Shirt Stains: Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!
Whether you’re riding the wings of a golden dragon through the gates of the Dreamlands or waiting for your lost love to return from their journey the to 5 Frozen Seas, we can all agree that power metal is over-the-top. That’s part of the fun, isn’t it? Fighting orcs, traveling to distant lands, drinking mead out of various objects. Doing those things sound like a lot of fun. Wearing those things, though…
Helloween – I Really Hope I’m Not Metal
Okay, who put a bag of Skittles in the washing machine? People sometimes want a shirt color other than black, and Helloween were so happy to oblige that they decided to make their shirt two separate colors. Dear European readers, please tell me this isn’t a “thing.” If you sent this back into the 80’s, the US and the Soviet Union would launch preemptive strikes against themselves to prevent this from happening.
Let’s not forget about that picture, though. Super Christian Pumpkin Elvis With Green Nipples. I think I’d actually watch that show if it was on TV. And if I had been up for 48 hours straight, subsisting on nothing but cheese cubes and Steven Seagal’s “Asian Experience” flavored energy drink. And yes, that is a real thing that actually exists. It probably tastes the same way this shirt looks.
This shirt has the temerity to ask “Are you metal?” F you, shirt. You look like something that gets used to clean up after adult webchats in third-world countries. You look like Charles Manson’s pitch for a Saturday morning cartoon. If this is what’s considered “metal,” I hope I’m not metal.
Dragonforce – In Your Chest
You’re really asking for it if you buy this shirt. This is the metal version of a “Kick Me” sign. I don’t really wish harm to anyone, but if you see someone wearing this shirt, you have my permission to punch them as hard as possible in the chest. Don’t worry, you won’t get in trouble. Just say that you were giving them a fist bump. No jury in the world would convict you. Not even Texas and they execute people so frequently that they’re going to replace the star on their flag with a hypodermic needle.
This is the opposite of the Helloween shirt in terms of color. Is the fist bleeding or is it just gripping a bunch of raspberries too hard? Seems like a waste. Those berries could have been used for jam, guys.
Now that I think about it, this shirt isn’t even accurate. Under the fist, it says “In Your Face,” but it’s not in our faces. It’s pointed towards our chest. Or junk if you’re really tall. Unless the shirt is meant to be directed at the little kids that discovered Dragonforce through Guitar Hero. That’s totally what it is! Dragonforce can’t get money out of them anymore, so they have to threaten kids with face punches. Make sure you download their new Guitar Hero track “Operation: Give Me Your Juice Money, Dweeb.”
Moses Bandwidth – From Indonesia With Genre Confusion
When I first found this hoodie, I was all set to include it with the Grind Your Gears edition of Shirt Stains. I mean, look at that logo. All of four of them. Just in case you might forget. A band with that logo should be doing songs about grinding corpses and grinding bastards and grinding various other people, places, and things. I’m disappointed it’s not because I would’ve loved to hear the explanation for this picture.
The front of this hoodie is the epitome of power metal cheese. And why are so many power/symphonic metal works of art in blue and yellow? It’s just strange. The rose, the skull, the damsel in a dress. All that’s missing is an ax or hammer. Where did that skull exactly come from. Is that what happens when you don’t write back to her? Is this the gothic version of Fatal Attraction? “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, MOZART!”
“Surat Untuk Mozart” translates to “Letter To Mozart.” I can’t read the back of this hoodie, but I hope it goes something along the lines of “Dearest Mozart. Do you like me? Yes, no, maybe. Please circle one.”
Nightwish – Help me! Heeelllpppp meeeeeeeee!
Nightwish has no shortage of silly, cheesey, and just downright bad merchandise, but most of those tend to, y’know, make sense. Just what the heck is going on here. Is that woman actually stuck in the spider web? Is she naked? Why is she naked? Was she naked before she got stuck in the web? If so, why? What does this have to do with Nightwish? What’s in her hand? Why is the moon so big? Why are there ugly yellow flowers? What? Why? How? These are the questions that keep Stephen Hawking up at night.
This shirt comes from the All That Remains “School Of Fuck It, Use Everything.” The colors are just downright putrid. These are the same colors as your puke when you binge on Cracker Barrell and Smirnoff Green Apple vodka. Is “Dreamhouse” a Nightwish song? A Google search didn’t turn anything up. And what kind of dream house is this? Barbie’s dream house is better and closer to reality. And far less offensive to the color spectrum.
Scelerata – 404 Error Not Found
Scelerata is a Brazilian power metal band who apparently toured their home country enough to warrant a shirt. Judging by this shirt, Scelerata is Portuguese for “Murderous Clown Skeleton That Pisses On Your Ability To Comprehend.” Everything about this shirt is unintentionally funny. Look how fucking psyched that clown corpse is. He’s all “Heh heh heh me and Snipey are goin on uh date. We’re gunna go to Golden Corral and get some taters and fill-et mig-none. We’s gunna kiss and everything. Ahuhuhuhuh.”
Why is the rest of his body a skeleton, but his face is still, well, a face? Is that a heart hanging down near his stomach? Does he have hair or are those spikes coming out of the back of his head? Are those wings? How can he pull the trigger if he’s all boney? What’s that doll doing back there?
This shirt is used when Rorschach tests yield no results. Homeless people donate this shirt. This shirt has a 24 episode deal with MTV. Donald Trump was seen at a Knicks game wearing this shirt. Jaden Smith has conversations with this shirt.