You probably should have known.
A few members from the Toilet Ov Hell staff have had babies over the past year. You know what that means? They like to fuck. It also means they have more responsibilities now. Feeding, bathing, changing, burping, taking pictures to post on Facebook to prove to your ex from high school that you did amount to something. They now have the responsibility to make their child hate the things that they hate and like the things that they like. And what better way to do that than by having your baby wear band merch onesies? Now complete strangers can know that you have a cool record collection! You have to focus on the important things in life.
Pantera – Crawl on home, boy
This onesie has all the cleverness of someone yelling “White Power!” and then trying to play it off like it was a joke about drinking white wine. See if you can follow this brain buster: The Pantera song is called “Walk” but babies can’t walk yet so, get this, they replaced the lyric “walk” with, wait for it…. “crawl.” HAHAHHA OH FUCK THAT’S AMAZING! Everyone is allowed to go home early today because Pantera absolutely killed it on this one.
I’m sure this was created by some marketing firm and not the members of Pantera, but I’d love to think that Vinnie Paul, Phil Anselmo, and Rex Brown were sitting around a conference table, SWOTing out ideas for their baby clothing line. Questions like “Can we put a Confederate flag on it?” “Where do we put the Hellyeah logo?” and “Only white people will buy this, right?” would be the norm. Followed by many black tooth grin shots and side projects no one cares about.
Misfits – Don’t Cry To Me Oh Baby
Well, I’ve got something to say. I dressed my baby today and it doesn’t matter much to me as long as The Misfits get paid. Sweet lovely paycheck, I am waiting for you to clear. Come sweet cash, one last cash-in. It’s well-established that the Misfits put their name and logos on just about anything. That’s fine. Make fat stacks while you still can. They should probably be a little bit more selective on what art gets printed on certain products.
Babies love skeletons, right? What about booze? Marilyn Monroe? They’re getting all three for some reason. Not enough for you, punk rock parent? Enjoy some terrible word-play that would make the Pantera think-tank shave their facial hair into ridiculous patterns. It’s probably all just to soften the blow of the lyrics from one of the band’s most popular songs “Last Caress” which includes “I killed your baby today And it doesn’t matter much to me As long as it’s dead” and this winner “I raped your mother today And it doesn’t matter much to me As long as she spread.” Get Junior ready for his college football career with this onesie.
KISS – We know our fans
Congratulations, little Brayson. The only thing you will ever achieve in life is lifting amps for washed-up shitclowns and coffee spokesmen. Don’t learn an instrument, don’t study music theory, don’t do what you love. The future has nothing for you. Just learn where Gene Simmons likes his pedals and maybe where to find a place to score some uppers to keep you going until you make it to the next town.
I can only pray that they never make a “Future KISS Groupie” onesie for baby girls.
System Of A Down – You’ve been making this joke for years
People are going to read this too fast and judge you harshly. Then you’re going to remember they have songs like “Bounce” and “Violent Pornography” and “Vicinity Of Obscenity” and you will judge yourself harshly.
Dead Kennedys – Clothe The Poor
Nothing is more punk rock than Dead Kennedys baby clothing that can be easily purchased online via your credit card. Mom and dad went on a holiday in Cambodia and came back with a gift for Bella or Miley or whatever female character is popular on TV name people are using this week. Jello Biafra still rails about consumerism, commercialism, and just about any other -ism that still exists, and now your child can stick it to the man too. People are going to eat that shit up on Tumblr, man. Are we not far away from a Kidz Pop version of Bedtime For Democracy?
Can’t find one online? Don’t worry. It’s probably coming to a Walmart near you soon. You can promote your baby’s rebellion while buying snow tires, a family-size bag of Herr’s Creamy Dill Pickle chips, and 5 copies of the Entourage movie.
Sex Pistols – Wow
If you make your kid wear this, you’ll end up on all the offender registries and lists.
To all the mothers and fathers out there, I say Mazel Tov and best of luck getting them to like the things you like and hate the things you hate.