Shirt Stains: Grind Your Gears

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It’s hard to #StayGrind when your threads aren’t fly.

Grind. Crust. Powerviolence. Anarcho-punk. Vegan-Friendly Animal-Liberation Post-Queer Spazzcore. For the sake of brevity and sanity, let’s just lump all those together. A majority of shirts from these genres tend to look the same: Black shirt, white writing, band name, and usually a real-life image of social injustice, highly-detailed art, graphic art, or a gas mask. Most of those are cool. A little formulaic, but still cool. That’s not what Shirt Stains is all about.

Sorrower – Who Stabbed the D.R.I. Skanker?

Sorrowershirtstains

Yeah, it looks a little bit like D.R.I.’s famous symbol, but I’ll give Sorrower the benefit of the doubt. This picture looks better suited for a Saturday morning cartoon than a metal band. That skull-face is downright cute. Even the various knives and daggers in its back could find a place on CuteOverload.com. Who’s a little sneaky murder victim? You are! Yes you are!

What happened to his left leg? Is it just fading into the mist? Did they just not finish drawing it? “Oh fuck, the shirt design is due today? FUCK FUCK FUCK. Yeah, it’s done. Just take it!” And whats going on with his left hand? It’s as big as its head and is all gnarled while its other hand looks normal. I mean, it’s better than anything I can drawn, but then again, I’m not drawing anything that will be plastered across some beardo’s chest. Also, a missed opportunity not having the skull-face’s butt crack hanging out.

Extreme Hate – Pfffffffft

extremehateshirtstains

Extreme Hate are from Indonesia, so maybe something was lost in translation when it comes to artwork. This bit of pop art is more suited for a Roy Lichtenstein exhibit and Burger King onion ring containers. It’s not bad, but what the hell is it doing on a shirt for a band with a song called “Flattering Suicide”? And why isn’t the drummer wearing a hat? Someone didn’t get the memo for “Hat Day Fridays.”

Let’s take a look at the writing on the front too. “RRRAAAAAWWWKKK!!!” may be the most accurate thing ever put on a grindcore band shirt. When someone asks you what the band sounds like, you just point to that word and then slam their head into a toaster.

“Let’s bang your fuck’n head!!!” may or may not be a threat. I haven’t decided yet. Is skull-fucking legal in Indonesia? Perhaps you need a permit. “Aarrgghh..” may be my new favorite thing ever. It’s the only saying on the shirt that doesn’t receive three exclamation points. Hell, it doesn’t even get one. Maybe it’s an unsure or pensive “Aarrgghh”.

Magrudergrind – Have You Ever Been On Acid? You Have Now

magrudergrindshirtstains

Wowwie wow wow zazoooooga! I’m probably missing something and I’m sure one of you stanky crustoes with a Doom backpatch can explain to me what’s going on with this shirt. There’s so much going on, and I don’t understand any of it. Why is Biggie there? Why are there oms? AK 47s? Is that Jim Jones up top? I don’t know! Make it stop! I want to get off the ride!

People suffering from concussions use this shirt to describe how they’re feeling. People that speak in tongues think this shirt doesn’t make sense. The army uses this shirt to determine if people are fit for combat. Kanye West uses this shirt as a mirror.

Assuck – Good Idea, Bad Execution

assuckshirtstains

Set jimmies to maximum russleage. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything bad about the band. I’m sure this will chap a few greasy grind butts, but come on. It’s just not a good shirt. The real problem with it is that everything is smooshed together, like it was drawn on a napkin and the artist just ran out of room. Any message that the shirt tries to convey is lost because it’s kind of hard to tell just what’s going on. It’s about animal testing and baptisms right? Or maybe it’s one of those “Hang In There, Baby” posters from the 70’s. This is an example of having a good idea, but not executing it well. Maybe a splash of color would have helped. Some nice pink and purple flowers and a nice, happy little cloud. Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret.

Pig Destroyer – Perg Derstroyergh!

pigdestroyershirtstains

That face. That stupid fucking face. While art for this shirt is better suited for Cannibal Corpse, it’s fine. Graphic and can’t really be worn out in public and those legs dangling at the top right of the shirt come from nowhere, but fine. I get it. The shirt has nice shades of different bowel movements. Good work, everyone. And this guy isn’t going to be much of a “Prowler In The Yard” when he has no feet. You can just briskly walk around him on your way out the door.

But what the hell happened with this guy’s face? That’s the face a baby makes when you jiggle car keys. That’s the face the crowd makes at a Dane Cook show. That’s the face you make when you accidentally sit on your junk. That’s the face you make when someone asks you to go to a midnight screening of a Michael Bay movie. That’s the face you make when you pay $25 for this t-shirt.

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  • I wouldn’t wear any of those shirts (but I’d like to wear Taylor Swift. She wouldn’t give JAG the time of day tho.)

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Just wear your Trivium shirt and cry in Taylor Swift’s sternum.

      • VVorld Peace

        I appreciate your use of sternum here.

      • Which Trivium shirt? I have three: A Crusade tour shirt, an In Waves tour shirt, and of course one from the VENGEANCE FALLS tour…

        • Vengeance Falls is a sure shot.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Don’t play coy with me, you son of a bitch!

    • i dunno mang, she probably knows how much we’re white-knighting her in the Terlet!

      • Death

        “We” is a big word, Jim-Jim.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Big word, Big Toilet, Big man

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        I’m not white-knighting her. I hate her music and I don’t like her.

        • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

          I’m not white knighting her…. she’s just on the list.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I’m not white knighting her… I’m not even sure what it means.

          • KJM

            “white knighting” usually means you’re sticking up for someone in the hopes of banging them.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Aha, I’d retract my former statement, but that’d be, like, admitting I stalk her, which I don’t.

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            That’s my jerb.

          • yeah, TOP 10 LIST!

        • KJM

          Isn’t it all “ex-boyfriend” songs?

        • Death

          Finally something on which we can agree!

      • JWG

        Hope springs eternal.

        Surely someone at least Tweeted her (handlers who control her twitter account) the album review…

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        he he he “white knight” …..

    • Dental_Damnation

      If you give her a bedazzled wireless mic she might give you a sex

  • KJM

    I see myself getting at least 1-2 of these before long.

    http://www.wofat.net/clothing.html

    • This kind of makes me want to start a new column where I make fun of bands’ web design.

      • KJM

        You get what you pay for. In this case it probably wasn’t much.

      • VVorld Peace

        You could spend a whole week talking about the Thou website.

        • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

          I think Thou’s website is intentionally like that, W

          • VVorld Peace

            It’s intentionally difficult to decipher anything meaningful?

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            Have you read much of Thou’s incredible lyrics? I have a feeling the website is likewise “poetic”

          • VVorld Peace

            Dig the lyrics. Not so much the website. Probably going to pre-order that collab with the Body.

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            I’m concerned that The Body will make a band that’s already verbose even more droney. I hope it isn’t just one 25-minute long song.

          • VVorld Peace
          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            man that vinyl is sexy

          • VVorld Peace

            Also, I’m more partial to The Body over Thou.

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            Also, D&D references in the album description? Count my boner one more chubbier. I most definitely prefer thou over the body, but I enjoy both

          • Stockhausen

            As am I also, too.

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S FŒTID VBDVCTEES

            Guess who just ordered a copy of You, Whom I Have Always Hated on clear vinyl before they ran out?

        • You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Obituary’s old site.

          http://web.archive.org/web/20130605215609/http://www.obituary.cc/

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            Imagine loading that on an old dial up connection

          • That was 2013 *sobs*
            Try this one from a month earlier. Yes, the extent of their web design skills is adding stretched-past-incomprehensibility posters for every show they play.
            http://web.archive.org/web/20130511105037/http://www.obituary.cc/

          • My eyes!

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            Well, you gotta give it to ’em for … keeping it updated?

          • Stockhausen

            What’s this website for again? Oh, Obituary that’s right. Wait, what’s–Obituary, ok I’ll keep that in mind. Hold on, did–oh yeah, Obituary. Got it. Obituary. Cool. Obituary. This Obituary website is an Obituary website about which I would say “That is an Obituary website.”

          • VVorld Peace

            Holy crap.

    • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

      Those shirts are dope.

      • KJM

        Just like their music.

        • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

          Agreed

    • CyberneticOrganism

      These guys sell some cool stuff: http://www.shirtsanddestroy.com/

  • Howard Dean

    ONLY INDONESIA BRINGZ THE TRVE GRIND HATE EXTREME DEATH THRASH MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!1 BRING BLASTBEATZ TO JAKARTA!!!! #1 FAN GRIND CORE!!!!!!!

  • Gvacamole Jim

    hahahahaha describing the first one as “cute” just absolutely ruined the shirt for me. Not to mention the text on it seems incredibly expressionless, like it was being casually stated by an ordinary bloke in a grey suit: “hello chums; there are cowards in our midst. It may rain later. I’m going to make onion soup for supper.”

    • VVorld Peace

      “I think it’s going to rain.”

      • KJM

        “Tut tut, it looks like rain.”

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    Extreme Hate = Extremely Weak design. Points for the Castle of Aaaarrrghhh…
    And yes, you guessed it was comin’ +1 for banner.

  • KingPagliacciOvFlushMountain

    “’The Voices’ is the official name of the very emotive painting that is the album cover for Pig Destroyers, Prowler in the Yard. The image depicts (according to the artist, Paul Booth) a man dismembering himself into tiny piece with a rusty bow saw. All the fingers of his left hand lies neatly lined up next to each other just besides his chopped off penis on a filthy metal plate. The man on the picture is willingly mutilating himself to release his inner demons that plague him. His smile comes from the freedom he is gaining. This image represents the genuine force of delusion. “The Voices” is a truly haunting and disturbing image when analyzed further than just glancing at it. A perfect start for a pretty much perfect grindcore release. Prowler in the Yard is also a concept album telling us the story about the protagonist Jennifer in her aphotic world of gore and filthy passion…”

    http://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/57795/Pig-Destroyer-Prowler-in-the-Yard/

    • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

      So, in other words, “high art”

      • KingPagliacciOvFlushMountain

        The piece was debuted at the HR Giger Museum, for whatever that’s worth.

    • VVorld Peace

      The album is unflushable.

    • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

      The face is quite similar to Booth’s artwork for Deicide’s Scars of the Crucifix album.

  • God

    As always on these, I find one shirt I dont think is that bad and would wear. This week: Magrudergrind.

    • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

      I was thinking the same thing about the Assuck shirt.

  • Tyree

    Assück >>>>>>

    • Get back to work! You’ve got farts to grind!

    • VVorld Peace

      Hey, aren’t you supposed to be grinding?

      • Tyree

        Got back home from Pittsburgh at 5 am. Just woke up and figured I’d check in here really quick.

        • VVorld Peace

          Well then: hi! Cretin rules. Miss you. be safe. Stay grind!

  • “Spread the Grindcore Reality”
    -@tyreegearhart:disqus

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    I lol’d @ “Kanye West uses this shirt as a mirror.”

  • “Kanye West uses this shirt as a mirror.” … @365daysofhorror:disqus you’ve done it again!

  • The Planck Epoch

    Before me, there was no void, only incomprehensible nothingness of infinite density.

    • tertius_decimus

      Free the singularity! Equal rights for black holes!

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    FULL OF HELL AND MERZBOW ALBUM OF THE YEAR

  • Stockhausen

    365, I need you to follow me around and provide commentary on my life. But whisper so only I can hear, and I can go “Hehehehe, that’s funny,” under my breath.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    “Spread the grincore!” Words to live by.

  • sweetooth0

    Gonna have to diagree on the Pig Destroyer shirt. It’s a Paul Booth piece, and the band’s best cover artwork in my opinion.

    • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

      Um. let me disagree here and say that the cover for Terrifyer is my favs. That and the cover for Phantom Limb. I like both more. Even the cover to Book Burner I like more. Call me lifelover if you want, but tits > mutilation. Any day.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        What about tit mutilation? Or mutilation by tits?

        • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

          Where have you been?

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Everywhere!

      • sweetooth0

        All are good in their own way. I feel like Prowler fits the album better though. If you read through the short story in the liners I’d say this is the guy who was cutting his fingers off prior to murdering his “love”, who has now murdered her and hung her in a tool shed (hence the hanging legs) and is proceeding to de-limb himself now.

        • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

          I just meant from an aesthetic standpoint, not a contextual one. I meant to say earlier that Prowler might be my second fav album by them, despite having my least favorite artwork.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Cowards in our moist?

  • KJM

    I’ve already found another guaranteed top 10 of 2015 album

    https://soundcloud.com/waxwork-records/phase-iv-phase-i

    • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

      inb4 penis measuring contest!

      • KJM

        Oh, this is hipsteriffic to be sure, a vinyl-only soundtrack release for an obscure 40 year old sci fi movie that most people saw on Saturday night TV stoned off their asses.

        • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

          I meant the phallic-shaped obelisk things. And, i’m clearly outdated as far as this movie/soundtrack thing is concerned.

          • KJM

            If you like 70s sci fi, it’s a great movie with an awesome electronic soundtrack.

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            The only sci-fi i’m concerned with begins with star trek and ends with the next generation.

          • BLVKKBEVRD’S KYDNVP VYKTYMS

            Oh, and Richard Dawkins.

    • old_man_doom

      Fuckin’ love waxwork. I have the Dawn of the Dead vinyl from two years ago. I’d love to get their subscription service.

      Between this, a new John Carpenter album, and a new Zombi album, 2015 is lookin’ solid for soundtrack-type shit.

  • George Clarke

    i like that margrudergrind shirt 🙁

  • the magrudergrind shirt deserves a confvsed sticker (shucks, why I printed so many of those) I don’t know what’s going on behind that randomness:

  • Is that Bad Boy Bubby on the Pig Destroyer shirt?

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/83/Bad_boy_bubby.jpg

  • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

    Aarrgghh…? *inquisitive emoticon*

  • …Ellipsis…

    FUCK DANE COOK, FUCK HIS MOVIES, FUCK HIS STAND UP, FUCK
    HIS STUPID, FUCKING FACE!!!

    http://cdn.head-fi.org/b/b7/b75b43ee_DaneCook.jpeg

    • Lacertilian

      Who?
      I love that there are all these universally hated schmucks who I have never heard of, I must be doing something right.

      • …Ellipsis…

        Ignorance is indeed bliss. Basically he was inexplicably famous for a couple of years, seemingly because he was a goofy, likable schmuck who made funny noise and lacked self-awareness. Even more inexplicably, he was given leading movie roles and stand up specials. I hadn’t heard his name mentioned for a while, but seeing it here awaken my Dane Cook rage.

  • Lacertilian

    I misread the first one as ‘The cowards are in our moist‘.