Shirt Stains: Metalcore

Making your parents mad since 2003.

The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival is just a month away. Though this year’s lineup contains a mixture of metal styles ranging from thrash to power, the fest always manages to cram in a bunch of lower-level metalcore bands. Maybe you’ll see one of these winner’s in the crowd right before the wearer gets spinkicked in the back of the head.

 I Declare War – Keep Calm And Cringe On

I Declare War specialize in terrible merchandise. Sometimes their merch is ugly. Sometimes their merch is unnecessary. Sometimes their merch is in horrible taste. Sometimes their merch is hateful towards women. Whatever the case may be, I Declare War’s merchandise is suited for people that hold on to their detention slips long after the public school system graduated them just so they would leave school grounds.

This I Declare War tank top is for the Edgelady in your life that thinks saying “go suck a fuck” counts as community service. It takes the incredibly annoying and tired “Keep Calm” slogan and goes all up in ya mothafuckin’ face cause IDW is just so crazy, bitch. “Piss on the Cross.” Take that Jesus, and God, and angels and stuff! You can’t handle what I Declare War is putting down! This tank top is so in my face I can practically smell the stale stench of Cheetos chicken fries from Burger King. This tank top should be this generation’s scarlet letter. It should serve as a warning that we have failed as a species and should just start over on one of those newly-discovered planets.

Every Time I Die – Low Teens, High Word Count

There’s so, so, so much going on with this Every Time I Die long-sleeve shirt. People with epilepsy should refrain from looking at it. I think it’s actually giving me a nervous twitch the longer I look at it. Like many other band shirts that cram in as many words as possible, this shirt manages to forget that it’s supposed to be promoting something. “Every Time I Die” is one of the smaller words and could easily be missed in the word slurry that’s regurgitated on the chest. If I didn’t know any better, I’d guess this is a shirt for a band called Ex Lives.

Let’s read the shirt together: “EX LIVES I AM DEATH AND YOU HAVE MARKED MY WORDS BUFFALO EVERY TIME I DIE NEW YORK THE LOW ROAD HAS NO EXITS SHE’S ALL I HAVE LEFT.” That’s…that’s a lot of words. That’s not even counting the highly unnecessary “C’EST LA VIE” on the arm. God only knows what type of alphabet soup is on the back. I don’t know if any or all of these phrases are ETID lyrics, but does it really matter? No. No it does not. I can only assume the three nooses on this shirt represent the English language’s desire to end it all. That’s a dark message, ETID. Maybe stick to more wacky song titles like “Ebolarama” next time.

We Came As Romans – Denimtastic

We Came As Romans have moved on from ruining camouflage to ruining denim. This doesn’t come in M, Lor XL, it just comes in Sad, Sadder, and Elementary School Art Teacher. They didn’t even bother to make it look decent in the photo. They just pulled it out of the hamper, sniffed it, shrugged, threw it on, and went to their court date. This shirt looks like the way most of this country feels right now.

I assume that’s the band’s logo on the front patch, but it could easily be the symbol of some old-school porno company. The back helpfully let’s us know the band’s name and where they are from. Now we know where to send all the hate mail. Throw on some dungarees, a jean jacket, and hop across the border into Canada for that authentic Canadian Tuxedo look. Apologies to our Canadian readers. It won’t happen a-gain.

August Burns Red – Ugly Even By Children’s Standards

It’s not often that you find a band shirt that manages to be ugly in so many different ways. Congratulations to August Burns Red for hitting for the ugly merch cycle. August Burns Red is putting up Hall Of Fame numbers with this shirt. They’re worthy of getting in on the first ballot if you ask me. It would make baseball fans forget all about the steroid era and that Curt Schilling is an absolute shitbag of a human being.

I can’t decide which is worse: the chunky building-style letters for the “August” or the knock-off spicy tortilla chips letter of “Burns Red”. The random brown splatters really send the message home that this shirt has no fucks left to give and even if they did, the fucks were not be given towards making this a batter shirt. Even the dollar store Reptars look like they’re absolutely disgusted with the madness surrounding them. Or maybe they’re about to sneeze. It is kind of hard to tell.

Bleeding Through – *Squint*

Huh? What’s that say? Don’t be scared, little guy. We just want to see which band you’re supposed to be promoting, but are too embarrassed to do so in a meaningful matter. ENHANCE!

Oh, it’s a shirt by the band The Spooky Spiders. Man, they were great opening for The Misfits back in ’82. What’s that? Oh, it’s a shirt for Bleeding Through? Well, why didn’t they say so? Y’know, it would be easier to see the band name if it was printed horizontally across the chest and not vertically in the upper left chest/shoulder area. I sort of hope that this was just a printing error and they just had to tour the country with 1,000 misprinted shirts.

Written by:

Published on: March 10, 2017

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 1369

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  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
  • Sid Vicious Promos

    I hate I Declare War. They can go suck a fuck.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Aw man. Poor Reptar. He didn’t deserve that.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      He really didn’t. He must have needed money since Rugrats went off the air.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    I can’t justify any of these.

    FLUSH

  • Howard Dean

    I’m pretty sure even Benedictine monks, Pentecostal preachers, and your overly religious aunt who prays your closeted brother’s gay away are no longer shocked or offended by the trite anti-Christian messages of metal bands. Be creative and get a new goddamn angle. There are plenty of other religions out there to go after.

    • Or just be an adult and make music without feeling the need to offend somebody.

      • Howard Dean

        A decent percentage of metal has always been about trying to offend or shock. It can definitely be stupid and childish, but I’ll wager that it’s probably not going away any time soon.

        Also, bands can take an angle against a world religion without trying to overtly offend people. I think it can be useful and enjoyable if a band is legitimately critical of a religion’s teachings and aren’t just spouting random hate. Legitimate criticism of institutions and paradigms is much bigger than metal and is a necessity to human progress.

      • Óðinn

        Yeah, you could do that too. I’m okay with music that is critical and music that is not.

    • Óðinn

      I dunno, Christianity is a bigger problem in this country than it’s ever been. Criticism is necessary. What religion do you suggest that bands criticize, Shinto?

      • Howard Dean

        Certainly not going to be baited into listing particular religions or reasons why such-and-such religion should be criticized. That would be a perfect setup on this blog to following Blackbeard, King Shit, and Tyree into the Kingdom of Banned-dom. I think we can both agree that there are ugly, nasty issues with some world religions and the cultures they create–and I definitely include Christian extremism in the U.S. near the top of that list.

        So to be vague but appropriate: I think any religion can be a relevant target. If a band wants to dig into the sacred texts of a religion and use the things they find and disagree with to help them write a metal album, I say go for it. At least it would be more creative than “Fuck Jesus!” and “Piss on the Cross!” It doesn’t need to be “shocking” or offensive.

        • This is where we agree: criticising a faith (or anything) with authentic passion might be appropriate, but trying to offend just to shock is old hat. We have the Internet now, people can find bands that interest them, we no longer need to rely upon shock value in the back of print magazines to garner an audience.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Besides the message, there’s also the whole, “giant block letters on the front, with band logo tramp-stamped on the lower back” layout that is never acceptable.

            It’d be slightly more acceptable if the crap was on the back, then the band logo front/center like normal, but still lame overall.

            To keep the sentiment, but make it decidedly less lame, change “piss on” to “nuke” and change “I Declare War” to “Toxic Holocaust.”

          • GoatForest

            I dig the new icon.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Thanks man! Fits with the username a lot better now, and doesn’t look as much like anyone else’s, which is more convenient when rapidly scrolling through comments trying to find a specific part or something 😛

        • (oh and I figured I would say “hi!” to our fallen soldiers. If you’re reading this, hope you’re doing okay!)

          • Howard Dean

            I always got along with them well and commented with them a lot over the last couple of years, so I’ve got to say that now this place feels kinda…empty…homogenized. I think I’m the only contrarian left standing.

            http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j344/anchorrecords5/110225/130916/130916115/100_9767.jpg

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I always got along with them as well. Place does kinda feel different without their presence.
            I missed the part were Tyree got banned as well. Apparently something went down, but I never knew what exactly happened.

          • Howard Dean

            It happened here:

            http://www.toiletovhell.com/five-metal-bands-that-should-be-playing-the-inauguration/

            The conversation is a little hard to follow because both Tyree and King Shit’s comments are deleted, but you can get the gist.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I didn’t know.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Thanks for sharing, never saw what went down either, nor was I aware Blackbeard got banned, although from what people were saying, it sounded like a matter of time.

            It’s a tough balance, though. Contrarianism can be fun, or at least interesting, but nobody wants this to turn into the toxic environment that is MetalSucks’ comment section.

          • Óðinn

            True. Most of the time, the right-wing trolls own MetalSucks. It’s kind of their thing. The writers make poorly-written click-bait articles designed to enrage knuckle-draggers, and then many of the commenters go there and whack their hate-boners daily.

          • Howard Dean

            Agreed. There’s a fine line between contrarian and just being an asshole, and it’s best to not cross it.

            However, I think it’s perfectly healthy to challenge or question someone’s reasoning in an article, as long as it’s done respectfully. That type of discourse needs to happen. Not everyone is going to agree with everything, and metal blogs certainly follow that logic.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Absolutely. The key is doing it without coming off like a racist or just being a dick to the other people here. Not that I’m accusing any of the banned guys of doing it, as I didn’t witness much of it myself, since it happened in the time I’ve been slacking on my Toilet-time, but just in general.

          • Óðinn

            You make a good point. Let’s address your Toilet-time slacking, Dumpster Lung. Can we expect a better effort from you in the future? 😉

          • Dumpster Lung

            Actually I was commenting that day that KSoFM and Tyree got banned, I just didn’t go deep enough to notice haha. But yeah, I’m very nearly caught up/soon-to-be ahead at work, after literally 6 months of ever-increasing insanity, and I’ll be in a great place by end of next week (or by end of March at the very latest).

            Come April, there’s a huge switch to a new system taking place, and it’s all gonna go to hell, so the motivation to not only catch up, but get a couple months ahead if at all possible, is extremely high haha.

          • Óðinn

            I’m glad to hear you’re getting shit done, even if we don’t have you around as much as we’d like.

          • GoatForest

            That place is a sewer. I still go there and stir the shit quite a bit, but, I agree. It would be a shame if the Toilet became as nasty as MS.

          • Óðinn

            I don’t think there was a mystery to it. The way I saw it, Tyree became more enamored with the Nazi ideology and the imagery of War Metal bands over time, and he started using Nazi imagery in his avatar and screen name, “SS” runes and racist logos, etc. Joe didn’t like it. I’m not even sure he was banned. To paraphrase, Joe just kind of said that he liked him better when he wasn’t into that Nazi stuff in a comment, and then I never saw a Tyree comment again. Maybe he just decided not to post, and maybe he was banned. I think that was about it. Hope that helps. I don’t like to see anybody banned, but I’m also not cool with so much Nazi stuff being promoted in the Toilet.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I see. I always saw his use of certain symbols as a declaration of his undying love for the trve and kvlt underground scene. Never really knew he was actually into Nazi ideals. Anyway, he was always pleasant to me on a personal level.

          • Óðinn

            To be fair, I only know Tyree over the internet, so I don’t know for sure that he is a supporter of Nazi ideals. But I could see how somebody would come to that conclusion. Anyway, at the end of the day, it’s Joe’s decision to make if he wants certain Disqus accounts commenting here or not.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          The one thing I always liked about for instance Immolation’s lyrics is that they seemed to taunt the higher power. They were never really about “YEEHAAAWWW SUCK MY ASS JESUS!”, but it was always as if they were almost mocking God and his prodigal son – which makes it way more evil than your average “Fuck God” rhetoric.

          • GoatForest

            Yep. Mockery is way more effective to disarm a cause than straight up railing, imo.

        • Óðinn

          Yes. Definitely agree that religion can be criticized. I just have a problem with bands that use religion as a vehicle for racism, and bands that just openly promote hatred based on skin color (which is something we do not choose). Sure, be creative in your criticism. I’m an intellectual and an atheist, and I think new and reasoned arguments are great, even when they don’t make the most accessible entertainment. It’s bands like Goatmoon and Sielunvihollinen that I have a problem with personally. They are not trying to be critical as much as they are trying to spread racial hatred and genocide.

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          They banned Blackbeard?

          • Howard Dean
          • Sid Vicious Promos

            Hopefully the door didn’t hit him on the way out.

          • Óðinn

            HD bookmarks and archives the posts when people get banned. 😉

          • Howard Dean

            No, I just remember the contents of the conversation. I remembered that Joe said “Goodnight White Pride” when he banned Tyree, so I googled “Toilet ov Hell Goodnight White Pride” and it was the first thing that popped up. Problem solving with search engines!

            And Blackbeard was banned four days ago. That was easy to remember and easy to find.

          • Óðinn

            I was joking.

        • GoatForest

          100% agree. On a side note, when were those guys banned? I thought I just saw Blackbeard a few days ago.

          • Howard Dean

            Blackbeard got banned last Monday, King Shit and Tyree were banned some time in January (though in separate incidents).

          • GoatForest

            Ah.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    We Came As Romans Denim-Wear: For when you have to appear on Storage Wars but also want to look hard, bro

    • Dumpster Lung

      I personally find that one the most offensive. There’s just so much wrong with it: there’s the entire concept and the fact that it makes no sense to begin with, it looks really lazy, and the shirt looks too big for the model wearing it. Also, at what occasion are you supposed to wear this thing?

      It just hurts my brain.

  • Love ETID, but cannot back that shirt. They have an insane amount of merch I notice, maybe they need to scale it back a bit.

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    Also since the ABR shirt mentioned the steroid era of baseball I say that putting cheaters in the Hall of Fame is bullshit. I lived through that era as it happened when I was a kid. Fuck A-rod, Barry Bonds and super-fuck Roger Clemens.

    • Howard Dean

      To be fair, it was probably the most exciting era of baseball in history. Records were being smashed almost every year, baseball players were as famous as their brethren in other sports (definitely not that way nowadays), and the fans loved every second of it. I think everyone knew in their hearts that the players were juicing, and they just didn’t care. it was only when the scandals started exploding that everyone got outraged. Nobody cared how juiced up Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were when they captivated the country with their home run race.

      It’s nearly impossible to separate the dudes who used from those who didn’t during that era. The MLB has always understood these difficulties and how delicate the topic is. It’s probably easiest to just acknowledge that a large percentage of the league used PE drugs during this era and move on. Parsing out who was a user and who wasn’t on HoF ballots would be a pretty tough (and ultimately flawed) task.

    • Óðinn

      Fuck baseball in general. It sucks.

  • tigeraid

    Well I mean…. I’d piss on a cross. But I wouldn’t advertise it on a shirt.

    • Óðinn

      The shirt is lame, but yeah.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Careful, you might cut yourself on that edge.

      • Howard Dean
        • Dumpster Lung

          Saw that now and then for the brief period I worked at a Books-A-Million store.

          The best thing I ever saw though, that persisted for almost the entirety of my time there (just shy of 6 months), was “IBS For Dummies” in the Computers/Software books section. I believe that one was probably just an honest mistake by an employee, which makes it even better.

          • Howard Dean

            Hahaha. Maybe scientists are using Python and Java to cure ulcerative colitis.

          • Óðinn

            “IBS For Dummies”. Haha!.

  • Doom Scientist

    SAAAAAAAAATANNNNNNNNNNN!!

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    And We Left As… ? Aardvarks? Eskimos?

    • Stockhausen

      Giant Douchebags

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    I never got into metalcore much. Sure I listened to KSE, but at the time I liked bands that were around the periphery of that sound: Bleeding Through, LoG, Shadows Fall.

    I do distinctly remember playing Chimaira in my room and my dad walking in and asking what horrible shit was I listening to though.

    • Hans Copronym

      Ah, the wisdom of the elders.

    • Dumpster Lung

      Always had a soft spot for Shadows Fall, although there aren’t a lot of their albums that I really like all the way from front-to-back. I had a mix of favorite songs a while back, though.

  • Dumpster Lung

    Alright, I keep mistaking my posts with @disqus_k4hXqbf6SS:disqus’s because that gorgeous Dan Seagrave artwork for Spectral Sorrows and the white walker close-up from Game of Thrones both have a whole lot of blue going on. Time for a change–a more thematically appropriate avatar!

    • You were not the only one with this problem.

      • Dumpster Lung

        Not that it was a big deal. Isn’t like we are polar opposites disagreeing on stuff hahaha, but it’s annoying when you’re trying to scroll through comments to find specific parts of a conversation, or just generally follow what’s going on.