Shirt Stains: Shadows Lol

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The real Destroyer Of Senses.

A few months back, we asked you, our loyal readers, to post your own Shirt Stains-worthy band shirts. Many a lol was had at our own expense. If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you can’t laugh at others, right? Well, it’s time to laugh at myself for being in possession of this awful, terrible, no-good, very bad Shadows Fall long-sleeve shirt.

I say “in possession” because I don’t want to claim ownership. Technically, I didn’t buy this shirt nor did I exchange money for it. I also don’t want to be legally responsible for any harm that comes to people who look at it. I assume no responsibility and may God have mercy on your soul. And yes, I know, it’s wrinklier than Bernie Sanders’s balls in an Arizona heatwave.

shadowsfallshirtstains

A few years back, in an effort to reduce clutter and make a few Sacajewas, I ran a table at a hipster flea market. Mostly moldy old records and cds and dvds I didn’t want anymore. There was a guy at the flea market selling a bunch of metal shirts. I took a look at what he had and went back to my table, thinking if anything was left at the end of the day, I would consider buying something. In return, this guy came over to my table to see if there were any cds he wanted. We were just shooting the shit and he brought up the prospect of trading. I said something along the lines of “Yeah, maybe. I saw you had some decent stuff like Shadows Fall, Suffocation, etc.” Apparently “Yeah, maybe” meant “You’re getting the smallpox infected blankets of the metal world” because at the end of the day, he handed me this shirt and took a cd without any discussion.

I think that’s the only way the curse of this shirt can be transferred. You cannot force the curse onto an unsuspecting soul. They must accept it of their own free will. This was forged in the fires of Lolbuttz Mountain and blessed by many malandros. Martin Skreli was born wearing this shirt. Hellyeah wants to collaborate with this shirt. Bros say “Sweet tats!” when they see the strange sleeve designs on this shirt. Do those swirly pseudo-designs need to be there? Not even if it is “what drives the weak”. Shadows Fall just loves their swirlies so much they just had to have it on the front design as well. It’s kind of stupid, but is it worth being in Shirt Stains? Take a look at the back.

20150816_121842

Who? What? When? Where? Why? Who is that supposed to be? What exactly is going on? When did someone think this was a good design? Where was the quality control? Why is this a thing?! Is that a man? A woman? A Ted Cruz? Look at the expression on its face. Never has the word “Bruh” ever been so perfectly illustrated. Is this person dead? Sleeping? Hungry? Stuffed with pizza rolls and carrot cake? Are they in diabetic shock? Where’s your epi pen?! Where are those hands coming from? Do they belong to anyone? Did the artist get whacked in the eyes with Brian Fair‘s dreads and have to stop? I understand that it is entirely possible that this design comes from some very famous artwork. It doesn’t matter.

This shirt is a dildo sandwich. This shirt touches bras in department stores. This shirt is pineapple vape juice. This shirt is a norovirus-infected Chipolte burrito. This shirt gets its news from BroBible. This shirt fights kids to get a foul ball at a Single-A minor league baseball game. This shirt is starting a new band called Bong Goat.

  • Whatever it’s wearing, it looks to be part of the pirate trend.

    “Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the ’90s. You’re gonna be the first pirate!”

    https://media.giphy.com/media/4p5XbhlwJN5ss/giphy.gif

  • Óðinn

    That’s some nasty-ass tribal shit.

  • hieronymus bossk

    That would look good with Joe’s AFI tattoo.

  • these are too funny, 365. during the read, i kept thinking is he gonna coax one of us into taking ownership, therefore ridding himself of the curse?

    • THE DIE IS CAST

    • Dubs

      It’s kind of like Dracula, though. It can’t come into your home unless invited.

      • Hey, is De Occulta Philosophia worth checking out?

        • Dubs

          Uh, if you’re actually interested in a philosophical discussion of the occult and magick in religion, it’s certainly an important text. May not be the most interesting read though if you aren’t religiously/philosophically inclined, though. Here’s a sample:

          Seeing there is a three-fold World, Elementary, Celestiall, and Intellectual, and every inferior is governed by its superior, and receiveth the influence of the vertues thereof, so that the very original, and chief Worker of all doth by Angels, the Heavens, Stars, Elements, Animals, Plants, Metals, and Stones convey from himself the vertues of his Omnipotency upon us, for whose service he made, and created all these things: Wise men conceive it no way irrationall that it should be possible for us to ascend by the same degrees through each World, to the same very originall World it self, the Maker of all things, and first Cause, from whence all things are, and proceed; and also to enjoy not only these vertues, which are already in the more excellent kind of things, but also besides these, to draw new vertues from above. Hence it is that they seek after the vertues of the Elementary world, through the help of Physick [=medicine], and Naturall Philosophy in the various mixtions of Naturall things, then of the Celestiall world in the Rayes, and influences thereof, according to the rules of Astrologers, and the doctrines of Mathematicians, joyning the Celestiall vertues to the former: Moreover, they ratifie and confirm all these with the powers of divers Intelligencies, through the sacred Ceremonies of Religions. The order and process of all these I shall endeavor to deliver in these three Books: Whereof the forst contains naturall Magick, the second Celestiall, and the third Ceremoniall. But I know not whether it be an unpardonable presumption in me, that I, a man of so little judgement and learning, should in my very youth so confidently set upon a business so difficult, so hard, and intricate as this is. Wherefore, whatsoever things have here already, and shall afterward be said by me, I would not have any one assent to them, nor shall I my self, any further then they shall be approved of by the Universall Church, and the Congregation of the Faithfull.

          • Ooops, sorry I should have been more specific. I meant the BLOOD OF KINGU album.

          • Dubs

            OOOOOHHHH, hahahahahaha. Yah, It’s cool, but I like Sun in the House of the Scorpion better.

          • I feel bad that you went through all of that trouble to type that all out for me. Sorry again. Rad, I might check it out here, it’s not very long of an album. I’ve only heard the newest album so far.

          • Dubs

            Nah, I just copied from a pdf, so no worries.

          • Oh, good. Haha!

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Try Altar of Sacrifice if you want some edgy running-in-forests-with-a-hood-on ritual satanism.

          • Dubs

            I’m not particularly drawn to anything edgy.

          • Agripa’s concepts are very interesting, I haven’t read the books, but what I knew about his hystorical figure is curious.

    • I must clarify that, while I slay malandros for both epical and sport ways, the mention of them as orcs in the Lolbuttz Mountain was the laugh I needed the entire day.

    • hieronymus bossk

      365 when someone attempts to return it to him: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v247/InfernoSilver/Misc/keepdrivin.jpg

    • I lol’d @ dildo sandwich.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    This shirt would look pretty dope matched up with some jeans shorts, work boots, a monster energy hat, and Oakley blades.

  • Eliza

    I’ve recently made the discovery that this shirt exists within my residence. Ugh.

    • Spear

      The curse has spread! No one is safe!

    • hahahahaaaaaa

    • BURN IT WITH FIRE. QUICK

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        *as Bret Michaels seduces you with his duck lips and convinces you to wear the shirt*

        http://i.imgur.com/GQecL.jpg

        • Eliza

          GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Looks like he upgraded his bandana-wig in that pic.

          • Eliza

            The bandana was the last thing I noticed when I first saw that picture.

          • Guppusmaximus

            I’m surprised Mike Muir hasn’t taken this pendejo cabron out for aping SAs

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            That’s because he’s still locked up for asking for a Pepsi.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Well played. I’d probably do the same. He’s still a scary mothatrucka… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/43f43537ac2d774e3352570ab8e47fe21cfd71feb73b919794d7b39264ab6c14.jpg

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Damn, it’s like a swole, not fucked up/wheelchair bound Paul Di’anno!

          • guys who look like that are allowed to wear self-band shirts.

    • Dubs

      “Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer–both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams.”

      • Eliza

        Where is this from? I like the way it sounds.

        • Dubs

          Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

          • *Blackbeards Trunk

            ftfy

          • Dubs

            You get rill creepy sometimes.

          • thats my specialty

          • it should also be noted i have to signifcantly tone myself down for this website

            my humors are of the darkest sort

          • you might have dialed down the the exterior, but keep being Ole’ Dirty Blastbeard on the inside plz

          • in real life im basically a walking talking kenny powers without the mullet

          • if u just had the mullet, you would be the perfect Trump supporter.

            huehue

          • Eliza

            I still haven’t finished that book, but I liked what I’ve read so far. Knowing the towns and regions that were mentioned at the beginning made me feel special in a weird way.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Wasn’t that at the beginning of the movie ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’? I forget, since it’s been forever since I’ve ever seen it.

          • Dubs

            I’ve actually never seen the movie.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            You’re definitely not missing anything. Outside of the stellar as usual performance by Gary Oldman, it’s a stinker. It’s bad when even he can’t save a film.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Poison and ‘hardcore’ are two words that should never go together, unless you’re Rasputin!

      • more beer

        That is an understatement.

      • Spear

        You’re right, this goes hard af https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWInIUwqhKQ

      • I could go for an Old Rasputin right about now.

        • more beer

          It is a snowy day here, one of those would really hit the spot.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            It’s a nice humid day today, so sitting back with a Milwaukee’s Best with tomato juice.

          • more beer

            I am sitting here with a marijuana smorgasbord. A couple of stains of weed, 2 strains of wax and a couple edibles. So even without beer I am in good shape.

          • jesus, i’d consume that entire thing RN

          • i want in too

          • more beer

            You can only get so high.

          • you know what, i had this suspicion. and you confirmed it!

          • doesnt mean you cant try

          • that’s when i just need to switch to the “big guns”… of which i am presently empty-handed.

          • more beer

            Once you get to a certain point you aren’t getting any higher.

          • BobLoblaw

            Smoking anyway. Not sure ive reached a plateau with edibles yet.

          • more beer

            Many people can no handle the edibles here and end up in the hospital. So I am not really sure that is the case.

          • BobLoblaw

            Just my personal experience and everyone is certainly different but i think its safe to say the peak is much higher (heh) with edibles. Hence why a “seasoned toker” can get the fear and end up thinking they need to go to the hospital after eating a strong dose. Half a cookie may be almost too much for some while ill gobble down 3 with a tincture laced coffee to wash it all down. I had what should have easily been “too much” on a vacation years back and ended up having the best day out of the whole vacation true visual disturbances and all.

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            80 degrees here. Fuck. Can’t really enjoy stouts for a while 🙁

          • more beer

            It has been really warm and then a big storm every other week since the beginning of the month. Stouts for one more weekend.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          I vaguely remember those.

          • more beer

            Those are not part of your beer universe.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I’m but a common man, not one of you high fallutin’ rich folk. *chomps down on my dollar store chicken tenders and sips my swill*

          • more beer

            I am hardly rich. I do pretty well for myself because I work hard.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Hell, I was pretty much drinking the same kind of drinks even when I was making more than enough money. It’s just how I roll!

      • Eliza

        Haha, that’s true! Maybe the people who made this shirt never actually listened to Poison

      • more beer

        They shouldn’t even be in the same zip code.

      • Does the back of the shirt say “Unity”? They tryin’ to make a moshbro shirt.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Something something Straight Edge on the back.

    • “Hardcore rockn ‘roll” sounds like exactly the kind of thing someone who doesn’t know what genres are would describe a lot of heavy metal as.

  • Waynecro

    I have very little doubt that someone somewhere has incorporated design elements from this shirt into his or her sweet tats.

    • more beer

      You know they are back together and working on new material?

      • I did not know this. Thanks for the info! I’ve been on a huge Hellhammer/Frost clone band kick this week.

        • more beer

          No problem.

  • Guppusmaximus

    “This shirt gets its news from BroBible.”

    For fucks sake, you could’ve provided a link. I had to highlight, right-click & choose to ‘Search Google’ for it. *ugh*

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Basically, it’s The Chive without the charities and a whole lot more meatheaded-ness, which is saying a lot.

      • Guppusmaximus

        Right up my alley.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    ………………..

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    This remains one of my favorite series on the ToH. Lost it at: “This shirt touches bras in depertment stores.” Hahaha
    I also have an old Shadows Fall tee buried in the back of my closet somewhere. Pretty generic, just a logo on the front and on the back it says “The Art of Balance” suprimposed over that weird socket-wrench image from the album’s artwork. Lame.