Shirt Stains: Ride In Blood

Cycle Illusion.

Slayer has been creeping into the KISS/Misfits merch territory for some time now. Beyond the usual shirts, hats, banners, and the like, Slayer now sells swimming trunks, backpacks, leggings, and freaking rolling paper. We’ll get to all of those some day, I promise. Those are all deserving of our ridicule and scorn. Despite to specificity and overall ridiculousness of some of those products, they’re all relatively affordable. I may not personally want a Slayer skate deck, but it’s only $49.00. That’s not terribly expensive for a non-traditional piece of merchandise. It may seem silly to me, but it is fairly priced. Someone can use it for real or display it on their wall. The same can’t be said for the official Slayer bicycle currently being sold through Nuclear Blast’s website.

slayer-bike

slayerbikeupclose

$749.99 for a Slayer bicycle. I’ll repeat that for those of you who just went cross-eyed, passed out, smashed your head on a table, and just woke up. $749.99 for a Slayer bicycle. Is it made of platinum? Is Kerry King’s beard hairs infused into the handlebars to give you a better grip? Did Tom Araya splash his ball sweat onto every seat? Did Gary Holy do the toxic waltz with it? I’m far from a bike expert, but $749.99 seems like a really high price. By being one penny off from $750.00 are we supposed to feel like we’re getting a good deal? Are we supposed to believe there’s a skeevy salesman at Nuclear Blast wearing a cheap suit saying “Look, at this price it’s a steal! I’m practically giving it away! A little old lady used to ride this bike to church on Sundays. Because I like you, I’ll give you the special clearance price and give the the undercoating for only $49.99!”

Don’t worry, though. If you can’t shell out over seven hundred dollars for a bike that barely advertises the band it’s promoting, you can just pay in Nukes. What are “nukes” you ask? Nukes are the points one can accrue from buying things off of the Nuclear Blast webstore. Spend a dollar, get X amount of Nukes and then use all those Nukes to buy something else. You achieve “Gold” status when you reach 30,000 Nukes. So how many Nukes does it take to buy the Slayer bicycle? 299996! That’s like “Quintuple Diamond” status. The best part is that buying the bike only gives you 6,000 Nukes. It’s like how they say a car loses values as soon as you drive it off the lot.

Why is this bike so expensive? I checked out the Huffy website because I was curious if bikes had sudden;y replaced currency in certain Third World nations and were all expensive as hell. Nope. All moderately priced and nowhere near the asking price for the Slayer bike. Maybe the description will give us some clues:

SLAYER Urban Terrain Bike The Slayer 700 is a speed machine built with shortcuts in mind! If you need to get around town in a hurry this is the bike for you. It is built for speed with a BMX soul. The Urban Terrain Bike will handle hopping curbs and cutting through alleys all day.

Nope. No help here. They want us to ride a bike that costs multiple nights in a good hotel through dank, piss-soaked and syringe-filled alleys. There’s no tassels on this bike. The wheel spokes don’t even form the Jagermeister symbol. Blood doesn’t spurt out of the seat in hilarious/mind-scarring fashion. It doesn’t automatically explode if you play Sum 41’sWhat We’re All About”. We don’t even get a basket which is a real shame because I would love to see Tom Araya riding this bike with Kerry King in the basket E.T.-style. Or maybe the entire band riding a big tandem bike together. That’s worth at least a few thousand Nukes to see happen.

Written by:

Published on: November 3, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 934

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Such a shame to see good bands get old and feel it necessary to brand.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      That’s why I always like to remember bands the way they were like at their peak.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XGUF-yHKW0

      R.I.P. Slayer
      (1983 – 1990)

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
      • Hey man, c’mon.

        Decade of Aggression didn’t come out until 1991.

        • Freedom Jew

          Doesn’t count. It was like a live postmortem.

      • NDG

        I had the pleasure of listening in on two dudes in their late twenties discussing Slayer yesterday. One was arguing they are now so formulaic they have pretty much sold out and his mate countered by saying that “when you’re that old every album can’t be a banger” and because they’re Slayer they can’t sell out.

        I chimed in and gave my opinion, which is pretty much Frank’s opinion and also mentioned the amount of merch they peddle.

        The best thing about modern Slayer is Gary Holt.

  • Pierre Generic

    Kerry has learned from Gene Simmons well.

  • Joaquin Stick

    What’s the conversion rate from Nukes to Schrute Bucks?
    (Waits for Office hater downvotes.)

    http://www.technologytell.com/entertainment/files/2014/03/schrutebucks.jpg

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      The Office fucking ruled.

    • Jack Rabbit

      Since Creed flooded the market, I believe Schrute Bucks are worthless

      • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

        They play this show on the TV at Old Navy all the time. I hate the show but I do like that they got the real Creed Bratton to play Creed on the show. He was in The Grass Roots.

    • The Office (US) being bad is news to me.

      • Joaquin Stick

        It was being shit talked on this very blog not 24 hours ago.

        • GL

          LETS BURN THE HERETIC.

        • I guess some posers out there just need to get squashed.

      • Sir Crawfish The Based

        Well now you know better.

        • I will flay and devour you, invertebrate.

          • Sir Crawfish The Based

            I’ll give you the worst shits of you entire life.

          • That will suck but it’ll be okay because my opinion will be the only one left.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
    • tertius_decimus

      Rad bike, dude!

    • Óðinn

      Sweet.

    • Óðinn

      I have several bikes, but the one I choose to ride the most is my Salsa La Cruz. The double-butted steel frame just makes for a great ride. This isn’t mine, but just for reference…

      http://urbanvelo.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/creekbike.jpg

      • tertius_decimus

        Do you do cyclocross?

        • Óðinn

          No. I could with the La Cruz being a CX bike. I’ve thought about it.

          I find it’s a great bike for both the road and light trails. I like the higher BB, and I also like the disc brakes for when it rains too.

          • tertius_decimus

            Nice. Quite an opposite to what I stick to. My preferences are: short wheelbase, extremely low BB (80 mm) and rim brakes.

          • Óðinn

            Haha. That is opposite. I like rim brakes for dry weather. No question, the stopping power is great. It’s just that I ride in the rain quite a bit.

          • tertius_decimus
          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            The return of your photos! Always nice to see your work.

          • tertius_decimus
          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Yes!!

          • Eliza

            What a beautiful landscape.

          • tertius_decimus

            It’s, actually, approximately 30 km near Chernobyl.

          • Eliza

            Oh, that’s interesting to know. It doesn’t seem like it’s that close to such a place.

          • tertius_decimus

            100 km dead from Kyiv to Exclusion Zone’s border. It’s mystical place to many and the tourism is quite developed there, but since my childhood days were spent on so many abandoned buildings, I’m no tourist to such a place any more. Devastation doesn’t inspire me and I don’t get why so many people would like to see the apocalypse. We see it in Ukraine every day. Nothing to look at, to be honest.

            We weren’t allowed to enter there anyway and I don’t like the idea of hiding from security like a chicken.

          • Eliza

            And I thought growing up near a hospital was kind of shitty. And, yeah, while I do get why someone would be attracted to a desolate sight, actually going there in person would be too much for me. Thinking of the many lives that were lost .

          • GL

            that is a nice looking butt.

          • TERTIUUUUUUS <3

          • tertius_decimus

            LINK LEONHART I!

          • Joaquin Stick

            Do you ever take it off any sweet jumps?

          • Óðinn
      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        I’d like to get a decent bike

        • tertius_decimus

          Check your local cragislist. I’m sure there’s plenty of nice bikes to choose from.

      • GL

        I gots one of these for my Ironman’s. Its reeel noice. It is black and red though.
        http://bikewar.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/fuji-norcom-straight-tt-bike-2013-blue.jpg

        • tertius_decimus

          WARNING!

          TRIATHLETE PROXIMITY ALERT!

          WARNING!

        • Óðinn

          Expensive.

          • year end close out, and a 63cm frame (maybe 61cm?), $1750 out the door.

          • Óðinn

            Really? Not as expensive as I thought. Tall rider, close out special. Well done.

        • Howard Dean

          Here’s my ride. It’s real nice. Got it at Target. It’s on sale.

          https://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NzY4WDEwMjQ=/z/WoQAAOSwoydWrdef/$_86.JPG

          • Waynecro

            I got a bike at Target once. It was a wonky piece of shit. I crashed it into a parked boat and cut my hand on the boat-motor propeller.

          • I blame the boat for that one

          • Waynecro

            The steering on that bike would go all wonky whenever I shifted gears. My brother had the same bike and crashed it too. CONSPIRACY!

    • Sir Crawfish The Based

      I’ll stick with my random old bike that still works even though it probably shouldn’t.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        That sounds lovely.

        • Sir Crawfish The Based

          It works. That’s all I need.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            That’s all you can ask for.

      • Eliza

        I still have the bike I learned how to ride bike with.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I got a $50.00 bike from Kmart

    • Dumpster Lung ᴰᵃᵐᵃᵍᵉ_ᴵⁿᶜ⁸⁹

      Haha wow, I thought you were kidding. That’s even more random than the Slayer one (because as dumb as the Slayer one is, it doesn’t really surprise me all that much).

  • Jack Rabbit
  • tertius_decimus
    • GL

      You gotta be the one with the bicycle, right??

      • tertius_decimus

        Yep.

        • GL

          I knew it was the obvious choice!

          • tertius_decimus

            Such an unexpected plot twist!

        • Are you wearing a helmet?

          • tertius_decimus

            No. Yet another plot twist.

          • The plot chickens

          • tertius_decimus

            The plot tacoes.

          • HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
            WTF THAT IS AWESOME>>>>>>>>>>

            You have made my day sir. !

    • Eliza

      It must’ve been a fun day, biking with friends. I did that once. It was cool.

      • tertius_decimus

        In all fairness, no. I prefer riding alone, since I’m misanthropic brevet-head (rides over 200 km at once aren’t nothing special for me). That day I was 30 minutes late, and still was able to catch up the group and then kick everyone in da ass. And then still had enough energy to join another ride later that day.

        • Eliza

          If I’m riding a bike with someone else, I always have the feeling I’ll crash into them.

          • tertius_decimus

            Lack of confidence. Confidence comes with practice. Just ride more. 🙂

          • Abradolf Lincler

            she could just get a tandem bike

          • Eliza

            I don’t think I would like a tandem bike, simply because I usually don’t like sharing.

          • tertius_decimus

            Stocker on a tandem also doesn’t see anything behind his/her captain.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            buttttttttshe couldnt crash into em

          • Eliza

            Lol, I didn’t think of that. That would suck.

          • Eliza

            I only make a face like that on the inside. I don’t like when I have to use one object with another person at the same time.

          • Eliza

            Now that I have my own bike, I probably will. When it’s not cold outside anymore.

          • Oh it’s not that hard, just wear bright clothing and yell BACK OFF, ASSHOLE whenever someone gets too close, even if you’re at fault

  • Just you wait, we’ll see a Burger King t-shirt.

  • Eliza

    I’ll be surprised if someone isn’t stupid enough to buy this. Never underestimate an idiot who listens to Slayer.

  • Bike Stains.

  • atchdav

    Rammstein also have a branded bike. Apparently it is a ‘limited edition’ which for some reason warrants a $1800 USD price tag.

    https://youtu.be/WnCYav7r4Ik

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/33847ce398e4bd332490563402bb22effed76e0f959464f21d3885d9cb79f2b0.png

    • Eliza

      That is a lot of money.

    • tertius_decimus

      No way in the life of the Universe I would pay $1800 for piece of crap aluminum bike.

      • GL

        I mean, aluminum is good enough to hold beer. Why would it not be good enough to hold my butt?

        Problem solved, friend.

        • tertius_decimus

          1. Unforgivable ride.

          2. Fatigues too quickly at welds and joints.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Yeah, but beer…

          • tertius_decimus

            You won.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            No, GL won

          • GL-won sounds like a dope Jedi name. tahnks!

          • tertius_decimus

            But your argument was the last nail in the coffin.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            How about we all meet up at the pub later and declare ourselves all winners.

          • tertius_decimus

            That would be the proper comedy.

          • You can make it in time, right tert?

          • tertius_decimus

            Probably. The only question is the distance. Too far away from every of you, except Eliza.

          • more beer

            Not if he is drinking beer out of an aluminum can.

          • more beer

            Upvote for beer.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            upvote for more beer!

          • GL

            ICE COLD BEER REPAIRS CRACKED WELDS.

          • It’s true, I heard it on Discovery once.

          • Count_Breznak

            1. Good. The work should be going into moving the bike, not flexing the frame.
            2. Bullshit.

          • I would argue that the amount of energy lost to frame flex has to be almost completely negligible . The whole discussion is a reason for carbon bike manufacturers to push more expensive bike to wealthy people. My 2 cents.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            BOOOOOOOO

          • *frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*

          • Abradolf Lincler

            People who ride bikes don’t even be flexin

          • Count_Breznak

            It can be very noticable, and frustrating, especially when you start to feel your own fatigue in the later rounds.
            Carbon fibre frames are constructed in a completely different manner (the “real” monocoque ones at least, other solutions don’t really have any redeeming qualities). Carbon fibres can only take tensile load, but a whole lot of it, and are pretty much worthless vs shearing forces, so you have to design arround that. This is done by using multiple woven layers and arranging them to take most forces as tensile..in the end it is always a compromise. But you can also use that to give the frame different behaviour for different axes, e.g. make the chainstays flexible up/down, but stiff left/right.
            Then there is the matter of bearings and clamps, stone chip,…

          • I completely understand. About a third of my work load is composite testing, lay-ups, manufacturing, etc.

            I guess what I was really eluding to was the marketing for carbon bikes being more towards those who can afford them and definitely athletes who need to squeeze a couple seconds out per race. Otherwise, I just think the carbon bikes aren’t worth the 2-3x price increase.

          • Count_Breznak

            Yeah pretty much. Ice cream parlor cruisers and sponsored racers.

          • tertius_decimus

            1. Bicycle quarterly thinks differently. I cosign.
            2. No.

          • Count_Breznak

            1. I guess that’s a magazine ? And I and the STW-ratio disagree.
            2. Yes, unless there was a flaw from the start or the design is shoddy (Cannondale’s “wishbone stay” was (is?) pretty much a predetermined breaking point…) you will mostly likely give in before the frame does. I broke a couple of frames (stopped doing trial, got to expensive), but the one in my current bike is legally allowed to drink.

        • Eliza

          10/10 logic.

        • more beer

          No only brown bottles should hold beer.

          • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

            & SOMETIMES GREEN BOTTLE!!!!!!!!!!

          • more beer

            Brown is best. As it allows the least light thru the glass. Light is bad for beer and makes it go bad faster.

          • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

            BECKS & PERONIS ARE A GOOD!!!!!! MAYBE FORGETTING OTHER GOOD ONES!!!!!!

          • more beer

            Those are a little lite for my tastes. I prefer dark beers and stouts.

    • Fuuuuuck that shit.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    Kerry King probably doesnt even know how to ride a bike.

  • Kerry “MadBiker” King! Thrashing the road while trashing the art of soloing!

    http://memecrunch.com/meme/KG2V/kerry-king/image.jpg

    • tertius_decimus

      I don’t always play a solo.

      But when I do, I get paid $4,99 for every artificial flageolet I play.

      • “I don’t always play a solo.

        But when I do, I destroy those mo’fo pentatonics” (Self-taught guitar player, 1985).

        • “I don’t always play a solo.

          But when I do, I submit a video to Instagram of me while gently making love and sadistic sex to my guitar” (IAmNotTomHess69, 2006).

          (This was a joke to Randall Thor, who clearly loves Tom Hess in Rhapsody of Fire).

          • tertius_decimus

            Reposted Link Leonhart?

  • Waynecro

    Why would anyone spend that much on a doofy branded bike when they could just slap a $3.50 Slayer sticker on any old bike and get essentially the same effect? Plus, the Nukes! currency is horseshit. I had a bunch of Nukes! saved up, and I was going to use them to buy a shirt; however, they expire after one year, so I was Nukes! broke by the time a shirt I wanted came out. How the actual fuck would anyone accrue almost 300,000 Nukes! in less than one year?

  • Freedom Jew
    • tertius_decimus

      LIKE A BOSS!

      • THE ROSS

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          MY MAN!

  • It’s made by Surly, who rarely sell bikes below $2,000. So other than the fact that you have to be a rolling Slayer billboard, its actually a pretty fair price haha!