Shirt Stains: The Ides Of Merch
Et tu, Merche?
Walking around naked is still not in fashion, especially here in the United States. Blame it on uptight religious types and the fact that most of us are now shaped like pineapples and pears. Public transportation has also confirmed to me that some people are shaped like cantaloupes. Until the time comes when society is more accepting or we’re all no longer shaped like a fruit salad, you’d better cover up your hoo-hoos and ha-has. Once your bits and pieces are covered, you can accessorize. You might want to skip this band merch, though.
Believe it or not, there is something pictured here. It’s not just a floating knife and the letters “LHHC.” I know it might be hard to see since it’s camouflaged but there is in fact a hat here. Is that what camo looks like now? I know the military has made some changes, but yeesh. Whether it is a more accurate version of camo or not compared to your average pair of camo pants or shorts, it doesn’t matter. The way the hat is put together it looks like someone hot-glued a bunch of pieces together from different puzzles. It’s a mish-mash of mush.
You might also be shocked to learn that this is a hat for the hardcore band Lionheart. LHHC = Lionheart Hardcore. It’s probably for the best that they didn’t write the whole thing out. Sure, you want to advertise your band, but you don’t want people sounding all marble-mouthed when trying to read it. Having the giant white patch in the middle of the camouflage kind of defeats the purpose of camouflage, but you can tell them that. I don’t want to get punched in the back of the head.
No, I didn’t forget to put a NSFW warning on this post. This is not some sort of gross, weird sexual thing you might find in one of those bad, straight-to-Netflix horror movies that seems to make up a majority of that site’s horror section. It’s the Devildriver logo on a face scarf that looks more wrinkled than a bunch of scenester chest-piece tattoos in 20 years. I’m not exactly sure why anyone would want one of these. Maybe for throwing down in the pit? Maybe it’s toasty warm for those long cold nights sitting outside the venue waiting for your parents to pick you up?
Worried that people won’t know what the Devildriver symbol looks like? No worries! This face scarf dealie has got you covered (ayyyyy). It includes the band’s name on the side, which would be totally helpful if it wasn’t crushed like the American dream. That’s just poor design. Do they not know what faces and heads look like? Do they expect some Easter Island heads to rock these? No one would buy something like this…
Speaking of scarves, here’s one for the tech death band Abiotic. If this looks a little different than your average scarf, that’s because it is a very specific type of scarf known as a shemagh or keffiyah. It is sometimes worn around the neck or as a head covering predominantly among Arab people. A keffiyah was famously worn by former Fatah leader and Arab nationalist Yasser Arafat. For some it is a symbol of Palestinian solidarity. For others, it is a symbol of anti-Israel sentiments. It has also become a fashion statement thanks to places like Urban Outfitters and young white suburbanites that say words like “woke” when describing themselves on Tumblr.
I don’t recall Abiotic being political, but then again I don’t know much about them and I kind of lump them in with other tech metal bands that start with the letter ‘A’. They put out 2 albums before splitting. Having merchandise like this can be seen as a pretty big and divisive political statement. I’m curious to see how this came about. Did a rep show them a catalog of merchandise they can have made and say “Hey, this looks cool!” or was this a conscious decision to wade in to the minefield of Middle East politics? Someone ask them and let us know. [Ed. – Perhaps the latter, as they posted a lot of edgy, near-Islamophobic stuff on social media before splitting].
On the fashion side of things, you can cross your eyes when looking at it and see if you see a sail boat, Magic Eye-style. Pocahontas couldn’t use this to paint with all the colors of the wind. It looks itchy. Careful where you hang this otherwise someone might wipe their face with it after eating SpaghettiOs.
Here are some shorts for Slam Worldwide, a promoter of all things that slam and gurgle. On the surface, it might seem a little odd for an online promoter of a subgenre to put out merch, but Slam Worldwide has over 40,000 likes on Facebook and almost 70,000 subscribes on Youtube. Those are impressive numbers and totally worth trying to cash in on in terms of merchandise. Mosh shorts totally make sense for all the Joes of the world that need maximum room for getting ignorant in the pit. You need full range of motion to do things like this.
All that being said, that’s a gigantic fucking logo on the right leg. Kids just love their drippy hammers. They’re all like “‘Sup, bruh. We gunna get drippy hammers, fam?” If anything, the logo should be on the butt for tons of classy hammering butt jokes. If that logo wasn’t enough for you, we’ve got another on the other leg. Two logos for the price of one! We’ve got double slam crew mentions along with a Jason hockey mask. Mwah! Bellisimo! When you wear these shorts, you must gargle lemon juice and Hershey’s kisses before addressing anyone. Let the gurgle flow through you.
I’ve finally found the ultimate addition to the Toilet Ov Hell VIP lounge: a Prodigy toilet seat cover. I have no idea if this is a bootleg or a real item once sold by the band and, frankly, I don’t want to know. To me, you are perfect. This will go well with our solid gold faucets, diamond-encrusted plunger, and stuffed Leif Bearikson. We’re living the high life now, boys and girls!