Shirt Stains: The Great Southern Facepalm

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If you’ve read or seen the news within the past month or have not been sitting in a cave with your fingers in your ears while singing loudly, you probably know about the push to remove the Confederate flag from many places including government offices and on products. When you lose Wal-Mart, you lose the public, so to speak. There have been calls for the flag’s removal before, but now that businesses have voiced their opinions, politicians have listened. Democracy at work!

This current push to remove the Confederate flag from many places was brought about by the racist and most-definitely-terrorism murder of 9 black people in a church by a hate-filled white goober with a bowl-cut. Said goober proudly displayed the Confederate flag and much of the public, to the delight of the NRA and other pro-gun advocates, have put their efforts into getting rid of it. Many see the flag as a symbol of racism and the Southern states’ ill-fated attempt to leave the United States in order to preserve said racism.

Others see it as a part of their Southern heritage and proudly display it whenever possible. If you’re feeling a little salty or just want to meet peoples’ love of history with a little history of your own, may I suggest a Sherman’s Southern Tour t-shirt. Wouldn’t a can of skoal and and a Git-R-Done beer coozie represent Southern heritage just as well? I kid, of course. Not all Northerners are pushy and rude. Not all West Coasters are soulless airheads. Not all Mid-Westerners are bland mayonnaise-eaters. Not all Southerners are dumb, rednecks that keep Jeff Foxworthy in business. Some may believe that there is still a debate to be had about the flag (there’s not, get that shit out of here), but there’s one thing that’s not up for debate: how terrible these shirts are.

 

Pantera – Southern Revolution Is My Name
PanteraConfederate

Are you hiking the Appalachian trail and you want to “getcha’ pull”? Well, then you’re in luck because Pantera want you to show your Southern Pride while having a place to store your trail mix and bear mace. If we’re being honest, this backpack will probably just be used by high-school dropouts to carry an extra pair of pants when their done jizz-mopping the stroke booths at the Jiggle Shack. Either that or holding their various stashes of pot, pills, uppers, downers, lefties, righties and other slang terms that may or may not actually mean anything.

Why does Pantera have a backpack? No idea, but of course it has the Confederate flag on it. After all, Dimebag Darrell played a guitar with the flag emblazoned on it. Former Pantera vocalist Phil Anselmo recently said-mumbled:

“Right now in my life as a grown up man and a soon to be 47 year old in 5 days… that any type of propagating hate toward any race or any group of people is not my bag at all. You know I didn’t invent the fucking flag. I was born in 1968. So I do see a lot of sides to this. I see where people can say, you know, when does it end? You know when is it good enough? When are we as a people ever going to be politically correct? The answer to that is really never. Because the world is made up of people with a lot of different ideas… telling us how to live and what we should do or shouldn’t do, you know? Or think or not think, you know.. that’s pretty extreme… it’s like you’re never going to make everybody happy.”

Oooookay. He still likes the flag. I think. Of course, all of that doesn’t explain why there are skulls on the flag. Is it a historical take on the South’s failed rebellion? Is it a warning to future generations to keep the Union together? Is it a subtle commentary that the ghosts of the past will haunt those who do not learn from the past? Nah. It’s Pantera. They just like skulls.

 

Avenged Sevenfold – M. Shadows Shall Rise Again
avenged-sevenfold-confederate

Welcome to Bat Country. Population: Yeeeeee-haw! For those that don’t know, Avenged Sevenfold are from Orange County, California. A quick look at a map would tell you that Orange County, California is not in the South and not part of the Confederacy during the Civil War. Orange County may as well be on another planet if this show is any indication of what goes on there. The area is pretty conservative and overwhelmingly white, so maybe that’s the connection. Why else would Avenged Sevenfold make a flag with both the U.S. and Confederate flag on it?

Oh, that’s right. To get chucklefucks in rusty pickups decked out with truck nutz to buy it. You might as well make some money off the ignorant while you can. The flag is actively laughing at us. “You spent your money on this shit? AHAHAHAHAHA M SHADOWS!” I’ll bet this flag comes pre-soaked in Natty Ice.

Impressively, the Confederate flag is one of the least offensive things on this flag. This skull/sheriff/crime against nature looks so incredibly goofy that it should be given a primetime show on Comedy Central. The left hand is cartoonishly big and the right hand is tiny and makes this character look like it has muscular distrophy or it’s fanning itself. “Oh my! I do declare Mr. M Shadows. I believe your music has given me a case of the vapors!”

If you love Pantera’s usage of skulls then you’re going to take this Avenged Sevenfold flag out to the bushes for 2 ½ minutes. We’ve got a laughing sherriff skull thing and the stars on the U.S. and Confederate flags have all (poorly) been replaced by the A7X skull. Hell, even the star on his shirt has a skull on it. The band really missed out on naming themselves Avenged Skullenfold.

 

Hellyeah – Shitno
hellyeahconfederate

Hellyeah is one of metal’s favorite punching bags, which is surprising considering that there was a good amount of interest when rumblings of the “supergroup’s” formation began in the early 2000’s. This was when people cared about Mudvayne and Nothingface was still around. The band, originally named Cold White Christ, consisted of Chad Gray from Mudvayne and Tommy Sickles, Tom Maxwell, and Jerry Montano from Nothingface. So basically, Nothingface with a guy named Kud. What could have been an interesting side-project ended when Chad and Jerry saw Vinnie Paul of Pantera’s terrifying goatee. So scared were the two that they immediately relented to Paul’s wishes and decided to cast off the Cold White Christ idea for a dogshit Southern dick-metal band that just will not die.

Vinnie Paul’s voodoo-like control over the other band members have led us to this goofball shirt. Man, those guys from Pantera really, really, really, really love the Confederate flag. So much so that I’m surprised Hellyeah wasn’t renamed DixieYeah or TheWarOfNorthernAggressionYeah. So great is Vinnie Paul’s influence that his band, featuring members from the non-Confederate states of Illinois and Maryland, said “Sure, Vinnie. Let’s have a tattered Confederate flag on our shirt! Of course it can have flames on it! Want a giant skeleton bird on it? You’ve got it, VP! By the way, your goatee is looking extra handsome today. Can we play “Alcohaulin Ass” for an hour at the next show?”

Side note: I always wondered what kind of person listens to a song like that. I briefly lived in Iowa for work and part of my job had me going out to some pretty small towns. In one of these towns, where the entire county has 1 stoplight, I passed by a bar. Someone opened the door and this song came blasting out at me like a tobacco-soaked loogie to the ears. At that moment, I realized exactly who listens to this type of music.

 

Texas Hippie Coalition – Happy 1998!
texashippieconfederate

Some people think Texas Hippie Coalition is a dollar store ripoff of Pantera (Jesus, again with the Pantera? I swear I’m not trying to make this all about them). I disagree. I think Texas Hippie Coalition are a dollar menu ripoff of Pantera. You just know this stuff is blasting out of frat houses all across Texas while bros are mixing up their jungle juice in the communal bath tub.

This shirt is everything bad about the 90’s compounded by the fact that it’s 20-fucking-15. The sexually suggestive cartoon girl with the pigtails? The Texas-shaped guitar covering her cartoon va-jay-jay? The terrible motorcycle. The barbed-wire with the stars? We’re a tribal tattoo and and a pair of Kikwear pants away from the Tattoo The Earth Tour.

Look, I know there isn’t really a confederate flag in there, but fuck it, we’re already here and this shirt does suck. Yes, the stars plus red, white, and blue can represent lots of things (U.S. flag, Texas state flag, Confederate flag, etc.). You’re absolutely right. It would be wrong to accuse Texas Hippie Coalition of using the Confederate flag. There is no proof that they support or even like the Confederate flag. I apolog… wait, nevermind.

 

Pantera – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
panteraweedconfederate

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Alright….I’m okay….just….let me….catch….my breath….

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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  • M Shadows!

    I can confirm that we really were trying to get the chucklefucks on board! NEXT ALBUM WE WILL TRY TO ACQUIRE THE FFDP FANBASE AND THEN SHINEDOWN, AFTER WHICH OUR TAKEOVER OF THE SHITTY RADIO ROCK SCENE WILL BE COMPLETE. THEN WE WILL RELEASE A GRINDCORE ALBUM TO FUCK WITH EVERY ONE OF THEM!

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      I hope you succeed. Shinedown angers me greatly.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    So many shitty shirts here.

    • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

      So many shitty bands.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        Agreed. I dislike every band on this list, even Pantera.

        • dont let joe see you saying that.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Why? Does he like Pantera? I specifically hate Hellyeah and Texas Hippie Coalition though.

          • DOYOURLYBEARD, THO?

            Hating Pantera is like hating your grandmother

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            No it isn’t. I’m not a fan of theirs and I love my grandma so that doesn’t work!

          • Hey everyone look! A grandma hater!

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I love my grandma! Y U Do Dis?

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            I lost mine earlier this year. Still sad about that. 🙁

          • Le Tapir The Based

            I lost my other grandma a few years back just before christmas.

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            I talked about it earlier this year. Mine pretty much starved herself to death, and had a living will (aka, no IVs, no resucitaion in the hospital). I’ll probably never know, but between her hallucinating and the doctors saying there was brain shrinkage, I think she already knew dementia was setting in.

          • CT-12

            Same here man, actually, just this past Sunday. It’s a weird feeling.

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            My condolences and best wishes to you, her friends and your family.

          • CT-12

            Thanks a lot homie

          • No SKYNYRD for ya, huh?

          • Herr Schmitty

            *FUCK* Skynyrd. Worst gag in Jacksonville: At every show in the city, no matter what genre of music, some redneck asshole is guaranteed to shout out ‘PLAY FREEBIRD!’ Rap show? Metal show? Rock show? Doesn’t matter. It always happens.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxEDiZphQ-Q

          • That is far from a Jacksonville-only occurrence, unfortunately.

          • Herr Schmitty

            I support a vigilante-enforced death penalty for such transgressions.

          • KJM
          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Skynyrd uses the Confederate flag. I also don’t enjoy a lot of their current output.

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Today I found out that I hate my grandmother.
            #TheMoreYouKnow

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            Swedes are incapable of hatred!

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Good thing that I’m a Finn then!

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            I thought you were Mexican.

          • Void Dweller

            Grandma’s are the worst. Old bags.

          • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

            I know a grandma that helped sew on a Shitfucker patch to someones (Mine ok, damn-it!) vest. She’s metal as fuck.

          • KJM

            Beard plz!!!

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            Pantera is responsible for Five Finger Death Punch.

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom
          • Void Dweller
          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom
          • Void Dweller

            Such a good album.

          • Howard Dean

            Yessir. More true Texas: Absu! Averse Sefira! Morbid Scream! Wo Fat!

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom
        • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom
      • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

        Including Pantera.

        • Le Tapir The Based

          Especially Pantera.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Also, I like Kikwear. It’s much cheaper than JNCOS and it’s cooler.

    • Cooler than JNCOs? Get outta here.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        JNCOs are expensive though.

    • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

      *as a dark cloud appears, and Joe steps out of the fiery sulphuric fog with his JNCOs on, as he gives you an icy stare*

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I’m not paying 115 dollars for a pair of pants.

        • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

          You wear pants? This is a no clothing zone here on The Toilet!

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            KJU plz! I wear clothing when I’m on the computer!

          • Le Tapir The Based

            That’s a lie and you know it!

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            No it isn’t.

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom
  • ME GORAK™

    GORAK INDEED HAVE BEEN SITTING IN CAVE WITH FINGERS IN EARS SINGING LOUDLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Dagon

    Unsurprisingly the other Pantera shirt also has a confederate flag in it haha.

  • Dagon

    I must also add that one of the worst things I have ever listened to was a Hellyeah album.

  • Void Dweller

    Pantera takes the cake for all that shit. Wal-Mart level designs.

    • The W.

      I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the pot-lady flag multiple times down here.

      • Void Dweller

        Not surprised. Such a bland design.

    • Disgustache

      I feel like Pantera has become a Wal-Mart level band at this point. Like the kind that you see with a “new Wal-Mart exclusive” album while you’re looking to get an SD card for your GoPro so you can get that PoV porno footage on your fat ass old lady.

      • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

        Every BRO here at State College/Happy Valley:

        PSU Bro: “Hey you like metal right?”
        ME: “Um, yeah”
        PSU Bro: “Do you like Pantera *Plays WALK on juke box*?”
        Me: “Fuck off and die.”

    • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

      Goes perfectly with the Wal-Mart brand Stone Cold 3:16, John Cena ‘thuganomics’ and Undertaker shirts, and the oversized sweatpants and cheap work boots.

  • Disgustache

    A+ for the Trucknutz. You should have put them up in chrome or flesh colored, though. Still, you have balls. I like balls.

    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/XsoSVdJikDw/maxresdefault.jpg

    • The W.

      There was a period of time where my buddies and I kept hanging truck nutz on our other friends’ cars. It caused some embarrassment for one guy in front of his family.

      • Disgustache

        I drive a baby blue 1982 Volkswagen Rabbit TDI pickup. I’m going to put huge fucking Trucknutz on it.

        • The W.

          Get the chrome ones.

          • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

            RIP Coal Roll. The Future: Trucknutz!

      • Disgustache

        Also, that’s fucking awesome.

  • Disgustache

    Channeling my inner Tyree here, and going non sequitur to the post.

    I cannot get enough Dopethrone lately.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G2Qt7kP6U

    • KJM

      Yes, once you have some of that sweet zombi powder, you will never get enough. You’ll start buying CDs, and once that isn’t enough, you’ll score a shirt or two. It’ll never end.

      • Disgustache

        It’s already snowballing so hard right now. Have had the one album I bought like 5 days ago on repeat. Payday please come sooner!

  • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

    I’m just waiting for Five Finger Death Punch to cover this one.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps7xmW-9LXQ

  • Hey dudes, you all have a great weekend!

    GL

    • Disgustache

      You too!

    • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

      You as well!

  • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom
    • KJM

      He’s gonna be pissed.

      • Throbbing Fart Thong Of Doom

        ……..

  • Stockhausen

    Meh.

  • Call the Slambulance

    I own this shirt (naturally with the sleeves cut off) and cannot tell if it is prideful or hateful. I mean, the dudes are from California and sing about suicide and occultism. Who knows? Who cares? It looks totes brutal.

  • Call the Slambulance

    you know whats funny about the packback?? PANTERa fans don t go to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Óðinn

      Good point.

  • Óðinn

    Why do so many people love the confederate flag? It’s kind of a negative symbol.

  • xengineofdeathx

    When I was in high school I got suspended for wearing that same Pantera shirt with the flag and naked chick and pot leaves. But I was 14 and it was 2000. I thought it was pretty bad ass haha.

  • Jamie Clemons

    Some black people support the rebel flag as a symbol of southern pride. But I guess your going to call all those people racist too but that would be kind of silly.