Shirt Stains: Stupid Viking Shirts


It’s hard to remain Loki when these shirts are dying for attention.

We’re doing something a little different with this edition of Shirt Stains. Normally, Shirt Stains makes fun of bad band shirts and merchandise. That’s not the case today. These aren’t band shirts, but the product of a Viking-centric shirt “company” called Valhalla’s Glory. Over the past few weeks, promoted or suggested (is there any difference?) posts for companies like Valhalla’s Glory, Hardcore Viking Fans, and Grimfrost have been popping up on Facebook. Others have reported the same thing. You may recognize their handiwork.

I’m not aware of any bands or companies I have “liked” on Facebook to warrant these ads but my guess is that they’re targeting metal fans in general and anyone you happen to be friends with that likes the page to hock their wares. And hock them they do. Valhalla’s Glory hocks with the fury of a thousand dorks. Dorks that like wolves and shirtless, muscular gods.



Shirts shouldn’t be passively aggressive. Right off the bat, this shirt informs literally everyone who looks at it that they are wrong. Screw you, shirt, you don’t know me, but I certainly know you now. You think you’re a rugged, wolf-like individual who got to where you are through hard work and pluck. You don’t just pull yourself up by your wolf bootstraps. You made the wolf bootstraps by hand using the hide of an animal you slaughtered (probably a SHEEP, amirite?) and wolf buttons crafted from minerals that you hand-mined and smelted. You don’t buy that fancy quilted toilet paper at a supermarket like some kind of lemming, you hand knit it yourself out of leaves and bark. Then you reuse it as a napkin and a blanket because you’re not a SHEEP like all those other SHEEP that get their SHEEP cooties all over your wolfness. Sure, it looks like the wolf on this shirt has a slice of pizza hanging out of it’s mouth, but that’s because you’re your own person and you can do whatever you want because you have your own place now. Mom can’t tell you to clean your room or not have a slice of pizza hanging out of your mouth anymore!

What, no mention of Thor?


What the Frigg? There are books that have less words than this shirt. Free font websites have less lettering options than this shirt. And it rhymes! That’s adorable. You can sing it like a true Viking while you walk down the street in your cargo shorts while sipping on a half-calf foam whip tall mocha frappachino and playing Pokemon Go. Just like the real Vikings did! God, this shirt must come pre-stinking of onion soup mix, boiled cabbage, and shame.

Of course it has a wolf on it because the Vikings aren’t tough enough to have snapping turtles as their universal symbol of manliness. It’s poetic justice that the howling wolf makes the same face you do when you take a really good piss. Is it really “Odin’s Sky”? Isn’t Tyr the Norse god of the sky? Neither one of them was the god of capitalization as the I in “I FINALLY FALL” is lower case. Maybe whoever designed this shirt should have spent a little more time paying attention in class and a little less raping and pillaging.

Planet Fatness


I hope this shirt only comes in sizes “Gut” “Extra Gut” and “Hypertension”.

I didn’t know Vikings rolled coal


This is all those bad skeleton memes come to life. Like most of these shirts, this one is full of both micro and macroaggressions. Remember that massively overused “Why so serious?” line from The Dark Knight? I’d like to alter it to “Why so unnecessarily aggressive and confrontational, you giant man-baby?”

Everyone who wears this shirt should also get a free trial for just so they can research their family and find out that they’re not “descended from Vikings.” Stop trying to project this silly tough warrior fantasy when you enjoy the same modern comforts as everyone else. You watch TV, you surf the internet, and you eat foods filled with all sorts of chemicals. We’re not impressed. Especially when the god on your shirt has a bicep bigger than its chest. He probably skips leg days too.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.M.A.I.D.E.N.


No. No you’re not a shieldmaiden. Your name is Alexis. You work part-time in retail. You own a French Bulldog named Cinnamon. The closest you’ve come to a shield is watching a Marvel movie. I fully respect not wanting to be reduced or denigrated with a title like “princess.” Let’s just avoid saying things we are not. You weren’t chosen to fight in battle or some other mythological nonsense. Tumblr wars don’t count either.

Be an individual like one of us


Nothing says “individual” like the same exact shirt with different flags behind them. Shame yourself and your country with your lack of historical and geographical knowledge. Valhalla doesn’t await you. Your Playstation 4 controller does. Don’t let the door hit you in your wolf-ass on the way out.

(Image VIA)

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  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    • Dagon

      Turtle Kills Wolf

      Untaken band name.

  • This is the worst trend in edgy menswear wear since bedazzled Affliction T’s and Dragon Ball Z button-ups.

  • Owlswald

    All this viking talk has made me listen to this:

    • JWEG

      I posted my thoughts about Tyr in the 2011 Albums exercise, but ICYMI: last three albums were way sub-par. I wish they’d go back to this quality, at least.

      • Wuuuut Valkyrja is awesome

  • Dubbbz

    For some reason this just reminded me that dragon t-shirts were really popular when I was a kid.

  • Eliza

    Is that Viking Darth Maul in the header picture?

    • Owlswald

      How many of the same ring can you wear on each hand? Probably broke his finger trying to get one off after he got fat fingers from beer, hot dogs and humidity.

      • Eliza

        Didn’t notice that, lol.

  • Yeah, these definitely do look a tad bit NS upon the first glance.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    Vikings still > Dragons

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    I ordered each of these in 3XL.

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    I really blame Amon Amarth for all of this.

    • Eliza

      There were other bands that referenced Norse mythology before Amon Amarth, like Bathory.

  • Eliza
  • Howard Dean

    I want to create a line of large men’s clothing with sizes like:

    -Angioplasty & Stent
    -Mother of God they are literally sawing your gangrenous feet off!

    • Comes with a free basket of Red Lobster biscuits.

      • Dubbbz

        I cannot deny the compelling power of the cheddar biscuits.

        • Howard Dean

          Or those shitty Popeye’s ones that they’ve literally injected with butter. May the power of delicious liquefied animal fat compel you!

          • Dubbbz

            Oh man, it’s been a while since I had a Popeye’s biscuit, but yes.

            I love biscuits.

          • Dagon

            When I lived in Providence there was a place called farmstead where they served sliders using biscuits as buns. Those were intense.


          • Howard Dean

            Dagon did you ever eat on Federal Hill when you were in Providence? Italian isn’t my most cherished cuisine, but they had some good shits up there. I remember eating some dope pizza pie at Caserta Pizzeria (originator’s of the “Wimpy Skippy,” whatever the fuck that is). It seemed like half of the restaurants had stories about some Mafioso getting shot on the premises.

          • Dagon

            I did. One of the few bars that aired UFC events while I was there was in Federal Hill so I went pretty much once or twice a month.

            The grilled pizza in a place called Bob & Timmy’s is dope, there was also a dessert place (which is usually not my thing) that I remember was very good.

          • Howard Dean


          • Seriously, how does one get so fat that their body decides to start storing fat on the forehead? Fat fucking mind boggling.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            JESUS FUCK!

      • Ayreonaut


  • Scrimm

    That second shirt is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen

  • Maik Beninton™
  • Dagon

    Wolf viking bacon beard Tesla

  • Dagon

    The first line had me trying to find pictures of a vato + viking hybrid. I failed. Why hasn’t the internet made this happen yet?

  • Old Man Doom

    I really hate the overuse and abuse of the Valknut symbol (the triple overlaid triangles). Dudes are getting that shit tattooed all the time, but little do they actually know what that symbol is supposed to portend. Yes, it is associated with Odin, but it is also associated with dying a horrible, violent death. To wear it is to commit oneself to an early, violent death for Odin (in his warmonger capacity). People would tattoo themselves with the Valknut before hanging themselves as a sacrifice for the god. It sucks to constantly see a flagrantly ignorant misuse of the symbol in merchandise and tattoos.

    • Dagon

      I’ve been considering getting ravens above my ample man breasts in part because of Huginn and Muninn. And because they look cool.

      • Old Man Doom

        You have my full support in this endeavor, you beautiful fish-man

      • I’m gonna get the Chinese symbol for strength right on my biceps. That’d be siqqqqq.

        • I remember an Arab guy at work that was joking of a shitty co-worker that had tattoed “his name in arabic on his arm”.

          The Arab guy told him: “dude, ye got ‘I like to lick asses’ in Arab and you didn’t knew”. The Arab spent the whole day laughing at him everytime he saw the tattoed guy, jajajajaja.

          • Dubbbz

            I got A E S T H E T I C S right on my lower back.

          • I don’t blame you. Your lower back is aesthetically pleasant.

          • Dubbbz

            I call my chest hair my “sensual forest.”

          • STAHP

            ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

          • Dagon

            Sensual forest of musk and moist

          • You have a “sensual coral forest”, right?

          • Dagon

            Right over bofa…

          • VVizardface Kelly


            I swear there’s a brand of these called sensual forest.

          • VVizardface Kelly

            M A C I N T O S H

          • Waynecro

            A pal of mine in college thought he had his high-school football number tattooed on his bicep in Japanese, but it was actually a woman’s name.

          • Dubbbz

            Joke’s on you. He actually married Hitomi and lives happily in Laredo now.

          • Waynecro

            His wife at the time was actually pretty annoyed about the Kiku tattoo. He lives alone in Yuma, Arizona, these days.

          • Eliza

            That’s sad.

          • Waynecro

            Life usually is.

          • Dagon



          • Eliza

            I can’t disagree. I’d want to, but I can’t.

          • Dubbbz

            Way to bring the room down, Wayne.

          • Wayne’s World is that way!

          • Waynecro

            Pretend I was wearing a funny T-shirt and novelty socks when I wrote that.

          • Dagon

            Eat the booty like groceries.

            Halal style.

          • ¡Jajajajajajaja! Eat you like a shawarma.

        • Dagon

          So extreme bro

        • Abradolf Lincler

          I love double ironic tattoos

        • Waynecro

          Bro, the Chinese symbol for strength on the right bicep, the Chinese symbol for domination on the left bicep. You gotta work in the symbols for tiger and dragon somewhere too, brah.

        • #tribalbandsforlyfe

      • Ayreonaut

        I have a huge raven on my left arm and that is part of its inspiration

        • Dagon

          I meant it. It’s a pretty cool symbol.

    • Howard Dean

      Walknut: overused pagan symbol, but great fucking BM band.

    • yeah but Vikings

  • Tumblr Wars, ep. I: The SJW Menace.
    Tumblr Wars, ep. II: The Attack of the “I’m different and crazy and weird” Clones.
    Tumblr Wars, ep. III: The Revenge of the Revenge Gif Porn.
    Tumblr Wars, ep. IV: A New Hope to Reblog Semi-Depressive Thoughts.
    Tumblr Wars, ep. V: The SJW Strikes Back.
    Tumblr Wars, ep. VI: The Return of the My Little Pony Fandom.
    Tumblr Wars, ep. VII: The A E S T H E T I C S Awaken.

  • hot diggity-damn these are terrible

  • sweetooth0


  • Eliza

    In spite of these awful shirts, there are much, much worse ways people can be into vikings.

    • Dubbbz

      The plot of this book is garbage, but the worldbuilding is masterfully executed.

      • Eliza

        And dat character development.

    • “The captain is
      everything a Viking warrior should be — tall, fierce, blond, and curved
      in all the right places. Hold it — curved in all the right places?
      That’s right. This Viking captain, Tyra, is a woman, and a lovely one at
      that. For years her height and strength and sharp tongue have daunted
      any Norseman with marriage on his mind. But now, faced with her ailing
      father’s vow that her sisters (all smaller, sweeter, and younger than
      she) will remain maidens until Tyra weds, the bold captain decides it’s
      time to find herself a husband.

      That’s when she meets Adam the
      Healer, the twofold answer to this maiden’s prayers. The skilled
      physician can use his expertise to cure her father, and Tyra’s more than
      willing for the tall, handsome man to warm her marriage bed as well.
      There’s just one problem. It seems that Adam isn’t inclined to take
      orders from anyone…. But Tyra isn’t the first Viking captain to kidnap
      a likely-looking mate — though even she admits it’s generally the
      groom who wears the armor on such occasions.

      My Fair Viking is fun and fast-paced — and, when Adam finally realizes what he’s being offered, things get even funnier and faster”.

      I think I can make this plot to a D&D campaign.

      • Eliza

        I’d be disappointed if this wasn’t more or less the plot of this book.

        • Another review!

          “Two years without a woman, and the first one that arouses me is wearing
          chain mail and scratching at her groin,” Adam, the hero of this bizarre
          but humorous historical, muses upon meeting Princess Tyra of Stoneheim,
          a Viking warrior who wants nothing more than to be viewed as “one of
          the guys.” Since the death of his sister, renowned Saxon healer Adam
          refuses to see new patients, but this doesn’t sit well with Tyra, who
          has come seeking help for her comatose father, King Thorvald. The
          formidable young woman takes Adam by force to her Norse homeland, where
          he agrees to try trepanning Thorvald’s skull in exchange for a night
          with Tyra. Tyra, meanwhile, has plans to renounce her birthright and
          join the Varangian Guard in Byzantium; she’s a serious fighting machine
          who has little interest in marriage, but her four younger sisters are
          forbidden to marry until she has either wed or left the country. The
          verbal and physical sparring between Adam and Tyra is delightful, and
          Hill’s (The Blue Viking) secondary characters—including Adam’s
          single-minded Arab friend, Tyra’s scheming sisters and an accident-prone
          orphan boy—provide comic relief. A singular blend of humor and romance,
          this breezy read will appeal to fans of Viking romances as well as
          mainstream historicals.”

          So, who want to call dibs on Thorvald’s character sheet?

          • Eliza

            XD Give it a try.

          • Roll 1d20 and add your athletics mod to escape Adam’s trepanation!

          • Eliza

            I’ve found the author’s site and took a look at other books she wrote. I feel compelled to buy at least one for some reason.

          • Ayreonaut

            Escaping penetration

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Speaking of awful books, this is what happened when I tried to find Tentacles of Whorror by Leviathan on Amazon.

      • Eliza

        I don’t even.

  • Some of you are more or less aware of my career field and unfortunately said career field is not immune to extreme levels of douche lord behavior. There is an apparel company that caters to such douche lords and I avoid it like the plague. Click the link if you want to know the shame in which I live:

    Actually, the plague sounds welcoming compared to this shit.

    • Dubbbz
    • Dubbbz

      Also, I thought gentlemen in your line of work typically eschewed shirts in favor of going bare-chested beneath the bunker gear, the oily suspenders just barely covering the supple curvature of the nipples?

      • Waynecro

        “Supple curvature of the nipples.” You are now my favorite Romanticist author.

        • Dubbbz

          I’ve considered selling out and writing smut for Amazon Kindle on more than one occasion.

          • When is national write a book month or whatever? Let’s see how many smut novellas we can crank out.

          • Dubbbz


          • Waynecro

            Let me know if you need an editor. I try to support genius whenever I can.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Can you please become the next Chuck Tingle?

    • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants


      That’s kind of what I get from this company. The worst part is that it’s the fucking partime, or volunteer, firefighters that wear this stuff the most.

      • We call them “jolly volly” b/c they are more prone to epic levels of douche. Back when I was testing for departments you could always separate them out b/c they usually had stickers on their trucks that said “I FIGHT WHAT YOU FEAR” or “FIRST IN, LAST OUT.”

        The best part is we spend more time lifting obese people off the floor, sifting through human shit/blood/vomit, and dealing with meth addicts than we do fighting fire.

  • These are shirts that people may actually buy and wear. That tells you all you need to know about a person right there.

  • Ayreonaut

    That was painful. Those recommended shirts and ads on the internet are crap 100% of the time

  • VVizardface Kelly

    If there is any doubt as to whether you have heard the Call of Odin, here is a handy guide provided by the ruthless warriors at History Channel.

  • JWEG

    Star Wars themed Football Fans? Why yes, we have those too.

    Oh, but apparently it’s not limited to Vikings when in the NFL.

    ….I couldn’t find any Star Wars themed BC Lions fan stuff, so here’s this almost-Metal-themed weirdness instead:

  • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

    I’m torn……………. I love Vikings because of metal and the fact I grew up with an Icelandic grandmother, but at the same time I’m Chicagoan and should root for Da Bears. Gah, fuck the Midwest!

  • Waynecro

    I will be chuckling about “It’s hard to remain Loki when these shirts are dying for attention” for the foreseeable future.

  • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

    I have to wonder………………Tala íslensku hér allir?

  • Count_Breznak

    Still a better lovesto….err still more nordic than the Thor comics or movies.
    …pathetic, isn’t it.

  • Lol that one shirt doesn’t even make sense. Here’s how you read it:



  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    don’t give the Space Wolves any more stupid ideas!