeat as a tiny lil dude. This is rawkin af

        • Dave Vincent’s Perm

          Call me what you will but QOTSA’s Millionaire from tony hawk underground changed my life

  • Owlswald

    That Megadeth shirt looks like a jersey a bro’d out softball team would wear. Replace Megadeth with “Rob’s Trucking” and you got a winner.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    This reminds me of my Metallica shirt which got cleaved asunder when I got pushed off a slide.

  • I legit owned a different version of that Overkill shirt when I waa in high school. Please forgive me.

    • Eliza is laughing hard at you, but she doesn’t really know why.

      • Eliza

        There is nothing inherently funny about it, but I find it hilariously bad

        • I think is the constant Fucks behind it 😀

          • Rob M

            Thats what did it for me

          • ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

          • Eliza

            The exclamation points help too.

    • Eliza

      If I wore something like that at school, I pretty sure I would have been expelled.

      • I think it only made it through a couple laundry cycles before my mom threw it in the trash where it belonged.

    • sweetooth0

      I see nothing wrong with the Overkill shirt

      • For me, I was a skinny twig and the shirt was XL so it looked like I was wearing a trash bag with a middle finger on it.

        • sweetooth0

          upturned bill ball cap, oversized untied hi top nikes, sounds perfect to me

  • Count_Breznak

    Thrashmetal my ass, there isn’t even one single ammo belt.

  • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

    A recruit to my crew tried to impress me by wearing that Megadeth shirt. I believe his body is still floating in the Hudson. You know how long it takes for the police to fish things out of the water? Weeks.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Superior Firepower sounds like a Call Of Duty online name some guy came up with after his other accounts (StudManKillBoner69, PussyDestroyer420Juggalo, IvanMoodyFFDP, and BrockLesner’sCabanaBoy) got banned.

  • That Megakek shirt have crossfire marks in the man boobs. Also, that final shirt is an abomination… Is like one of those gifts your foreigner aunt brings to you trying to aim your style.

    “He always listen to that screamy music, maybe this skull with blood will something he likes, that good-for-nothing boy, hope he cuts his hair soon, he looks like a woman”.

    • Rob M

      Nailed it

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      I can confirm that last bit.

      • “Cut your beard too, you look like a hobo”.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          “That’s nice, aunt Louise. Now go and enjoy your cigarettes and your tenth Bloody Mary of the morning”

  • Eliza

    The Overkill shirt had me laughing hard, but I don’t really know why.

    • Rob M
      • Eliza

        Where is this from?

        • Rob M

          Todd and the Book of Pure Evil

          …its kind of like a cross between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jay and Silent Bob with the effects budget of a typical Power Rangers episode

          …its funny as hell though

          • Eliza

            If I find a place to watch it, I’ll do so. Seems like a good time.

          • Rob M

            They had both seasons up on Netflix, but its been awhile since I watched it.

            Definitely recommended though

          • I’m interested. The references are awesome.

  • megachiles

    Holy shit, that last one is a hesher quantum superposition.

    • okay, as somebody who digs quantum physics, i do not get the reference. can you give me a hint?

      • megachiles

        I’m not a physicist (so tell me I’m wrong and dumb if I’m being wrong and dumb), but my understanding of superposition is that any given quantum state can be added together to make a new state.

        So in the case of “THRASH Metal Longsleeve T-Shirt WRAP Collection Goth, Rock, Horror, Biker”, we have the superposition of the shitty hesher quantum states: tribal longsleeve + spoopy gothic horror tough guy shirt+ vest with no patches.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Hesher the movie?

      • tertius_decimus

        Rad movie. The one, where Natalie Portman plays humble person, unlike her other acts.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Yep yep! At first I was thinking the guy was cool as hell, then realized he was a major league asshole.

  • whoa, England has been using Good Boy Points all this time!! way ahead of the curve @Lordofallfeversandplague:disqus

  • megachiles

    I bought a metallica shirt at Ozzfest ’08 when I was a wee-lad.

    For the past 8 years my general impression of it has been “oh shit waddup pushead skull!”, and “I can wear you around our catholic family.”

    A few weeks ago, I put it on and my wife asks if I’d ever noticed that the screen printed skull on the front is supposed to look like it’s bleached into the fabric.

    I realized she was right, and that marriage steals all the joy in your life 🙁

    • Marriage doom>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • megachiles

        Marriage doom is basically black sabbath and candlemass riffs played over the lamentations of someone experiencing marital ennui.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I need a picture of said shirt

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Destruction, because nothing says 30 years of pure thrash metal quite like a shirt that looks a mutilated candy corn.

  • sweetooth0

    The overkill shirt is for the EP !!!FUCK YOU!!!, design wise, there’s nothing really wrong with it as far as a representation of the EP. I actually really like the backpatches for this that have the middle finger and fuck you underneath

  • Waynecro

    Hilarious stuff as always, dude. Thanks! In other news, I wouldn’t be completely averse to running the Double Dare obstacle course with Peg Bundy.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      She’s still pretty hot nowadays. I wouldn’t mind doing an obstacle course with her on the top bunk!

      • Waynecro

        She is a mighty classy lady.

  • since i dont listen to much thrash at all, i dont have any horror stories related to the genres’ bands. and that is something to be thankful for

  • Óðinn
  • Ogie Ogilthorpe

    It’s great that Megadeth made sure their logo was smaller than the words above it and the time at the bottom, almost as if they wanted nothing at all to do with that monstrosity of a shirt. The Destruction one is just awful too, nothing says 30 years like a marmalade jar explosion!