Shirt Stains: Neon Vomit

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He’s gunna puke! He’s gunna puke. Heeee’s gunna puuuukkkeeeee!!!

For whatever reason, brightly colored t-shirts gained popularity in the mid 2000’s. Maybe there was a factory of leftover neon ink from the early 90’s that a t-shirt manufacturer had to unload. Maybe Hot Topic needed a way to keep out the Slipknot and Twiztid fans. Maybe the bright colors helped the youth of America stay entertained until internetspeeds increased and porn became easier to download. Maybe Lisa Frank had a big following in the music community. Or maybe it was a warning to metal fans to stay the fuck away from these bands.

I Wrestled A Bear Once – H.R. Pukenstuff

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There are two types of people in this world: People that hate I Wrestled A Bear Once and people who are wrong to not hate I Wrestled A Bear Once. For every cool part in one of their songs, there’s about 6 bad things. They’re one of those “Look at how funny we are” bands that are never actually funny. Proof is in their “clever” song titles and ugly merch.

I’m not sure what is more offensive to the senses: the colors or the illustration itself. At least the bright yellow and bubble-letter font helps distract from the demented children’s cartoon in the middle. Do the “A” and “O” in Once? No, of course not, but you’re getting it anyway? IWABO is just so wacky! And the hot pink product of too much bad egg nog, a severe concussion and ecstasy? Well that’s just double-wacky! And the dead fish? You better hold onto your sides, because this shirt just went got a hat trick for super mega ultra Godmode wacky!

Asking Alexandria – NC-17

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I’m not quite sure what I’m looking at, but I the longer I stare at this shirt, the more uncomfortable I get. Is that pink thing…is that purple thing…are they…yeah, I still don’t know. I’m pretty sure it’s dirty, but it’s not clear exactly why.

Is that giant pink thing with Jolie-lips banging that giant purple shark alien? Or is the giant purple shark alien some sort of sentient demon schlong? Did Asking Alexandria watch “Teeth” and decide they wanted a dude version for their shirt? Perhaps they’re just wrestling… without their clothes on… and both mouths agape in orgasmic pleasure… Freud would have a field day with this one.

And why is everything pink and purple? Did someone throw up a bag of Very Berry Skittles? Is that what happens when you listen to Asking Alexandria? Taste the Rainbow, Listen to Asking Alexandria, Vomit The Rainbow.

Attack Attack! – My Eyes, My Eyes!

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A lot can be said about Attack Attack!, mostly with four-letter words, verbs, and adverbs. And everything said would be completely accurate. I almost feel bad posting this on a site such as ours, but fuck it, this thing is ugly and we should all laugh at it.

Much like the famed sequined kilt, this shirt is used to blind and confuse any enemy. If you told me this shirt was made by Magic Eye, I wouldn’t be surprised. Everything on this shirt is kind of smushed together almost as if they could only use a certain amount of space, but were going to use all of it damn it!

It might actually be a cool design if it wasn’t for that fact that someone spilled spaghetti all over it. I mean, carbo-loading is important before a workout, but come on, getting it on your shirt is just sloppy. Oh wait, that’s supposed to be lightning? I didn’t know lightning was so, y’know, wavy and stuff. The mixture of orange-yellow and blueish white reminds me of the Beef & Chicken buffet from Vegas Vacation.

All Shall Perish – Nuclear Dayglo Creepyness

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Where does one begin critiquing this shirt? The abused naked woman sporting a shiner? The cartoonish mutilation? The bizarre sexualization of said mutilation? The perverted dick-nosed bugs? Somewhere R. Crumb is questioning where he went wrong. It’s like someone was listening to Torsofuck while staring at Garbage Pail Kids and banging a rotten Jack O’Lantern. Every aspect of this is creepy, even if you ignore a lot of the red flags. The bright colors serve as a warning to stay away. Stay way the fuck away.

In what context would wearing this shirt be okay? Certainly not school or any family function. Some people might say a show, but I have to question that. The people that like this shirt are the same people that go to Best Buy in hopes of finding “A Serbian Film”. The people that like this shirt own various fedoras. The people that like this shirt really want to talk to you about their CrossFit workout. The people that like this shirt can tell you the difference between Hardees and Carl’s Jr. The people that like this shirt respond to Disqus comments 8 months after the original comment was made.

What I’m really trying to say is that it’s weird, ugly, and you probably end up on a national registry if you wear it.

The Devil Wears Prada – “Prada” Is Must Be Dutch For “Monstrously Ugly Shirt”
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I’d like to personally apologize for you hurting your hand after punching your computer while looking at this picture. It’s the only natural response. Everything about it makes me want to punch and keep punching until there is only blood and bone left. I typically don’t talk about the models in these pictures because really, they’re just living hangers used to show off the product. The terrible tattoos, the Zelda haircut, the stupid piercings and that “Punch me as hard as you can” smirk are just unacceptable. The Dude fucking abides on this one.

The mixture of light pink, pale yellow, and white are better suited for an EZ Bake Oven rather than a metal shirt. Don’t worry, the subtle skulls show that they’re really tuff and stuff. I appreciate that the band’s name is on the shirt multiple times. It helps me remember who I should mail packages of dog shit to. The shirt is so bright that it can be seen from space which is great because it gives astronauts a chance to spit on it.

Ding! The EZ Bake brownies are done. Who wants one?

(Image VIA)

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