Shirt Stains: Open Wide For Some Footbawl!


“Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hike!” – Tecmo Bowl

Are you ready for some bone-breaking, brain scrambling, money-draining-from-the-local-government action? Pro Football is back, baby! Here comes another season of the NFL with their history of spouse abusers, child abusers, animal abusers, teammate stabbers, sex offenderssexual assaulters, accused rapists, convicted serial rapistsaccused murderers, convicted murderers and that’s just the players. The owners are pill-popping, Trumploving, bullying, pervy, scumbags that would destroy entire cities just to get a shiny new stadium that, in some cases, are already falling apart. Also, the owner of the Raiders looks like this. All this and I’ll probably still watch every week. I’m part of the problem. Fuck.

But, who cares, right? It’s all about drinkin’ some beers and watching some fuggin’ footbaw! Early onset-dementia is nothing compared to the excitement of another 3-and-out. What high school needs new textbooks and better paid teachers when you can have a $70 million dollar stadium? Clearly, the biggest problem in the NFL is someone voicing their opinion on important social matters. Can’t let that happen! Nobody sign him! damn are these football jerseys comfortable! Might as well slap a band logo on it and make some cash, right guys?


Awww. I miss Static-X. They’re one of the few bands that I really liked from the nu-metal era that I never got a chance to see. I suppose the best I can do now is get this charming little Static-X football jersey. The demon skull that looks like Wayne Static is fun as long as you don’t think about it too long and get kind of sad like I am right now. This jersey looks like it belongs in the XFL for a team called something like the “Wisconsin Morbids” or the “Tuscaloosa Skullz”. Former bassist Tony Campos wore a Los Angeles Xtreme jersey in the band’s video for the song This Is Not, so I don’t think I’m too far off. It looks like there’s an off-center X behind the skull, but the jersey is actually really thin and the back is just peeking through.

You can’t have “X” as your number, though I’m sure if we got a second season of the XFL, we would have gotten all sorts of symbols and squiggly lines. I can practically hear Vince McMahon barking “More X’s, more Z’s, goddammit!” We could’ve had Static-X playing on the sidelines during games like Slipknot in Rollerball. Ah, what could have been.

I can’t help but picture Slipknot playing a game of touch football. It’s delightful to think of them in their old, bright orange jumpsuits mapping out slant routes and Statue of Liberty plays. After every touchdown, someone screams “(sic)!” Clown being unable to catch the football, so he just blocks and tries to tickle whoever he’s up againt. Sid Wilson jumping off homemade goalposts. Can we please get a metalhead philanthropist to put on a charity game with these guys? It would sell out in minutes.

Oh, yeah. The jersey. It’s really shiny. It looks like it would be better suited for a nail polish or Louisville’s insane new chrome helmets. The little copyright information under the band’s name is really funny to me for some reason. Probably because it looks stupid.

You just had to be different, didn’t you Slipknot? You had to mix the numbers and name awkwardly in the middle. What a missed opportunity to put “Maggot” on the name plate. Or maybe some sort of “Wait and Bleed” pun. Go to your room, Clown. No more Madden ’17 for you.

Another band I miss, but at least I got to see them live once. It was at a large indoor sports complex in Elizabeth, New Jersey called Rexplex. The last American Hellfest was held there as well. Mudvayne played on a roller hockey rink. I’m not kidding. Whoever put on the show wisely put up a bunch of black curtains to make it feel more like a venue, but we were still surrounded by plexiglass, boards, and face-off circles.

ReMeMbEr WhEn PeOpLe TyPeD lIkE tHiS? God, that sucked. Thankfully that died with AIM, but because everything is cyclical and all ideas are dead, we’re due for a comeback. The reason why there’s a giant piece of paper with “L” on it is because I pulled this from a Facebook group where people sell and trade nu metal shirts. You should join it immediately.

Yes, the good old days where bands gave silly nicknames to their fans. Do bands still do that? They should. It’s silly. I recall Mudvayne referred to their fans as “Oxygen Wasters” hence “Waster” on the back. That’s better than putting “Poop Loser” on the back. I’m not sure why they went with the “this looks old and crappy” font combined with the silver and blue colors. This just makes it look cold and icy. Looks like playing on that hockey rink really affected Mudvayne.

Of course there’s a Slayer football jersey. Kerry King has been wearing the same damn football jersey for at least 20 years now. I wonder if it’s grafted onto his skin like when those 800lb people can’t get off the couch for months. Ugh, I just grossed myself out big time. Now I’m thinking of Kerry sitting on a nasty couch from the 70s, watching Monday Night Football in his skivvies while drinking a King Cobra and calling everyone on the field a pussy.

The band’s flair for Nazi-lite imagery is in full effect on the front of the shirt. Always hated that stupid skull and S-bolt logo. The back has ‘Disciple’, but the number is 81. That’s some mixed messaging. Why not have the year Disciple came out or reference a song wrote in ’81? Obviously, I’m putting more thought into this than the band did. At least the numbers aren’t in that stupid bleeding font. Praise Jeebus for the small things in life.

I remember a time when bands like Korn were all anti-jock. I guess the further you get from high school shitheads, the better. For whatever reason, this Korn jersey is in Chicago Bears colors. You’ll note that Korn is not from Chicago. Not even close. Maybe they’re just big fans of brats, Italian beef, and government corruption. Maybe Jonathan Davis’s gorilla noises speak to the beer-belching, tomato pie-eating citizens of the NFC Central. Oooh-nom-a-neema-fuck-the-Packers-nom-a-numma!

Hey, now that’s interesting. Maybe Korn is acknowledging that they’re now embrassing the culture they once despised. Good for them! I respect the self-awareness and ackno…oh, wait, they just have a song called Hypocrites. Shucks. Well, if they’re going to just put a song title on the name plate, why not Ass Itch? That would REALLY speak to the fans of Chicago and the surrounding flyover states.

As a bonus, here’s a 20 minute compilation of aggro’d out, mostly drunk, dumbass football fans fighting/assaulting each other. It’s like a Family Values tour pit without the dignity or knowledge of how to throw a punch.

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  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I have a friend(and I use that endearment very loosely) who insists on wearing this stain out, every single time we meet up with him in Boston for fun times. He wonders why he’s 40 and hasn’t had a girlfriend since college.

  • Howard Dean

    I played football for many years, but to be honest football jerseys are fucking dumb–both the cheesy ass nu metal variety as well as the actual NFL/college player jerseys. Anyone over the age of 10 who casually wears a football jersey on a semi-regular or regular basis is a chode.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Jersey wearing chode here, reporting for duty

      (I don’t wear band jerseys, though; only official NFL jerseys)




  • Hans

    I had one of those Slipknot jerseys… and even then the back print bothered me. Plus I looked like a coat hanger wearing it.

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    WhY, oH wHy DiD yOu ReMiNd Me ThAt PeOpLe USeD tO tYpE LiKe tHiS, 3six5???

    (that sentence actually took quite a long time to type, alternating between upper and lower case is stupid as fuck)

  • Howard Dean

    Whoa, I just watched a few minutes of that linked football fan fight video for shits and giggles. At about 2 minutes in there’s this tailgating fight between Dallas and San Diego fans where two dudes get beer bottles smashed across their faces. Brutal.

    (Here it is skipped to the point of smash so you don’t have to wade through the bullshit)

  • Kyle Reese

    Remember the good ole days of hockey? When it was just a giant circle pit? I would go to skating rinks if they blasted metal and everyone was trying to kill each other. I’d film it and post it to youtube. ‘Cause I ain’t no sucka!