Shirt Stains: Nightsquish

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Working on some night moves.

Nightwish is probably one of, if not the, most popular symphonic metal bands in the world. Their influence on multiple genres is undeniable as is their popularity. Though they may not receive much love from the more traditional metal fans, Nightwish has carved out their own place in the metal world thanks to a creative sound and constant touring. The band’s strength has always been its female vocalist, whether it was the operatic Tarja Turunen, the more mainstream Annete Olzen, or the powerful Floor Jansen. Nightwish appeals to a wide swath of people across many, many countries. Perhaps that fandom would be slightly smaller if they saw these shirts.

 

Steamwish

nightwishwtf

I don’t know what’s going on with this shirt, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to. This shirt isn’t good. That’s not to say that it isn’t well done, because it is. It’s just not a good shirt. It looks like it was conceived by an escaped mental patient who has had The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus described to him in Yiddish. A giant train car double-hot air balloon. On top of that, it’s being dragged by two skeleton/ghost horsies. That’s just terrible planning. If you described this shirt to a doctor, he would double your medication. The colors are really bland for a concept that is all magical and wondrous. I’m not asking for hot pinks and neon greens, but something other than KFC browns and pale grays. Not exactly full of Nightwish flair.

This shirt is worn by people who ride unicycles. This short is worn by people who wish there was more steampunk-themed porn. This shirt is worn by people who refer to themselves by their Dungeons and Dragons names. This shirt is worn by people who put jelly on their peanut butter M & Ms. This shirt is worn by people who who have written orc/goblin fan fiction.

 

Praywish

nightwish_prayer_L

 

Oh, man. I take back what I said about the previous shirt’s colors. That was a cornucopia of color compared to this one. 50 Shades Of Brown isn’t just your totally hysterical and original idea for a 50 Shades of Grey sequel. Just when the front doesn’t have enough brown, the back looks like it was used to clean up after all-you-can-eat Meat Lover’s pizza night at Pizza Hut. How much more brown can there be on this shirt? None. None more brown.

This is all just taking away from the bad design of the shirt. Praying hands holding a cross/rosary/whatever religious iconography Christians hold. Where have we seen that before? It’s a pretty common design, though I don’t remember the pinkies being so gnarly. I can’t read the entire BACK of the SHIRT with all OF the UNNECESSARILY CAPITILIZED WORDS, but THAT’S FINE. Something about dying and country and whatever “another man, yes” means. It’s just one long run-on sentence that tries to be philosophical and comes off as bad middle school poetry.

 

Blandwish

nitewishshirtstains

 

This is the plain yogurt of the Nightwish merchandise collection. No sprinkles. No nuts. No fruit at the bottom waiting to be stirred. It looks like they screengrabbed a few pictures from a video, smooshed them all together in MS Paint and said, “Fuck it, good enough. Let’s go get some lohikeitto and karjalanpiirakka.”

They clearly should’ve spent more than 5 minutes on this shirt before filling up on lingonberry jam and porridge. The picture of Tarja is warped, and your guess is as good as mine what’s going on above her. I assume that guy on the shirt is also in the band, but I can’t get over his “Male Stripper Dressed As A Magician” look. It’s like he’s an out-of-work illusionist on the Vegas strip bilking vacationing couples out of a couple of bucks. Not sure why they have a cross on the shirt. Is Nightwish really a Christian hardcore band and they’re just waiting for the right moment to throw in some breakdowns and talk to us about Jesus and his infinite love?

 

Platoonwish

nightwish3shirtstains

 

Have you ever wanted a band shirt to recreate Willem Dafoe’s iconic death scene in the Vietnam War movie “Platoon”? Really? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you in Nightwish? You have to tell me if you’re in Nightwish. It’s the law. War is hell and now you can wear it on your chest to ProgPower 2015. Thrill your friends at the next Warhammer 40,000 marathon. Scare away your Craigslist casual encounters date.

Again, here is another Nightwish shirt that’s just plain bad. Bad design, bad colors, bad execution. Is the kid trying to hug the fleeing swans? Is he cursing the darkened sky like it just took his Pokemon cards away? Is he freaked out that almost every Nightwish shirt contains various shades of brown? Is he deeply disturbed by the back of this shirt that looks like someone’s printer was running out of ink? The back of this shirt has more smudges than the wall of a jerk booth in an adult book store. I suppose I should be happy that the back of the shirt isn’t brown too.

 

Animewish

nightwishshirtstains

I’m pretty sure this is just a fan-designed shirt, probably from the Deviantart page of a young anime enthusiast, but let’s just pretend that it’s real. It’s far more fun that way. Less depressing too if it’s real and was created by a middle-aged man who drops Dragonball Z references into casual conversations.

This shirt is just so adorable. I actually have to now take insulin injections before every meal because this shirt is just so sweet. Weird, but sweet. Is that supposed to be Tarja on the left? Annette? It’s really hard to tell. The artist did manage to capture the male members quite well as they really do look like ghetto pirates. Or members of Moonspell. This design is more fit for a magical girl Japanese cartoon than a symphonic metal band. The real disappointment is that they couldn’t squeeze in a dragon somewhere. Knowing Nightwish shirts, it probably would’ve been a brown dragon.

  • Sweet mother of shit these are bad.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Still better than their music.

    • “This shirt is worn by people who refer to themselves by their Dungeons and Dragons names”

      I think he is talking about you.

      SM

    • Mother Shabubu III

      That first shirt looks like a giant shoe about to come down on two Terminator-looking horses.

      The last one is so weaboo it makes that-site-who-shall-not-be-named’s obsession with Babymetal appear healthy and payola-free.

  • nbm02ss

    I love Floor’s voice, but she’s never done anything musically that’s interested me.

  • Brendan Campbell

    btw, where IS all the steampunk porn?

    • For some reason, I imagine there’s a lot of overlap with My Little Pony porn.

      • Steampunk Sonic erotic fiction is probably a thing, too.

        • nbm02ss

          Rule # 34.

      • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

        *waits for the bronies and furries to come storming TOH demanding an apology and threatening civil lawsuits*

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      Deviantart, if I had to guess.

    • Welcome to the Toilet!

      GL

    • nbm02ss

      Check with the Japanese.

    • Xvid…I mean I have no idea.

      • Dagon

        On the real, though. We all know this is the best… streaming service today.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      The Renaissance Faire! Huzzah! $10 off admission with Pepsi can!

      http://www.lancasterpahotels.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Faire-Scenario-01.jpg

    • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

      I will be on the top bunk researching this subject!

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Wow these shirts are crap, almost as crap as Nightwish’s music.
    *Awaits incoming butthurt*

  • Tyree
    • CyberneticOrganism

      #SwansonFacts

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Shit band, shit shirts. I don’t see what’s wrong here.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Ha ha ha Nightsquish

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      They should rename themselves to Shitewish, as that more accurately displays the band’s music.

    • nbm02ss

      Dweeb Theater.

      • Guacamole Jim

        HAHA

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I was just thinking yesterday, completely at random, how much I disliked Dream Theater. I shall now call them Dweeb Theater forever.

      • CyberneticOrganism

  • I don’t mind Nightwish. I’ve never heard anything they’ve released that has blown me away but nothing has offended my ears. These shirts are complete pulsing anus.

  • Maik Beninton

    Compared to what I’ve seen on this series, these aren’t that bad, except for that dumb anime one.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Holy hell I’m bored.

    • I am wasting as much time as possible right now. 3:30 cannot come fast enough.

      Then we are on our way to Chicago!

      • Guacamole Jim

        Whoa, sneak edit!

        • Yeah I didn’t realize you posted a picture – so I redacted my comment. Ayyyyyyyy

      • Scrimm

        YES IT CAN!!
        That’s when I have to leave for work 🙁

    • Dagon

      Hahahah the dude really looks concerned and sad from playing in Nightwish hahahaha

    • OldMetalHead

      Did Jim just win photo chop 9?

    • Celtic Frosty

      Legitimate LOLz at “Sheifhb HuHugu”

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    Second to last shirt is actually one of their albums’ art (toilet confession: I actually liked that album. Slay me.), but dear lord in heaven is that last one horrible.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    One of the worst songs I have heard thus far in my fetid life. This has more cheese than a fucking Sargento factory. This is the musical embodiment of overweight, woe-is-me, pseudo-goth kids from white, suburban high schools.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCSj_qUsKlo

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Dat clubby bass kick

  • nbm02ss

    On a totally unrelated topic, RIP in peace Grooveshark. I’m trying Spotify, even got the cheap intro premium deal, but after an Alcest song I get an “Oh oh oh O’Reileeeeeyyyyy” ad. Fuck.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      Premium Spotify is the cat’s pajamas.

  • Paris Hilton

    Instead of giving out condoms to young men in high school and universities they should give out any of these shirts. They all have a 100% effectiveness at ensuring you never have sex again. The only exception is the anime Nightwish shirt, in which your penis will unattach and travel the country in a boxcar as you have absolutely no use for it at that point.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Waiting for new user called Boxcar Penis…

  • Guppusmaximus

    Ummm…Not certain how Nightwish’s influence on multiple genres is undeniable when Blind Guardian set the stage for this entire genre back in the 80s. Just my .02

    • Maik Beninton

      I would say they inspired the symphonic metal bands with female singer like Epica.

      • Guppusmaximus

        I’d say Warlock did that previously as well… again, just my .02

        • Maik Beninton

          Yeah but Nightwish did in a more opera way.
          Also why .02 and not ‘opinion’?

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            It’s an American colloquialism.

          • Maik Beninton

            I don’t get it.

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles
          • Guppusmaximus

            It is suggesting that my opinion is of very little value. I use it quite often because it helps to defuse the reaction. We all can get a little butthurt about the topic of music:)

          • Maik Beninton

            Yeah, I don’t understand what’s so bad about Nightwish and I can’t wrap my head around all the hate over here.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Well, if you like them that’s fine. I just happened to grow up with all the bands that pretty much catapulted the Heavy Metal genre, so, this band seems very mediocre at best and doesn’t sound influential to me at all.

  • The Deputy is amongst us. . .

    SHOW YOURSELF, DEPUTYD !

    GL

  • Dagon

    I really dislike Nightwish. Let’s cleanse this thread!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzkDVmotWCs

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Btw, this insults me personally. On my fucking birthday too. Please kill me.

    http://www.kerrang.com/wp-content/uploads/Nightwish_Wembley.jpg?455978

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      Is someone forcing you to go at gunpoint?

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        No, its just the fact that shit like this is successful, and can headline arenas.

    • Maik Beninton

      She looks like a dude.

    • Guppusmaximus

      Is it just me or does that chick look more manly than the entire bunch?!

      • Maik Beninton

        Yeah she is so big on the photo.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Her shoulders are awe-inspiring… I need to get swole:)

      • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

        That isn’t saying much. Tuomous (however you spell it) is as manly as cotton candy at a Taylor Swift concert. I think she’s probably hung like a KY Derby winner!

        • Guppusmaximus

          Is it bad that I would still smash 6/10?

          • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

            What does that mean? *scratches head*

      • Stanley

        It looks like she is pleasuring the guy to her left. At least by the look on his face.

        • The Beargod

          Yeah, Boy I had fun in that photoshoot… I mean, nevermind.

        • Guppusmaximus

          HA! How did they not catch that especially that look on his face… Fucking Classic!

    • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

      With D. Frank N. Furter on vocals!

  • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

    I couldn’t tell which singe it was on the last one, either. I think they just made up a character, considering how they fly through singers (and manage to do it in the worst way possible. Anyone remember the online firing/”Tarja ain’t givin’ me the poon because she’s married” rant and letter to her years back?

  • Tyree
    • Guppusmaximus

      Sounds Jarzombek inspired…. Great Stuff! Give me more, please:)

      • Guacamole Jim
        • Guppusmaximus

          I could listen to a whole 5-6 min. song of that. *Bip-Bop-Bibidy-Djent*

          • Guacamole Jim

            hahaha yeah, it cracks me up every time.

          • Guppusmaximus

            I must’ve listened to it like 5 times in a row, especially, that part “Like Woo…Like Zoo” LMAO!! This kind reminds me of that Metal Kitty video. If it didn’t have that cat the song would be uninteresting at best

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8p6j1Lw0gE

    • Dagon

      This was… something.

  • The Beargod

    Srs. Platoonwish and not Deathwish. Talk about a missed opportunity.

  • If you were in a tight spot and had nothing else to wear, shirtless is a better option even for the most grotesque among us.

  • OldMetalHead

    Is Nightwish a Christian metal band? If not, I’m confused by the praying hands one.

    • The Beargod

      Tuomas is certainly not a very religious person, an atheist even.

    • Guacamole Jim
      • The Beargod

        He doesn’t talk about religion doe. Not really.

        • Guacamole Jim

          I actually haven’t heard any of it, so I’ll take your word on that. Dawkins is best when he doesn’t talk about religion.

          • The Beargod

            I know Tuomas is an atheist but basically he talk about evolutionary biology. Plenty of religious scientists are religious, so…

            But in catholic countries they burned Nightwish albums because of Dawkins.

          • KJU’s Penis Pump Of Doom

            I thought he worshiped Scrooge McDuck.

          • The Beargod

            Yeah… In Finland Donald Duck and associates is a little bigger than elsewhere. But even that in mind Tuomas is the DonaldD counterpart of a weeaboo.

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            He forces his girlfriend to dress like Daisy Duck.

          • The Beargod

            Oh lawd.
            (brb, buying tickets to the Kitee-train, I gotsta witness this)

      • OldMetalHead

        Wow. That makes it all the curiouser.

    • Tyree

      Molenaar adores them.

  • JWG

    There are definitely plenty of better options for a ‘cartoon’ band shirt other than faux-anime fan art. I used to have one with this image on it, for instance:

    http://www.unleashthearchers.com/content/pictures/UTAOrgRedv2.jpg
    I’m sure some might consider this a Shirt Stain too, though. It is a little too ‘busy’, and definitely for people who prefer Red-Orange-Yellow over the rest of the spectrum. But I liked it. I was almost sad when I had to retire it due to excessive laundry-shrinkage.

    • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

      To be fair, every band shirt ever could be considered a shirt stain. This one is pretty cool in my opinion.

  • THE CHICK LOOKS LIKE CHRIS MOTIONLESS! HOLY SHIT!