Shirt Stains – Lolfly
Bad merch… to the Max!
Soulfly seems to suffer from Machine Head syndrome. People really dug them when they first came out, then they became a nu-metal joke, and in recent years they’ve settled into a neutral position. If you like them, you like them and if you don’t, then whatever. They exist, but can be ignored.
Soulfly was a natural progression following Sepultura’s “Roots” focusing more tribal and world music and a shift in lyrical content. In recent years, though, the lyrics have gone back to Sepultura’s roots of war and inequality. Then again, Cavalera’s lyrics were not much to write home about. Maybe those “special” lyrics can explain why their shirts are so hilariously terrible.
Have you ever heard Soulfly’s song “Jumpdafuckup”? You probably should. Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you to finish listening. That song is the epitome of nu-metal. After this song came out, they should have renamed Ozzfest “Jumpdafuckupfest”. And how does Soulfly promote this modern-day “Stairway To Heaven”? With a silhouette of Max Cavalera taking a big steamy number two.
Of all the pictures to use, Soulfly thought this was the best one. Cavalera, knees bent, ass down, dreads tossed in bowel-clenching strain. I can only assume that they went the silhouette route is so you can’t see Cavalera sweating from pushing too hard. I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that what appears to be coming out of his ass is really just his shirt, but then again, look at the lyrics they decided to put on the back of this thing. Are those the lyrics of people with good taste and judgment?
On the plus side, Toilet Ov Hell now has a brand new mascot: Squatting Max. Photoshop a toilet in there and the Sacajewea coins will come rolling in. Hell, the picture is so bad, I almost skipped over the hilaribble (hilarious and terrible) lyrics on the back. I really do appreciate that they spelled motherfucker exactly how Max pronounces it. Perfect.
Soulfly – Pew Pew Pew!
You ever have an idea that sounds great in your head, but when you start to see it come to life, you realize it’s terrible and stop? I guess Soulfly never got around to that part about stopping.
Max: You ever see bullet belts?
Max: I want that on shirts.
Artist: You want a belt on a shirt.
Artist: Ok, I can make it look like the belt is going around the waist.
Max: No man, I want two around the chest. Like a bandido, man. Pew Pew knowwhatI’msayin?
Artist: I… um… I don’t think it’ll look good. It’s a nice idea, but it won’t translate well.
Max: Whatchu mean? Bullet belts are cool and tough, you know?
Artist: Yeah, but this is a t-shirt. I mean, you’re not going to look tough with screen-printed bullets.
Gloria Cavalera: What my Max says goes.
Artist: Alright, fine. But I’m not trying very hard. Going to leave spaces and everything.
As a special bonus, here’s another shirt with the same bad bullet idea, just in a different style.
This idea is the Little Engine That Shouldn’t But Still Does Anyway For Whatever Reason.
Soulfly – Do You Even Lift, Bro?
The artwork for this shirt comes from Soulfly’s album “Conquer”. It’s ok. Not great, but ok. The art is stretched too far and if that wasn’t enough, almost all open space is covered with skulls. Ripple skulls if we’re being accurate. Perhaps someone was eating some ridged potato chips while designing the shirt. Great for dipping, not so much for wearing. The various browns and yellows don’t help either.
The problem with this shirt lies in the fact that instead of “Soulfly” it should say “Affliction” at the top. You can tell they want tough-guy bros to wear this just by looking at the model. Dude definitely did a few pushups before the picture. Gotta get that pump on! The twin bracelets seal the deal.
If you wear this shirt, you drink Muscle Milk. If you wear this shirt, you’re a top commenter on The Chive. If you wear this shirt, you frequently say “carbo load”. If you wear this shirt, you get drunk on public transportation. If you wear this shirt, you have your picture on a restaurant’s Wall of Fame for eating the biggest burger they sell. If you wear this shirt, you have John Basedow’s autograph. If you wear this shirt, the strippers at ‘Balloons’ know you by name.
Soulfly – Back To The..Wait, What Band Is This?
Would you know that this is a Soulfly shirt if I didn’t tell you? Maybe you would if you knew what their symbol look like. Then again, you might know the symbol, but since it’s tucked away on the sleeve, you might not even see it. Of course, you’re probably too busy trying to figure out exactly what this shirt is saying. Pyzmstlue? Rtsmitiue? Naglfar?
Instead of splashing “Soulfly” across the chest so people, y’know, actually know what band the shirt is promoting, the shirt says “Primitive”. Yes, it’s advertising the song over the band. It’s not like it was a massively popular hit where people would know the song first and the band second like, say, “The Macarena”. What the hell is going on with that font? This looks like a bored middle-schooler’s doodle during Algebra I. Probably should’ve included that weird little S-thing that everyone used to draw. That would’ve been totally phat, yo.
It’s a shame that Soulfly didn’t use this opportunity to change their name to “Squigglefly”. Would’ve been huge with the under-5 crowd. Maybe they could have had a walk-on spot on Lazytown. Oh what could have been.
In Soulfly’s defense, this is a bootleg. Not even on their most peyote-and-paint-thinner infused bender could Soulfly ever think of making this shirt. Ever wanted Max Cavalera’s ‘Grrrr’ face splashed all over your chest? No, of course not. You’re not a raving lunatic hiding in the bushes outside the Cavalera family compound. Even Max looks incredibly embarrassed to be on this thing. It honestly looks like an evil wizard trapped him in an alternate shirt universe and he’s desperately trying to get out.
Someone thought it was a great idea to take a promo picture of Max and print it on a shirt. In an unintentional bit of comedy, the shirt also includes the names of Doom, Pig Destroyer, and I think Man Must Die (Editors plz check accuracy thnx). Including his dangling necklace is a nice touch. Don’t edit that out or anything.
The cherry on this shit sundae is that the sleeves are completely blank. You’ve already gone this far, you might as well stretch the image to cover the entire shirt. Leaving them blank just makes it look like you wearing a Max Cavalera sweater vest. It’s as if this bootleggers goal is to embarrass the wearer in every possible way. At least the long sleeves will keep you warm when you’re locked away in a padded cell.