Shirt Stains: The Abominable Putridity Of A $35 Shirt

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Brother, can you spare 350 dimes?

What’s the most you’ve ever paid for a band t-shirt? I’m not talking about a tour shirt, or an import, or something vintage. Just a plain old, run-of-the-mill band shirt. $20? $25 plus shipping? Maybe I’m just a cheap, cranky bastard, but when standard merchandise prices start to creep into the price of admission for live shows territory, I think you have to draw the line.

abominableputridity35dollars

Got a few extra bucks burning a hole through your camo cargo shorts? Then the fine folks at Glory Extreme have the shirt for you. For the low, low price of $35 (plus shipping and handling, naturally) you can wear your very own. The shirt is based off the artwork for the Abominable Putridity’s 2012 album The Anomalies Of Artificial Origin. It’s a good album cover. Nice detail, good color, the violence conveys the hurgling gurgling violence of the music. It’s all a rich tapestry. Throw the cover on a black t-shirt and we have no problem.

Of course, that’s not what they did here. Someone saw the cover art, their eyes narrowed, that white stuff formed at the corner of their lips, and their asshole puckered like it had just french-kissed a lemon. “I want every inch of this shirt covered in that picture!” they said with a hint of madness in their eyes and the scent of 7-11 sushi on their breath. “There isn’t enough art to fill the front and the back!” would shout some saner individual. “Then we will use the same art twice and just stretch it out a bit for no reason!” that lunatic would declare. End scene. Curtain falls. The crowds get up and leave, back to the drudgery of real life, contemplating what even is.

$35 for a shirt that will shrink and fade after a few washes? No need to use that money to buy a whole bunch of groceries or gas up your car. The shirt will provide! Wear it in public and people will think you’re an escaped mental patient and throw change at you to keep you at bay. Various religious figures would take you in, bathing and feeding you in hopes that their good deed will be enough to guarantee eternal salvation.

gloryextremeapshirt

With this shirt, you too can look like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory after she turns into a giant blueberry. This shirt makes me want to have a snow cone so badly. This shirt is what happens when the Kool-Aid guy discovers auto-erotic asphyxiation. This shirt is the wearable equivalent of Boo Berry suffering from blue balls. It’s gross, and expensive, and I don’t like it.

Don’t you worry, though. Glory Extreme has a few other all-over prints that also go for $35. Buy them now while supplies last!

  • W.

    Hey, say what you will about the shirt, but leave gas station sushi out of this.

  • KyleJMcBride
    • Abradolf Lincler

      KJ ? ? ?

      • KyleJMcBride

        That’s my previous companion, been gone close to 4 years.

    • Eliza

      *The only shirt worth paying that much for

    • more beer

      I don’t think I ever paid more than 25 bucks for a shirt. But I never order shirts on line. I always get them at shows.

      • KyleJMcBride

        I got this at the 2012 tour.

  • tigeraid

    Because I’m Canadian, I frequently pay 85 fucking dollars and fifty one cents for a band shirt. Because global capitalism.

    • Fuck all that

    • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

      I live in Canada too and unless you’re buying a shirt from some Eastern European basement distro for 60 euros and then paying for express shipment, I am calling bullshit on this.

    • Hoodies were $90 and t-shirts at least $45 or $50 when me and a few friends flew to Halifax to see Sabbath a few years ago. The (I assume) pay-to-play opening band Wolfreign’s merch was the same price, which I thought was hilarious.

      And yeah, ordering shit from the US fucking sucks with the exchange rate and duty fees and shit.

  • tigeraid

    And I still have a Khemmis – Hunted shirt in “Small” that the fuckers won’t refund me for, if anyone wants it. For their kid or some shit.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Hm, I could probably squeeze into a small, but I’ll be showing some sexy midriff for sure.

    • Dumpster Lung

      Oh did they send the wrong size or something? That blows. I was going to say I actually wear a small, but I ordered one on purpose already.

    • Abradolf Lincler

      dude, im tellin you, cut it up and turn it into a back patch. ir send it to me for free and ill do it. the artwork is p cool

      • Dumpster Lung

        Or alternatively, you could probably sell it to break even/profit if you were wanting to do that route, since that shirt’s a limited run or something according to the website. But yeah, hopefully there are more of us, you know, trve metal advlts trapped in scene-kid bodies lol.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          i dont think i could even get an arm in a small sleeve

      • tigeraid

        Yeah, I know, I prolly will. OR just put it in a frame and hang it I guess. I’ve never made a vest, y’know? Despite being a metal guy my whole life, just never been a vest guy. Maybe I need to make one.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          recent convert, myself. now working on my second vest!

    • Eliza

      It’s really that small?

      • tigeraid

        It might fit on my thigh, mebbe?

        • Eliza

          XD Why would they even make a shirt that small?

    • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

      I bought that shirt with the album also. It’s my size (medium) but it’s oddly long… Like looks like a dress long. So it looks super weird if I wear it. So I’m in the same boat I guess.

  • Joaquin Stick

    I mean, the demon is scary and all, but I am more afraid of his sidekick, The Levitating Chair.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    dude. .. since when or in what baltic state do you live that $35 buys “a whole bunch of groceries”?

    • Dumpster Lung

      “in what baltic state” hahaha

    • Don’t buy gold-flaked bread or milk with diamonds floating in it.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Or a single apple at Whole Foods

      • Abradolf Lincler

        $35 is the cover charge for most food discos, i think.

        that shit dont even buy you one flavored sugar water or a Gov Co. cheese block

        • more beer

          No kidding I just spent over 20 bucks on 4 items.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            its hard to ge out of the grocery store without spending a hundred bucks man. and i go once a week

          • more beer

            I know and I am shopping just for me. I only needed a couple of things just now so it wasn’t really shopping.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            i only shop for two and the animals, and it about breaks me every week. . .

            then again i have to actually work for my money and not let taxes pay for my food

          • more beer

            As do I. It pisses me off when I see people filling 2 shopping carts with absolutely crappy food and paying for it with their EBT card. I saw this lady who had hundreds of dollars worth of junk food pay like that. I got diabetes watching her checkout. There is no reason anyone who pays taxes should have to pay for that. Plus the medical expenses that comes along with that.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            meanwhile the pound and a half of chicken breasts i need to stay swole frequently gets up to 8 fucking dollars

          • more beer

            I am far from cheap when I buy myself food. But that is because I work my ass off in order to eat well. The only reason I am not working my ass off right now is because it is snowing. I can’t do my job in the snow.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            same, we been over that. im in the waiting room at the tire place. blew a tire earlier and had to dig the spare out of the work car.

            i wish it would snow, they say we are finally gonna get some cool air and humidity in, as well as some rain will help put out some of these fires

          • more beer

            We have had a couple of wildfires here in the last month or so. One was right near were I was working. I had like 5 minutes left on this job and they told us to evacuate the job site. I was like fuck this and finished the job. That way if the house burned down I could still bill for it. Flats suck, I woke up to one a few weeks ago. Got a nail in one of my tires at work.

          • GoatForest

            No snow here, but the cold certainly slows down my business. What do you do, anyway?

          • more beer

            I power wash new homes. Back end of construction.

          • GoatForest

            Ah. I do HVAC.

          • more beer

            In reality I am a window washer by trade. But the people I sub-contract for had more window washers than they needed. So I started doing this. It pays really well and I get left alone for the most part. I also never have to climb a ladder anymore. You must do alright doing HVAC. If you find the right thing to do in the trades. You can make a really good living.

          • GoatForest

            Yep.

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            And you see a bunch of those huge bottles of coke stacked on top. Trailed by 4 little fat children.

            https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder955/400x/51773955.jpg

          • more beer

            Yep.

          • Patrick L. Bertlein

            How much of your taxes do you think actually goes to Food stamps, Abradolf? Really, what is your actual belief around that?

            While you are contemplating this, you might also want to think about how much goes to meat subsidies, oil, and militiary. OH yeah! And government banquets, those are paid for by your taxes too.

            Looking forward to your answer!

          • Abradolf Lincler

            lol, oh man. cant even joke anymore around here.

            i know that just shy of 35% of my paycheck goes to fucking taxes every week. and that says it all, maybe when you get a job you will start bitching about it too

          • Patrick L. Bertlein

            http://mediamatters.org/research/2012/09/18/hannity-omits-the-food-stamp-facts-most-recipie/189991

            I’m sure you probably hate facts and all, or think things like science and statistics are some crazy Liberal conspiracy, but here are some actual numbers about food stamps and employment.

            You and More Beer can both take that to the bank, which I am willing to bet is owned by a corporation that takes may more from you in taxes than poor families do that you are taught to resent by the media you blindly ingest.

            You may make more money than me, but I will always be your intellectual superior.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            lol man you are making all kinds of assumptions here. first, you say heres some real numbers and then cite mediamatters.org. LOL. second, neither I nor More Beer are getting rich working our asses off. in fact, im not even considered middle class by most standards. yet, i am still the HIGHEST PROPORTIONATELY taxed person in america: single WHITE middle class male. my guess is that the only reason MB and I make more money than you is because you dont make any money at all. and this does nothing but prove to me that you should never consider yourself ANYONEs intellectual superior.

          • Patrick L. Bertlein

            Than be pissed at the corporations, not the poor.

            I do work

        • Óðinn
        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Lol, if I think I could eat half-a-week for $35 equivalent of €’s with relative ease.

          • I think I can eat like one month with the equivalent in Bolívares, jajajaja!

    • Óðinn
  • Dumpster Lung

    I think I paid $40 for a shirt one time, and that was a tour shirt. Even that I find a bit much, as so many other bands have theirs for $10-20, but I believe it was Amon Amarth, right after Twilight of the Thundergod came out, so they were getting pretty huge.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I’d pay that much for a Mexican bootleg Destroyer 666 longsleeve with ‘Australian and Antichist’ on the back.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Gross

  • sweetooth0

    If I order a 20 dollar shirt from the states I’m looking at 26.50 CAD, then probably another 10 to 15 bucks in shipping. Yeah, so fuck mail ordering for shirts then I guess…

  • Eliza

    The monster on the shirt looks to me like it’s attempting ballet.

  • JWEG

    Thanks entirely to the exchange rate, shipping & handling, and customs fees on top of that I do pay plenty more than $35 every time I order T-Shirts from a U.S. source.

    For instance, though, not actually a band shirt I totally just paid $43 CAD to get one from Cavity Colors. And I’d do it again, because they’re worth it. Atomic Cotton too.

    Though if you’re looking for ‘horror’ shirts you can’t ever go wrong with the quality of Fright Rags’ tees. I’m still constantly wearing the first one I got from F-R in 2009, and apart from 7 years of inevitable washer-discoloration it looks and feels like new.

    Which kind of puts the $40 in perspective for me, every time. Store-bought tees always have a few-month lifespan. At best.

  • Why stop there? Make a beach towel and sell it for $50.

  • AndySynn

    $35 for Mutant Jazz Hands IS pretty steep.

  • AeonsOvChaos
    • Howard Dean

      Always loved that Blake Crush t-shirt.

      About that first shirt: “I’m unattractive but a rare commodity because I’m a woman at an extreme metal concert and I’m wearing an edgy t-shirt about me wanting to fuck metal artists. And look at my bright red hair! Please notice and desire me!”

      • James

        They will either way.

    • sweetooth0

      the Blake Crush shirt is funny shit.

    • I would wear the flush out of that first shirt

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        Mine would have smohlg’s name on it

        • Yeah, you and every one else! Hey, that’s a lucrative shirt design…

    • Dumpster Lung

      What the hell were Iced Earth thinking? That’s an unfathomably weird choice.

      I mean some band shirts are certainly going for humor, but that isn’t even tangentially related to Iced Earth in any way, aside from the fact that several of their albums could be considered poop. (I do have a soft-spot for some of their stuff, though).

  • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

    Just got off Space Mountain. You better believe I did my best Ric Flair’s impression.

  • Waynecro

    I’d only pay more than $20 for a shirt if it were extremely rare or something. Like an old, out-of-print Immolation shirt on eBay, for example.

  • Ayreonaut

    Don’t think I’ve ever paid over 20$. My buddy said black sabbath tour shirts were elike 45$. I’ve seen the dead a few times and their shirts are sometimes 50$+, just stupid.
    I do wish band hoodies were cheaper, living in Cny it’s always cold and I only have one havok hoodie and a bunch of flannels

  • James

    Inflames and Hellyeah shirts were goin for that much.

  • SomeGuyDude

    I mean… it’s a badass shirt, it’s not just a logo slapped onto the chest, the printing process is a lot different. They can’t cost the same as the cheap shit you get from CafePress.

  • Patrick L. Bertlein

    I spent 20 something on a couple non metal shirts, just because I wanted a few non-band shirts in general. I also spent about that on a Nebelung shirt, a acoustic folk group from Germany. Don’t think I’d spend that again though, shirts should only cost 15 max.