Shirt Stains: No Es Bueno

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What’s Spanish for “These shirts are hilariously terrible”?

Despite what a sadly large portion of the United States may think, Spain and Mexico are two separate countries. Sure, there’s a shared love of futbol and heavy metal, but they’re still different. For one, I won’t get my face stitched to a soccer ball if I make fun of Spain. Of course, there’s a Spanish town named Castrillo Matajudios, so I don’t know how welcome I would be there, either. As ignorant Americans, let’s just fire up our SUVs, enjoy our family-size bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos, crack open some bubble-gum flavored soda endorsed by a professional wrestler, and make fun of some terrible Spanish band shirts. Perhaps this will cheer up the youth of Spain with their massive unemployment problems.

A lot of these bands are new to me and I would bet to you as well. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover something you like.

 

Mägo De Oz – Red, Purple, and What the Hell All Over

MagodeOzshirtstains

Mägo de Oz is a Spanish folk metal band that is really heavy into the fiddly diddlies. Flutes, stringed instruments, and awkward dancing are all part of the act. Their video for “La Rosa De Los Vientos” may be my new favorite thing. With music and imagery like this, some cheesiness is to be expected. I knew it was going to be bad, I just didn’t know it was going to be this bad.

What is happening in this shirt? Actually, a better question would be “what isn’t in this shirt?” It’s like a bunch of mythological creatures got together for an all-night sex cauldron. You know all about sex cauldrons right? A little bit of spell-casting, some nightshade drinking, and before you know it, you’ve got a succubus sitting on your face, a 1,000-year old witch grinding against your knee, and a Pazuzu jacking it in the corner. Happens all the time.

A quick glance of this shirt (seriously, only a glance is recommended) and we have a sexy witch, a crusty crone witch, a baby devil, a skull, a pumpkin, a spider, a leprechaun, and a dapper owl. Why? Why not! It’s sex cauldron! Anything goes, baby! Especially if it’s purple, red, or fire font that’s really hard to read. Make sure to use protection when going to the sex cauldron. That includes wearing this shirt.

 

Dark Moor – From the Pages of Your 8th Grade Math Notebook Doodles

darkmoorshirtstains

Dark Moor is symphonic power metal band from Madrid. Definitely for the Nightwish crowd, especially when you look at this shirt. This is Metal Fantasy Babe 101: little clothes, plenty of cleavage, and magic powers. She totally wants to talk to you about your level 40 mage and would love to see your bug collection. Nothing gets her hotter than a 32-year old coder than spent his last paycheck on a gaming chair and VIP meet-and-greet tickets for the local comic con.

While the imagery is certainly wish fulfillment, it’s also kind of incomplete. It’s like Dark Moor was going for romance novel cover, but ran out of money to pay the artist and just had to use whatever he had done. Is she standing on a mountain or just clouds? Is it night or day? How much does she regret those tattoos? These are things that will keep you up at night.

 

Diabulus in Musica – Why Do Yvo Type Like This?

diabvlvsinmvsicashirtstains

Yes, it’s another symphonic metal band, but I’ve actually heard of them before. Despite what the shirt says, the band is actually Diabulus in Music and they’re on Napalm Records (and previously on Metal Blade). For a band so epic and dramatic, they sure went in the opposite direction for this shirt.

I guess I should be thankfully they didn’t take a page from the Mago de Oz playbook of “fuck it, put everything on it, use lots of purple and red, and call it a day”. Instead, Diabulus went with the soothing colors of various bowel movements. We’ve got “too much Bdubs, bro” to “why did I think sushi from a gas station was a good idea?” to “following microwave directions is for pussies”. This shirt has a case of the Mondays real bad.

The sad tree and crows deal is more appropriate for doom or depressive black metal, not operatic overtures about hope and junk. It doesn’t fit with the band and it just doesn’t look good. Oh, and there’s no wandering to be found. Damn it, Diabulus, you could’ve had a sex cauldron too.

Angeles del Infierno – Call 1-800-666-Butt for Sexy Devil Chat Now!

ANGELES DEL INFIERNOshirtstains

Angeles del Infierno is a heavy metal band that would fit in well with the likes of The Scorpions and Kiss. They were actually on Warner Bros. Records. Twice. Good for them. It’s a shame they couldn’t get a shirt design from anywhere other than Deviantart.

I know it’s every boy’s dream to meet a big-tittied devil-woman, but a t-shirt isn’t the right place. You need to find one on your own, like at the grocer or maybe at a Church of Satan bake sale and silent auction. You know, someone you can settle down with, raise some demigods. Not this one, who sits on skulls and wears shoes only found at Hot Topics from 2001. Also, this one covers up her hoo-ha with a guitar and has man hands.

The swirling pentagram symbols really hammer home the devil imagery. I mean, I couldn’t make the connection before. It’s a good thing they put those all over the shirt but not on the sleeves. Wouldn’t want to look stupid or anything.

Zarpa – Por Que?!?

zarpashirtstains

Zarpa is a heavy metal band hailing from Mislata, Valencia. Fans of Accept would probably dig them. Fans of hideous shirts would also enjoy them.

I put this shirt into Google Translate and all I got was the shrugging emoticon. I put this shirt into Bing and Bill Gates personally called me to say thanks for using Bing. I put this shirt into Yahoo and my computer just started laughing at me. I wanted to Ask Jeeves why this shirt has no color, but all I got was his suicide note.

That jester warrior (Really? Okay whatever) is totally psyched. Just look at his face. That’s not just a smile, that’s an “oh fuck yeah!” smile. Maybe his horde of merry jester warriors are headed towards Great Adventure or Dorney Park. After a long day of pillaging and plundering, a fun ride on the Log Flume is just what the doctor ordered. Perhaps they’re going to be BDubs.

Either that or he just remembered a joke from Big Bang Theory and can’t tell anyone because he doesn’t want to admit that he watches the show. Maybe he can just whisper it to his little pet skull he’s carrying. I wonder if he named the skull. Looks like a “Chester” to me. I’ll bet they do an awesome ventriloquist act. “Chester and the Jester” starting this fall on NBC.

So there was a little international taste via Shirt Stains. Not the best way to introduce people to bands, but there you have it. Maybe some of our Spanish readers can explain some of the finer points of giggling skull jesters, devil babes, and, uh, trees. Oh and don’t forget about the sex cauldrons. We’ll need names, addresses, and lots of pictures.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    These are shitty shirts.

  • VVayne Brady

    There’s no way I could have drawn that Dark Moor lady in my 8th grade notes.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    That devil angle looks like she is trying to smuggle some skulls, but is having trouble with the fit.

  • So
    what you’re SAYING is
    sex cauldrons get you enough GBP for Facey Placey?

    • VVayne Brady

      This is never going to go away, is it?

      • EsusMoose

        Never

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        We’ll never let it die.

      • Dagon

        Nope

      • A thousand years of rain won’t wash the stain off our souls.

        • VVayne Brady

          To be fair, I do bring it up frequently.

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            What you mean bduAGGHGHAAHGHAAGHAHERRGGHH

            *Greetings from the personal, uncompromised account of Mr. Steele, I will unfortunately no longer be apart of the Disqus community for personal reasons of health and family problems. Please note that I am still alive and well and there is absolutely no reason to go investigating some ridiculous and clearly fabricated reports of a mysterious disappearance as that is stupid and clearly fake. Thank you for your time*

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          No amount of atonement for our sins will make this go away. It has become a part of us, a terrible yet beautiful gift from the Lords of the Internet.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Just like that restaurant that you love that we can’t mention any more?

          • more beer

            That`s hardly a restaurant.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Exactly.

        • old_man_doom

          Great fucking song BTW

      • Dagon

        How was the couch that night?

        • VVayne Brady

          Cozy

          • Dagon

            They are always welcoming when you get scolded by yer old lady.

      • The God Emperor of Mankind

        Blowy Joeys to the first one who can.

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    Took me a long time to realize that Magö De Oz thingy was actually the shirt print.

    A good band whose best songs seem to be ruined by bad vocals and good vocalist don’t seem to get the greateat songs.

  • VVayne Brady

    I actually don’t think the Zarpa one is that bad. I wouldn’t wear it beneath my sweater, but it isn’t nearly as bad as these other ones.

    • EsusMoose

      Probably the most wearable shirt I’ve seen on these. It’s Renaissance festival attire if anything else

    • I liked the Diabvlvs in Mvsica because trees. .w.)

  • Dagon

    Face sitting Succubi sounds like a nightmare and a dream combined.

    • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

      Not sure if the girls or the music but i got a boner

      -valendo100, 2 months ago

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      Where’s the nightmarish part?

      • Dagon

        When I picture Succubi I picture sexy lady demons. what if they’re really hairy balding demons? What if a red-skinned Louis CK is the real succubus?

        I love his jokes but I’d never let him sit on my face.

        • Enemy Of The Free World

          Welp, I’m off to the corner, shaking from terror, imagining Louis on my face.

          • Based Tapir

            I know it’s a turn-on for you.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Damn Right It Is!

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          Damnit. I’m going to go sit in my shower cowering in fear of this mental image.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

    My bf and me have heard every singles song tht a7x have releast!! I was 13 when I first heard this band!! That is when I started liking this guy named Levi! I am 23 right now and I have loved this band for a long time!!! I have worn the Hoddie I got for years and it finally broke and for my Birthday my Bf got it for me and I got him the same hoodie and so we have the same hoddie!!
    Thank you u made me become who the hell I am!!! Love Ya!!!!! <3

    -Posted by Gracie Lou Loves A7X, Aug 15 2011

  • Stockhausen

    Hmm. Not even the third best sex cauldron I’ve been to.

  • Scrimm

    My eyes hurt. That header image is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    “Mago de Oz”–does this mean that the Spanish language does not have a distinction between a Mage and a Wizard?

    • MoshOff

      That is correct.

    • EsusMoose

      They aren’t different in DnD so who cares I’ll still throw magic missiles at everyone

      • VVayne Brady
        • EsusMoose

          I think they’d fall quickly to my large truck of overcompensation and poser slaying +666 that only plays BLS and 5FDP

          • VVayne Brady

            There’s this gigantic lifted truck that always parks somewhere in the same strip of parallel parking that I use. If he ever makes it to an empty stall (which is supposed to hold two vehicles), he’ll park his giant dong machine right in the middle so no one else can get in.

          • Scrimm

            HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH dong machine!!

          • KJM

            huhuhuhuhuhuh…

          • Wait…haven’t these two nearly exact comments been repeated before? If not, I just got INSANE deja vu.

          • KJM

            With this crowd the odds are very good that the phrase “dong machine” has been used before, and probably will be used again.

          • VVayne Brady

            Maybe. It also could have been on FB. I wouldn’t put it past us.

  • MoshOff

    As a Spaniard, I know SEVERAL people that own that same Mago de Oz shirt 🙁

  • i bet the joke that the jester was thinking of was “bazinga!”

    • EsusMoose

      no

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      Jimmy plz!

    • VVayne Brady

      Benghazi!

      • Dagon

        Conservative jimmies rustled 4 evah

        • VVayne Brady

          Bazooper

  • STANKBEARD

    Dark Moor is way better than Nightwish

    • Dagon

      Riff Raff is way better than Nightwish

    • Based Tapir

      Most things are better than Nightwish.

  • Dagon

    MA BRUHZILIAN TWINS GOT FLAGGED THEN DEPORTED

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niHSDx4Y_zs

  • Dagon

    Why the fuck am I listening to RiFF RaFF for the past 20 minutes?

  • Gaboni covers are very campy. Don’t like them! This is the worse, for me. I like some songs on that album and in Gaia I:

    http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6024/5932749611_23f9c2d894_z.jpg

    The Dark Moor reminded me of those old Boris Vallejo paintings in the Avalanch cover arts. That guy an obsession with those vampiric girls. I remember all the edgy schoolmates printing those arts to cover their notebooks:

    http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/735/3795/1600/103374/Avalanch-El_Angel_Caido-Frontal.jpg

    • A lot of Mago de Oz’s artwork is horrific. If makes no sense at all.

      • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

        Yep! And their videos are pretty fucking campy/awful as well.

    • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

      Haven’t heard Avalanch in ages. Good band.

  • I am now going to start using “sex cauldrons” in casual conversation now and attempt to get other people to use it. I’ve already successfully got several of my friends to use the terms “flush” and “widdly diddly”. This must be the next evolution. Hilarious article as always.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    • VVayne Brady

      Is that Jaden Smith?

      • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        first vid muted–2nd vid full vol

        http://youtu.be/UhbfwyAilZw

        http://youtu.be/An2a1_Do_fc

      • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

        Nah, that kid looks like he actually has an idea of what’s going on around him. Jaden Smith easily qualifies as the most airheaded and oblivious person this side of Kim Lardassian.

    • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

      Good doc, btw. Sadly he died a little while back from the disease.

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    Banishing this post, for false information regarding1-800-666-BUTT. Emprah is disappoint.

    Jk not really about the banishment.

  • JVVG

    I guess I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t think the Angeles del Infierno shirt is as terrible as you want to make it out to be. At least there was conscious effort to match the design to the band name, something few really bad shirts manage to even closely achieve.

    If there really is a worst part about it, it’s the band logo jammed in there. Awful colour contrast, terrible placement, and stupid font.

    Though the text below looks misplaced, too. I suppose it’s an album title or something, which is reason enough to leave it off (seriously: why do album art shirts even *have* to include the title? – it’s not like the wearer doesn’t know it, or the ‘viewers’ really even care).

  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

    I used to have this Mago De Oz shirt from when I saw them live at The Aragon Ballroom (Chicago). Best and craziest live show I’ve ever been to!

    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/8T3QYiNPVYs/hqdefault.jpg

  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

    Or you could do this to your car.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXgfzxXUVsc

  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

    Speaking of Spain and lolbuttz, good song but the video is horrible!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gy_vl-ck-LM

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    That is one fucked up town name. I knew about the Austrian town they mentioned in that article, obviously.