Shirt Stains – Happy Birthday, Mike Portnoy
This is where I’d reference a Dream Theater song, but I don’t know any, so uhhhhh….gettin’ jiggy wit it. Na na na na na nana. Na na na na na nana.
You may remember Mike Portnoy as the former drummer and backing vocalist for Dream Theater, a band we have zero love for at Toilet Ov Hell. You may also remember Mike Portnoy as the guy who left the band he co-founded to join flaccid-dong rock band Avenged Sevenfold only to get kicked out of that band a short time later. Since then, Portnoy has been playing with Adrenaline Mob (he left in 2013) and The Winery Dogs, started a bunch of supergroups that may have cured some insomnia patients, maintained a garbage website and has put out a metric fuckton of DVDs. Seriously, why are there so many? How many prog nerds out there need to air drum along to 40 different camera angles of someone drumming?
A lot apparently, because a special Mike Portnoy 50th Birthday t-shirt is for sale right now for the low, low price of $29.95. What a steal! Now you can impress other dads at the super market with a shirt for a guy from some bands you used to like. You don’t even have to say anything. Your tired eyes will meet, you’ll give a slight nod, pretend to play a boring 10 minute solo, your hands will touch when you both reach for the last Hungry Man Salisbury Steak dinner, you’ll think about kissing, and then you’ll run to opposite ends of the store while thinking about how Lord Nefaryus was trying to corrupt your mind.
Anyone else think it’s strange to buy a shirt celebrating the birthday of a musician you like? I think it’s pretty weird. It’s like a super specific triple-decker sandwich, but instead of nutritious, yummy food, the sandwich is just filled with greasy facial hair and broken dreams. This is a shirt for super fans, which in complete fairness, Dream Theater and Mr. Portnoy definitely have. With the sheer amount of crap DT and Portnoy have for sale, there is certainly a market for a shirt like this.
As for the design itself, that’s the picture of Portnoy they went with? He looks one of the guys they put on STD awareness posters in the subway with lines like “Dave seems like he’s a great guy, but what hasn’t he told you about? Get checked today.” The odd placement of the birthday star on his chest and the fact that his logo actually covers up a part of his head just makes everything super awkward. The back has a whole bunch of information about the event, but it should just say “Nerd nerd nerd dork dork nerd. Nerd Nerd geek drummy drum drum geek nerd nerd.”
Maybe for an extra $10, Portnoy will jizz all over the shirt. You KNOW some fans would be into it.