I’m dreaming of some shitty metal merchandise.
By the time you’re reading this, you’ll probably have already opened your Christmas gifts. You’re gathered with all your loved ones and family pets. You’ve resolved whatever major catastrophic issues you had prior to the holiday. You’ve kissed that person you’ve always loved or perhaps kissed that person you just recently met under wacky and improbably circumstances. Most importantly, you’ve learned the true meaning of Christmas.
Okay, since I don’t celebrate Christmas, I mostly just cobbled together bits and pieces from Christmas specials from family-friendly comedy shows from the 90’s and Lacey Chabert-led Hallmark movies. (Hey, Lacey, if you read this, call me!). Either way, I hope it’s a great holiday for those that celebrate it and a great Friday for those that do not. You know what would guarantee that you’re having a great day? Not getting any of these metal-related Christmas items.
Attila – Santa Fronz Is Coming To Town
Last year, I wrote all about terrible ugly Christmas sweaters from bands. I had left out perpetual shitbirds Attila just because the band Continents had one-upped them in the garbage merch department. Clearly feeling left out, Attila decided to put out a new “sweater” (it’s a sweatshirt, you assgoblins) that manages to be equal parts vulgar and confusing. Parents, let the world know you’ve made many mistakes in life by letting your child wear this anywhere and any time.
This sweatshirt receives some points for being kinda sorta creative in the same way that Mountain Dew gets points for putting out new flavors based on melted snocones. Do the classy fellows in Attila not know how human anatomy works. We know they’re not the brightest fleshlights in the porno shop. Why is this woman’s rear and lower back so red? Did she get some sort of super herpes from one of the members of Attila? If this is drawn to scale, is Santa Claus some sort of omnipotent giant floating head of Christmas doom and this naked woman is riding his face to stop him from spreading his holiday spirit across an unsuspecting world? Is Santa normal sized and the woman is some sort of red-assed Lilliputian?
Slipknot – Frosty The Maggot
W: “I push these snowflakes into my eeeeyyyyyyyeeees!”
365DOH: “If the pain goes on, I’m not gunna shake it!”
When you think of Slipknot, do you think of a winter wonderland, where everything is peaceful and magical? No, of course not. You think of a grown man in a clown mask hitting a keg with a baseball bat. Iowa is a vast wasteland, and it’s hell in the winter, so this Slipknot snow globe is, in some way, oddly appropriate. If a Slipknot fan gets this for Christmas, what are their thoughts when shaking it up? Are they filled with thoughts of peace, joy, and goodwill towards man? It’s possible. It’s also possible that ex-drummer Joey Jordinson’s new band Scar the Martyr might not suck. Possible, but unlikely.
A snow globe just seems like a strange bit of merchandise for a band that heavily relies on spooky imagery (in a mainstream way, of course). Instead of snowflakes, this thing should have floating 6’s. There is also a noticeable lack of goats and flying pentagrams. Get your act together, Slipknot. You’ve got a few months until you release your Slipknot Easter eggs.
Pantera – O Come All Ye Fucking Hostile
Are you ready to fuck shit up while waiting in line at Wal-Mart? Now you can get your mosh on without having to fumble around with complicated pants zippers or buttons. Represent the scene without changing out of your PJ’s. Show your teacher that you need 5 minutes alone, but can’t be bothered to put something else on. Scream to the world that your crotch smells like bad meat or good cheese. Inform the universe that beef jerky is your favorite vegetable.
These holiday Pantera pajamas must be for the diehard fans who already have Pantera’s other fantastic merch like the bro-tastic Affliction shirt, the “Southern Pride” backpack, and the giggling skull shirt. It’s actually shocking that this sweater/trailer pants combo manages to not includes Pantera’s three favorite things: the Confederate flag, pot, and/or a skull. Did the person who designed the Slipknot snowglobe also design this stuff? Did Phil Anselmo ask that they keep things classy for the Pantera holiday line? Are there currently a pile of these unsold in a Kmart somewhere in Mississippi? Does Vinnie Paul use these instead of towels to wipe up the cheap whiskey and BBQ sauce that frequently dribbles out of his mouth onto his Yeti chin? All signs point to “yes”.
Pantera – O Holy Shit
Wow. I mean just… wow. A Pantera Christmas ornament shaped like a razor blade. That’s just really incredibly creepy. How does this come across as a gift? “Here you go sweetie. You know what to do. Re! Spect! Walk! Down not across!” You’re better off giving someone dick-shaped pasta from Spencer’s Gifts rather than this. I’d rather be handcuffed to Donald Trump after he’s eaten some bad shrimp than get this. I’d rather wear Kim Davis‘s underwear like a luchador mask than get this. I’d rather take a picture of Danzig at a concert than get this.
Depression is no joke and Seasonal affective disorder certainly exists. According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. While it’s a myth that suicides peak during the holiday season, plenty of people struggle during this time of year. Will someone receiving this Pantera ornament suddenly snap after seeing it? Probably not, but it sure won’t help. Every day can be a struggle and sometimes innocuous things can send people down an emotional cave that is difficult to crawl out. Thankfully there are ways to cope for those in need. Suddenly, that Pantera sweater and flannel pants combo look a lot better. At least that’ll make people laugh.
All I Want For Krampus Is You
If I told you that this ugly Krampus “sweater” was for Nuclear War Now, would you believe me? Would you believe that it’s for Steel Panther? How about Huntress? Well, it’s technically a Century Media Records product. It’s okay if you didn’t know because, really, there is no way to know. It doesn’t say Century Media anywhere on it, but it’s sold through their website. This doesn’t have enough inverted pentagrams on it. In true super spoopy evil band fashion, they should cram as many pentagrams as possible onto the sleeves. Maybe put some candy canes around the neck. And is that a line of mistletoe dangerously near the crotchal region? Gross. Gross on toast.
Look, I know a lot of people here like the idea of Krampus. I’d say a majority of metal fans like horror movies and other scary stuff, so Krampus is a natural fit. I think we’re at the point, though, where we’ve hit peak Krampus. It’s no longer a little niche thing. It’s pretty common knowledge now thanks to the internet and a major motion picture. I think we can now gracefully let it go and move on to something else before we start getting sexy Krampus costumes at Halloween and articles of one of the Jenner/Kardashian monsters having a sex tape with Krampus. Now is the time for new Christmas mascots for the metal community. How about the Santa Buddies?
North Polian Hunger
Merry Dorkmas, everyone!