Shirt Stains: Nergal Statue Toy Thingy


As Above So Be-LOL.

Depending on who you ask (like the comments of Youtube, for example), Behemoth are one of the best bands out there today or a total boringburger with extra cheese. Much like Dimmu Borgir before them, Behemoth gained a bunch of steam among a wider audience before quickly and quietly falling back down to around the same level of popularity they had before. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, I just find it interesting. Personally, I think Behemoth are fine. Haven’t really listened to them enough to have a strong opinion, though they will always have a special place in my heart for playing in Israel and having a special message for bands that cancel shows there as a form of protest. Eat shit, Roger Waters. Get a better hobby. I mean, if Behemoth didn’t go to Israel, we wouldn’t have gotten this work of modern (f)art.

What does all this have to do with Shirt Stains? Well, for some reason, Behemoth have released a Nergal figurine. Here’s the description:

“A hand-painted ‘Nergal / Behemoth’ collectible figurine. Made of polyurethane resin, each piece is unique and slightly differs from others because of hand-painting.

Each figurine has a unique number, engraved on the ‘The Unholy Trinity’ metal coin located in the in the stand. Each figurine also gets a Certificate of Authenticity, hand signed by Nergal (the autograph is not printed). The certificate is made of high quality paper with embossed elements (Behemoth logo and Unholy Trinity) and you can stand this Certificate next to the figurine.”

So it’s essentially a toy and a signed piece of paper. For over $100. And it is already out of stock.


Just look at Nergal. He’s got a full-on Braniac meets The Leader thing going on. For the love of God, don’t let him team up with Lex Luthor or Abomination. It’s not a forehead, it’s an eighthead. His little hair tufts make him look like he’s stealing Animal‘s from The Road Warriors look. At least it matches his wispy beard that practically says “Hell yeah, I eat Cheetos. Why do you ask?” The stern look on his face says “Hail Satan” or possibly “Eating that Guacamole Bacon Thickburger from Carl Jr’s was a baaaaaaaad idea.” His spooky eyes just make it look like he’s sleeping.

Don’t like the black version? We’ll, you’re in luck because there’s also a “bright” version of the Nergal figurine. It’s not really bright as it is a “faded toilet bowl at a closed rest stop” color. Is his body replaced with smoke? Noodle pudding? The gaping space where Ted Cruz’s soul is supposed to be? Instead of the smoke monster from Lost, I wish they gave him a disproportionately small body and made this a bobblehead. Come on, you know you want an entire line of death and black metal musician bobbleheads. That’s a license to print money.

At the end of the day, this is just a fancier version of those Pop! Funko figures. It will just sit on your shelf and that’s about it. I mean, I guess you could use it for practical purposes like propping open doors, scratching your back, or sticking up your butt. Hey, no judgement here. You can do whatever you want with your Behemoth inaction figure. What you do behind closed doors is your own business. Just make sure to use lots of lube or a strong pair of tongs and a good healthcare plan.

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  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Hard AF lol.

  • Hans
  • Dat video of Israel, jajajaja.

    “mATHETICS Hace 2 años
    1. Metal is for children 2. Corpsepaint bands are shit. 3. Bands cancel because they dont agree with killing civilians en masse.”

    Shut up, robbed kidz. Give me yer lunch moneyz.

  • Mosh Hoff

    Behemoth are the KISS of black metal in terms of merch. I have a feeling the truly horrible music is on the way though.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      I think Cradle Of Filth has more merchandising than Behemoth

    • Howard Dean

      Agreed. I think we’re in store from some real vomit-inducing shit-smears of Behemoth albums (my guess is a foray into prog a la Opeth/Mastodon) or Nergal will release a solo album of spoken word or something).

      • GoatForest

        I hope not. I’m hoping that they continue to go down the path of tge last album.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          The Satanist, for me, was Behemoth at their most boring in years. Even if unoriginal, and lacking the attack of their “fusion years”, the Nile-worshipping death metal era had a bunch of good riffs and memorable songs per album. I’m hoping they’ll take their sound somewhere else. But they won’t. And won’t like it.

          • GoatForest

            Well, we could both be wrong. As long as they don’t take a cue from Satyricon’s last album, I’ll be happy. Seriously, that album was total trash.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Finally someone who talks sense. The Satanist is the only interesting album Behemoth ever put out imho.
          The death metal era was absolute gash.

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            I love The Satanist, it wasn’t heavy but it had a great pace, i’m probably in the minority but i really liked Demigod, i just thought that it was “Brutal”, but then again at that time, that was probably the “heaviest” band that i was listening besides Cannibal.

    • Count_Breznak

      I was made for lovin’ you Satan,
      you were made for lovin’ meeee…
      And I can’t get enough of you Satan,
      can you get enough of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • Stockhausen


  • GoatForest

    You know, a Glen Benton bobble head would actually be pretty funny.

    • Wet W’s Whistle

      You have to rebrand the cross every few years, tho

      • Hans

        Tiny branding irons are extra, but there’s different motives! Bratz Benton!

      • GoatForest

        Of course. That’s the only way to make sure you have an official product.

  • Howard Dean

    Nergal/Behemoth are really fucking annoying nowadays.

  • I don’t think there are many more people on this earth as self-obsessed as Nergal. Shit’s real weird.

    • Have you heard of Rob Flynn?

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        That’s one, not many.
        But, you are, of course, correct.

      • Yeah, at least Nergal has made some *decent* music though.

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    I think the most that i have ever paid for some “Collectible” was an Arya Stark Needle replica sword, it was about $200.00 and it came with some paper with a signature of GRR Martin stating that they only made 300 or some shit like that, i tried to look it up, but now there is a newer version of it, and the one that i had some guy on amazon is selling it for over $1,000.00

  • BobLoblaw

    Apartheid is really really metal.

  • Major Zim

    As a superfan, I used to get really annoyed by the dumb shit Behemoth sell because it’s not trve enough (anyone remember those godawful tights?). But I also understand just how hard it is to actually be financially successful with metal as your full-time job, so fuck it, if they keep putting out The Satanist-quality music and live shows, they can merchandise whatever the hell they feel like. No one is forcing me to buy it, so I’ll just roll my eyes and accept that my metal icons are also just normal dudes who would like to not have to spend every night touring basements for the rest of their life.