Shirt Stains – Lolfly

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Bad merch… to the Max!

Soulfly seems to suffer from Machine Head syndrome. People really dug them when they first came out, then they became a nu-metal joke, and in recent years they’ve settled into a neutral position. If you like them, you like them and if you don’t, then whatever. They exist, but can be ignored.

Soulfly was a natural progression following Sepultura’s “Roots” focusing more tribal and world music and a shift in lyrical content. In recent years, though, the lyrics have gone back to Sepultura’s roots of war and inequality. Then again, Cavalera’s lyrics were not much to write home about. Maybe those “special” lyrics can explain why their shirts are so hilariously terrible.

Soulfly – Takeadumpup
jumdafuckupstains

Have you ever heard Soulfly’s song “Jumpdafuckup”? You probably should. Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you to finish listening. That song is the epitome of nu-metal. After this song came out, they should have renamed Ozzfest “Jumpdafuckupfest”. And how does Soulfly promote this modern-day “Stairway To Heaven”? With a silhouette of Max Cavalera taking a big steamy number two.

Of all the pictures to use, Soulfly thought this was the best one. Cavalera, knees bent, ass down, dreads tossed in bowel-clenching strain. I can only assume that they went the silhouette route is so you can’t see Cavalera sweating from pushing too hard. I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that what appears to be coming out of his ass is really just his shirt, but then again, look at the lyrics they decided to put on the back of this thing. Are those the lyrics of people with good taste and judgment?

On the plus side, Toilet Ov Hell now has a brand new mascot: Squatting Max. Photoshop a toilet in there and the Sacajewea coins will come rolling in. Hell, the picture is so bad, I almost skipped over the hilaribble (hilarious and terrible) lyrics on the back. I really do appreciate that they spelled motherfucker exactly how Max pronounces it. Perfect.

Soulfly – Pew Pew Pew!

soulflyshirtstains2

You ever have an idea that sounds great in your head, but when you start to see it come to life, you realize it’s terrible and stop? I guess Soulfly never got around to that part about stopping.

Max: You ever see bullet belts?
Artist: Sure.
Max: I want that on shirts.
Artist: You want a belt on a shirt.
Max: Yeah.
Artist: Ok, I can make it look like the belt is going around the waist.
Max: No man, I want two around the chest. Like a bandido, man. Pew Pew knowwhatI’msayin?
Artist: I… um… I don’t think it’ll look good. It’s a nice idea, but it won’t translate well.
Max: Whatchu mean? Bullet belts are cool and tough, you know?
Artist: Yeah, but this is a t-shirt. I mean, you’re not going to look tough with screen-printed bullets.
Gloria Cavalera: What my Max says goes.
Artist: Alright, fine. But I’m not trying very hard. Going to leave spaces and everything.

As a special bonus, here’s another shirt with the same bad bullet idea, just in a different style.

soulflyshirtstains

This idea is the Little Engine That Shouldn’t But Still Does Anyway For Whatever Reason.

Soulfly – Do You Even Lift, Bro?

doyouevenliftstains

The artwork for this shirt comes from Soulfly’s album “Conquer”. It’s ok. Not great, but ok. The art is stretched too far and if that wasn’t enough, almost all open space is covered with skulls. Ripple skulls if we’re being accurate. Perhaps someone was eating some ridged potato chips while designing the shirt. Great for dipping, not so much for wearing. The various browns and yellows don’t help either.

The problem with this shirt lies in the fact that instead of “Soulfly” it should say “Affliction” at the top. You can tell they want tough-guy bros to wear this just by looking at the model. Dude definitely did a few pushups before the picture. Gotta get that pump on! The twin bracelets seal the deal.

If you wear this shirt, you drink Muscle Milk. If you wear this shirt, you’re a top commenter on The Chive. If you wear this shirt, you frequently say “carbo load”. If you wear this shirt, you get drunk on public transportation. If you wear this shirt, you have your picture on a restaurant’s Wall of Fame for eating the biggest burger they sell. If you wear this shirt, you have John Basedow’s autograph. If you wear this shirt, the strippers at ‘Balloons’ know you by name.

Soulfly – Back To The..Wait, What Band Is This?

primitivestains

Would you know that this is a Soulfly shirt if I didn’t tell you? Maybe you would if you knew what their symbol look like. Then again, you might know the symbol, but since it’s tucked away on the sleeve, you might not even see it. Of course, you’re probably too busy trying to figure out exactly what this shirt is saying. Pyzmstlue? Rtsmitiue? Naglfar?

Instead of splashing “Soulfly” across the chest so people, y’know, actually know what band the shirt is promoting, the shirt says “Primitive”. Yes, it’s advertising the song over the band. It’s not like it was a massively popular hit where people would know the song first and the band second like, say, “The Macarena”. What the hell is going on with that font? This looks like a bored middle-schooler’s doodle during Algebra I. Probably should’ve included that weird little S-thing that everyone used to draw. That would’ve been totally phat, yo.

It’s a shame that Soulfly didn’t use this opportunity to change their name to “Squigglefly”. Would’ve been huge with the under-5 crowd. Maybe they could have had a walk-on spot on Lazytown. Oh what could have been.

Soulfly- Hahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahashirtstains

In Soulfly’s defense, this is a bootleg. Not even on their most peyote-and-paint-thinner infused bender could Soulfly ever think of making this shirt. Ever wanted Max Cavalera’s ‘Grrrr’ face splashed all over your chest? No, of course not. You’re not a raving lunatic hiding in the bushes outside the Cavalera family compound. Even Max looks incredibly embarrassed to be on this thing. It honestly looks like an evil wizard trapped him in an alternate shirt universe and he’s desperately trying to get out.

Someone thought it was a great idea to take a promo picture of Max and print it on a shirt. In an unintentional bit of comedy, the shirt also includes the names of Doom, Pig Destroyer, and I think Man Must Die (Editors plz check accuracy thnx). Including his dangling necklace is a nice touch. Don’t edit that out or anything.

The cherry on this shit sundae is that the sleeves are completely blank. You’ve already gone this far, you might as well stretch the image to cover the entire shirt. Leaving them blank just makes it look like you wearing a Max Cavalera sweater vest. It’s as if this bootleggers goal is to embarrass the wearer in every possible way. At least the long sleeves will keep you warm when you’re locked away in a padded cell.

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  • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

    You made me sad. I love Soulfly!

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

    Here it is. Nu metal’s Stairway To Heaven. Soulfly’s magnum opus. Jumpdafuckup bro!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4Z9NkY7St0

    • sounds a lot like some Slipknot song.. (not because Corey Taylor, just because the rhythm sound).

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

        It does sound like a better Slipknot. That’s not much of a compliment though.

      • Bounce riffs. The official riff of nü.

        • Bounce riff ov the week? (of course no)

          • I don’t think W. and MSD would allow it.

          • again: of course nooo! 😀

          • Then show them your steel. That always does the trick.

            GL

          • DDubya.

            No, I fully supported Nu metal riff of the week. The Masterlord was the one who shot it down.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I would win that so easily with my knowledge of nu metal.

          • more beer

            There are no winners there!

          • I’d rather run Deafhaven riff of the week or 15 JJD picks.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I love those ideas!

          • You fucking would, wouldn’t you.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            Yes I would. It’s in my name!

          • nice name bro!!

          • Mr. Janitor is one of the most evil users here!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I sure am!

          • Of course you would!

          • Tyree

            Fuck off.

          • The Bestest Tapir

            JJD picks would probably have Nu metal.

    • Stockhausen

      I made it 23 seconds in and nearly ate my arm off.

  • “And if you’re gonna quit
    I don’t give a shit
    What the fuck, I’m a Mack truck….”

    MACK TRUCK??? ROOOOAAALLLL COOOOOALLLLL!!!!

    Hi guys

    GL

    • DDubya.

      Hi GL.

      W.

      • How was your presentation? Hopefully not bad? Was it a conference? Those usually aren’t too bad…

        GL

        • DDubya.

          I had two presentations at a conference. I made some interesting connections and was given constructive criticism by transportation leaders, but all in all, I’m pleased. Thanks for asking!

          • It always feel good presenting to the big wigs! Especially talking with people who’s material you have read over and over and over. It is neat to meet them in person. Fun stuff man!

            GL

          • DDubya.
          • After the day was over, did you all get drunk and roll coal on the libs of DC ??? lol

            GL

          • DDubya.

            I went out and got a huge gourmet personal pizza. Plus a Port City Porter. Twas a good end to the day.

          • HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW YOUR CAREER WILL BE POINTLESS ONCE WE INVENT TELEPORTERS?

          • DDubya.

            Thankfully, I’ve mentally prepared myself for becoming obsolete. When the time comes, I’ll just shoot myself.

          • OBSOLETE. That word was on the tip of my tongue and I seriously sat here in brainfart retardation trying to think of that word while writing my initial comment. Ugh.

  • IronLawnmower

    Fun fact:Those bullet belt shirts are actually just AA batteries!

  • Guacamole Jim

    “If you wear this shirt, you drink Muscle Milk. If you wear this shirt, you’re a top commenter on The Chive. If you wear this shirt, you frequently say “[big] load”. If you wear this shirt, you get drunk on public transportation. If you wear this shirt, you have your picture on a restaurant’s Wall of Fame for eating the biggest burger they sell. If you wear this shirt, you have John Basedow’s autograph. If you wear this shirt, the strippers at ‘Balloons’ know you by name.”

    So we now know that Axl has this shirt.

    • Okay the picture on the wall for eating the biggest burger sounds fun

    • Renan Ribeiro

      What’s the beef with getting drunk in public transportation?

    • Nope, top commenters in the Chive are the guys yelling loudest from the basement for mom to bring down another round of pizza puffs and Mountain Dew.
      Credit given, the Chive has some funny stuff, and does give quite a lot to charities. I sent a card to the ‘Cards For Addie’ charity before Christmas, and, well, the circumstance is sad as fuck, but I did my little part and had friends sign the card.

      http://thechive.com/2014/12/06/chivers-addie-needs-your-holiday-cards-for-her-last-christmas-9-photos/
      https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cards-for-Addie/802030406502574

    • Mother Shabubu III

      I feel like I just emerged from an inter-dimensional membrane into this one. I don’t know what The Chive is. I don’t know anyone who says “big load” unless they are referring to laundry or ejaculatory contents. I don’t know who John Basedow is. I don’t know any Balloons clubs either.

      PS: Muscle Milk is garbage. Tastes great, but isn’t the best choice for protein powders.

      • Stockhausen

        I don’t know exactly what The Chive is, all I know is they’re some of the biggest perpetrators of stupidly ripping off “Keep Calm and Carry On” and making it fit your idiot thing. And they recently started making mediocre beer.

        • Maik Beninton

          So they started the ”Keep Calm and Listen to *insert grandpa rock band*” thing?

          • Stockhausen

            Their version is “Keep Calm and Chive On,” and it kills me. They even have a big KCCO merch line.

          • more beer

            I saw a guy in a bar with such merch the other night. i was pretty disgusted.

          • Stockhausen

            Groooooss. I hope you kicked him right in the junk.

          • more beer

            No no kick in the junk, I`m more the old fashioned punch in the face kind of guy. But looking at this guy wearing his chive shirt, he also had a back chive backpack, and the silly hat he was wearing. There was nothing I could have possibly done to him to make his existence any worse than it already was.

        • Mother Shabubu III

          I DESPISE “Keep Calm and [x]” shirts/memes. Like I could start a nu metal band with the angst I feel towards that shit.

          I’m not sure what country you hail from, but if you’re from the US, most known beers are mediocre here. It’s either IPA heavy stuff, or water and corn syrup commercial crapola. It’s partially why I don’t drink.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I despise anything involving Keep Calm and (insert phrase here). It’s just trendy bullshit. I hate trendy, current bullshit.

          • Stockhausen

            I really hate them too. Especially posted around schools like “Keep Calm and Join Volleyball,” or “Keep Calm and Vote For (insert student council jabroni).” The thing that bums me out most is that the original statement is great, and the story behind it is cool. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrHkKXFRbCI

            And I’m from the US (I AIN’T NO TERRIST), and I’m a big craft beer fan. Liking IPAs helps a lot since American craft beers tends heavily toward hoppy flavors (sometimes to a fault), but my favorites are imperial stouts and dark Belgian ales, which a lot of American breweries are pulling off well.

          • more beer

            You drink well sir.

          • Stockhausen

            Mmmm. More beer indeed.

  • Warheart

    LOL at the Gloria Cavalera line.

  • I’M ON VACATION!

    Confession time: I once owned a bullet-style Soulyfly t-shirt (pictured here:) http://rockmerchuniverse.com/images/soulflyfonrlinestee.jpg But in my defense, I didn’t know they were bullets when ordering it online. I thought it was a ring of wheat or field grass or some shit (don’t know why I thought that was so cool either but I was very excited about it at the time).

  • Oh, how I miss the days before Sepultura became a 3rd rate Puya ripoff, and Max became Brazil’s answer to Ali G!

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5D-9X3ooFvo

    MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK! BERZERRRKEERRR!!
    WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MAKING FUCK!? BERZERRRKEERR!

  • I was thinking of doing a spin off of shirt stains and calling it ToiLids . But through research I’ve come to the conclusion that most band hat merch sucks and it’s usally just a black hat with band logo.

    • BLVKKBEVRD

      Like my pig destroyer hat.

      Still dope

    • There are plans to do non-shirt editions.

  • DDubya.

    I prefer Fight Milk when I’m trying to get my pump on.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwB6pNFHXZ4

    • Tyree
      • Renan Ribeiro

        I’m listening to this at the gym for the past 2 days. Now Ah-nold Schwarknapsmpsdoj blesses my workout.

    • The Battle Born NDN

      Badger Milk

  • Renan Ribeiro

    I ironically appreciate the sweater with Max’s face on it. It does, however, not trump the awesomeness of this dress:

    http://www.incrediblethings.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Steve-Buscemi-Dress-front-back.jpg

    Would marry a girl wearing this/10

  • BLVKKBEVRD

    Lost it @ “pew pew pew”

  • Hubert, The DoomGoat

    The thing on that fifth shirt says “primitive” (after his second album, named “primitive”). I also refers to the track “Back to the Primitive”, a soulful symphony describing the singer and guitarists desire to go back to simpler times.

    This is described using poignant, heartfelt lyrics. Here, Max is lamenting modern day politics, and rising cultural stagnation.

    “Back to the primitive
    Fuck all your politics
    Fuck all you wannabes
    Argh!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3LE6_y8J0s

    • EsusMoose

      Shakespearean

      • BLVKKBEVRD

        Eloquence exemplified

    • Yeah I mention that it’s from the song and even reference the lyrics in the sub-title.

      • Hubert, The DoomGoat

        Yeah, I was reading a bit to fast, sorry about that.

        • No worries. I had to go back and re-read it just to make sure that I did mention what it actually said.

    • Is ‘wannabe’ still a euphemism for ‘poser’?

    • The Battle Born NDN

      I laughed heartily.

      • DDubya.

        Hail! I was just thinking about you because I haven’t seen you comment in a while.

        • The Battle Born NDN

          I’ve been trying to read the blog as often as possible. Haven’t commented really because of the “funk” I’ve been in. All is well though.

          • DDubya.

            Well, the toilet is always here for a good de-funking.

    • JamesGrimm

      I remember when this pop’d…..was the coolest thing ever…

      • DeeSnarl

        No, actually it was terrible and embarrassing…

        • JamesGrimm

          every one was 14 once.

          • DeeSnarl

            Absolutely. My 14 was an utterly different time…

          • JamesGrimm

            late 70’s…..80’s….?

          • DeeSnarl

            Mid 80s. My music as a 14 year old was obviously embarrassing (pop metal), but I still/again love much of it, and do think it holds up better than nu metal, which is obviously not your fault….

          • JamesGrimm

            Difference of opinion and the passage of time. They both suck equally, and one is more recent.

          • DeeSnarl

            I honestly wonder whether people will look back to Soulfly and Limp Bizkit with the same innocent nostalgia I and mine do to Ratt and Dokken. Nu metal seems kinda too dark for that….

  • EsusMoose

    I for one am glad I never listened to Soulfly, but having worn camo shorts in middle school/junior high and maybe awkwardly in early high school, I feel I was only a tiny nudge away from wearing Max Calereva’s face on my chest

    • Scrimm

      I still wear camo shorts and school was a long time ago, But mine are cutoffs of my old army uniforms. I hope that’s ok.

      • Hubert, The DoomGoat

        Max Cavalera wanted to trademark Camo clothes. True story.

        • EsusMoose

          He would have gotten away with it to if not for you meddling goat

          • DDubya.

            I might have a Soulfly shirt somewhere in my closet. Not sure if I got rid of that in the Great Band Shirt Purge of 2013.

          • EsusMoose

            My old Mastodon shirt from like 2009 is still worn, not the proudest of it, but it’s good for the gym and days when I won’t see non-roommates

          • DDubya.

            I mainly wear band shirts at home nowadays. Rarely out.

          • EsusMoose

            I’m slowly fazing them out, depends on if the only clothes remaining are band shirts or not

          • DDubya.

            I feel that. I have to wear business clothing a fair amount of the week, so t-shirts aren’t very common attire for me outside of the casa. Plus, my wife likes to pick out outfits for me, and since she has better fashion sense than I, I gladly allow it.

          • EsusMoose

            I will get to that state given 2-3 years but I say nay and look like a hulligan wearing my faded band shirts long past their prime

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            We’ve had this discussion before. I really only wear my band shirts to shows. I will rock my hoodies any day tho

          • Hehe, I lost this one on my move here, but here you go!

            http://cdn3.volusion.com/twgra.kstcm/v/vspfiles/photos/LA0945-1.jpg?1391094867

            Kim Jong Un and George W. Bush talking shirts: democracy at it’s finest!

          • DDubya.

            That’s a good picture of me!

          • Keep your head up, your humanitarian work in Iraq and Afghanistan ensure your picture will be literally everywhere here in Pyongyang!

          • Scrimm

            I only own like 3 or four shirts that aren’t band shirts. I’ve thought about giving them up but I’ve been wearing them so long I have no idea what else would look right.

          • DDubya.

            As I said somewhere in this thread, I really only buy new clothes if my wife sees something she likes for me, haha.

          • Scrimm

            Someone else picking them out for me would be so much easier.

          • DDubya.

            Haha, she messaged me yesterday about some shoes she thinks would work well for me.

          • Scrimm

            That’s awesome.

          • more beer

            I`m the same way. I`m a jeans and band shirt kind of guy. But working in the trades and being my own boss, make it easy to dress however I want at work.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I had a job like that for a while. If i get the one I just interviewed for I can again.

          • more beer

            Good luck with the job. Job`s like that are the best. Mine pay`s well I made next months rent on Thursday and Friday in about 12 hour`s which is so awesome since I didn`t work at all in the beginning of the week.

          • Scrimm

            That’s awesome. Thanks, I got my fingers crossed. It doesn’t pay the best but it’s full time and right by my place so I’ll take it.

          • more beer

            A job is a job. It isn`t cheap being a metal head.

          • And chicks dig the Dubya (yes that’s me, with my ex fiance on our first date)!

            http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v220/geistimsturm/Lickitbabesmall.jpg

          • DDubya.

            Impressive!

          • Lol, basement party for a first date and my best friend’s band playing. Not so much playing as it was him drumming, the guitarist and vocalist getting drunk as balls and rolling on the floor 2 notes in, and me and her picking up the gear (and me slamming a guy against the wall and about to knock the shit out of him for shoving her earlier in the night). Fun first date!
            I have to dig through my Photobucket for pics from that night, haha.

          • The Bestest Tapir

            Wow! Mr. Un has aged.

          • just don’t have her “executed” k?

          • She got deported back, so who knows?

          • Tyree

            It’s casual Friday at work so I’m wearing a Nihilist shirt and a Defeated Sanity zip-up hoodie.

          • DDubya.

            Nice! On a rare day I’ll bust out my Intronaut shirt for casual Friday.

          • Tyree

            I had someone ask if the Defeated Sanity logo was a bat. I replied and said “No, it’s words made of letters”.

          • DDubya.

            I’ll occasionally show extreme metal band logos to people. The reactions are often pretty funny.

          • Tyree

            Absolutely hahaha, I play that game with a particular bartender at a microbrew that is near me. I ask her if she can read the logo on my shirt.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I once showed a black metal video to a co-worker. He stared at it for about a minute and then burst out laughing.

          • DDubya.

            Was it “Mother North”?

          • Guacamole Jim

            Actually, it was Immortal. But I should have showed Mother North!!

          • Stockhausen

            I usually wear a band shirt underneath a button up to work. It makes me feel all svcrvtly brutal.

          • Tyree

            All the time Bro!

          • I’m wearing a “The Sword” baseball shirt today. So it’s kinda like a metal shirt but still totally square and poser-y.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I’m wearing my Dead Letter Circus shirt.

            Fuck I am such a poser.

          • they got gud songs!

          • Mr.CustodialArts

            I LOVE when people do that-I try to decipher what band it is based on the inch and a half of font showing. #knowametalfont

          • Scrimm

            I’ve got my Ice T shirt on now.

          • Tyree
          • DDubya.

            I once found this movie halfway through on some movie channel late at night and was super confused because my ghetto tv could tell me no info.

          • Tyree

            It’s sort of a mess of a movie, but a fun mess.

          • DDubya.

            I need to sit down and actually watch the dang thing.

          • Tyree

            Definitely check it out. It’s a good time. Naomi Watts, Lori Petty, and Malcolm McDowell make it worth while.

            http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc7c5iecgT1qc0py2o1_500.jpg

          • Naomi Watts as a brunette >>>>>>>>>
            (amirite @blackbeard_s_ghost:disqus ?)

          • Lacertilian

            Once we all get buff with the TovH workout scheme we can wear Matt Pike’s shirt out.

          • My Moonspell and Haujobb shirts have survived all these years, and still have the shirt Project 1201 sent me with their promo back in 2003. The Haujobb shirt is riddled with holes, and the cuffs on the sleeves double as wrap arounds on the hands, but it’s been there since 2000!

          • DDubya.

            That’s some impressive longevity.

          • Scrimm

            I have a Neurosis shirt from 96 and a Vader shit from 97, both of which still get worrn occasionally. The Vader shirt in particular seems to be immortal.

          • DDubya.

            Very impressive. I’ve gone through too many weight fluctuations for my older shirts to still fit right (I’m much thinner now than then).

          • Scrimm

            I have that problem too with all my shirts from a few years ago. I got down to a large size for years but those aren’t working out so well right now.

          • Stanley

            The oldest piece of kit that I possess is a long sleeve T shirt from Immortal’s 2003 Sons of Northern Darkness Tour. It’s way to big and on occasion makes an appearance as the top half of my Sunday evening jammies. m/

          • Scrimm

            I have a short sleeve from that tour!

        • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

          At first I was like: “No Way”, then I was like: “Max Brolera”

        • Too late, Five Finger Death Punch has that on lockdown, bro!

        • Scrimm

          He also has a house about a block away from were we record.

          • Hubert, The DoomGoat

            When I saw Soulfly live, I was standing in the front, and he just kept giving picks to me. HE JUST KEPT GIVING THEM, HE NEVER STOPS.

          • DDubya.

            Haha, I saw them live a few years ago. The drummer from Borknagar was chain-smoking behind the kit and looked a bit bored.

          • Hubert, The DoomGoat

            I was still having a lot of fun that night though, so I can’t complain. I can make jokes about Max Cavalera for the rest of my life, but he does make fun music.

          • DDubya.

            As I’ve said, there are a few Soulfly albums I enjoy.

          • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

            He did quit almost instantly after that -> He was probably very bored.

  • Stockhausen

    At first glance, I thought the silhouette shirt was a hunched over Belschnickel. Would have been way cooler.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      It looked kinda Krampus-esque to me, which also would have been cooler, although a little misplaced for a Brazilian band

      • Guacamole Jim

        Cultural appropriation. SMH

  • The Battle Born NDN

    It makes me sad to know this dude was involved in the making of Beneath The Remains. :'(

    • DDubya.

      I still like some Soulfly albums (as I’ve mentioned round these parts before), but man has his music gotten stale lately.

      • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

        Some of the newer albums actually have their only few good(-ish) songs.
        #CorrectOpinions

  • Stockhausen

    Speaking of horrible bands, horrible concerts, and teachers not being cool, my heart soared for a brief moment when I saw an email in my school inbox with the subject line “Rocklahoma!” Turns out teachers are super neato gang, and we make our conferences fun and groovy, guys!

    • “It was like an educational TENT REVIVAL”
      barf/barf

      • DDubya.

        That’s the best/worst line ever.

      • Stockhausen

        But Joe, you’ll LAUGH and CRY and LEARN sEaUx MuCh!1!!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      This would make me laugh and cry as well, but mostly cry, since I’d want to be anywhere but there.

    • OKLAHOMAAAAAA… ARE.. YOU.. READY.. TO…. ROOOOOOOOOCK?!!?! (introduce falsetto in the final phrase)

      • CyberneticOrganism

        *gets lost backstage*

        • Stockhausen

          *finally finds stage*
          *lightly jogs out and gets incredibly winded*
          *looks out at the sea of Sears fashion*
          “Hey gang! We’ve all been rocking Common Core standards, but what about…HARD core rock!”
          *dad/jeans rock back behind him fires up with mid-tempo, inoffensive contemporary rock song*
          “Now how about those lesson plans!”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            You’ve just birthed a new (terrible) genre: #commoncore

    • At least they didn’t use Filthyhoma or something along those lines.

    • DeeSnarl

      Ugh. I’m gonna try to go to conference in March where Peter Yarrow is playing a free show…

      • Stockhausen

        Hahahaha. Dude, that show is going to get straight up POLITE.

  • Hubert, The DoomGoat

    Don’t forget the time Max and crew wanted to redo the trick of “Ratamahatta”, from Roots, and invited a Brazilian tribe to do backing vocals for a song. Now, when you look in the booklet of Primitive, you will see that this tribe look eerily similar to regular jerks, and when you listen to the song (“Mulambo” to be precise) this becomes very clear, seeing as these backing vocals are shit. Luckily Max realized this and put them as far back in the mix as possible.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t30GKdJYGA0 (Note the Nu-Metal as fuck picture in the video)

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Bass tones have come a long, long way

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Never been big on Soulfly on record but gosh-darn they were fun the couple of times I saw them. Truly glorious amount of jubdafugubbing going on.

  • Tyree

    Here is some stuff that will turn your blood black.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-EmOZ82Noo

    • JamesGrimm
      • DDubya.

        That pic reminds of a Chelsea Wolfe album.

        • Tyree

          I thought the very same.

        • JamesGrimm

          ew.

          • Tyree

            Wrong. Quite the opposite sir.

  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    My TovH friends I can use your help! So as you know my girlfriend of two and a half years dumped me about three weeks ago. She said “she loved me, but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me”. Then the night of the breakup she drunk texted me. Then the next few days I tried all I could to get her back (bad idea, I know). Then from days 3-7 she was a complete bitch to me. Then she became nice and would always text me first. On day 14 of our breakup she spotted me at church and gave me and my family a hug and was super friendly. Then she left during the middle of the service because she was “sick”. But later that night we ended up going to the movies, but the whole time she’d hide her phone from me. I later found out it was a guy and I lost my shit to be honest and she got all defensive and said she hated me and that I’m a piece of shit and to never speak to her again. Then the next day she apologized. Then we didn’t talk for two days. Then she texted me last night and asked about my plans for the weekend since I was home alone. She even asked about a few of my tweets (even though she doesn’t follow me anymore), And so last night I went on her twitter and she got mad because girls started following me. She tweeted things like “Don’t you have a boyfriend? #backoff”. And then called me an asshole over twitter because I didn’t text her back. And she also got really angry because some girl she HATES hit me up. But she also tweets about guys she’s texting(rebounds obviously). I’m in a better place than I was 19 days ago. But at the same time, I would like one more chance because I lost my virginity to her and I honestly feel like I could fix my mistakes. So now, I ask you guys, Do you think she regrets this and maybe wants me back????

    • DDubya.

      As a guy who went through an awful on-off-again relationship before meeting my wife, here’s my advice. Cut it off. Now. Stringing it along will only leave you more hurt and confused in the long run.

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        This is our first breakup actually. The problems started in November when we were supposed to move out, but I backed out. I kinda got lost in myself and neglected our relationship and stopped talking about the future. So I feel like she felt like I wasn’t fully commited. But since I’ve lost her I’ve found myself and know what I want now. I’ve actually even been saving for a ring, but I never told her because I wanted it to come as a shock.

        • DDubya.

          Honestly, dude, as an outsider, I don’t think it’s worth it. It sounds like she has trust issues, and trust is one of the most important, if not the single most important, parts of a relationship.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            She does because her dad walked out of her life when she was about 9 or 10 because of a meth addiction. And I was the first guy to ever come in and never leave her, which I take pride in because I like to think I’m a man of my word. I’m thinking I’m going to just take some time to breath from the situation and leave it up to her because I’ve played all of my cards.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            You need to leave before it’s too late. I’ve dated crazy before and it never ends well. Don’t do anything you will regret though. I’ve done that and the things I said will haunt me forever.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I’m taking myself out of the situation for a bit, but if she comes back then I’ll think about giving it another go. But I’m done waiting around.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            If you want to do that it’s your decision. Maybe she isn’t crazy and she does regret her mistake.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            She has really bad depression and anxiety. She’s also made some new friends who are all single and not very good influences. Like I said, sometime you gotta find out the grass isn’t always greener. I found out the hard way once. The best way to learn is to make mistakes. The first week of her leaving, I was a total wreck. Now I’m okay and being the best me that I can be. And I have gotta say, I like me man.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I found out the hard way before as well. I dated a girl who was very pretty last year. She was crazy as fuck but the beauty overtook my commonsense. I regret dating her more than anything.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I have no regrets. She was also my best friend and did anything to make me happy and I did the same. It was my fault I got dumped. I have a tendency to get lost within myself and care about dumb things more than my relationship with her and my parents. And what made me lost was metal. I still listen to it now, but I don’t listen to it as much because it honestly drained me and made me a hateful person. I’d also ditch plans I had with her or my family to go to concerts. I’m glad that it’s not the only thing I listen to because I needed some open mindness. I’m just trying to find some balance right now and it’s kinda hard

    • Tyree
    • From the outside looking in, it almost seems like she’s just keeping you on a leash to stop you from dating other people while she tries to date other people, or something. I’d sever the limb and move on because if this keeps dragging on it’s just gonna be worse when it eventually happens.

    • Howard Dean
    • I’d say fuck her, and if you haven’t already, don’t stick your dick in crazy. Not being high on the front porch here, but been through the adolescence puppy love thing, and it seems like she’s got some major issues herself. You’ll get and deserve better, bucko! And if you need to talk, hit me up on Yahoo at Princepoopypanties or Shaun Hamilton on Facebook.

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        I’ve gone on a few dates because I want to see what’s out there you know? I’m just gonna not talk to her and leave it up to her because I’ve played all my cards. But at the same time I’m not going to wait around forever. Sometimes you need to see the grass isn’t always greener. I’ve learned that one a couple of times on my own.

        • i’ve dated about six different types of crazy. then finally in 2014 i dated sane. odd feeling, but they are out there. (yeah she dumped me but no biggie)

        • Plenty of fish in the sea man, just let it happen. The best thing after a breakup is to cut all contact. I learned that the hard way.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I haven’t contacted her. She contacts me. And the past few days I’ve been a complete dick to her and she gets mad. And she gets especially mad because I won’t give or sell her the Taylor Swift floor tickets I bought her for Valentine’s Day. But I’m fucking holding on to those bad boys for a while because it’s sold out. And the only person getting laid with those tickets will be ME.

        • Exact way to go. Egads, I’ve been single for 7 years now, but happier for it. Not to sound like a bitter bastard, I gave up on it after several Sam Kinison-esque relationships, and the last one ended in ways I won’t talk about here (nothing bad on our end, but very personal things). It’s been friends with benefits in the meantime, which is the three words I’d rather hear. You’re young, get out, party it up amongst friends, and toss the bullshit aside.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Unfortunately I’m not one who will sleep with just anybody. I’m not a bad looking guy. I could get a decent amount of tail if I wanted, but sex is something I feel is very meaningful and should only be shared with a special person. I waited a little over a year and a half to start having sex with this girl. She was also a virgin. She’s actually my first everything except for kiss. But I don’t judge people who have sex with a lot of people. I’m just a very sentimental person and I feel like it wouldn’t be moral for me to do so because I see it as an act of love.

          • I’d definitely be the wrong one to give advise. I’m not exactly the most intimate person on Earth. Sex to me is more “let’s fuck, and have a cig and watch a movie” afterwards. I don’t get into the player cliche, but I’ve been around (especially in my journalism days).
            Either or, don’t too attached. Leave it be and see how it works out. Lover or friend, you tend to see a person’s true colors when you let them stew in their own juices rather than perpetuate an argument. It’s how I avoid many arguments to this day.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Yeah man I stopped begging and pleading. One thing Lauren (my now ex) always appreciated about me is how respectful I was/am of her. There’d be times when we’d start things sexually, but then either she wasn’t feeling it anymore or it’d hurt too much going in and never once would I complain. And I don’t know if she’ll find that in another dude. Also she really liked how I put her needs before mine. Like if we were both sick I’d be the one taking care of both of us. And she suffers from very bad depression and anxiety so I’ve always known how to deal with that stuff. I enjoy how where I was weak she was strong and vice versa. I put her through hell and back when I was playing high school football being all roided out and shit. I just get lost within myself and forget what’s really important in life sometimes. I guess this time around it was too much for her, but I think she’ll come back at some point. The only thing is, I may not be there anymore. This has really made me more mature. I even went to GAP and Old Navy to change my wardrobe because all of my clothes were either sports or metal related, and it’s time for me to get some “real” clothes. And I take care of myself better in terms of hygiene. A lot of people have been complementing me lately and I like it. I can definitely see that I’m getting a lot from this and I hope she can too.

          • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o70wMlJO3ck

            Grab some beer, some weed, and enjoy some jams!

          • Listen to this, an English version of one of my favorite poets:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2zR7brOA3E

            You’re not alone, this poem brings back so much.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Holy shit that was incredible

          • Wait a while, it changes. 😉

    • stay away. if she wanted you back she wouldn’t be playing mind games like that. also, people change so much in their mid-20’s it’s almost not even worth being with somebody until afterwards (but respek to any couple who HAS made it through that stage together)

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        Yeah I haven’t sent the first text since like day 4 of the breakup, so obviously her interest is still there. I haven’t talked about the way I feel since going to the movies on Sunday. But I am done putting in all the work. I am a firm believer in giving second chances though. So I’m just going to live my own life and if she comes back I’m definitely going to do a lot of evaluating and not let her back in easily.

    • Dude, let me preface this by saying that I’m not being an ass here , I say this with love. RUN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtXdKETotbc#t=115

  • FeelTheDarkness

    I had a band member one time string his guitar like Max with the 5 strings. Needless to say he was dismissed.

    • Lacertilian

      Always thought Max only did 4 strings after Sep.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        It was 4 and dumb

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    all those shirts are cool—especially in these days–when totalitarians are trying to push censorship b.s.—-

    anything that they dont like—probably means it’s cool
    —-
    anyways—-pro clinton totalitarians have made a deal with arabia to flood gasoline markets—so the price is really low worldwide—and totally fucking with the world oil markets

    trying to bribe people by having superlow gas price—–so they can get hillary in the white house—which is gonna be so difficult—cuz people are starting to figure those douchebags out–

    to destroy all independent oil companies—and then charge people their souls/and all rights—for a little gas=—for their tiny futuristic cars

    nu metal fans will destroy the clinton dynasty

    • JamesGrimm

      ……………..yay?

      • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        in sort of a way–i’m not really into nu metal
        but just like limp bizkit got the party going at the playboy mansion–while the little kurt cobain robot boy—tried to be “hipper than thou”—while not getting laid—-off in the corner–

        so shall those non rolling stone reading children—with cool personal style—
        create world peace and liberty
        for all time

        • JamesGrimm

          drugs.

          • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            praise jesus!!

  • This band has gone downhill, like straight downhill. Max needs to put aside his differences and do Sepultura. That would be best for all parties involved, Soulfly and post-Max Sepultura is snooze music. And yes, awful shirts that would likely be worn by one who cosumes mass quantities of Doritos and Mountain Dew.

    • Lacertilian

      Gloria needs to put aside her differences.

  • JamesGrimm
  • Rob M

    That one with the bullet belts…hahahaha!

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    I religiously collected all Soulfly albums up to Enslaved, but at Savages I thought “nah, there are definitely far more interesting bands that deserve my money”.

    He’s been a pal on my entire heavy metal journey and I’ll always appreciate that (I still regularly listen to all things Cavalera), but it is far less than 10 years ago, hehe.

  • Gurptitude

    I FUCKING LOVE SOULFLY. UNABASHEDLY.