Shirt Stains: Leggings

Get some man pants.

Autumn has fallen upon us (see what I did there?) once again. The leaves are turning. Baseball playoffs are on there way. Football season has begun in earnest (fuck the Patriots). Pumpkin everything is now on sale. The air is starting to get cooler. And do you know what comes with the cooler weather? LEGGINGS! What, did you think I was going to say “Hoodies”? You have to work on your reading comprehension. Leggings was right there in the title. As punishment, you must have one Halloween Whopper, one Pumpkin Spice Latte, some Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, and some sadness Oreos.

Aborted – ABORTED


Leggings aren’t necessarily gender specific, but I don’t think it’s a big leap to say that most leggings wearers are female. That’s why it’s kind of odd to see leggings with ABORTED printed on them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. People are free to like and support ABORTED as much as they want. Supporting ABORTED is your right. Wearing ABORTED merch is your right. Having to deal with people in the supermarket whispering “Oh my gawd!” when they read ABORTED is your right. Sure they can be worn by trolls that just want to shock in real-time. And yes, of course, there are “ladytrolls out there.

Ultimately, the symbol and the band’s logo are fine. Not a bad design at all. It’s not hideously colored or distorted in any way. It just, y’know, says ABORTED on it. But hey, when you need to go to yoga class and everything else is in the hamper, you have to make do.

Black Dahlia Murder – What A Horrible Night To Have A Crotch Monster



Here are leggings for The Black Dahlia Murder’s Abysmal album. I think. It’s a little hard to tell with only a small fraction of the album’s extensive artwork being used to cover your gams. The artwork isn’t continuous, so it’s a little hard to make things out. In fact, it kind of looks like some sort of horrible crotch monster is about to emerge from your nether regions with these leggings. No, Lord Groinacus! I have done as you asked! Your dankness has spread forth across the land and enveloped all those that would worship you. All hail Groinacus! All hail the mighty V shape!

BDM are known for being wacky fellas, so I hope that was on purpose. I would very much like to see BDM vocalist Trevor Strnad rock these leggings while wandering around Warped Tour, teaching the young ones about His Crotchiness, Lord Groinacus. Just set up a booth next to The Truth bus and co-opt their message. Start ’em while they’re young, Trevor. Go forth!

Amon Amarth


I’m pretty sure this is a bootleg. I mean, I really hope it’s a bootleg. On the one hand, it’s kind of weird to think that there’s bootleg metal leggings out there. On the other, I really hope Amon Amarth hasn’t commissioned a series of band leggings with poorly transferred versions of their album art. Vocalist Johan Hegg is a fun guy, but this is more of a Jared Leto-as-the-Joker kind of fun that no one wants to see.

This pair of leggings is supposed to show Amon Amarth’s Surtur Rising. “Supposed to” is the correct phrase because it manages to cut out almost all of Surtur. We don’t even get the band’s full name on the front and for whatever reason, whoever created this (in the dimly-lit basement of some former Soviet Republic, no doubt) decided to make the top look as if it were a war-torn battle flag. Maybe it was to stop from being sued? Haven’t Amon Amarth suffered enough from bootleggers? The Odinson may be the protector of mankind, but he has a blind spot for bad merch.

Rings of Saturn




Nice to see Frodo getting some modeling work, though.

Kamelot – Exercise A little


Nothing quite says “I’ve given up for the day” like slapping on some sweatpants. Kudos to Kamelot for knowing their audience by making branded sweatpants. I can only hope the backside has Eternity printed on it. Or maybe Siege Perilous. Or The Black Halo. Actually, just about any of their album titles would be a good metaphor for a butt.

Written by:

Published on: September 30, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 1011

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  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    My eyes!!! I couldn’t make it past the header image.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Randall probably owns all of these.

    • I only like Amon Amarth out of all those, so no 🙁

      I can’t find them anymore but there are some beautiful leggings for Mercyful Fate’s Dont’ Break the Oath

      • Yo those Rings of Saturn leggings would go great with your galaxy ones.

      • DUDE! Hells Headbangers has a whole shop of them now.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          I support the Rigor Mortis bodysuit

        • HAHAHAHA FUCK, do Iron Bonehead and Nuclear War Now! have them too?

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Yup because of the chick from Demona. They had them for seel at Headbash.

        • THANK YOU i was just looking for them! I swear they had don’t break the oath, it must have sold out or something. Those Asphyx leggings are an almost guaranteed purchase for me

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain


  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • BobLoblaw


  • Jack Rabbit

    the Rings of Saturn one makes it look like your bottom half was taken from tron

  • You should listen to the bands of the two guys holding me in the header image. Links below

  • Freedom Jew

    Anyone who wears leggings like these is just a horrible person, unless that person happens to be George Washington.

    • Your hyper vague jokes don’t work here, old man

      • This is like double-insider inside humor.

        • Freedom Jew

          Possibly.. or just an amazing amount of respect for our Freedom Grandpa.

      • Freedom Jew

        If you want to look like a shiksa, you go right ahead. Not in my house, though.

        • That doesn’t sound American

          • Freedom Jew


      • He could be talking about literally anybody!

  • ¡Jajajajajajajaja! That Amon Amarth legging design looks like is the Surtur who is going to chop your dick!!!

  • JWEG

    Leggings (and yoga pants) really should be left patternless. One solid colour.

    Any pattern at all is bad.


      • JWEG

        “Lady in Yoga Pants” is pretty much the future-Independent Pacific Northwest national symbol (‘bird’?). So I have plenty of experience here comparing….

        In a similiar case anyway. Apparently they’re not exactly the same thing

  • Eliza

    Why are band leggings even a thing?

  • Would wear the fuck outta some Deathstate leggings, or even jeggings if they existed

  • Waynecro

    Bro, come on. Pumpkin-pie Pop Tarts are not punishment. They’re fucking glorious. Warm pumpkin-pie Pop Tarts with a scoop of eggnog ice cream is a fine dessert suitable for any end-of-the-year dinner party.

    • You know what is very surprisingly very good? Pumpkin Spice Oreos. I remember dreading the first bite last year, then ended up killing the whole package of them

      • Waynecro

        You’re absolutely right! I love those garbage cookies so much. To be fair, I love almost anything with pumpkin-spice flavor. I got some pumpkin-spice-flavored mini cupcakes for my weekend postworkout treat, and I’m ordering some pumpkin-spice-flavored protein powder later. If my blood doesn’t smell like nutmeg by the end of the year, I fucked up.

        • Freedom Jew

          There’s something wrong with you people. Pie is the only AMERICAN way to enjoy pumpkin. Vile liberals.

          • Waynecro

            Dude, I’m no liberal. I love capitalism so much that I believe it’s my responsibility to contribute to the free market by purchasing lots of pumpkin-flavored confections from all the companies clever enough to capitalize on the fall season.

        • 1) Pumpkin Pie
          2) Pumpkin Spice Latte
          3) Pumpkin anything donuts
          4) Pumpkin Spice Milano Cookies
          5) Pumpkin Spice Oreos

      • Jack Rabbit

        I stopped trying all the seasonal ones after I ate a cinnabon flavored oreo and almost vomited, thing was so sweet

        • Cinnabon is devastating, I can’t touch those things no matter how good they smell

        • Waynecro

          Dude, I like those Oreos. My sweet tooth is a fucking monster.

          • Jack Rabbit

            I still get the chills thinking about them

          • Waynecro

            The chills, eh? Maybe your blood sugar is low. Those Oreos would fix that real quick.

          • Jack Rabbit

            Maybe…if I have…just one

          • Waynecro

            *readies insulin and tissues to capture shame tears following massive Oreo binge*

          • Wayne plz don’t do what he did and kill a package of Oreos. You need to live!!!

          • Waynecro

            Thanks for your concern McNults! But never fear: I have multiple vials of insulin at the ready. Besides, low blood sugar is much more likely to kill me than is high blood sugar. High blood sugar just gives me a headache, drives me into a blind rage, and makes me pee every five minutes.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa
          • Waynecro

            ACCEPT!!! It’s a pretty funny situation, actually. Alcohol used to drive me into a blind rage, but I quit drinking when alcohol killed my pancreas and gave me diabetes. Now the diabetes can drive me into a blind range like the alcohol used to. I have alcoholic-rage flashbacks whenever my blood sugar gets too high.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            If Alcoholic-Rage Flashbacks isnt the name of an album, it really needs to be.

          • Waynecro

            Noted! Now I just have to write an album.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            You have my axe!

          • Waynecro


  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    Hey! A topic about me.!

    P.S. Ban Randall.

    • Please ban this poser that doesn’t like real metal.

    • ¡Jajajajajajaja!

      Great job, dude!

      Hope you get to the washing machine, though. Poor Space Pants 🙁

      • Freedom Jew


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  • Megan Alexandra


    • *Aggressively slams the Tom G. Warrior “UGH” button over and over again.*

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Wait, there’s a button?!

  • Maik Beninton™
    • Count_Breznak

      Daisy dukes over leggings is on a whole different level. The RoS ones don’t compare, even if you can only put them on at half speed.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    “Made expressly for insecure men”

  • Xinen

    I work with a few chics that rock plain black yoga pants/leggings and it is a wondrous sight to behold. The flamboyantly gay guy doing the same though… haha well I’m surprised management hasn’t asked him to stop since its all mooseknuckles and grabass with that guy. Pretty funny watching the conservatives glare at him though as he couldn’t give a shit.

  • “sadness Oreos”


  • xengineofdeathx

    In BJJ we call these spats, and a lot of dorks like them. Newaza aparrel makes these