Shirt Stains: Hockey Jerseys

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You better believe you’re droppin’ the gloves.

Hockey playoffs are now in full-swing, and I am psyched. My New York Rangers are currently facing the Pittsburgh Penguins, and it’s been a competitive series so far. Hockey is the best sport, and I’m not just saying that because I played it for about 20 years. Is there any professional sport better? Baseball? Nah. Basketball? Come on. Lacrosse or Rugby? Bro. Soccer? This is America, pal. Golf and tennis? Get out. No, seriously, get out. The only sport that comes close is football. Football players don’t need to learn how to move on a sheet of ice on thin blades. Also, there’s no out-of-bounds in hockey to run to safety. Yup, hockey is pretty great. Leave it to metal bands to try to ruin it with bad hockey jersey merchandise. Oh, and hilariously bad tribute songs.

 

Misfits – Some Kinda Skate
misfitsjersey

Did you know that this is a Misfits product? I know, it’s hard to tell, what with the lack of Misfits logos, the Crimson Ghost symbols, and the Misfits font. If this were any more Misfits, it would come pre-soaked with Jerry Only’s taint sweat. Initially, I thought that the “Famous” printed on this jersey/long-sleeved shirt hyrbrid was a reference to the band’s album Famous Monsters and someone just forgot the “Monsters” part. The Misfits actually have a partnership with the clothing company Famous. Y’know, that company with the giant, slanty bubble F that people that like motocross and skateboarding wear.

The partnership may seem a little odd on the surface, but Famous was created by Travis Barker, the drummer most famous for playing in The Aquabats. It also explains why a band from New Jersey would have a hockey jersey based off of the 1990’s Wayne Gretzky-era Los Angeles Kings. The New Jersey Devils have been terrible for the past few years, so that’s probably a good call. Sadly, they didn’t use the wonderfully 70’s purple-and-yellow Kings jersey design.

All that being said, there’s no real explanation for why this jersey-shirt is so hideous. Does the Misfits name need to be on both sleeves? Do they think they’re a death metal band or something? Does “Famous” need to be on the front twice? I do like that the Crimson Ghost is wearing a little crown. That’s adorable. I can only imagine that the back is just a picture of Jerry Only and Travis Barker sitting on a pile of money while former LA King Marty McSorley assaults someone with his stick.

Slipknot – 2 Minutes For Sucking
slipknotjersey

If you’re 555, then this hockey jersey is shit, shit, shit. Is that blobby banana slug an official Slipknot symbol? It’s actually a double-sided goat/abomination that kinda sorta looks like an “S”. Why not use the standard back-of-your-notebook S symbol instead? That’s the more recognizable symbol anyway. The goat slug looks like a big glob of snot that you haven’t wiped off yet. They love that nautical symbol behind it so much that they decided to print it all over the shoulders for some reason. It makes it look like the floral print on your grandmother’s table cloth.

The back of the jersey has “Negative 1” on the name plate. That’s… that’s not a name. That’s a statement. That’s a strange song title choice to use as a name. How about using one of the band member’s names? Maybe because they didn’t want a warehouse full of unsold “Crahan” hockey jerseys. Wouldn’t “-1” be better as the number for the jersey instead of XIX? Do they even teach roman numerals in school anymore? Will Slipknot fans see this and think it says “Zix”? The whole thing I think is zix.

Metal Blade Records – Hot stuff coming through!
metalbladejersey

Clothing promoting record labels seems a little odd. On the one hand, you want to support something you like and help promote it. On the other, you’re probably not going to like everything the label puts out forever. Shirts and hoodies are one thing, but a hockey jersey is a little specific. I’m sure there are some people reading this that would kill for the chance to wear a Profound Lore football jersey or an Iron Bonehead tube top. Metal Blade head Brian Slagel is a huge hockey fan, going so far as to join the ownership team for a minor-league team. It makes sense that Slagel would want Metal Blade to have hockey jerseys. It doesn’t make sense that the jersey would look like the outfit of a creepy guy doing Smashmouth at karaoke.

Fire can work on a hockey jersey as seen by the Calgary Flames and their kick-ass pre-game 3D video sequence. It’s important not to overdo it. This jersey treats flames like the piss of a drunken frat boy. “Fuck it, it has a mind of it’s own and just goes everywhere! Hope my parents don’t use the boat house any time soon! I love you, bro!” Flames on the sleeves, flames on the front going in a weird direction. It’s a flame orgy and your sex-life isn’t invited! The only thing missing from this female-repellent is dice-shaped buttons. One skull? Nah, let’s have two skulls! While we’re at it, let’s use a real shiny material for the jersey that no pro team actually uses. Gotta be comfortable when you’re belting out a rendition of “All Star” to a crowd of uncomfortable onlookers.

Iron Maiden – The Tripper
ironmaidenjersey

In fairness to Iron Maiden, this is not an official piece of merchandise. If Bruce Dickinson ever saw this hockey jersey, he may just stay up in his plane forever, refusing to touch down on the planet that spawned this bad acid trip. My guess is that this jersey was created for an adult league full of guys that like cheap beer, bratwurst, and NFC North teams. I appreciate their love of Iron Maiden and wanting to incorporate the band’s artwork into their team. The hockey stick used to hold up the Union Jack? Creative! Making the debris Eddie is standing on look like an ungodly pile of shit? Well, I guess that’s creative too, though probably not their intention.

Did they need to include the grim reaper? That seems like a bad omen for a sport with blades, sticks, and pucks that can go over 100 miles per hour. As if all that isn’t enough, the sleeves have services stripes and Iron Maiden’s A Matter Of Life And Death logo? That album came out in 2006. The Trooper appeared on Piece of Mind which came out in 1983. Now you’re just screwing things up. I’m not positive, but are those 666’s on the shoulders? Now we’re going back to 1982. Sigh. I guess we should be happy they didn’t use the art from Dance Of Death. Yeeeeesh.

Five Finger Death Punch –5 minute major for Getcha Pulling
ffdpjersey

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill it! Kill it with fire, guns, knives, cars, trucks, buses, tanks, plane malfunctions, bombs, lasers, drowning, blunt force trauma, acid, hypothermia, electrocution, food poisoning, dysentery, choking, syphilis, auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap, really bad heartburn, toxic shock, allergic reaction, and watching every Tyler Perry movie in one sitting!

There’s so much going on with this hockey jersey, and it’s all terrible. This jersey could be used in the Scared Straight program. It’s like a mashup of of worst parts of NASCAR, bicycling, and regrettable tattoos. This jersey is what you get when you consume your 10,000th Monster Energy drink. It’s disturbingly appropriate that the sleeve says “DP” because no matter how you look at it, you’re in for an unpleasant and uncomfortable ride.

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  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I would buy the fuck out of a Grand Belial’s Key football shirt.

    • You’d fit right in with the backwoods trash that throws bananas at black players.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        Yeah, you’re right, the fact that I like a band means I have an irrational hatred for people based on the level of melanin in their skin.

        • Oh right. I forgot, with GBK you wanna advertise on a shirt that you hate Jews, not black people. Got it.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            My grandmother was a holocaust survivor.

          • Then why the fuck would you want to support some nazi bullshit.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Buying a shirt isn’t exactly the same as going around lynching people.

          • True, but by buying a shirt you’re also helping to financially support the type of dudes who support that kind of shit.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I’m not actually going to buy a fucking GBK shirt, I was making a stupid joke about one of their members being a football player, which apparently makes me a nazi.

          • I had no idea one of the members played football so that flew wayyyy over my head, haha.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Being accused of nazism has really ruined my day, maybe next time I’ll keep my stupid mouth shut.

          • typing out jokes ain’t easy. you’re a funny son of a bitch, but i also didn’t catch the joke.

      • my mind is kind of blown, if that actually is a thing. anybody who watches hockey and thinks “this sport needs LESS black people” needs to switch medications.

        • It’s been a problem in soccer. Never heard of it with hockey.

          • crap, i have made an error in confusing sports.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I read an article a few days ago where black and latina players walked off the (soccer) field after people starting chanting “Donald Trump” at them and throwing things. Those are even bigger assholes than drunken Cubs fans, which is really saying something.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I fucking hate soccer and the majority of soccer fans in this country are drunken, casually racist hypocrites who would shit themselves and run if a black person even looked at them.

        • I played Hockey for 9 years in school as a goalie. Kevin Weekes was one of my favorite goaltenders at one point when I was living in NC. He was one of the very few black players at the time.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Where did this happen?

  • RustyShackleford

    *purchases every jersey*

    • Vault Dweller

      Those are… kind of OK, actually!

      Could be my pro-Bruins bias shining through tho, since the fans behind them are clearly individuals with quality taste.

  • Rob M

    I find it kind of sad that the Slipknot shirt is actually the least offensive design on this list

    • RustyShackleford

      HANRAHAN! SUZANNE SUCKS PUSSY!
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7tvfdSjRE4

      • CLASSIC!!! I used to play hockey in that arena. Cambria County War Memorial Arena is only 40 minutes away from me.

        • RustyShackleford

          Awesome! They filmed some in Syracuse also.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Old time hockey, eh coach?

      • “They brought their fucking toys with them!”

      • SheWölf

        I’M LISTENING TO THE FUCKING SONG!

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          Haha…a freaking classic I need to see again soon.

      • SheWölf

        Seriously though, the middle Hanson looks like Kylo Ren.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          totally..

      • more beer

        The foil!

  • Vault Dweller

    Only semi-related to the article: Hockey remains the best- even their referees are badass. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaCcB30Zc2Q

  • Dubs

    I’ve never seen a good band jersey. They’re always terrible.

    • like hockey fans themselves: either not interested or full-fledged maniacs
      (this is not an insult, friends, hockey >>>>>>>>>>)

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        I’m not much of a hockey fan, but hard not to be pumped watching my town/greatest city in America (Chicago) slaughter all the other teams year after year. It was funny a few years back when Bruins fans came to town and witnessed their team getting creamed in the playoffs. We were even big enough dicks to play their own song (Chelsea Knife) last time we won the playoffs and had the victory parade.

        • Joaquin Stick

          Chelsea Knife… lol. Am a fan of the team but I am so fucking sick of that song.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I like Dropkick Murphys, and have for quite a while, but yeah, they drove that goddamn song into the ground. Same with ‘Gold On the Ceiling’ years back, which was an awful song/band to begin with.

          • Pantera recorded a song for the Dallas Stars back when they had their Stanley Cup win. I don’t even pretend to follow hockey but I’m pretty sure they’re still using it.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I didn’t know Dallas had a team, actually.

          • more beer

            They used to be the Northstars until they relocated.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Haven’t heard of either one, but then again I’m a fairweather hockey fan. I only pay attention if the Blackhawks make it to the finals, so my knowledge of the game is pretty limited.

          • more beer

            They were a team since 1967. They moved to Dallas in 1994. Then shortened the name to Stars.

          • Keanu

            Not to mention Guy Carbonneau, one of the Stars players at the time, threw the Cup off Vinnie Paul’s balcony hitting the lip of the swimming pool and dented the fucking thing.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Chelsea Dagger is some band called The Fratellis. Another song that got pounded into the ground and became a major annoyance because of a Chicago sports team? Don’t Stop Believing. Ugh. The worst.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I can’t get enough Journey, so I was perfectly fine with that! That was when the White Sox won the World Series and the South Side ruled the town for the day, even in Wrigleyville. All thanks to everyone’s second favorite Venezuelan (Link is first place), Ozzie Guillen.

            http://i373.photobucket.com/albums/oo177/porkyss/Ozzy%20Guillen/ozzie-guillen-choke.jpg

    • SheWölf

      These guy are probably the one of the only bands that should have their own jerseys… http://youtu.be/zhTCg7WZHiU

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I almost bought a Fear Factory jersey online once.

      • Dubs

        It’s good you didn’t.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I have a custom New Orleans Hornets jersey and a Tebow jersey though.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I have this Sepultura soccer one. It’s almost 20 years old now so it has become a winter pyjama top

  • hieronymus bossk

    Hockey is the most metal sport. This was a minor pro team.

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    • Watched this the past week. Such a classic.

      https://media.giphy.com/media/sk4DVi70JbZQY/giphy.gif

      • Óðinn

        Yes!

          • sweetooth0

            I’m pretty happy with my old anchor bay bluray disc.

          • I don’t even own the bloody thing at all. Do you recommend a certain version?

          • sweetooth0

            I suspect the Scream Factory version has a slightly better transfer (less DNR), but the Anchor Bay disc has a surround sound track whereas the Scream one is more of a purist mono track. The Anchor Bay disc is out of print now, so it’s stupid expensive online, but at the time I got it dirt cheap, and it was to be had for usually around 10 bucks while the Scream Factory one was usually 20+ You might find the Anchor Bay disc in a brick and mortar store, but if you’re ordering online, go with the Scream one for sure. Here’s an exceprt from Blu-Ray.com regarding the transfer: Day of the Dead is presented on Blu-ray courtesy of Scream Factory (an imprint of Shout! Factory) with an AVC
            encoded 1080p transfer in
            1.78:1. Fans of the film will know that Starz/Anchor Bay released
            a generally nice accounting of the film on Blu-ray several years ago. This Shout! release is being touted as coming from
            an “all new film transfer”,
            and there are some subtle but noticeable differences between this and the Anchor Bay release. The aspect ratio here is
            obviously slightly
            different, and a minimal amount of information has been lost, which nevertheless may bother some videophiles. The
            palette here looks quite a
            bit warmer to me
            than on the Anchor Bay release, with flesh tones especially ruddy in comparison to the previous release. Fine detail may
            be marginally
            improved here, but it’s an incremental improvement and one which doesn’t appreciably improve the sharpness or clarity of
            the film (if I were able to, I’d probably give this a 3.75 rating to indicate a bump up from the Anchor Bay release). The
            opening
            several minutes of the film, which include the credits, is one long optical and looks quite soft in comparison to even the
            rest of the film, as do the
            other opticals (as should be expected). The rather
            amazing makeup and other special effects look marvelously gruesome in this offering. One thing
            that frankly surprised me here was the relative lack of grain, especially in the many darker scenes, something that seems
            to be at odds with the
            rather aggressively pushed contrast on display here. Make no mistake—there is definitely fine grain
            here, rolling quite naturally through the image, but it’s very fine and tends not to spike at all in the many shrouded
            sequences scattered
            throughout the film.

          • Rad dude, thanks for looking into this for me.

          • sweetooth0

            no problemo. basically, if you can get the Anchor Bay disc for cheaper, you’ll be happy with it. Otherwise, go for the Scream Factory disc. It has a cool cover too.

          • sweetooth0

            check out https://caps-a-holic.com to see a comparison of the transfers.

          • just get the 2008 remake interpretation film of the same name featuring Nick Cannon (*swallows cyanide pill*)
            http://www.imfdb.org/images/thumb/d/d9/NickCannonActor.jpg/400px-NickCannonActor.jpg

          • Is it worse or better than Drumline?

          • Stockhausen

            It’s impossible to be worse than Drumline.

          • your life is that movie, rite?

      • Man, Bub could really use some metal patches on that jacket.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    It’s been competitive? Down 3-1 in the series and just lost 5-0.

    • Keanu

      Haha, I was thinking the same thing when I read that.

  • Stockhausen

    First of all, soccer is the best sport. Secondly, that lion on the FFDP jersey looks so nice. (In the voice of the narwhal from Elf) “Hey guys!”

    • Its like they ran outta funds to finish the design, lol.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      enjoy an upvote but no…untrue.

    • SheWölf

      Why don’t I know what the narwhal from Elf sounds like?? I am missing out… 🙁

      • Stockhausen

        Well, only life loving Christnas appreciators like myself are into that kind of thing.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      I have a Mexico soccer jersey, which is the only sports clothing I own.

      • Stockhausen

        I like your style.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          It’s in the drier right now, but I’ll take a pic of it later. Many memories with that thing.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Almost forgot, but here it is!

          • Stockhausen

            Nice! I approve of this sportswear.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I’ve had for 5 years now, but now it’s a perfect “Fuck Trump” salute. 😉

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Are you still playing?

      • Stockhausen

        Indeed! Currently playing indoor on Thursdays and outdoor on Sundays.

  • The Metal Blade jersey looks like it could very easily be turned into a dress.

  • Dubs

    #dubsfact: I do own a Metal Blade trucker hat I bought five or so years ago at Mayhem for a few bucks.

    • #flatbilledlyfe

    • i still own a Pig Destroyer trucker hat

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I own this hat

  • Owlswald

    The average price for one of these at the merch booth is what… $100?

  • SheWölf

    I thought Ricky Fitness was the drummer for the Aquabats…

    • Travis Barker played on The Fury Of The Aquabats album under the name Baron Von Tito.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    GO BLACKHAWKS!!!!!! All other teams are run by little girls.

  • Nina Osegueda

    I actually own the official Iron Maiden hockey jersey. That being said…

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    I don’t know which is worse, the Misfits jersey or the guy wearing it having what appears to be a peeled banana tattoo on the side of his neck.

  • Sports arent real unless youre the one playing them

    • Keanu

      Or gambling on them…then shit gets very real.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I like the Misfits and Slipknot ones. Also, the Devils are my team.

  • Waynecro

    Those clever Slipknot jokes earned you 10 cool points, buddy. Nice work.

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  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Confession time, I used to own this. I bought it on impulse and wore it once or twice but I felt pretty silly wearing it so I sold it to a mate

  • Keanu

    I’m a huge hockey fan so I have jerseys from Slayer, Crowbar and Overkill. Also this…

  • Keanu

    Almost forgot to mention, Ted Nü-Djent ™ sent me here!

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    From wisdom to hate: