Shirt Stains – New Wave Of Bad Hideous Merch

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Respect your elders… unless they’re wearing one of these shirts.

For those of you not in the know or just slept through Heavy Metal History class, the New Wave of British Heavy Metal was a British heavy metal movement in the late 70’s and early 80’s. The movement was a shift away from the blues influence groove that bands like Deep Purple had and focused more on a more uptempo punk and progressive rock-influenced sound. NWOBHM acts such as Iron Maiden, Saxon, and Diamond Head were huge inspirations to metal bands in America, leading to many of the subgenres we now have today. Thankfully, their merch hasn’t had as big an influence.

 

Judas Priest – You’re My Tur-Bro Lover
judaspriestshirtstains

These full-splash shirts just don’t work. They really don’t. You can make a shirt like this with the naked bits of your favorite celebrities and it would still be terrible. It’s a shame that Judas Priest caters to the meathead crowd, but even bros feel like breakin’ the law. If the shirt was just the name and the angel, it wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, the angel’s pose is silly, but whatever. Unfortunately, someone felt the need to smear day-old clay from a kindergarten class all over everything. The grays and blacks really accentuate the doo-doo browns. Maybe it’s all a ploy to distract from that fact that “Sad Wings Of Destiny” at the bottom of the shirt is uneven and actually falls off at the end. It’s almost as if it was trying to avoid being seen with the rest of the shirt.

This shirt comes free with a P90X workout DVD. This shirt has it’s own sauce named after it at Buffalo Wild Wings. This shirt hangs out in the parking lot of an Auto Zone. This shirt has “Is Anyone Up?” bookmarked. This shirt still wears hats titlted to the side. This shirt says it’s going food shopping for the house and then just buys a 24 pack of Natural Ice.

 

Saxon – Denim and Lolther

Saxon_Denim_and_Leather_LS_L

Saxon may not be the first name on people’s minds when talking about NWOBHM, but they’ve been churning out albums and tours fairly consistently since the 80’s. Plus, Chris Jericho loves them, so that’s good. He might not feel the same way after seeing this long-sleeve shirt, though.

I really do hate the trend of long-sleeve metal shirts that just print the band name or symbols multiple times. It never ever looks good. The combination of red and white on this shirt kind of makes the wearer look like a giant Valentine’s Day card found in the clearance section of a Dollar General. I can only imagine what is on the back. My guess would be “Saxon Bird Saxon Bird Saxon Bird”.

Of course, that is just a minor quibble when compared to the front of the shirt. The name? Cool. The logo? Fine. The font for “DENIM AND LEATHER”? Oh for fuck’s sake. Looks like someone found a stencil font in Microsoft Word. I can only hope the next Saxon shirt has Comic Sans. Note: No denim and/or leather used in this product.

Raven – The Crap Is Back

ravenshirtstains

We’ve covered Raven here at The Toilet before, so you know that deep down, we love them. Love can only go so far when it comes to a shirt like this. I think this shirt is what it sounds like when doves cry. It’s all so incredibly funny that laughter is no longer the appropriate response when seeing it. Screams of terror akin to seeing Cthulhu rising from the city beneath the ocean is the only proper way to address this shirt.

I can’t exactly put my finger on the funniest part of this shirt. The sassy poses? The tighty whities? The banana hammock? The god-awful pre-Photoshop job on their heads? Their expressions? The strange Mad Max-meets-Leather daddy getups? Look I know the 80’s were a strange cocaine blizzard, but come on. It’s great that the pack is back, but maybe the pack should have consulted a stylist first. Or at least worn some pants.

 

Black Sabbath – Sulphur Hydrogen Iodine Titanium
blacksabbathshirtstains

So technically, Black Sabbath came before the NWOBHM movement, but for the sake of laughing at this bad shirt, let’s throw them in. This shirt looks like you would find it at the weird discount store on the bad side of town right next to the the Diet Shasta Orange soda, faded Christmas decorations, and boxes of Larry The Cable Guy Beer Bread mix.

I know there are plenty of metalheads that want non-black band shirts, but it just feels wrong to have a white Black Sabbath shirt. The big lavender cross seem more appropriate for the wake of a great aunt you never knew about. There are more crucifixes on this shirt than in some churches. The idea of using periodic elements to form the band name is somewhat creative until your high school science kicks in and you realize that all those elements together don’t mean anything. And why is the font for Hydrogen bigger than the others? Is that a joke about Ozzy’s voice or just a goof in printing? I’m going with the latter.

 

Witchfinder General – Sure Billy, You Can Design A Shirt For Us
witchfindergeneral

Witchfinder General tend to fall under the “influential, but not well-known” category. In some circles, they are better known for their album artwork than their music. Maybe they should have named themselves after a better Vincent Price movie. Hopefully this shirt isn’t an introduction to the band, because it will probably cause you to avoid them like that smelly guy on the bus that air drums despite not wearing headphones.

These are one of those situations where the band would have been better off just using their name and nothing else for the shirt. The font is pretty cool and fits in well with their gimmick. But no, they just had to throw in some artwork that’s closer to unfinished elementary school decorations than edgy metal band. Those are the most adorable witch hunters ever, you guys! Even the flames are harmless looking. Maybe a little color would have helped. That and taking out the punctuation-less sentence underneath it too.

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  • /would totally wear that Saxon shirt every day.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    That was the worst Raven album in my opinion. At least the Saxon shirt is of a good album.

  • Celtic Frosty

    Woof, Judas Priest. On the plus side, if a deer does spot me in the woods, they’ll at least appreciate my musical tastes.

  • Hicks wear that Judas Priest shirt when they go hunting.

  • Tyree

    “Smelly guy on the bus that air drums despite not wearing headphones”.

    I can relate to that quote.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Stockhausen

    Thank you for probing the depths so we don’t have to. If I found that Judas Priest shirt without the protection of the Toilet, I might have sprouted a tan work jacket, a case of Skoal in my back pocket, and thought Phil Labonte made some good points.

    • KJM

      The scary thing for me is that my mother’s maiden name is LaBonte. I really hope I’m not somehow related to this schmuck.

  • FeelTheDarkness

    That Priest shirt is a shitty as the Turbo album.
    Even though Sad Wings Of Destiny is a great album

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Couldn’t you find a Stay Hard Raven shirt?

  • Aioli of Planck Void

    Cocaine blizzard.

  • Guest

    They should have put this on a shirt

  • Howard Dean

    I actually like the Witchfinder General shirt. The illustrated picture beneath is a little ghetto, sure. But I like it.

    Also: You can preorder the new Enslaved album today from Nuclear Blast. Do it!

    • MoshOff

      BYAH!

    • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

      (You can also stream a song)

      • Howard Dean

        The only streams I need are the ones to clean off my blade after a.bloody and to evacuate my bladder when it’s full.

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          But it’s so good.
          (and official)

        • Scrimm

          This is beautiful. Saved for future use.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            Hey, How are the Lost Themes?

          • Scrimm

            Very good. Really has the feel of 70’s and 80’s movie scores.

      • for the lazy: (what you all think of it?)
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a640Wu6PQbs

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          It sounds like Enslaved, like fucking good Enslaved

          • Stanley

            Clean vocals are strong too.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            I think they excel more at cleans today than on harshes

          • Howard Dean

            Grutle’s harsh vocals have been weakening for a few years now. I too enjoy Herdbrand’s cleans more than the harshes.

            Overall, though, I think Enslaved do a fantastic job combining the two.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            Hearing Riitiir I said to myself that there was no need for harsh vox anymore. Hearing this, I like thier presence again.

          • Howard Dean

            Nice. That’s encouraging!

        • old_man_doom

          This is so good That preemptively up-voted you, Detective.

        • sweetooth0

          Yeah this is awesome!! I dug their last two albums and this sounds like that, with a bit more old school black metal venom injected back in.

          • sweetooth0

            it hits the spot

  • Under Armour has a line of metal t-shirts, I just found out. The bro-douchery and lolbuttz are strong with this one (complete with a stereotypical bro modeling it for maximum “dude, let’s oil up and watch Brock Lesner’s UFC collection!” effect).

    http://www.metalsucks.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/under_armour_metal.jpg

    • MoshOff

      BRO!

      • Bro! Did you remember your baby oil, Red Bull and wrestling tights?

        • CyberneticOrganism

          GOT EM ON UNDER MY BASKETBALL SHORTS, BRO!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        BRO!

      • I can’t stop saying bro – Bro!

  • JWG

    Excuse me? Better Vincent Price movie? That *is* one of the better ones.

  • JWG

    It’s okay. We all know Zebraman was the real 80’s metal trendsetter.

    • KJM

      o_O

      • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

        Here I am again, going non-sequitur. Have you heard of these herpaderps?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DT1C90ZAH84

        • KJM

          Nope, and I’m suddenly sorry I paused Lost Themes to check it out. 🙁

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            🙁 (Buying Lost Themes, most likely though, so no unbelievably hard feelings, mate.)

          • KJM

            It’s fucking awesome.

    • the first pic is Dee Snarl on Disqus??

  • DDubya.

    Listen, you little crap. Tony Horton gets more action in that shirt than you ever will.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

    That Sad Wings of Destiny artwork is iconic, but on that t-shirt? Not so much.

    • Akercocke ov Steele

      Black T-shirt+album art+logo=Done finished, good enough, gets the point across that you like this band.

    • I like very much that art, but that t-shirt isn’t worth the lolbuttz etiquette

  • I must say that Shirt Stains gets more entertaining with each post. I have to re-read this at home so I can laugh for real.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Are Raven supposed to be breaking out of toilet stalls in that shirt? Did they all watch Spinal Tap one night and decide the “breaking out of pods” sequence would look better with shitters?

  • “What’s happening in this Raven shirt?

    OH MY GOD…”

  • God ov All

    I’d wear the shit out of the Saxon and Judas Priest shirts.

  • Dagon

    This Judas Priest T looks exactly like an Affliction t-shirt.

  • Mon*Star

    I love Judas Priest so much, which is why it’s so goddamn painful that their merch is so terrible. The only things worth wearing have the Screaming for Vengeance or Defenders of the Faith artwork on them. Sure, they have other good album covers, but when it comes to translating to t-shirts, not so much.

  • Lacertilian

    Sabbath one is almost passable.
    The rest stink.