Shirt Stains – Happy Birthday, Mike Portnoy

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This is where I’d reference a Dream Theater song, but I don’t know any, so uhhhhh….gettin’ jiggy wit it. Na na na na na nana. Na na na na na nana.

You may remember Mike Portnoy as the former drummer and backing vocalist for Dream Theater, a band we have zero love for at Toilet Ov Hell. You may also remember Mike Portnoy as the guy who left the band he co-founded to join flaccid-dong rock band Avenged Sevenfold only to get kicked out of that band a short time later. Since then, Portnoy has been playing with Adrenaline Mob (he left in 2013) and The Winery Dogs, started a bunch of supergroups that may have cured some insomnia patients, maintained a garbage website and has put out a metric fuckton of DVDs. Seriously, why are there so many? How many prog nerds out there need to air drum along to 40 different camera angles of someone drumming?

A lot apparently, because a special Mike Portnoy 50th Birthday t-shirt is for sale right now for the low, low price of $29.95. What a steal! Now you can impress other dads at the super market with a shirt for a guy from some bands you used to like. You don’t even have to say anything. Your tired eyes will meet, you’ll give a slight nod, pretend to play a boring 10 minute solo, your hands will touch when you both reach for the last Hungry Man Salisbury Steak dinner, you’ll think about kissing, and then you’ll run to opposite ends of the store while thinking about how Lord Nefaryus was trying to corrupt your mind.

Anyone else think it’s strange to buy a shirt celebrating the birthday of a musician you like? I think it’s pretty weird. It’s like a super specific triple-decker sandwich, but instead of nutritious, yummy food, the sandwich is just filled with greasy facial hair and broken dreams. This is a shirt for super fans, which in complete fairness, Dream Theater and Mr. Portnoy definitely have. With the sheer amount of crap DT and Portnoy have for sale, there is certainly a market for a shirt like this.

As for the design itself, that’s the picture of Portnoy they went with? He looks one of the guys they put on STD awareness posters in the subway with lines like “Dave seems like he’s a great guy, but what hasn’t he told you about? Get checked today.” The odd placement of the birthday star on his chest and the fact that his logo actually covers up a part of his head just makes everything super awkward. The back has a whole bunch of information about the event, but it should just say “Nerd nerd nerd dork dork nerd. Nerd Nerd geek drummy drum drum geek nerd nerd.”

Maybe for an extra $10, Portnoy will jizz all over the shirt. You KNOW some fans would be into it.

(Image VIA)

  • Eliza

    To be fair, his drumming was one of the best parts of Dream Theater’s sound. This shirt is a pointless piece of bland design, though.

  • Primordial Chaos
  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I picture Totino’s rather than Hungry Man

  • Rain Poncho W.

    AS MUCH CRAP AS WE GIVE DT HERE, I LIKED THEIR DISCOGRAPHY UP TO BLACK CLOUDS AND SILVER LININGS. THEY GOT SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE AFTER PORTNOY WAS CANNED.

    • Joaquin Stick

      AGREED BUT I THINK I GAVE UP ONE ALBUM EARLIER

    • tigeraid

      When did our illustrious #43 start screaming?

      • Rain Poncho W.

        LAST WEEK?

  • Kinda looks like MIK (upside-down/backwards B) ORTNOY at first glance.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Some names are just not meant to be turned into ambigrams. I am 100% sure that is the wrong term, but I don’t feel like using google.

  • Joaquin Stick

    The fact that every little thing needs to be on a shirt is slowly driving me to a rage-filled insanity. Store opening? t-shirt. Ran a marathon? t-shirt. Video game pre-order? t-shirt. Beer chugging contest? t-shirt. DRUMMER’S BIRTHDAY?!?! t-shirt.

    Put your logo on something useful, my dresser is overflowing. I’ll take a Brain Drill power drill, a Turbid North fridge/freezer combo, and a Power Trip extension cord please.

    • Black Anvil anvil. Or, hell, even an Anvil anvil!

      • Rain Poncho W.

        JAMES HETFIELD EDITION BLACK TABLE

        • Joaquin Stick

          Ghost Bath Victorian style tubs.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Cock And Ball Torture sex toys

          • Jeremy Riegel

            *made in China

          • Joaquin Stick

            Perfect

    • CyberneticOrganism

      They’re all destined to be sleeping shirts, then rags, then packing material.

      • Rain Poncho W.

        YOU WEAR A SHIRT WHEN YOU SLEEP?

        • Joaquin Stick

          WE DON’T ALL LIVE ON THE SURFACE OF THE SUN LIKE YOU!

          • Rain Poncho W.

            SOMETIMES I SLEEP IN A RAIN PONCHO

        • IronLawnmower

          Naked sleep master race

          • Rain Poncho W.

            I THOUGHT YOU WORE A SLEEPING GOWN LIKE A PROPER UK RESIDENT.

          • IronLawnmower

            I wear a dressing gown about the house when I can’t be arsed wearing clothes or for extra warmth in the brutal winter months

          • DARKBEARD

            research shows sleeping naked makes your dong bigger

          • sweetooth0

            my research into this matter seems to have reached different conclusions…

        • CyberneticOrganism
          • Óðinn

            Gah! Creepy.

    • Lacertilian

      Lamb Of God Kosher Cutlets™

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

      GORAK WOULD WEAR BEER CHUGGING SHIRT!!!!!!!

    • We will also accept “blog’s second birthday” tees.

  • Scrimm

    Buy this? No.No I shan’t.

  • Howard Dean
    • Scrimm

      HAH! At first it was just a link and what it took me to was NOT Chris Farley.

      • Howard Dean

        Was it the guy fumbling with a tape measure? I tried posting that gif like five times and couldn’t get it to work, so I switched to this one. Haha.

        • Scrimm

          That was it!

  • DARKBEARD

    DING, LEVEL 50

  • Waynecro

    Employees at the supermarket I go to carry around squirt bottles to cool things off when two dads meet and things get a little too hot for the frozen-foods aisle.