Shirt Stains: Oh NOpeth

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Hope definitely leaves.

It’s undeniable that Opeth’s sound has changed over the years. Many bands who have been around for as long as Opeth have go through the same thing. Some tend to hone in on and focus their preferred sound while others do whatever it is In Flames is doing right now. Opeth were never shy about delving into their proggier side. It wasn’t uncommon for a ripping death metal track to suddenly break in the middle to give way to acoustic guitar noodling or softer musical explorations. That was almost always part of their songs and what made Opeth Opeth. Heck, my favorite album of theirs is Damnation and that’s a soft-sounding album from front to back. Windowpane is a top 10 jam for me.

In recent years, though, the band has focused more on the prog and less on the metal. They’re doing what they want and I fully commend them. Sadly, it’s just not for me. Every time they release a new song or album, I get my hopes up that we’re going to get something like Blackwater Park or Deliverance and every time I am disappointed. There’s only so many times you can keep holding out hope, right? They’ve gone full prog and that’s all there is to it. Interestingly, so has their merch. Sure, there’s still t-shirts and hoodies, but they also sell some other merch that might be best described as “Dad-gressive”.

 

 

Helllllllooooooooo, ladies! Need a mature man to take you out to a reasonably-priced meal after dropping the kids off at karate and flute practice? If you find a guy wearing this little number, then you’re in luck. It’s the shirt perfect for going square-dancing, forced double dates, and karaoke with the co-workers. If you’re feeling adventurous, your man can wear this to the roadie where everyone will be jealous of your rhinestone cowboy! The shirt comes pre-wrinkled and extra lumpy so it feels like you’re hugging a living sack of potatoes. Does your guy like tooling around outside? Then he’ll love this special Watershed writing on the back. Sure, it looks like it actually says “Blatersheo” but he won’t see it and it’ll be our little secret ;).

 

Still want to rep Opeth but it’s the weekend and you need to make a quick run to Home Depot to get some nails so you can finally put up those damn wedding pictures? You’re covered, Dadbro. Just slide on your favorite red Yankees hat (backwards, naturally), roll up the sleeve on your No Fear shirt to show off your barbed-wired tattoo, and toss on your New Balances and you’re good to go. Maybe if there’s time you can go to Golf Town and ogle some putters.

Do you need a pair of band-related cargo shorts? No. Do you want a pair of band-related cargo shorts? Really? You do? Huh. Okay, then. Well, it’s good you have all that extra pocket space since you need something to hold your totally sweet and not at all ridiculous Opeth wallet.

 

 

That’s right, an Opeth wallet. Need to adult, but not too hard? Opeth wallet is for you. It comes with slots for your cash, credit and debit cards, and three pictures. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come with a slot to hold your dignity. The Opeth wallet serves as the perfect reminder that you wasted your money every time you need to pay for something. Wallets tend to wear out over time so that Opeth logo won’t stick around for too long. Maybe there’s a secret message underneath like when you stick The Atlas Moth‘s album art in water. Hopefully it would be this picture. Hey, you’ve got a whole other cargo pocket to use. What should you put in it?

How about an official Opeth tin? Yeah, I don’t know either. Maybe you can put some mints in it or something.

 

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