Shirt Stains: Happy Nü Year
Probably coming to The Chance in Poughkeepsie soon.
You’ve probably already broken you New Year’s resolutions. You’ve said things you shouldn’t have said. You’ve lashed out in anger. You already stopped going the gym. Your horror short story remains unwritten. You’ve jammed your face-hole with pizza rolls and Hungry Man XXL dinners. You’ve sucked down 10 Super Brew 15’s and worn your undies as a mask while trying to wrestle strangers. You promised you were going to your friend’s show and knew full well that there was no fucking way you were going to that shit. You had improper thoughts about Flo from Progressive even though you promised your significant other that you’d stop. Luckily for you, you can keep your resolution of not wearing these cringe-worthy shirts from Nu-metal bands.
Mudvayne – Lolz.D. 50
Have you heard? Mudvayne might sorta kinda be coming maybe back or something. Two of the members have gone on to success with the Texas Roadhouse of rock known as Hellyeah. Other side bands featuring Mudvayne members include Audiotopsy and some other crap. I guess the call of the face paint is too strong. Either that, or singing about ass has gotten to be too much. Mudvayne’s strength were always in the talent of bassist Ryan Martinie and drummer Matt McDonough. Chad Gray’s vocals are hit or miss depending on the listener. I don’t mind them, but for some it’s the deciding factor. Maybe they’ll put out new music or perhaps do a tour. As long as they don’t bring this shirt, they’ll be okay.
Mudvayne were highly recognizable when they first came out thanks to their face-paint. It was an attention-grabbing gimmick that worked. Not too long after their second album, the band dropped the face-paint. Looking at this picture, we know that was a mistake. Chad Gray looks like he just came from “A Clockwork Orange” night at Club Nipple Clamp while the other three members look like they just rolled out of bed. They don’t even look like they’re in the same band. Cut out “Alex” and the rest of the band looks like they’re ready to bust out some Phish and String Cheese Incident covers. All four of them look so incredibly bored that they may have actually melded with the brick wall behind them. Maybe their name appears on the shirt twice just to keep everyone from nodding off.
Kittie – Literally
I’ve always felt that Kittie got a bad rap. They’re decent musicians and put out some good songs over the years. Plus, the young version of myself just starting to get into heavy music still has a crush on their former bassist Talena. Many dismissed the band simply for their gender and that’s too bad. Sure, they never set the world on fire, but they had their moments. This shirt is not one of those moments.
A cat skull. Get it? Because they’re called Kittie. It makes so much sense now! Why the doll in it’s mouth? If I had to guess, maybe it’s a reference to their song “Paperdoll” but that thing ain’t paper, so there goes that theory. Maybe it’s to represent a rejection of “girly” things. Maybe it’s because a computerized apple wouldn’t look right. Why the crossed bones under it? Well, we’ve already gone this far with silly imagery that’s been run through a cheap computer program, so we might as well crank up the cliches a little bit more. It’s not a horrendous shirt, but something about it just doesn’t look quite right. It’s like a computer graphics homework assignment that someone did the night before.
Korn – Life Is Shitty
Everything and nothing is happening all at once on this Korn shirt. It’s like someone took Jonathan Davis’s nonsense sound effects and tried to draw them. Is that and old person’s eye inside a Ritz cracker? A piece of cheese? A clock? Why is it surrounded by thorns and K’nex pieces? The sad part is that it’s actually a well-done illustration, it just doesn’t really make for a good shirt design, especially for Korn. Metalheads often look for shirts that come in colors other than black, but this manages to bring too much attention to the shirt. Staring at this shirt for too long will cause you to piss your pants just to feel anything else other than blinding pain.
Here’s how you make a good Korn shirt: Throw a few swear words into a blended, mix in 1 bottle of Clamato juice, 1 ghost pepper, 1 copy of Circus magazine, 2 Adidas track jackets, the tears of a Juggalo, and 1 Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell. Set on “pulse” for 30 seconds. Spit into the mixture and go for 30 more seconds. Then pour the mixture onto the motherfuckin’ bitch-fuck that hurt you booom-ba-ba-bowww riggy-diggy poww suck mah dick and fuckin’ like it, naw what I mean?
Marilyn Manson – Oops, sorry. Didn’t know someone was in here.
It may not seem like it now, but Marilyn Manson was once Public Enemy No. 1 with all of his shocking antics and “controversial” lyrics. He said dirty words! He dresses weird! It’s kind of surprising to think that was about 15 years ago. Like all things, time moves on and with it, so does the outrage machine. Time may heal all wounds, but no amount of time will heal our eyes from this shirt.
Wh..why? Why is this on a shirt? Beyond the “shock” value that keeps Manson alive (kind of like how being in front of a camera keeps Donald Trump alive for a few more hours), what’s the point? Manson actually looks pretty sad about it. It’s like he’s saying “So this is what it’s come to? Okay, just make it quick, I want to finish reading today’s Marmaduke.”
The photographer managed to capture the exact moment Marilyn Manson regretted his life. You can actually see the moment his heart rips in half. This shirt actually makes me feel bad for him kind of like when you see an older person crying. You almost want to hug him, but then you remember his a naked drug pinata making a ploppy. He can hug whatever Hot Topic human barnacle that was dumb enough to buy this shirt.
Slipknot – Shit.Shit.Shit.Repeat.
Remember the late 90’s? This shirt does! Colors, numbers, random shapes, it’s all a rich tapestry of late 90’s fuckery. This shirt counted as formal wear at Midwestern high school proms. The giant Slipknot “S” replaced A’s on report cards in the deep South. Several children in underprivileged areas received their names from this shirt.
This shirt doesn’t give a fuck about your rules and is going to stay up all night chatting with strangers in AOL chat rooms! This shirt is going to drink all the Squeeze-Its in the fridge. This shirt is going to watch Monday Night Raw and tell it’s teachers to “Suck it!” when they ask why it’s homework isn’t done. This shirt is going to get 12 CD’s for a penny. This shirt is frosting it’s tips. This shirt stays up late on Saturday nights and tapes Cinemax. This shirt is looking forward to the Tattoo The Earth festival