Shirt Stains: KISS Bicycle

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Insert “skid marks” joke here.

KISS will put their name, likeness, or stench on just about anything. Beyond the shirts, pants, undies, onesies, blankets, and other “normal” merchandise, the band has also slapped their name on things like caskets, condoms, wine, and a goddamn arena football team. They even managed to have their own race car for some reason. It is clear that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley love money the same way that you love oxygen. I’m fully convinced that without money, both men would cease to be. I mean, why else would Gene Simmons host a business symposium? Why else would Paul Stanley make the world’s softest coffee commercial in the history of film? Maybe they have to constantly pay some sort of Troll Toll to keep monsters from getting inside their respective holes.

While that may be a stretch of the imagination, it is easier for my brain to accept that that is the reason why KISS is releasing their very own carbon-fiber road bicycles.

 Yeeeeeeesh. That thing is ugly in any language. It’s like they tried to make it unappealing to the human eye. This is the mobile version of  gonorrhea. The Phantom of the Park drank too much KISS wine and threw up on Gene Simmon’s wet dream. There’s just so much crap in such a small amount of space. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Gene personally rubbed his painted dong all over the seat as his seal of approval.



This bike is slightly better in the same way that getting your arm crushed in a freak accident is slightly better your genitals gnawed off by a high-on-bath-salts Steve Bannon. It’s still a gross monument to narcissism and greed, but hey, it’s slightly less offensive to the eye. You take a win where you can get one. So how much does this stupid thing cost?

 

AAAAAHHHHH!!! Six thousand four hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety nine cents?! That’s….GAH! Think of all the useful things you could buy with that money. Think of all the good you could do with that money. All that money to be a rolling billboard. You can buy 8 1/2 of those stupid Slayer bikes Nuclear Blast was selling. I can’t breath. My chest hurts. I think I’m having a panic attack.

Okay…okay. It’s a fancy carbon-encrusted speedy bike. Maybe that price is normal. I’m sure it’s expensive to put together a high-performance bicycle. Maybe this is more of a vanity purchase, something that will never really be used, but simply owned. A real bike rider or racer would never purchase the entire thing. They’d get the frame or wheels and put it on their own stuff. Yeah, that seems more believable. You want to rep the band while you ride, but don’t want the whole thing. That’s fair. How much would just a wheel cost?

 

I think it’s incredibly appropriate that Sciacallo Bikes, the company selling this ode to capitalism, is not selling an official KISS bicycle helmet. Just let gravity do the work.

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  • CyberneticOrganism

    Somewhere, a dentist purchases two of these.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Would ride with Rock and Roll Over rims/10

    • Rain Poncho W.

      Don’t forget your training wheels, little rocker! m/ m/

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        Training wheels? NAY!

    • And a horn that repeats the lyric “you say you wanna go for a spin” over and over.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        Perfect

  • Joaquin Stick

    That Folgers commercial is a masterpiece. And by masterpiece I mean as rank as their coffee.

    • tigeraid

      Folgers is truly the KISS of the coffee world.

  • Howard Dean

    I like to think that the people with the disposable income to make discretionary purchases of this size have decent taste.

    Money certainly can’t buy taste, and there is a strong correlation between horrible kitsch and stupidity. I’d rather burn a stack of money than have this abomination anywhere near me. Fuck.

    • Doom Scientist

      I couldn’t bring myself to spend thousands on a bicycle regardless. This just seals the deal.

      • Howard Dean

        If I really enjoyed biking and had the money (i.e. lots of disposable income), I could see spending $6K+ on a high end bicycle. But it sure as hell wouldn’t be a bike as gross as this one. Blech.

        • Doom Scientist

          I spent $325 on my Specialized and I’m pretty happy with it. I couldn’t see myself spending anymore than say twice that much.

  • Doom Scientist

    The sad thing is, even without the KISS name on it, it would still be close to the same price.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      World’s Worst Band Creates World’s Ugliest Bike, Rich Dads Reportedly Thrilled

      • Doom Scientist

        My friend bought a ridiculous Italian racing bike from one of the stores near my place, went for just over five grand.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Ouch. I’ve got one that cost around a grand and I was pretty apprehensive about it. Turned out to be a great bike though.

          • Doom Scientist

            It’s a beautiful bike, fast and and you can lift it with two fingers but it’s so expensive and won’t survive one good hit.

      • GL

        Local Dentist Reportedly Donated Purchased Bikes To Charity, Charity Donated Bikes To Goodwill, Dentist Angered.

        • Doom Scientist

          Well, if someone gave it to me for free I’d take it.

          • more beer

            Nothing a can of Krylon and a fat cap can’t fix!

          • Óðinn

            Haha! There was this guy at my high school who nobody wanted to fuck with. He was kind of a freak of nature. He knocked out a kid in grade 11 (who was supposedly pretty tough) on the first day of grade 8. I remember he borrowed this guy’s bike, painted it another color, and said that he lost it. He would ride it around, and everybody knew whose bike it was. It was funny at time. I kind of feel bad for the guy now.

          • more beer

            That is pretty funny.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Local Goodwill Having Difficulty Selling Plastic Bike Covered In Kiss Stickers, Plans Discussed To Abandon It By Railroad Tracks

          • GL

            Local Amtrak Representatives Furious at Local Animal Waste Site Creation Due to Recent Bike Disposal, Raccoons Elated, Though.

          • Howard Dean

            Local Transient Finds Commemorative KISS Bicycle Down By The Railroad Tracks, Throws Self In Front Of The 7 Train Out Of Disgust.

          • GL

            Public Vigil to Be Held For Local Man, “Tears Are Falling” Named Vigil Theme Song, Local Bar Bands Furious.

          • Howard Dean

            Gene Simmons Suing Nonexistent Family Of Transient Who Committed Suicide For ‘Tarnishing’ KISS Brand, Seeks $4 Million In Damages.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Gene Simmons’ Black Steel Wool Wig Stolen By Relative Of Family He’s Suing For Eyesore Bike Mishap

          • GL

            Gene Simmons Dies in Freak Fire Accident During Court Hearing When Steel Wool Wig Caught On Fire. Critics Blame “ALL THOSE HOT LICKS” For Accident.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Infamous Kiss Bike Spotted Floating In Sewage Pipe By Maintenance Crew ROV Camera, Said To Be Covered In Disgusting Shit, Also Human Waste

          • Hans Copronym

            KISS Bike Makes Hobo Bindle, Jumps On Train, Travels Country, Finds Blind Girl Who For Some Reason Wants Bike, Both Live Happily Ever After

            …because sometimes hating is too easy.

          • GL

            Let me remind you of something…
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEwnfhuPJGs
            That is all.

          • Howard Dean

            My God. It’s pretty remarkable that these dudes in KISS had/have a bunch of groupies. They are disgusting on every level.

          • GL
          • Howard Dean

            I can only imagine the amount of shame, disappointment, and disgust scores of women have felt over the years when they wake up and remember that they let the dudes in KISS anywhere near their genitals. Probably at least a dozen or so suicides tied to that.

          • Hans Copronym

            Well yeah, but… that’s not the bike’s fault, really.

          • CyberneticOrganism
          • GL

            PLZ NO, I WILL BE SO LONELY
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XMU_3o5RRs

    • Óðinn

      If anything, the KISS stickers devalue it. Not to mention the rumors that Simmons rubbed his dong on the seat.

      • Doom Scientist

        Right.

  • GL

    What I don’t get is why they branded a Tri bike, instead of… ya know… a road bike that most of the population would actually buy. Dumb

    GL

    • Doom Scientist

      Because the hardcore collectors will buy it regardless.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That wouldn’t seem exclusive enough, or be as fucking ugly as that plastic contraption above

      • GL

        Surely a aluminum or carbon frame. For 6k, that is.

        • Óðinn

          Carbon.

    • tertius_decimus

      It’s perfect choice. The bike is aimed at triathletes who are shitty swimmers, shitty riders and shitty runners.

      Win-win-win scenario.

  • tigeraid

    God fucking dammit.

    I will, forever and always, hate KISS more than anything else on the face of this Earth.

  • Óðinn
  • Sid Vicious Promos

    I hate Gene Simmons so much. He’s the Trump of dad rock.

    • Óðinn

      That’s true, JJD.

  • Óðinn
  • Count_Breznak

    Well, goes great with the coffin, I guess.

  • Waynecro

    That dumb-looking bike is worth more than my car, but my car has a Mayhem sticker on it. I win.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Who gives a rat’s as about KISS merch…They lost my respect when Gene Simmons sued King Diamond over makeup.