Shirt Stains: In This Lolment

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Just when I think I’m out, In This Moment pulls me back in.

In This Moment already have been a source of comedy at Toilet Ov Hell. It was nothing personal, as I still contend that their first album has some good songs on it. It’s just that the way they present themselves and their videos is just naturally funny. I don’t actively look for In This Moment material to make fun of; it just gets plopped onto the internet with all the fervor of a deposit at the Chinese buffet unisex bathroom.

I wish I could cut the band some slack. They’ve found a formula that works. It’s lowest-common denominator stuff and I don’t like it, but you can’t argue with results. You can make fun of the results, though, especially when those results involve the auditory version of a battle with irritable bowel syndrome. In This Moment’s version of Nine Inch Nail‘s “Closer” is painful. What made them think that covering the song in such a raspy, lifeless way would be a good idea? If this song was on trial, the prosecutor would ask you to point out on the doll exactly where In This Moment inappropriately touched you. Maybe a look at their merch will make the answer clear.

Maria…you’ve got something on you…eh, never mind.
inthismomentstains

Is In This Moment’s Maria Brink suffering from some sort of head-elongating disease? Was she exposed to gamma radiation like The Leader? Is she part of the fabled melon-head clan? Did someone forget to adjust the setting when putting her through the scanner? No? Well then why is she stretched out like Jonah Hill’s underwear?

Perhaps the unnatural stretching is to make it abundantly clear that this picture of Maria is utterly terrifying. If you don’t have time to get a good costume for Halloween, you can just hold this shirt in front of your face to terrorize little kids. I can only assume her eye is bleeding because she watched her band’s attempt at creating the first ever brain molestation video. I’d ask why she was licking a gigantic black widow spider, but I just have to accept the fact that I’ll never be “sick like me”. And I thank any and all gods, goddesses, deities, and the creator of the thong that I’m not.

 

Comic Slams

ITM

 

No no no no no. No. Nnnnnnnno. Bad In This Moment! Bad! You don’t do that to a t-shirt. Don’t look at me that way! I can’t believe this is a shirt that exists in our reality. If it was just the picture and the band name, it would be perfectly fine. I mean, it’s not like they’d include the rest of the band members on the shirt when they’re too busy blending into the background of all music videos and promo shots, but it’s still fine. The picture wasn’t good enough, though, as someone somewhere decided to scoot all over the shirt, leaving a streaming streak across the chest. Way to ruin comic books, In This Moment.

The head-scratching lines, presented in all caps for some reason, come from the band’s song “Blood”. You wouldn’t be wrong, though, to assume that the song was called “BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD” because it’s on this shirt three fucking times in the goofiest font this side of Wingdings. Why is it 11 cents and “issue” #11? I don’t know. You probably don’t know. I’d say Maria might know, but she’s too busy eye-fucking the life-force out of everyone that looks at this shirt. She’s not that easy, but she’s ready to take a bite out of your buns with that look.

In This ClipArt
itmshirtstains

Hey, what a shocker. It’s an In This Moment Shirt that only features Maria. I wonder if the rest of the band cares. As long as the sweet, sweet Washingtons keep rolling in, probably not. At least she brought friends along this time. We have giant, translucent Mothra, an outline of a factory, either a wilting flower or possibly and artichoke, and Alien Ant Farm‘s symbol. That sounds like the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Did the designer get paid by the picture for this shirt? Were they just fucking around with ClipArt when they were on the phone with their significant other and then accidentally hit send? I can’t imagine In This Moment demanding all of this random crap on there shirt.

In This Moment: (ssssssnnnnnniiiiiiiiifffffff) Wooooo! Okay, bro, let’s get this thing going. We’ve got a couple hundred screaming teenagers in need of a new shirt.
Designer: Sure. What would you like?
In This Moment: Maria, obvs.
Designer: Obvs. What else?
Nameless ITM member #1: A butterfly.
Designer: Sure. That can work.
Nameless ITM member #2: An outline of a factory!
Designer: Wait, what?
Nameless ITM member #2: Oh, oh! And make it so that Maria’s body is in it so she looks like her shoulders are straight out of a 1980’s power suit.
Designer: Hold on, guys, I don’t think…
Nameless ITM member #3: Alien! Ant! Farm!
Designer: Can we all just calm down for a second.
Nameless ITM member #4: (sssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffff). Alright man, you got this. We’ve got to go before our shirts get any itchier. Feel free to put whatever else you want on it. Maybe some spiders or artichokes or whatever.
Nameless ITM member #2: Man, is anyone else’s shirt itchy?
Nameless ITM member #1 Fuck, it’s just so hot and shit.
Nameless ITM member #3: Alien! Ant! Farm!

 

Whoracle
itmwhorestains

Huh. Well…I…hmmm. I’m really not quite sure how to approach this shirt. It’s a cartoon Maria with a dunce cap on that boldly says “WHORE”. She’s topless and covered in bloody paper (I think). Also, she’s wearing a bowtie. What’s with the blood fixation? Someone is going to get a staph infection. The placement of this picture makes it look like the wearer has the strangest and most confusing erection possible.

I guess ITM is trying to take the word “Whore” back. I suppose that’s admirable. It’s better than them trying to take back a racial slur or something. The message may get a little lost with the bloody, naked Maria, but hey, what do I know? I’m not the one in the giant dunce cap. Perhaps, some young people will see this and be inspired to not use the word. Yeah, that’s the ticket. In This Moment are a great influence on both kids and adults alike, using their powerful message to create a better world in which we can all…wait. Is she smoking a cigarette? In This Moment are monsters.

In This Hentai
mariashirtstains

I’m beginning to see a pattern with these In This Moment Shirts. Maria? Check. Is she a cartoon? Check. Is she topless? Check. Does she have a stupid hat on? Check. Is She smoking? Check. No other band members? Of course that’s a check. Just think: There are people out there that have been paid to draw Maria naked. It’s nice to find work that you love.

I’d say the flowers are a nice change of pace, but I have the sneaking suspicion that they’re supposed to be symbolically sexual as well. Did someone in the band flip through a Georgia O’Keefe book and say, “We need more flower-ginas on our shirts”? One thing I do like about the drawing (besides the ample bosoms) is how the Maria cartoon is blowing out smoke. It makes it look like she’s sucking out the soul of the band’s name. Wow, this shirt is far more poetic than they probably intended. When you think about it, it’s actually beautiful. I mean it’s not big, heaving, cartoon jumblies beautiful, but it’s pretty good too.

Checking the FitBit that Joe implanted into my brain when I first came on board, this is my 100th post. Thanks for reading my nonsense, everyone. I really do appreciate it Hope they made you laugh (well, the one’s that were supposed to make you laugh). Here’s to another 100 posts.

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  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    The world would be a better place if there was just more flower-ginas.

  • Mother Shabubu 8
    • CyberneticOrganism

      “They’re eating her… and then they’re going to eat me! Ohhh myyy gooooood!”
      *fly crawls across face*

  • Tyree

    It’s like Oprah magazine for fucks sake. Wonder who will be on the next In This Moment shirt?

    • 10/10

    • Óðinn

      ~~~

      • more beer

        What more could you ask for in a magazine?

        • Óðinn

          Beer?

          • more beer

            okay you got me there.

        • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

          Exploding lesbian zombies, and dinosaurs with machine guns?

          • more beer

            I would hope the lesbian zombies would be squirting and not exploding.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Shitty band. Nice tits.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    TITS! BOOBS! LADY-THINGS!

    And congrats on your hundreth boob.. I mean post.

    • He gets to join the Platinum Club now. The Platinum Club involves an extra serving of sour cream in the cafeteria.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        We. Have. A. Cafeteria!?

        • Vote for Jeb

          Americans only.

          • Dagon

            BOO

            THE MEXICANS WILL RISE

          • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

            The South (Of The Border) will rise again!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            American coffee is shit anyways.

          • Spear
          • omg…

          • OldMetalHead

            Agreed, but it’s certainly better than it used to be, although, not in your typical cafeteria. The best coffee (espresso) I’ve had was in Italy

          • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

            Turkish coffee >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>..

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            That’s racist.

          • Vote for Jeb

            No, just exceptionalist.

          • I will clean the place, I think I would be paid better than in Venezuela 🙁

          • KJM

            After all, he didn’t specify only North or South America. ; )

          • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew
      • KJM

        Is that like the fabled 5 Timers Club on Saturday Night Live?

      • Live shot of the ToH Platinum Club.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Nice. So even Leif got invited.

          • Dagon

            Joe don’t care about no brown bear people.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Leif is American.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Leif’s a fricken polarized bear. Ain’t never seen no american-speaking polarized bear.

          • Vote for Jeb

            He’s a naturalized citizen. I saw him in Albuquerque.

          • more beer

            It’s pretty hot in the 505 for a polarized bear.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Agreed. I went in spring, but I hope they have proper covering for those guys during summer.

          • Tyree

            Off topic here, but I just got a bottle of Weyerbacher
            Blasphemy. Ever had it? QUAD aged in bourbon barrels.

          • more beer

            No but I have to try any beer called Blasphemy. I will make an effort to find these.

          • more beer

            Hey I just ran into

          • more beer

            Opps beer! I just ran into Ethan from Primitive Man, Outside of his dispensery job. Asked him about new music. He said a split on a couple of months. As soon as the label.lets them they are getting ready!

          • xengineofdeathx

            Nice fucking guys those primate man dudes.

          • more beer

            Yes they are. Always willing to talk to their fans.

          • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

            “Why would there be a penguin in a wheat field?!?!?!”

            https://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz2c11BsXJ1qcxqjno1_500.jpg

        • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

          I thought it was more like The Double Deuce from Roadhouse.

  • Dagon

    Thanks for keeping it 365 hunnid since day 1. Lots of laughs were had and there’s much more to come.

    http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii32/unglamorouslife/GRAPHICS%20MAIN/cute%20animated%20comments/congratulations.gif

  • Herr Schmitty

    This is bad. Reaaaaaally bad.

    Sad story, guys: When I first got released from the joint, I had my friend bring me to a Best Buy so I could pick up a few CDs- the thing I missed most was listening to music, and I wanted to try some stuff out.

    One of the 3 CDs I got was the 2012 In This Moment CD, whose name I now forget. I bought it on the strength the single ‘Blood’ (sincerely one of the better songs I heard on the radio during my stretch, although I fully acknowledge that’s not saying much!) I regret this purchase and its place in my discography… and I rarely regret album buys. #ToiletOvConfessions.

    • JJM

      were you all “this is what happened to music? back to the joint i go…”

      • Herr Schmitty

        Damn near it! I got Periphery’s first album as one of the other 3, though, and that restored my faith in humanity. (cue groans from the peanut gallery)

        I will never not love/worship ‘Racecar.’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGyPwkfmk4g

        • JJM

          <3 you, Schmitty

        • Sir Tapir The Based :]

          I fail to see how a Periphery album would do anything good.

          • Herr Schmitty

            I love you, Tapir, but we’re going to have to fight now. Please don’t bite the nards.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            The nards are my first target. But I won’t bite them, I’ll stab them.

          • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew
          • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

            The music is decent, but that vocalist squirts one long, steamy, emo-y turd all over it.

        • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

          Groannnnnnn

        • Count_Breznak

          So much for the resocialization.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          Dude Periphery? Id take the fucking Eagles over Misha…

  • #Team365 #100posts #365DaysOfHorrorVenezuelanFanClub

  • CT-12

    Cheers for 100, 365DOH! You are a badass!

  • Waynecro

    Congrats on the 100th post! Great stuff as always. Whenever I order a new shirt, I first ask myself whether the shirt is something that might appear in a Shirt Stains. It’s kind of like a WWJD to prevent the purchase of laughably bad metal shirts.

  • Pierre Generic

    One good thing about ITM, suck slightly less than Butcher Babies.

  • Óðinn
  • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

    Looks like Maria’s been raiding the Pet Shop Boys’ hat collection.

    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/qTZ-w1LHrk0/maxresdefault.jpg

    http://www.kompaktkiste.de/cover/psb/cdpcsd143cd13.jpg

    And for that, no, they can’t forgive her.

  • xengineofdeathx

    These are some truly cringe inducing shirts. It’s like what your grandma gets you for Christmas because she knows you like Metallica. And you say you wear it all the time because you don’t wanna be an asshole. I AM glad my grandma still sends me presents though, even though I’m about to be 30.