Shirt Stains: Metal Thrashing Sad

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Show no mercy among the living while you kill ’em all beneath the remains. The legacy of killing technology will rust in peace in an eternal nightmare.

I will never claim to be Toilet Ov Hell’s thrash expert. That title is reserved for Simon Phoenix. Sure I know what bands to name-drop and what albums to make fun of, but I have basic knowledge of it. I understand and recognize the importance of thrash bands who helped slay the last remnants of disco and stood alongside garbage hair metal bands like White Lion, Nelson, and Kix. I also understand and recognize some of the terrible shirts that thrash bands have (and still) put out.

Megadeth – The Dave Mustaine Show featuring Dave Mustaine

Megadeth

Did you know that Dave Mustaine was in Megadeth? Did you know that absolutely no one else is in the band? Well you do now. It’s true that Megadeth’s lineup has always been a revolving door. Just recently, guitarist Chris Broderick and drummer Shawn Drover got the hell out of dodge. You can probably lay out a number of reasons why someone might quit one of the most successful thrash bands in the world. Maybe it’s Mustaine’s questionable approach to political thought. Or perhaps his flat-out racism and sexism. I’d like to believe this shirt pushed them over the edge.

While this physical embodiment of faded glory was most likely made years ago, it’s the strongest physical representation of Dave Mustaine I’ve ever seen. Not only is he the only person on the shirt, but his signature is on it too. You know, just in case you weren’t sure who it is since you can’t see his face. The electric green font really drives home the “DAVE MUSTAINE IS IN MEGADETH” message.

Now that I think about it, where was this picture taken? Are we, the people looking at this shirt, supposed to be inside a tree? Outside a tree? Either that or Goatse decided to spruce up the place with some leaves and bark [W. Note: If you value your job and/or your sanity, don’t Google that at work]. Is this shirt saying that Dave Mustaine is a Keebler Elf? If he starts passing out E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed cookies, all is forgiven.

Testament – Lawnmower Man Part Deux

testamentshirtstains2

Oh ye Gods! This shirt is hideous on top of monstrous with a side of breadsticks. I’m seriously getting second-hand embarrassment looking at this thing. The more I look at this shirt, the sadder I get. Sometimes fashion or a certain look is “cool” in the moment so one can be forgiven for following a trend. What’s going on in this Testament shirt was never, ever cool. I promise.

It’s hard to decide where to begin ripping into this short-sleeved sadness. The bright lime green lettering? The giant cartoon heart in the background? The Grim Reaper holding a smaller version of the same exact heart behind it? The many, many, many skulls that fill up all remaining spaces on the shirt? While all of those things are terrible, the worst thing about this is the numerous naked green bodies soaring gloriously all over the shirt. Whoever designed this must’ve been so psyched to use their 1993 computer graphics skills. I’m not 100% sure, looking at the neck, this might actually be a ringer shirt. Ugh, I need to lay down.

 

Destruction – Thrashnado

destructionshirtstains

Okay, okay. I know that this picture is the album art for Destruction’s second album “Eternal Devastation”, but come on. This is hilariously bad. I was a year old when this album came out, so I can’t exactly attest to what was going on in the German thrash metal scene at the time. Apparently, it was bad taste. How did this art come about?

Band: Ve vould like to be tornado, ja?
Artist: Excuse me?
Band: Ve vould like to be tornado.
Artist: What do… I don’t really…
Band: Hey dumkopf, vat is so hard to be understanding? Our metal thrashing is to be blowing stuff down and making with the chaos, ja?
Artist: Ja…I mean yeah, sure.
Band: Ve are like the tornadoes, so den make us like the tornadoes. Und make lots of detail in the hair. Idiot.

The serene Buddha-like looks on their faces really capture the “WTF” factor. I also question their use of fonts for the album name. I can only assume a Chinese takeout menu was the only frame of reference when it was chosen.

 

Anthrax – What kind of music do we play again?

Anthraxshirtstains

Anthrax, Anthrax, Anthrax. What are you doing? You used to be so “with it”. Appearing on Married With Children, rocking Bermuda shorts, breaking down barriers. Now, I just don’t know anymore. I’m afraid you might be getting a little forgetful in your advancing age. See, that symbol you used on your shirt stands for “New York Hard Core”. It’s a good sign that you remember that you’re from New York. That’s a very important first step. That’s not my concern. It’s the “Hard Core” part.

See, Anthrax isn’t a hardcore band. You’re a thrash metal band. Oh sure, hardcore bands are influenced by thrash and New York has a very strong hardcore scene, but you guys aren’t really a part of that. “In Moshing We Trust” is cute, but again, thrash moshing and hardcore moshing are very different. I wouldn’t want you guys to go to a Madball show and get kicked in the back of the head.

It also looks like you guys threw in your name at the top at the last minute. Did you forget your name again? Do I have to pin an index card to your jacket with your name, address, and phone number? It’s ok, we forget sometimes. Just know that we all love you very much and hope that you release an album in less than 5 years.

 

Kreator – Welcome To Mardi Gras

kreator

“How dare you make fun of Kreator,” said a humorless thrash fan. That’s what happens when you put out a shirt featuring your mascot about to receive some beads on Bourbon Street. It doesn’t look cool or tough. It just looks like a demon has had a few too many scorpion bowls and is about 10 minutes away from puking into a bright pink fuzzy hat. That or he’s an extra in “Bears vs. Bikers 6”. Either way, there’s some demon nipple-rubbing going on.

I do appreciate that “Kreator” is on the demon’s chest just in case you forgot the band’s name right above his head. Can someone do me a favor and buy this model something to fill in the rest of his patchy-ass beard? It will make him slightly less punchable.

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  • Scrimm

    Edward was right this gifmaker is addicting. Bro, do you even lift, bro? http://gifyoutube.com/gif/vbRopq

  • Edward/Breegrodamus

    In Moshing We Trust NYHC

    hahahahaha

    • CyberneticOrganism

      New Yawk Hahdcoah

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        Bawstan Clam Chowdah

        • KJM

          CHOWDAH! SAY IT FRENCHY!!!

          • more beer

            It`s amazing how many people think the New York and Boston accents are the same.

          • KJM

            I’m from the Boston area so obviously I can tell the difference.

          • more beer

            I know where you are from we have spoken plenty. I smoke a lot of weed and have done a lot of other shit but I remember things. Being from New York I can tell the difference too.

          • KJM

            Ah, forgot if I’d mentioned that…

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I gawt a scah on my ahm frawm pahking my cah

      • more beer

        That`s how you would say it if you were from Boston.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Well fuck

          • more beer

            There is a difference.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I specialize in snooty British accents.

          • more beer

            That`s funny but all British accents sound snooty to me.

    • more beer

      They got a ton of shit for those NYHC shirts. They were going to CBGB to see shows back then and knew a lot of people on that scene. But even though Scott and Charlie were doing their S.O.D. thing. The logo was put on Anthrax shirts one of the shirts was even copyrighted. A whole lot of people just felt they were trying to cash in on the NYHC thing. Since Anthrax never was and never will be a NYHC band there was a lot of animosity about those shirts.

  • Off topic, but you all need to hear this. Skronky Artificial Brain-like death metal https://arawi.bandcamp.com/album/devourer-of-worlds

  • FeelTheDarkness

    I had that Destruction shirt 🙁

  • That beard and hair really do frame a perfect target for punching.

    • What’s better than terrible mutton chops? I know, I’ll grow a fucking neckbeard.

      • DDubya.

        That terrible beard has to be intentional. I can’t believe someone would wear that without realizing how bad it looks.

    • Tyree

      Punch this.

    • HE NEEDS A 20 SIDED DICE RIGHT BETWIXT THE EYES. IF YOU COULD PROVIDE THE DIE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, THNKS.

      GL

    • Stockhausen

      I’d be worried about my own safety if I saw him. You can really mess up your shoulder from punching that much, because I know I wouldn’t be able to stop.

    • Lacertilian

      is a locker-stuffing out of the question?

  • Scrimm

    Love the band but this…

    • DDubya.

      Dang. That isn’t good.

      • Scrimm

        I think I’d actually rather wear a shirt with one of their most offensive album covers on it than that thing.

    • Tyree

      Nice Hockey Jersey. Dose Kevin Smith rick this?

      • Scrimm

        HAHA I could see that.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I’m unclear: is Dave Mustaine in Megadeth or not?

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    I…actually tried buying that Kreator shirt once.

  • Stanley

    Eternal Devastation is a great record and the art offends me not, poofy hairdos and all.

    I haven’t played it in a while but after the last posting by SimonP with some new thrash, it seems quite appropriate to dust off some old stuff.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3yRhIoDjWY&spfreload=10

    • old_man_doom

      Is the song really called “Eternal Ban”? Mods, y’all need to queue this up when you ban someone from the site, if that’s even happened at all.

      • Stanley

        Yep. It’s was you get if you don’t play nice in the toilet.

  • 64 Crayons!

    This article is fucking HILARIOUS!!! That Kreator shirt is like a shirt version of Inception or something.

  • PhoenixKing Leonhart

    Even I can’t defend these shirts, though the Destruction one is unintentionally hilarious.

    And Kix are definitely NOT garbage.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I’d hate to see the uncool kids.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQMwY66HdLk

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        Kix is an awesome band but a terrible cereal.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Total >>>>>>>>>>

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Their live album from Baltimore was awesome.

          • grape nuts == lolbuttz

          • DDubya.

            You gotta microwave them, bro.

          • Steel cut oatz >>>>> your bullshit cereal.

          • You keep away from my goddamn cocoa puffs, you heartless bastard.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Cap’n Crunch>>>>>>>French Toast Crunch>>>>>>>>Cinnamon Toast Crunch>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Chocolate Toast Crunch.

          • Diabetes <<<<<<<<<<<<<<

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            That is true.

          • Tyree
          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            It’s good shit. They have a cinnamon roll kind which is good as well as my favorite one, the peanut butter one.

          • Stockhausen

            There’s a power metal joke here somewhere.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Yes. I agree.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            lolnuttz

        • DDubya.

          You take that back. Kix cereal >>>>>>> Kix the band.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            The only Kix I liked was the Berry one and that no longer exists.

          • DDubya.

            But bro, it’s kid tested and mother approved.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I don’t approve of it. It tastes like packing peanuts.

          • DDubya.

            Have you ever eaten packing peanuts with milk?

          • Hey, be nice.

            GL

          • DDubya.

            Tell him to be nice to Kix cereal!

          • Done, lol.

            GL

          • DDubya.

            Haha thanks. I hope by now you’re feeling foolish for jumping on me for making a joke in defense of my beloved Kix cereal. This whole thing is silly and pointless, GL.

          • Silly indeed!

            GL

          • Stockhausen

            EY WHATCHOO GONNA DO FRIDAY NIGHT??

        • Hey, be nice to Kix cereal.

          GL

          • Tyree
          • DDubya.

            Hey man, an ol’ fashioned is nice every now and then. Also, I’m going to slay everyone who badmouths Kix.

          • Tyree

            I have not eaten cereal in years. Crazy, when I think about it. Breakfast in general is not part of my everyday routine.

            Bacon >>>>

          • DDubya.

            I stopped eating breakfast for like 5 or 6 years and didn’t start again until my wife started making me breakfast. I now usually just eat a bagel on the go because I’m a whore for carbs.

          • Tyree

            Laura knows best.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Damnit, now I want some cereal!

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Bacon is not just for breakfast. You should eat it every meal of every day,

          • Tyree
          • more beer

            Not unless it`s beer is the correct answer..

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Fine. I used to love the Berry Berry Kix back when I was little.

      • Tyree
        • old_man_doom

          Y u do dis?

    • i aint even mad at that Destruction shirt. thrash was just like that back then…

  • Stanley

    The artist certainly took some liberties with the portraits on Eternal Devastation. He/she made them look like male models not angst/acne ridden 20 year olds. lol.

  • Tyree

    I could see Carl rocking that Testament shirt.

    http://myreactiongifs.com/gifs/carlairguitar.gif

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    there’s this show on abc called “the real”–where people are loud and talk real—and whenever something isnt right—they all yell ‘shades!!”and put on sunglasses

    brainwashing viewers into seeing sunglasses as “bad”(privacy,being able to “hide” from constant surveillance–part of agenda to make sunglasses and hoodies illegal_

    aerobic instructors—teaching not to wear “shades” –by making them yell like theyre on the arsenio show–whoop whoop—“shades!!”–and then all the audience members put on sunglasses in “Frenzied” yells and jumps–“subhuman”


    just like people that hate thrash

    • Stockhausen

      That show sounds horrible.

      • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        they give this lady a blowup doll of nelly–which is part of their abc/u.n. propaganda consortium–to which she states–“i;ll sleep with this everynight”–

        it all started when bush sr had a consortium with soon to be ex soviets–about spreading commie police tactics/propaganda attitudes to the u.s.

        so they use tv networks owned by non americans –to infiltrate the collective consciousness–with shows like this one–(all tv is pbs “educational”–thru intent and or forced cesorship policies)–“equal time”

        so now you got shows like this—-totalitarian scientists studied black people–and exploited their percieved “weakness”–to exploit for rockefeller agenda—all the while stating that it is “positive”–
        percieved “psychology” for mistaken whore of babylon fantasy

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Is it a problem that I would wear that Testament shirt?

    • Tyree

      Only if you don’t cut the sleeves off.

    • DDubya.

      Depends on the context.

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        I’d wear it because it’s Testament and solely because of that.

        • DDubya.

          It looks like it might go well with a trucker hat and a mullet.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I don’t have a mullet and I hate trucker hats. At least it’s not an Affliction shirt.

          • DDubya.

            Look, from a fashion standpoint, I don’t think you could argue that it’s better. It’s… really ugly.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I do admit the way it looks is abysmal. If it was just the guy on the shirt without any of those garish skulls or the little green guys I’d wear it without being embarassed.

          • DDubya.

            The little green dudes are an eyesore.

          • Lacertilian

            the heart man, wtf.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Is it TMS top 5 material though?

  • That Destruction shirt is megaLolbuttz action. With karate grip.

  • Stanley

    You’d have to have a neck like this to wear that Testament shirt.

    • IronLawnmower

      How the fuck do those things work.

      • Stanley

        Very painfully, I would imagine. And what happens when you remove the rings? Flop?

        • tertius_decimus

          They die. Neck muscles fail to support the weight of the head.

      • more beer

        They start doing that as children and they keep adding them. The more they have and the more stretched their neck is the more beautiful they are considered. It`s a life long commitment if they remove them they will die.

  • Mr.Custodial Arts

    One of the only shirts I’ve ever gotten rid of…the print of the lightning bolts and clocks and shit felt like rubber cement…full body design…XL…OF COURSE.
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qgExqkGzC3o/UJ-bmo2d9OI/AAAAAAAACao/FF6MJhnwxl0/s1600/Photo1022.jpg

    • Stockhausen

      AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

  • Stockhausen

    I always like to think of promo shots and band images as a snapshot of an activity. Meaning, something was happening and a picture was taken rather than set up and orchestrated. For that tornado one, I’m picturing a very politely quiet tornado making its way down the street, knocking over chairs and spilling soft drinks, while the guys on top go “Hey. Hey guys, check it out. We’re a tornado. We’re very windy, so you should hold on to things. Hey guys. Hey.”

    • old_man_doom

      I’ll be honest with you, bro. Thrashnado sounds like the best Asylum Studios film that was never made.

      • Stockhausen

        I have dibs on voicing the tornado. “Hey. Check it out. Wssshhhhh, and all that. Hey.”

  • Mother Shabubu III
  • KJM

    Bran Flakes rule all cereal.

    • BLXKKBEXRD

      Raisin bran crunch!!!

      • Honey Bunches of Motha Fuckin’ Oats, bitch.

      • KJM

        I like plain bran flakes with a little sugar and 1% milk.

        • BLXKKBEXRD

          Please refer to the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness sections about Milk.

  • One of the few shirts I could buy was a Megadeth one with Mustaine shredding a flying V with skulls.. #edgy

  • EsusMoose

    Don’t do a chin strap, you’re not from England in the 1800’s or and Amish person.

  • BLXKKBEXRD

    In the words of Ron Swanson, “if you have to sculpt it, you can’t grow it”

    Someone should tell the scrug in the kreator shirt

  • The question on the Anthrax shirt – Will Mosh Bros wear it? If so you are likely as dumb as Anthrax for making it.

  • tertius_decimus

    I love Kreator and think Petrozza still kicks ass of any thrash-metal band of the past but “flag of hate” and this t-shirt are plain laughable.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    I own that Dave Mustaine shirt

    • Lacertilian

      and how did it burn?

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Only when I’m at the gym brah