Shirt Stains: Happy Nü Year

1991
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Probably coming to The Chance in Poughkeepsie soon.

You’ve probably already broken you New Year’s resolutions. You’ve said things you shouldn’t have said. You’ve lashed out in anger. You already stopped going the gym. Your horror short story remains unwritten. You’ve jammed your face-hole with pizza rolls and Hungry Man XXL dinners. You’ve sucked down 10 Super Brew 15’s and worn your undies as a mask while trying to wrestle strangers. You promised you were going to your friend’s show and knew full well that there was no fucking way you were going to that shit. You had improper thoughts about Flo from Progressive even though you promised your significant other that you’d stop. Luckily for you, you can keep your resolution of not wearing these cringe-worthy shirts from Nu-metal bands.

Mudvayne – Lolz.D. 50

mudvaynestains

Have you heard? Mudvayne might sorta kinda be coming maybe back or something. Two of the members have gone on to success with the Texas Roadhouse of rock known as Hellyeah. Other side bands featuring Mudvayne members include Audiotopsy and some other crap. I guess the call of the face paint is too strong. Either that, or singing about ass has gotten to be too much. Mudvayne’s strength were always in the talent of bassist Ryan Martinie and drummer Matt McDonough. Chad Gray’s vocals are hit or miss depending on the listener. I don’t mind them, but for some it’s the deciding factor. Maybe they’ll put out new music or perhaps do a tour. As long as they don’t bring this shirt, they’ll be okay.

Mudvayne were highly recognizable when they first came out thanks to their face-paint. It was an attention-grabbing gimmick that worked. Not too long after their second album, the band dropped the face-paint. Looking at this picture, we know that was a mistake. Chad Gray looks like he just came from “A Clockwork Orange” night at Club Nipple Clamp while the other three members look like they just rolled out of bed. They don’t even look like they’re in the same band. Cut out “Alex” and the rest of the band looks like they’re ready to bust out some Phish and String Cheese Incident covers. All four of them look so incredibly bored that they may have actually melded with the brick wall behind them. Maybe their name appears on the shirt twice just to keep everyone from nodding off.

 

Kittie – Literally

kittieshirtstains

I’ve always felt that Kittie got a bad rap. They’re decent musicians and put out some good songs over the years. Plus, the young version of myself just starting to get into heavy music still has a crush on their former bassist Talena. Many dismissed the band simply for their gender and that’s too bad. Sure, they never set the world on fire, but they had their moments. This shirt is not one of those moments.

A cat skull. Get it? Because they’re called Kittie. It makes so much sense now! Why the doll in it’s mouth? If I had to guess, maybe it’s a reference to their song “Paperdoll” but that thing ain’t paper, so there goes that theory. Maybe it’s to represent a rejection of “girly” things. Maybe it’s because a computerized apple wouldn’t look right. Why the crossed bones under it? Well, we’ve already gone this far with silly imagery that’s been run through a cheap computer program, so we might as well crank up the cliches a little bit more. It’s not a horrendous shirt, but something about it just doesn’t look quite right. It’s like a computer graphics homework assignment that someone did the night before.

Korn – Life Is Shitty

kornstains

Everything and nothing is happening all at once on this Korn shirt. It’s like someone took Jonathan Davis’s nonsense sound effects and tried to draw them. Is that and old person’s eye inside a Ritz cracker? A piece of cheese? A clock? Why is it surrounded by thorns and K’nex pieces? The sad part is that it’s actually a well-done illustration, it just doesn’t really make for a good shirt design, especially for Korn. Metalheads often look for shirts that come in colors other than black, but this manages to bring too much attention to the shirt. Staring at this shirt for too long will cause you to piss your pants just to feel anything else other than blinding pain.

Here’s how you make a good Korn shirt: Throw a few swear words into a blended, mix in 1 bottle of Clamato juice, 1 ghost pepper, 1 copy of Circus magazine, 2 Adidas track jackets, the tears of a Juggalo, and 1 Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell. Set on “pulse” for 30 seconds. Spit into the mixture and go for 30 more seconds. Then pour the mixture onto the motherfuckin’ bitch-fuck that hurt you booom-ba-ba-bowww riggy-diggy poww suck mah dick and fuckin’ like it, naw what I mean?

Marilyn Manson – Oops, sorry. Didn’t know someone was in here.

marilynmansonstains

It may not seem like it now, but Marilyn Manson was once Public Enemy No. 1 with all of his shocking antics and “controversial” lyrics. He said dirty words! He dresses weird! It’s kind of surprising to think that was about 15 years ago. Like all things, time moves on and with it, so does the outrage machine. Time may heal all wounds, but no amount of time will heal our eyes from this shirt.

Wh..why? Why is this on a shirt? Beyond the “shock” value that keeps Manson alive (kind of like how being in front of a camera keeps Donald Trump alive for a few more hours), what’s the point? Manson actually looks pretty sad about it. It’s like he’s saying “So this is what it’s come to? Okay, just make it quick, I want to finish reading today’s Marmaduke.”

The photographer managed to capture the exact moment Marilyn Manson regretted his life. You can actually see the moment his heart rips in half. This shirt actually makes me feel bad for him kind of like when you see an older person crying. You almost want to hug him, but then you remember his a naked drug pinata making a ploppy. He can hug whatever Hot Topic human barnacle that was dumb enough to buy this shirt.

Slipknot – Shit.Shit.Shit.Repeat.

slipknotalloverstains

Remember the late 90’s? This shirt does! Colors, numbers, random shapes, it’s all a rich tapestry of late 90’s fuckery. This shirt counted as formal wear at Midwestern high school proms. The giant Slipknot “S” replaced A’s on report cards in the deep South. Several children in underprivileged areas received their names from this shirt.

This shirt doesn’t give a fuck about your rules and is going to stay up all night chatting with strangers in AOL chat rooms! This shirt is going to drink all the Squeeze-Its in the fridge. This shirt is going to watch Monday Night Raw and tell it’s teachers to “Suck it!” when they ask why it’s homework isn’t done. This shirt is going to get 12 CD’s for a penny. This shirt is frosting it’s tips. This shirt stays up late on Saturday nights and tapes Cinemax. This shirt is looking forward to the Tattoo The Earth festival

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Holy fuck. What year is this shit?

  • Sir Tapir The Based

  • You’ll have a great weekend. The weather is supposed to be banging here (50F(!!!!)). Do not work too hard. If you do have to work, work smart.

    I am out!

    GL

  • COAL ROLL

    “Probably coming to The Chance in Poughkeepsie soon.”

    • COAL ROLL

      I’m replying to my own comment to point out that I like this so much I am replying to my own comment, AND upvoting BOTH.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Whoa bro calm down.

      • OldMetalHead

        I’m there with you if he does.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    ..

  • Can’t figure out what’s worse on the Mudvayne shirt – the stupid hat on the left or the forehead on the right.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      It’s not so bad or nü without the vocals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z704rxchxq8

      • LD50 is one of the least horrible nu-metal albums

        • Salvador Dalí Lama

          I tell you hwat, I agree with this.

        • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

          Real high bar there

        • Korn – S/T

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Meh. Any Deftones album.

          • i am still not convinced that Deftones are/were nu-metal. thoughts?

          • They tend to get lumped in there a lot.

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Perhaps not. Timing, though.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Maybe the earliest shit. But I never cared for them anyway. Again, that whole era was garbage, except for being a gateway for people.

          • “white person dreadlocks, wallet chains, jeans that cover up your Airwalks… these things will never show their age!”
            -nu-metal bands

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            ***shudders***

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            Earlier stuff, absolutely. Late 90’s to present, I can’t pin them into one sub-genre. There were still a few sprinklings of nü infulence ever now and then, but I would not group them in there now.

            This is certainly nü, however. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYZmcl4thk4

          • now i’m convinced. huehue

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            It’s even got a trash can snare.

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            Bonus points: anyone else hear the synchronicity of the beginnings of these songs? The intros are eerily close. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gMvfgxLOt4

          • Guppusmaximus

            Well then I’m guilty of liking Nu Metal cuz Adrenaline still fucking kills. I also liked ‘Get Some’ from Snot

            *Better version of Teething*
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6YPjmWeNy8

          • Mayk Benynton

            I think Snot is a really underappreciated band.

          • Lacertilian

            It matters not.

          • you can take your rationality and giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit out!
            (are you pissed or spanked or whatever the ‘strayans call drunk yet)

          • Lacertilian

            It’s 10am man, gimme a minute!

          • I respect them, but they never really done anything for me.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          It’s even a GOOD nu-metal album.

    • Bro.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      my cousin’s gf said that sweet goatee is totes for real d00d

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

      No Big Truck?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I picked at random, since I never listened to this band.

        • count your lucky stars nu-metal wasn’t your gateway into rill metal. i owned at least one album by every band in the header image *shudders*

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh well, I was lucky to be listening to Venom and Morbid Angel at 16. The few years before that were rough, trying to find bands. So it goes…

          • if i knew about those bands in high school, my mind would have been blown!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I was obsessed with Venom in 10th-11th grade. And then it exploded by senior year, when I started my first job and met a couple older dudes who got me into Celtic Frost, Possessed, Angelcoprse…..

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            It took me until senior year to really start branching out

          • Guppusmaximus

            I was lucky to have an older brother who was into “Heavy” music (Rock / Metal), so, by the time I hit 10 (1984) I was already listening to Maiden, Sabbath, Def Leppard, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, Metallica, DIO, Kick Axe, Black N Blue, Armored Saint. Then 1988 came along and melted my face with all the legendary Thrash & Death Metal albums. Yes, I was very lucky to have my older brother.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Nice.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Unfortunately, it has its down side. Most of the current Metal does very little if nothing for me and the classic bands all have basically shit the bed. So, I wandered off into the Jazz / Rock Fusion world and now listen to nerdy musician music…though it rips to me

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Understandable.

          • Mayk Benynton

            I tried Venom a few times in high school, I hate it because it was screaming shit and I was a poser.

          • As I always say, right age, right time.

        • I’ve had to sit through these schmucks 3 times waiting for better headlining bands.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Damn, dude.

          • Would’ve avoided them if I could’ve.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            So it goes, bro.

          • I was high as fuck so it was all bearable.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I didn’t think there was a way to make Coal Chamber bearable.

    • This band truly was the nadir of an already awful genre.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        One of many shit bands from that “era”.

    • Holy shit.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        God damn it.

      • hands off our Peter, chumps

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      I love that other Coal Chamber music video Suicide Squad. Wait you mean that wasn’t?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      GAAAAH

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Don’t worry bros. I found the Squeaky-clean Version.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0lSpNtjPM8

    • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

      Fuck

        • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

          Been rewatching Parks and Rec (nth time)

          • Never enough Parks and Rec.

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Nutflix seems to have included some deleted scenes

          • Did they ever put season 7 on Netflix?

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Not sure

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yes.

          • Finally. Good to know, thanks.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Sure, though overall it was a let down. Too short, etc.

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            7 seasons is long for any show. My thoughts is it started to drag

          • Dang, I could have gone with many more seasons of Parks. But, yeah it did seem to start to go downhill towards the end.

          • I vaguely remember season 7. I think I missed most of it to be honest. I remember it took place in the future though.

          • Ann Perkins is… a sight to behold

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Its a show with no shortage of hotties

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Rashida Jones is so cunting hot. Those bands piss me of though.

          • oh man, i didn’t RFI until now. yowza

      • Ozzfest 2001. Sabbath were literally the only good band on the bill. Had to suffer through this 2 nights in a row.

        • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

          I saw almost alllll these bands in ozzfest 2000

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Fuck, saw that one. Worst collection of bands I’ve ever seen. Only went for Sabbath. Just fucking atrocious. Vomit.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      So fucking shitty.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    American Head Charge were so weird compared to a lot the nü herd. They sounded a lot like nü Ministry more than anything a lot of the time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFmLXkrHb8Y

  • Stanley

    Is anyone interested in the new Skeletonwitch album? I see that they have just finished recording it.

    • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

      Should be aight

  • Waynecro

    I knew a kid who had several of those shirts. He also wore a top hat. Confirmed Hot Topic human barnacle.

  • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD
  • xengineofdeathx

    Man, talena was so imbedded in my 15 year old spank bank.

  • Paris Hilton

    Happy in the club with a bottle of white wine. Stars in our eyes cuz we’re full of white pride. Eh-eh, eh-eh, so happy I could die!

    • i may be the only other flusher who knows that song…

      • Paris Hilton

        Greatest pop song of this decade imo (srs). Such an underrated gem!

        • she’s made so many gems. fingers crossed for a new album 2016!

  • Lacertilian

    I’m nearly in tears from laughing at the Slipknot one.