Shirt Stains: Stupid Viking Shirts

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It’s hard to remain Loki when these shirts are dying for attention.

We’re doing something a little different with this edition of Shirt Stains. Normally, Shirt Stains makes fun of bad band shirts and merchandise. That’s not the case today. These aren’t band shirts, but the product of a Viking-centric shirt “company” called Valhalla’s Glory. Over the past few weeks, promoted or suggested (is there any difference?) posts for companies like Valhalla’s Glory, Hardcore Viking Fans, and Grimfrost have been popping up on Facebook. Others have reported the same thing. You may recognize their handiwork.

I’m not aware of any bands or companies I have “liked” on Facebook to warrant these ads but my guess is that they’re targeting metal fans in general and anyone you happen to be friends with that likes the page to hock their wares. And hock them they do. Valhalla’s Glory hocks with the fury of a thousand dorks. Dorks that like wolves and shirtless, muscular gods.

WE THE SHEEPLE

vikingsheep

Shirts shouldn’t be passively aggressive. Right off the bat, this shirt informs literally everyone who looks at it that they are wrong. Screw you, shirt, you don’t know me, but I certainly know you now. You think you’re a rugged, wolf-like individual who got to where you are through hard work and pluck. You don’t just pull yourself up by your wolf bootstraps. You made the wolf bootstraps by hand using the hide of an animal you slaughtered (probably a SHEEP, amirite?) and wolf buttons crafted from minerals that you hand-mined and smelted. You don’t buy that fancy quilted toilet paper at a supermarket like some kind of lemming, you hand knit it yourself out of leaves and bark. Then you reuse it as a napkin and a blanket because you’re not a SHEEP like all those other SHEEP that get their SHEEP cooties all over your wolfness. Sure, it looks like the wolf on this shirt has a slice of pizza hanging out of it’s mouth, but that’s because you’re your own person and you can do whatever you want because you have your own place now. Mom can’t tell you to clean your room or not have a slice of pizza hanging out of your mouth anymore!

What, no mention of Thor?

viking

What the Frigg? There are books that have less words than this shirt. Free font websites have less lettering options than this shirt. And it rhymes! That’s adorable. You can sing it like a true Viking while you walk down the street in your cargo shorts while sipping on a half-calf foam whip tall mocha frappachino and playing Pokemon Go. Just like the real Vikings did! God, this shirt must come pre-stinking of onion soup mix, boiled cabbage, and shame.

Of course it has a wolf on it because the Vikings aren’t tough enough to have snapping turtles as their universal symbol of manliness. It’s poetic justice that the howling wolf makes the same face you do when you take a really good piss. Is it really “Odin’s Sky”? Isn’t Tyr the Norse god of the sky? Neither one of them was the god of capitalization as the I in “I FINALLY FALL” is lower case. Maybe whoever designed this shirt should have spent a little more time paying attention in class and a little less raping and pillaging.

Planet Fatness

vikingfitness

I hope this shirt only comes in sizes “Gut” “Extra Gut” and “Hypertension”.

I didn’t know Vikings rolled coal

nomercyviking

This is all those bad skeleton memes come to life. Like most of these shirts, this one is full of both micro and macroaggressions. Remember that massively overused “Why so serious?” line from The Dark Knight? I’d like to alter it to “Why so unnecessarily aggressive and confrontational, you giant man-baby?”

Everyone who wears this shirt should also get a free trial for Ancestry.com just so they can research their family and find out that they’re not “descended from Vikings.” Stop trying to project this silly tough warrior fantasy when you enjoy the same modern comforts as everyone else. You watch TV, you surf the internet, and you eat foods filled with all sorts of chemicals. We’re not impressed. Especially when the god on your shirt has a bicep bigger than its chest. He probably skips leg days too.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.M.A.I.D.E.N.

vikingshieldmaiden

No. No you’re not a shieldmaiden. Your name is Alexis. You work part-time in retail. You own a French Bulldog named Cinnamon. The closest you’ve come to a shield is watching a Marvel movie. I fully respect not wanting to be reduced or denigrated with a title like “princess.” Let’s just avoid saying things we are not. You weren’t chosen to fight in battle or some other mythological nonsense. Tumblr wars don’t count either.

Be an individual like one of us

vikingcountryshirts

Nothing says “individual” like the same exact shirt with different flags behind them. Shame yourself and your country with your lack of historical and geographical knowledge. Valhalla doesn’t await you. Your Playstation 4 controller does. Don’t let the door hit you in your wolf-ass on the way out.

(Image VIA)

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