Shirt Stains: Slayer Bootlegs

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Rayning blud frm uh laserayted skye.

Many people have asked where I find all the terrible shirts shown in Shirt Stains. Well, my friends, the internet is a wonderful and magical place. While it’s mostly websites full of naked bits and snarky bullshit celebrity gossip, there are some places dedicated to band merch. Google Images is a good place to start, and merch sites like IndieMerch and AllInMerch are helpful resources. I’ve come to discover, though, that the best place for terrible band shirts is eBay.

A simple search on the auction website can lead to a veritable cornucopia of crap. Know of a bad band? You can search them and see what you find. Terrible genre? Try that. Awful, awful tour shirts. You bet. My favorite thing, though, are bootleg shirts. These things are almost universally terrible. Misspellings, poor transfers, awful graphics, ill-advised all-over prints and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. For whatever reason, Slayer seems to be the band with the most bootlegs. Lucky us.

World Painted Crud

Slayerbootleg4

Aiiyyyeeeeeeeeee! I had no idea that Mountain Dew: Code Red was available in wearable form. Doctors recommend not staring directly at this shirt. This shirt is the number one choice for serial-killing people that post live Phish videos on Facebook. How much more red could this shirt be? The answer is none. None more red. Yeah I know there’s some black splattering in there that makes it look like a demon just let loose some blackened devil jizz, but it’s still offensively red. It’s hard to tell where sleeves and necklines begin and end. This shirt could replace the puzzle box in Hellraiser.

This bootleg uses the traditional eagle Slayer symbol which would be fine and dandy if it weren’t printed crooked. What, do they not have rulers in eastern European meth/bootleg shirt labs? Did all the red dye fumes make the printer cross-eyed? Was this the last shirt before the sweat shop closed for the day after a typical 38-hour shift? Did Kerry King beat his bootleg slave that he keeps chained up in his basement next to the Jager-shooting bidet a little too hard? It’s these thoughts that keep me up at night.

Dead Brah Mask

slayerbootleg2

Bro, you’re going to a Five Finger Death Punch show? Dude, fuck yeah, I’m going! I’m gunna fuck up some pussies in the pit, yo. No one gets left behind, bitch! I got this sweet new Slayer shirt to wear. I don’t listen to them because I don’t like black metal, but it’s still cool. People are gunna see it and be like “Whoa, I better not fuck with that dude. He’s all scary and shit!”

Nah, I don’t think it looks stupid at all. Skulls with random spikey things coming out of them are awesome. I might put some spikey things on my pickup. And check out that bitchin’ eagle! It’s all like “Cawww! Cawww! I’m gunna fuck you up and fuck your girl! Cawww motherfucker!”

And look at this weird whiteish gray design all around. It’s like it’s snowing. It’s snowing on my fucking shit, bruh! Can your shit do that? Suck my balls, it can’t! Totally worth the $25 plus shipping on eBay.

I don’t like the pentagram, though. I don’t want people to think I’m like some sort of satanic devil-worshipper or something. I mean, I have a tattoo of a crucifix on my neck. I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

Altar Of Craprifice
slayerbootleg3

This shirt is Hell. This shirt is what Mike Huckabee thinks of when he’s auto-erotically asphyxiating himself. This shirt is Donald Trump’s biggest supporter for president. This shirt killed the Lindberg baby. This shirt inspired Uwe Boll to become a director. This shirt is the reason why your video game console needs to update all the time. This shirt leaves one broken cookie left in the bag. This shirt doesn’t want to talk about politics but responds to every political post on Facebook. This shirt pisses with the seat down and then doesn’t clean up. This shirt goes to Chili’s for authentic Mexican food. This shirt goes to little league games to pick up single mothers. This shirt is a former editor of Gawker.

Playing With LOLs

Slayerbootleg

 

Is cracked concrete or dry desert the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Slayer? If you said yes then this shirt is for you. Also, what the hell is wrong with you? I can only assume that this shirt either already had this design on it before the Slayer symbol was put on, or it’s from aliens that have studied naked pictures of Margaret Thatcher. Just like that red monstrosity above, the Slayer symbol is not printed correctly and bleeds onto the sleeve and ribs.

Slayerbootlegback

Unbelievably, the back is even worse. What the fuck? What the fuck, man? When did the Joker have a kid with Eddie? Is he missing an eye? Is he on fire? Is he wearing lipstick? Does he not have dental insurance? Where’s Harley Quinn? Who thought this was a good idea? Who would buy this? I can only hope that whoever decides to actually wear this in public is followed by Dagon ringing a bell shouting “Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!”

Jesus Saves (But Satan Scores On The Rebound)

slayerstains

Who knew that you could represent 1999-2000 vibe in t-shirt form? This shirt should come with jean shorts, frosted tips, and a backwards Billabong visor. It comes pre-stained with Josta soda and Butterfinger BB’s. The shirt is the physical embodiment of Slayer’s silly Bloodline video. At least there was a cute kitty in that. I’m getting a heavy X-Files vibe from this shirt for some reason. Maybe it’s because of the font.

Why does the shirt need to say Slayer so many times? Is it because the name is only clear once on the entire front of the shirt? Is it so people know where to return you when you show up lost in the woods? Is it so Kerry King can silently judge you from his throne of promotional Jagermeister shot glasses and Sum 41 singles? If you look closely, it appears that there’s two faces with long hair on the front. I think it’s better if you let your eyes blur to make it look like two hand prints over your moobs. KerryKingMoobs.com. Someone secure that web domain.

~~~~~$PECIAL BONU$ $ELL OUT CONTENT FROM THE EDITOR~~~~~

Boy, we sure have a good time making fun of ugly shirts around here, huh gang? You certainly wouldn’t want to buy one of them so consider buying a non-ugly shirt! Maybe one that is adorned with acclaimed heavy metal artist Lauren Gornik’s art, and the name of your favorite heavy metal blog! What do we have here… it’s an official Toilet ov Hell t-shirt! Available for purchase now! For a very limited time! You have just FIVE days left to order yours. GET IT NOW!

You'd look good as fuck in this.

You’d look good as fuck in this.

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  • Rho Stone

    yeah well I’d wear the first one

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    365 plz! That last shirt was cool! I also like Butterfinger BBs and Josta as well as visors!

    • You trolling skillz are progressing well, young one.

      GL

      • Mother Shabubu 4

        Troll or no troll, no true human enjoys visors. He must be a reptiloid!

    • KJM

      I’m with ya on the BBs, but GTFO with all that other crap.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
    • Herr Schmitty

      This hurts me a tiny, tiny bit inside because I definitely liked BBs.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I liked them as well. When I was little they were my favorite candy until I discovered Buncha Crunch.

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
    • Mother Shabubu 4

      zlAYEr

    • The Battle Born NDN

      Wow.

    • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

      That’s not how you do it! Everybody knows that a true SLAYER fan CARVES the band’s name into their flesh with razor blades!!

  • ME GORAK B.C.™
    • Mother Shabubu 4

      Kerry King and the Slayers must be stopped.

    • Jointsalot

      That is pretty bad… so is this

  • KJM

    BREAKING GNUS: nu Uncle Acid track
    “First single taken from the new album: The Night Creeper, released on September 4th 2015.” (opinion forthcoming)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbwk228vtkg&feature=youtu.be

    • Hubert

      I dig it. Good riff and catchy. I’m not a fan of the solo, but it didn’t hurt the song too much. The production seems more low-fi, which I like.
      Did they shorten their name to just Uncle Acid? I’d be bummed if they did, I like my stupidly long band names.

      • KJM

        It’s confusing. I see the long and short band names used interchangeably.

      • JW(E)G

        Same deal with Slough Feg. I still refer to them by the elongated original form about as often as I do the newer shorter version.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      These guys are growing on me. They were a bit out of place at MDF when I saw them since they were the least heavy. But goddamn, can they jam.

      • KJM

        I saw them in September 2014 and they killed it.

        • more beer

          I`ve been wanting to see them. But they are playing 2 weeks before I go to California for for death fest. I think I need to save my money for that.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
      • Void Dweller

        One man Australian throwback. Good shit.

        • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

          No shit!?! I found this the other day and didn’t even look to see who was in the band. Good shit indeed.

      • KJM

        This is awesome.

    • Disgustache
      • KJM

        Exactly.

  • Void Dweller

    All over print, is the worst kind of print.

    • sweetooth0

      no way man, I like my Death ones for Leprosy and Spiritual Healing. Also, my full front print for Night of the Living Dead is pretty sweet.

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

    You never want to go out the David Carradine way. You always have to paint it differently in the media.

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    More like Slayer of fashion sense!

    huehuehuehuehue

    • MS4 wasssssssup?

      GL

  • Scrimm

    Those are all terrible but that second one is one of the ugliest things I’ve seen in a long time.

    • but wud you wear it to BWW?

      • Scrimm

        Not even once.

        • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

          Not even with green eggs and ham, Sam I Am?

          • Scrimm

            No

  • BOY THAT LAST SHIRT SURE IS ATTRACTIVE. I THINK I WILL PURCHASE ONE.

    • I wonder if on the back it reads…

      “Lolbuttz/10” ??

      GL

      • EsusMoose

        I was hoping it’d say “selling out is my business and the toilet is clogged, sorry.”

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      GOTZ MINZ, CANT WAIT!

    • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

      The only shirt guaranteed to make brolos explode on contact! (claim certified by the FDA, the ATF, and Brock Lesner. May cause swelling in the groin area and face).

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    These may not be the shirts we need, but they definitely are the ones Kerry King deserves.

    • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

      I’m waiting to Tom’s own brand of Just For Men!

  • Disqus has been doing a terrible time updating comments of late… It is like we are all waiting for something to happen when it already has…

  • JW(E)G

    For some reason the last time I looked at the TovH tee, the American Apparel version didn’t go larger than XL. I assume this was a glitch rather than a stock oversight, but either way it gives me more reason to go for it.

    I’m not one of you lucky diminutive people. I have to get most of my clothing online by necessity rather than choice. To my advantage, that means I ‘can’ be picky enough to avoid potential Shirt Stains, but also means I miss out on a lot of cloth merchandise that’s only ever sold at gigs.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      The FotL type has more size options.

      • JW(E)G

        This time I looked the AA does too.

        It’s colder up here, so I don’t really ‘need’ a lighter shirt. I just like that option because the ‘premium’ part makes me think of the lighter type that Fright Rags uses (not sure the brand: there’s no tag) versus the heavier ones from Rotten Cotton that shrink, fray, and discolour so much faster. And I know are FotL, so there’s that too.

        It’s almost shocking how much FR got me used to paying near $40 Canadian (with the shipping included) for a single t-shirt. Even so I still keep having flashbacks to the first t-shirt I ever bought myself (single-digit age, natch) being only $8 and thinking THAT seemed excessive.

    • Lacertilinger

      I got a 2XL for my large Hungarian friend in the American Apparel version.

  • The Battle Born NDN

    The only Slayer shirt I’ve ever owned is, of course, the Reign in Blood tee.
    However, I would buy the Live Undead tee, and probably Hell Awaits, no matter how ugly the above shirts are.

    • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

      I had a South Of Heaven shirt when I was in 6th grade. Looking back, it being printed on a white Fruit Of The Loom shirt kinda killed the spooky, hail Satan factor.

  • The Fish Boz

    This shirt doesn’t want to talk about politics but responds to every political post on Facebook.

    Can a shirt be a person? Or a person… be a shirt? Fuck.

  • Bozamole Jim

    Fuck that last shirt was terrible

  • One Slayer Bootleg to rule them all ! http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41qyk3e5FIL.jpg

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      This is the greatest shirt of all goddamn time.

    • Maik Bozinton™

      Slater huh, but does it djent?

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    I saw Slayer two nights ago and they kicked ass. There I said it! And I was ready to hate…but they were very good.

    • more beer

      You got lucky. When I saw them a year ago they were horrible. When me and my buddy left after the show. We both said that`s the last I`m gonna see them. The set list was great they didn`t play anything past South of Heaven. Their set was the worst I`ve ever seen. I`ve seen them a lot of times over the years.

  • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

    I can practically smell the day old Four Loco, dirty laundry baskets, dollar store Axe (or UFC sponsored spray on deodorant) and chicken wing grease on the first two! And I’m gonna take a guess that the model on the second one has the most punchable face on the planet, hence why he’s rightfully hiding it.

  • Cunt Cunt

    Got a bootleg tour shirt with just the slayer logo and band members names on it outside a gig about 10 years ago. I was quite drunk when I got it and it was only a 5er but ya bootleg tour shirts are the worst.

  • Megan Alexandra

    I used to work at a shop where Uwe Boll would come in and ONLY buy the same $16 bottle of olive oil, which always inexplicably went unpaid for, and the receipt stapled into a notebook with UWE BOLL written on the front. No matter how many times I went through this with him, he would aggressively reiterate every time that he was not to pay and that the receipt went in the book and that he was Uwe Boll.

    TLDR, I laughed a lot at this article.

  • Waynecro

    I knew a kid who tried to carve “SLAYER” into his arm with a safety pin. It looked like a connect-the-dots puzzle. The effort was as half-hearted as a Kerry King guitar solo. Zing!

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I fucking lost it at Butterfinger BBs. Bravo 365, bravo.

  • Did someone say frosted tips? Hell no! Kerry Fieri only goes full frosting!

  • Lacertilinger

    This is one of the best you’ve done dude.
    Laughs the whole way down the swirling miasma of flush.

  • Lacertilinger

    After some google searching I found the old Slayer long sleeve that I got at the 2007 Australian tour. It’s ugly but used to be pretty warm, I think @lmd666:disqus has the same one.

    • Master E… So Vindictive

      The back’s alright, but the front is a fluorescent eyesore.

      • Lacertilinger

        Agreed, although it was better than the other ones on offer at the time.
        Just glad to have seen Slayer before Hanneman died and they became $layer.
        Also, Mastodon opened for them that night, was just after Blood Mountain came out so it was a great time to see both bands.

        • Master E… So Vindictive

          I think that was the tour a guy from school went to. He caught one of Kerry’s pick and swore that Kerry threw it to him specifically.

          • Ted ‘Toth’ Nü-Djent ™

            Tom handed me a pick afterthey played the entertainment centre on the Diablous tour. No throw. Handed.

          • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

            Kerry handed me one of his cherished Hungry Man Dinners once.

    • Ted ‘Toth’ Nü-Djent ™

      I do I do

  • DCLXVI

    welp, I totally missed this post