Shirt Stains: Grab Bag

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Hold your breath, close your eyes, stick your hand in, and get a big surprise.

No special theme or genre focus. No major ties that bind. Heck, no intro. Well, technically this is an intro, but not really, right? Crap, well, we’re already here so….yeah. How’re you guys doing? Good? Cool, cool. Well… um, let’s get started then.

Chelsea Grin – Chelsea Cringe

Chelsea Grin aka the band that isn’t Asking Alexandria, but might as well be, come at us with all the carefully crafted creativity and subtlety that they are known to possess. Are we far off from seeing Chelsea Grin’s frontman (I don’t know his name. Let’s just call him Yelly Grinshout) also trying to go the inexplicable country route like AA’s Danny Worsnop? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we can admire this hellacious shirt that was quite possibly ripped from a DeviantArt page. They just googled “Chelsea Grin” and “Glasgow Smile” and said “Oi! That’s alright, m8!” They just chose to ignore the extended Resident Evil monster-esque floppiness of the face and ran with it.

This shirt looks like they took someone’s embarrassing emo-phase photos off of MySpace and ran it through the worst third-party photo filters they could find. ChadRawr and xXKaylaKaBoomXx are going to be so mad when they find out. The managed to find all the drab colors with this one. It makes the design look extra mopey and mad that Mom wouldn’t drive them to the Further Seems Forever show just because it was a school night. At least their hair still looks silky, soft, manageable, and Zelda-like.

Slayer – Slayerween


Pfffffffffffft hahahahahaha! Nothing says “FUUUKKKKKINNNN SLAYER, MAAANNNNGGG! REIGN IN WAKAMOLE, AMIRITE?!” like a the only  rubber monster mask left in the Halloween store on November 1st. We’re getting to the point where this column should just be renamed “Slayer Stains” because they just keep showing up. They’re like the Hydra of bad merchandise: Release on good piece of merch and two bad ones take its place. The red in this shirt is very red and the green can officially be called “none more green.”  The eyes look like those crappy Boston Baked Beans candy, but slightly more melted. Does this thing have its ear and jaw pierced? It also has a Monroe! Hey, maybe Slayer shirt knows Chelsea Grin shirt!

This goofy mask is actually a great representation of where Slayer is today in the world. Young or impressionable people might find them scary. Many people might find them unintentionally funny or absurd. Others think they’re just shite. Most eventually move on as the dust begins to collect and pile up. Maybe it comes out for a special occasion or when someone is feeling nostalgic. It’ll probably come out during some drinky-drinky time. Then comes the hangover, the feelings of regret, shame, and finally, banished into the bottom of a box you go.

Lazarus A.D. – Snake Mummy


Remember when I said that the Slayer shirt had the “none more green” color? Yeah, I was wrong. That should belong to this Lazarus A.D. shirt. Holy cheap St. Patrick’s Day beer puke puddle, Batman! It’s like someone overstuffed a Leprechaun with yard trimmings, pickles, and Shrek jizz and then popped him like a balloon.

I’m not sure what to make of this design. How did it come up in discussions? Were there any discussions? Is that a mummy snake skeleton? A worm wrapped in gauze? Why is it wrapped around that…needle? Feather? Random bit of metal? Judging by the blood splatter, it looks like whatever that thing is is having a bad time. So if it’s bleeding, it’s not a skeleton then. Do mummies bleed? Shouldn’t dust be coming out instead of blood. These are the thoughts that keep us up at night. Well that, and the very real threat of nuclear war.

Lazarus A.D. called it quits back in 2015 after the death of their drummer Ryan Shutler. We like to goof around here, but you should buy some of the albums as a bit of good karma. They were quite good.

Especimen – Carnival Diablo

You may remember Especimen from a previous Shirt Stains native Spanish speaking bands. For those that don’t remember (or, more accurately, are too lazy to click the freaking link) Especimen are a hardcore punk band from Mexico. It’s also worth noting that their vocalist has great spiky hair. You can poke out plenty of La Migra eyes with those things. I might ask him to give my eyes a taste after looking at this shirt.

This is the cover art for the band’s album Al Diablo Satanas. You’ll recognize the intense devil from that link I provided (seriously, just click it, ya bum). That is a diablo who has seen some shit. Or is trying to hold one in. Both work. Joining Super Serious Satan is Sad Jesus, Jack Skellington’s younger brother Rusty Skellington and a fun assortment of knick-nacks, doo-dads, and skulls. Once they finish their meeting of the Midnight Society, they’re all going to that carnival in the background. They’ll ride the tea cups, playing games, and munch on cotton candy. It’s going to be a great time. So great you’ll forget that this shirt has a self-inflicted border on the sides and sleeves.

Aegeon – Smudge Life

Way to make a shirt that is simultaneously bright and muddy. It’s like throwing a flashlight into brownie batter. No light can truly escape it. There is only darkness and splotchy bits. It’s like a Clearisil ad for the metal youth. Maybe someone used the shirt as a towel a la Forest Gump and the band went “Eh. Good enough.”

I’m not really sure what this shirt is saying. “6 Eing”? No, that would be ridiculous. BEING! That’s it…and that’s the only thing that makes sense. 0720 2012? Is that Aegaeon’s pin code? Do I enter that into my phone for dirty talk with members of the band just ready to explode with time signatures and gushing with pinch harmonics? Yuck. At least they helpfully put them name at the very bottom of the shirt. Wouldn’t want people to easily identify your band with what may be a dirty table cloth.

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  • GL

    Boom! Always thought this was a pretty neat song.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc8aid6N5YY

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    Wow…. that Slayer shirt. (sigh)
    That is just straight garbage, whoever designed wasn’t even trying anymore.

    • Howard Dean

      The same dude that designed that Slayer shirt works in the cafeteria of this school:

      http://i.imgur.com/rpGcXIY.jpg

      • Waynecro

        That looks like something I would have made when I was an alcoholic. I once made “spaghetti” by pouring V8 over cold noodles.

        • Howard Dean

          That is both hilarious and sad. Upvote for the hilarious part!

          (glad you are no longer an alcoholic and making V8 spaghetti)

          • Waynecro

            Creative dishes like V8 spaghetti should have gotten me a show on the Food Network–somewhere between 30 Minute Meals and Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee.

        • Doom Scientist

          I am also glad you are not drinking too much and eating bad food.

          • GL

            /pertinentkinda

            I cannot wait to go home and drink beer and eat bad food.

            TMINUS 1 HOUR

          • Doom Scientist

            I’m guessing what you eventually eat will be higher quality than partially melted velveeta slices and undercooked pasta, just a guess.

          • GL

            Sounds like a challenge. ACCEPTED lololol

          • Waynecro

            Thanks, man. I had a blast when I was trashing my body with alcohol and garbage food, but I was sick and about 175 pounds heavier.

          • GL

            175 lbs heavier? Fine work, man. Dang!

          • Waynecro

            Thanks, dude. People who knew me before 2007 wouldn’t even recognize me now. I went from about 350 pounds down to about 150 (at my lowest weight), then I put on a bunch of muscle, which I am trying to keep doing. I’m like a different person mentally and physically.

          • GL

            Inspiring, for sure, man. You should be proud. Seriously

          • Waynecro

            I appreciate that. I’m working really hard to correct and make up for past fuckups.

          • GL

            /shakesyourhandviatheinterwebs

          • Waynecro
          • Buying a Zune really has a positive effect on one’s life. Hiehuehue

          • Waynecro

            That’s why I bought five.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Upvote for that stuff being past-tense, obviously. But on the plus side, you did get at least a serving or two of vegetables depending on how much V8 you used.

          • Waynecro

            That’s very true. I wasn’t entirely mistaken in my belief that drinking a few pitchers of bloody Mary for lunch was like having a salad.

          • GL
          • Doom Scientist

            It’s horrible not having the energy to do anything.

          • Waynecro

            Pissing blood and puking up chunks of rotting innards sucks quite a bit as well.

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            Right now i’m reading this book call, Furiously Happy, i like the author, i find her “Dark Humor” very funny, but she also very open about her Depression, which i have never suffer from it, but she talks about that same thing, about sometimes not being able to have any energy to do anything.
            I can’t imagine that, i have a pretty good and easy job, and afterwards, i go to the gym, get home play with the dogs… etc.

          • Doom Scientist

            Many successful people struggle with varying degrees of Depression. It doesn’t care how industrious or physically healthy you are.

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        I would respectfully disagree, the person who works in the cafeteria at least tried harder.

      • Óðinn

        Real American cheese. Nice.

  • Waynecro

    Does the Slayer shirt glow in the dark? If so, I would consider wearing it as a pajama shirt. Just think about how spooky a floating, glowing demon head would look in a dark room in the middle of the night.

    • Howard Dean

      I’d wear it [sips double IPA].

      • Waynecro

        *uses locally sourced beeswax to curl mustache*

        • GL

          GOD DAMN HIPPIES

    • NDG

      I used to own a variation of the Slayer shirt when I was 14. It had “The Root Of All Evil” scrawled under the fluorescent demon head.

      Pretty edgy in 1990s rural Victoria.

  • Howard Dean

    Can definitely see peeps wearing that Slayer shirt ironically (whilst nursing a double IPA and holding court with their local tattoo artists and craft distillers): “Slayer is basically a post-Hegelian performance art piece at this point–not Slayer the actual band and discography, but like the idea of Slayer that exists separate from the music and within our collective societal consciousness. Like, isn’t this shirt basically a blatant argument for an absolute idealism? I mean, look at it! I think we’re seizing on a master-slave dialectic, here. What do you think, Shiloh?”

    Also: That poll dancing worm on the Lazarus A.D. shirt is creepy as fuck.

  • tigeraid

    TIL the members of Slayer are Skrulls.

  • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

    once when i was younger i was almost compleatly emo but my mom ouwnt let me ware band names on my shirt and swetshirt so now life sucks.

    -i want to be emo, 3 years ago

    • GL

      I need a trophy or something for getting through that one.

      I’ll wait right here.

      • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

        Well you get the dumb-ass of the day award

        -Safaridude12, 1 year ago, in reply to bob Green

        • GL

          This is why I like you, you get me.

          GL

    • Doom Scientist

      I want to be Elmo.

      • GL
        • Howard Dean

          Is this Temper Tantrum Elmo or Grand Mal Seizure Elmo? I can never tell the difference.

          • GL

            Tickle Me Elmo™. Get with the program. Geesh

          • Doom Scientist

            Adderall Plugging Elmo.

        • Depechemodeisgangsta

          LOL, I actually have that Elmo, and the reason is because my kid sister wasn’t taking care of him, and just dump him on ground, so i told my sister kid that now i was the owner.
          BTW that sucker requires 8 AA batteries.

          • GL

            8 AAs? You bout need a God damn bank loan to finance that!

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            You don’t need to tell me, when the kids are there and they want to play with it, i go and put the batteries, as soon as they finished, i grab Elmo and go straight to take off all 8 batteries, if you leave them on there, that will probably last 1 month, is like the Toy and the Batteries got together, and they are running a scam on us, and we haven’t realized it yet.

          • GL

            KIDS: “BUT DAAAAADDDY, WE WANT TO PLAY WITH ELMO NOW
            YOU: “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, YOU KNOW THE DRILL. IF YOU PLAY WITH HIM, YOU DON’T GET ANY PRESENTS THIS YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS.”

  • IronLawnmower

    I know a guy wit a Chelsea grin. I don’t think even someone with decision making as bad as him would wear that floppy abomination.

  • 365, you weren’t kidding about Especimen Guy’s hair. He looks like some kind of Pokeyman or an maybe an anime

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I think that Lazarus AD shirt looks kinda cool.

  • Hans Copronym

    These are all horrible, but peanuts coated in pretty much anything are neat.