Shirt Stains: Make It Shirt So Good

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Riding shirty.

Just like how Jesse Ventura ain’t got time to bleed, I ain’t got time for intros. Here are a few random band shirts for you to point and laugh at while bits of Doritos and pizza bagels flow from your mouth like Niagara Falls.

Black Sabbath – Texas Roadhouse Bloody Texas Roadhouse

blacksabbathx4stains

Did you know that the world’s biggest heavy metal band is also now a chain of mediocre steak houses? Well, you do now. This shirt is what happens when an executive from Yum! Foods wants to “connect with the youths of today with their rock music and Facebooking and feeling the burning things.” Come on down to Black Sabbath’s Steakhouse for down-home country cooking. Get a plate of Geezer Butler Biscuits, a Vinny Appice appetizer, have a Snowblind Margarita, and dig in to a Cozy Powell chili bowl. If I play “Sweet Leaf” backwards, do I get a really good bbq sauce recipe?

Why does Black Sabbath’s name have to appear (at least) four times on this shirt. Is it because the designers knew that there’s no possible way a human being with working eyes and an IQ above tapioca would think that this is indeed a Black Sabbath shit? What does a cattle skull have to do with Black Sabbath? One might surmise that this is a reference to Ozzy pissing on the Alamo, but then why not just have the Alamo on the shirt? If you light a red candle, stare into a mirror, and say “The stars at night are big and bright” this shirt appears…and then you have to wear it to a family function or something.

Defeater – Shirt Stains Within A Shirt Stains

deafeaterstains

Defeater is a “melodic hardcore” band from Boston, which means they want to go see Blood for Blood, but they might stand in the back just to be safe. Here’s an example of their music for those that are curious. They’re probably a good fit for people that like bands like Every Time I Die and Poison The Well. The’yre an up-and-coming band in that scene, headlining small tours. Good for the them. Hopefully this shirt turducken doesn’t derail their “mosh n’ feelings” train.

The only way that you would know that this is a shirt for the band Defeater is if you saw their squiggly logo on one of the arms. It’s a distinctive logo, I’ll give that. It’s a departure from the usual bold-faced logos, settling more for a shy, spaghetti-type feel. Of course, finding the band name means that you’ve broken the trance that the front of the shirt holds you in. It’s a picture of someone else wearing a shirt and dog tags. No face, no arms, just a torso.

Above the picture says “familiar with hell.” That’s not a Defeater album title. That’s not a Defeater song title. It’s a snippet of lyrics from a song called “No Faith.” Unless you really know the band, you’ll assume that their name is Familiar With Hell and maybe the album is called Defeater. The other sleeve has some writing on it. It looks like it says “Letters Low” but I don’t want to investigate further lest I slip into a neverending chasm of poor design and non-bosomed chests.

Illuminandi – Blurinandi
illuminandishirtstains

Illuminandi is a seven-piece Polish Christian folk metal band. I don’t smell burning toast, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t have a stroke while writing that description. I’m pretty sure they haven’t released an album in about six years, but they do provide a helpful rider pdf in case you’re thinking of booking them for your next church picnic or Beards N’ Bibles Jamboree. Most folk metal bands sing about drinking and fighting. Illuminandi wants to tell you about one set of footprints on the beach.

The band’s faith is in their songs because it’s obviously not in their shirt design. They took half an idea,, blew their nose with it, and said “Praise the lord, it’s good enough!” The frame shows some detail and a little bit of effort, which makes the smudgy red blob all the more confusing. Is this supposed to be an allegory for the suffering of Jesus? A simile? A metaphor? Did someone just spill cranberry juice on it? Is that a monk back there? A druid? Striborg? Get outta here, Striborg! Go back to your ice cabin and headbutt a Casio keyboard. It’s nice that they included long snot trails on each arm. Really helps brighten the shirt right up.

Augury – Brown Tide
augurystains

 

Remember Augury? They’re a progressive death metal band from Montreal that put out an album on Nuclear Blast back in 2009. They’ve been working on an album since about 2013 and just recently posted on their Facebook page that drummer Etienne Gallo has once again left the band. Oof, that’s no good. You know what else is no good? This shirt.

This shirt looks like it was illustrated by a child describing what the bathroom at the Ramada Inn in Albany, New York looked like. It has all the charm of someone who has a “Ron Paul 1988” sticker still on their Oldsmobile Firenza. This shirt has an app on its phone that just makes fart noises.

Did the printer run out of colors or did Augury specifically ask for a mixture of browns, greys, blacks, and whites found only in the remnants of a soon-to-be-closed all-you-can-eat Indian buffet? The pokey bones and chunks would seem to confirm this. Like the Defeater shirt, I don’t think Carrion Tide is an Augury album or song title. Weird. Maybe they just think it sounds neat.

Thy Art Is Murder – Holy Shit

thyartismurderholywar

Would you feel comfortable walking around in public with a shirt that says “HOLY WAR” in huge bold letters? You’re better off wearing a “Kick Me” sign. That’s asking for so much trouble. Something like this may make you EdgeGawd666 during an intense session of Call of Duty: Basement Stench, but it has a serious chance of getting you punched in the face by a misunderstanding public. This shirt is another case of a band thinking their slogan or album title or whatever is more important than the band’s name itself. Maybe Thy Art Is Murder was ashamed of this and decided to hide their name on the sleeve.

They could have easily used their cover art for their album “Holy War” on the front of this shirt, right? Oh. Yeah, it’s probably a good idea that they didn’t do that. Amazing that their singer quit because of money issues. You’re saying shirts like this aren’t making your wallet explode like 7 Minutes In Heaven with WWE Diva Eva Marie? Shocking.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Firstly!

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Oh great and kvlt trickledown, we are not worthy.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        I finally did it…Ive been trying for months. I feel good about this…almost as good as I did when I won the Caption Contest on MS. But then I got a Cult of Luna CD and I wasnt that excited any longer.

        • Dubs

          You pud. Cult of Luna is amazing.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            PUD lol. A classic I havent heard in years.
            *Cult of Luna is amazing (ly boring).

          • Dubs

            You have made a powerful enemy this day.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I still love you W. Just got to go NO CAN DO on this one…

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I think you mean “amazingly interesting”?

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I tried…Frank I really did but I got to say: NO, NOT AT ALL. If this helps you though, I’m an old bastard, with rather pedestrian musical tastes so please feel free to discount my opinion immediately.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Haha no problem. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            LOL, I’m just playing around a bit too. I will say this, I have nothing but respect for my bros and sis’s here, I’ve grown more musically in my metallic tastes thanks to your opinions. So it probably merits a revisit because I’ve heard quite a bit of positive feedback from peeps here in the place I love the most.

          • also, the setting makes a big difference. “Vicarious Redemption” is all of 18:51 long, but if one were exercising or working on a project it could be a great soundtrack

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Great point dudeski…totally makes sense.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    That Black Sabbath shirt looks awful. I won’t comment on the Defeater one. Also, that Thy Art Is Murder shirt is as awful as Eva Marie’s wrestling ability. She makes Ezekiel Jackson look like Bret Hart when it comes to wrestling.

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers

      Where the fuck are these wrestling analogies coming from?

      • COAL ROLL

        Kevin Nash’s quads…obviously

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Eva Marie was mentioned in the part with Thy Art Is Murder. She may be extremely attractive but she can’t wrestle.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Outside of Lita, they haven’t had ANY women in the WWE that can actually wrestle.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Have you not seen the NXT women’s wrestlers like Asuka and Bayley?

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Nope. I was talking about the female wrestlers in WWE. I’ve seen some of the women wrestlers on the Japanese circuits, and those gals don’t fuck around!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        They come from what I know about wrestling. Wrestlemania weekend is upon us so expect more analogies.

        • It’s like Dagon when it comes the World Cup.

          So many Brasil huehuehuehue football analogies.

  • I remember I jammed some Augury in the past. But that shirt? Nononononononope.

    Illuminandi shirt is another bad design. A Rorsarsch Test of a bloody booger? Mothman after he was drunk with the aliens? No one knows…

  • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

    Haha, these are so bad.

    Good work 365, your descriptions always crack me up.

  • That TAIM shirt is literally the worst thing you could wear with the current world events.

  • MartBart

    SWORD OF LAUNDRY, GIVE ME SHIRTS BEYOND SHIRTS

  • Waynecro

    Hilarious as usual, 365. Thanks for the Friday chuckles. I probably wouldn’t kick that Augury shirt out of bed, though.

    • “This shirt has an app on its phone that just makes fart noises” was my favorite line. I hate those people. It’s not funny.

      • Dubs

        You don’t think farts are funny?

        • Guacamole Jim

          Link has naught but hatred in his soul.

        • I think digitally triggered farts are not funny.

          Only real farts are real.

          • Dubs

            This is fair.

          • You’re a doctor, you must understand my feelings.

          • fart hipster. frrpster

          • You can’t go wrong with the old-school smell and feeling of a black beans hot fart mixed with chocolate milkshake at morning.

            These kids nowadays with their digitally triggered farts are not enjoying life, man.

          • back when Link was young, people had to Laugh Out Loud in real life

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Bripster.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Especially farts on a crowded bus on your way to work.

          • I’m used to the stench of fellow Venezuelans in crowded buses.

            Sadly, my inner elfic racist part gets me enraged everyday of that fact.

      • Waynecro

        I agree. Honestly, I’m not very amused by fart humor anyway. I’m all about humor that centers on people’s getting hit in the genitals. If someone got hit in the dick by a smartphone that was making fart noises, I’d probably laugh.

        • Dubs

          I’ll hit you in the genitals with a fart phone if you’d like.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I’ll film it.

          • Waynecro

            Film it with a smartphone that’s also making fart noises. Layers, bro.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            We can record it with the phone hitting you in the genitals while making fart noises at the same time and cut the two together for an ultimate play by play genital crushing humor.

          • Waynecro

            WHY AREN’T YOU IN HOLLYWOOD MAKING AMAZING MOVIES???

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Because my ideas are too big for tiny little hollywood.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            And Link will provide the soundtrack

          • I will play Genital Grinder chords with my B tuned acoustic guitar ina very sloppy way.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Perfect.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I tuned my friend’s acoustic to Bb last week. He’ll thank me later.

          • knowing you, the video will be filmed vertically

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            What’s that supposed to mean?

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You’re not answering.

          • just messing with ya!

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Oooookay.
            I was fully prepared to detail how I intend to film this scene with a mixture of wide angle shots and intense closeups.

          • you don’t have to not detail that now… juejuejue

          • I’ll hit you in the fart phone with the genitals if you’d like.

          • Waynecro

            That sounds like something that might surpass comedy and become high art.

          • Waynecro

            It wouldn’t be funny if I were expecting it. Surprise is one of the most important components of genital-pummeling humor.

        • BobLoblaw
        • more beer

          Because broken balls are always funny!

  • Matt Damon

    MATT DAMON

  • Guacamole Jim

    Oof.. that Black Sabbath shirt is terrible.

    • Owlswald

      The funny thing is (and don’t get be wrong I love me some Sabbath from time to time) that shirt is stereo-typically fitting for what I would expect die hard Sabbath fans to wear.

      • I think it was a scrapped Pantera design that was later sold to Black Sabbath.

        • Owlswald

          Keep an eye out for a new Hell Yeah shirt along those same lines.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          Unfortunately, I thought the same thing.

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    HOLY WAR BY DRAGONLAND ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Yes, indeed!

  • COAL ROLL

    melodic hardcore from boston sounds horrible

    • Defeater is sawftcore

      • COAL ROLL

        sawftcoah (FTFY)

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I went to a Yankees game once and I saw a shirt that said Bahston Sawks Cack. I agree that the Red Sux do suck cack.

  • Rob M

    That Defeater shirt…its like Inception in cotton/polyester form

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Also, Every Time I Die isn’t that bad 365. I’ve seen them before and they were good.

    • Rob M

      Im going to say youre wrong on account of…youre wrong

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        The only reason I saw them was because Real Friends was opening for them and my sister loves them so she dragged me there.

    • Owlswald

      I agree. I really like them and they put on a great show.

    • if you’re counting votes, i’m in for a “they’re a good”

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Yay!

    • I never said they were bad.

  • Owlswald

    I have the desire to listen to Poison the Well now.

    • Dubs

      whynotsleighbells.jpg?

      • GAH! (btw, what is the general consensus of them around here?)

        • Dubs

          I like Treats. We used “Tell ‘Em” as the intro music for our wedding reception.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            We get treats here on the toilet? Oh boy oh boy!

          • Dubs
          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            That must have been interesting. I plan on using something interesting like either Perfect Strangers or Freebird as my intro to my wedding reception.

          • Dubs

            Freebird isn’t interesting.

          • more beer

            It wasn’t interesting when I was in high school either. Back then you couldn’t go anywhere. That some idiot wasn’t yelling for it. The more I think about it the more I hate that song.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It’s such a good song. Maybe I could play a Slayer song at my wedding or Flowers In The Attic by Budgie.

          • more beer

            You’re 20 and don’t have a girlfriend. Why are you worried about your wedding? It is a horrible song.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I like to think about it. It makes me happy.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I’m going to side with you on one thing: Freebird is a good song. Then again, over here in Europe we never got it forced down our throats like in the US.

            But…stop thinking about your wedding.

          • more beer

            Here it is like the redneck national anthem.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Over here it is just seen as a solid classic rock song.

            Cultural differences…

          • more beer

            Yes they are huge on this one.

          • more beer

            What ever makes you happy.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Well then what do you expect me to play, Sirius by Alan Parsons? How about In A Gadda Da Vida or Eye Of The Tiger? If I had enough money I’d pay to have 38 Special perform my wedding. I’d have them perform all their albums from the 80’s in full.

          • Perfect Strangers – the sitcom?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            No, the Deep Purple song.

          • You should consider it, solid tune.
            https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8#

          • more beer

            Yes because this is sure to get a new marriage off to a solid start. He is Catholic so it would be a sin for them to live together before marriage. So in reality they will be Perfect Strangers.

          • And they only have to dance for a minute to limit embarassment in front of all those people.

          • more beer

            Very true.

          • more beer

            That’s right and Balki is going to give JJD away!

          • Or maybe Cousin Larry can do it!

          • more beer

            Or it could be a WWE tag team type of thing.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Been a while since I gave this album a spin.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRuZU9hwKc4

      • Owlswald

        I just took this one for a spin. Killer albums.

  • EsusMoose

    “brown tide” hehe poop joke

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Woah, is that a reference to a certain huge-headed Midwestern hack folk singer in the headline? *holds Tyree back as his rage intensifies*

    http://cdn.meme.li/i/460x/o12g6.jpg

  • Dubs

    I don’t think the Augury one is that bad, tbh.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      It’s not.

    • DubyaWearingWhitechapelShirt.jpg

    • The band name is bad and they should feel bad.

      • Dubs

        Augury, as in foretelling evil in the future?

        • Meaning aside, I think those consonants and vowels sound unappealing when spoken.

          • Dubs

            Hmmm. This is not an issue I have, but I won’t tell you how to live your life.

          • Sorry, reading Dr. Seuss every night to my son tends to get me marble-mouthed and this is one of those words.

  • All these long sleeve shirts with prints on them remind me that I was probably a walking Shirt Stain back in the day. I had many DM shirts like that when I was younger.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    If that defeater shirt was a person it would wear a defeater shirt.