Shirt Stains: Iron Maiden, Organic Helmet

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You’ll ride my bike, but I’ll ride yours too.

Iron Maiden are practically heavy metal royalty. Elder statesmen. Beloved by millions of music fans all over the world who are, if nothing else, loyal. Sometimes too loyal. I’m not talking rabid, Bey-hive loyal, but sometimes incapable of saying something isn’t good when it actually isn’t good. We all succumb to blind loyalty every once in a while.  We love what we love and are sometimes a little too quick to defend the indefensible. Really, I’m just trying to butter you up before goofing on Iron Maiden. Did it work?

Sticking your neck out for a shitty song, or bad artwork, or cringe-worthy shirts isn’t always necessary. It’s okay! Have a laugh! Shake your head and say “u wot m8?” Do it all with the full knowledge that you still love the band and are comfortable in your fandom. I’ll even help you get started. Take a look at this Iron Maiden road racing helmet.

 

 

My biggest question is: why? Why was this made? Is there a massive demand by Iron Maiden for racing helmets. Has Iron Maiden crossed over into the same realm of merchandise madness occupied by bands like the Misfits, Slayer, and KISS? Just slap your name and logo on anything, that’s what they say. Is Nicko McBrain some sort of road racing, chain-swinging speed-freak? Do Redcoats like to haul ass to Lollapalooza?

Here’s what the website selling this has to say:

When brand and band collides…

A ‘Maiden’ Voyage for Peter Hickman, Shoei Premium Helmets and Trooper Beer.

One of the world’s fastest Road Racers Peter Hickman, has announced a World exclusive ‘Trooper’ limited edition Shoei X-Spirit III helmet. Trooper is a Premium British Beer – Created by Iron Maiden and hand crafted by Robinsons Brewery.

Unveiled by Peter Hickman, at an exclusive ticket only TT event on 5th June, the ‘Trooper’ Shoei X-Spirit III helmet is an exact replica of the helmet being worn by Peter at this year’s TT event.

There will be a one-off production run of 666 individually numbered helmets – packaged in an exclusive Trooper Limited Edition Box Set. The box will arrive consisting of a limited edition A3 Trooper canvas art print encased in a metal presentation tin, pint glass, Trooper Ale bar runner, sticker, key ring, lanyard and retro pin badge – and of course, the top of the range limited edition Trooper X-Spirit III helmet.

The Trooper Limited Edition Box Set is available to pre-order for £799.99 immediately from www.trooperhelmet.peterhickman.net with a November delivery date.

£799.99! As of this writing that’s $1069.85 USD. $1392.79 CAD for you Canuckleheads. It’s not even a real helmet. It’s a replica! Oh, I’m sorry an “exact replica.” No half-assed Shoei X-Spirit III helmet replicas here. You know how those bootleggers love to sell fans the cheap stuff. You just know some dipshit kid is going to smash his head open like an egg dropped from a balcony because he wore this when taking Cousin Dirk’s moped out to the dirt track out by Syphilis Pond. Also, I know this is all brand synergy, but combining a beer with racing equipment is just…well, you know.

 

Sure the design is nice, but does it matter when your head is skipping off the pavement like a wayward grape falling down a flight of stairs? Since you shouldn’t wear it, what do you do with it? Put it on your shelf? Great! Totally worth a most of this month’s rent money. There are other uses for this, I suppose. It can be a cereal bowl. It can hold smaller Iron Maiden merch. You can wear it backwards to avoid seeing a Blaze Bayley video. Wear it when you go to bed just in case you have a fear of the dark. Social anxiety? Toss this bad boy on and you’ll no longer feel like a stranger in a strange land. It slices! It dices! It is definitely a good investment that you will absolutely not regret the second you buy it.

Of course this helmet is limited to 666. Look, I know it’s “The Number Of The Beast” and all that, but it would be really nice if metal could move on from a number that has no meaning. “Religion is dumb, but 666 infernal hailz blaaaaaaaahhhhh!” That being said, I’m more than okay with a big red 666 on the back of this helmet. Why? It draws attention away from the word “Hicky” on the back of your head.

I’m sure there are some people that are super psyched about this? 666 people? Yeah, probably. If KISS can sell coffins, Iron Maiden can sell replica racing helmets. People love Iron Maiden, so they might as well get a couple of pounds and quids while they still can. Ed Force One doesn’t refuel itself, you know.

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