Shirt Stains: God Bless ‘Merica

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These colors lightly jog.

We did it! We survived one full year of Donald Trump as president of the United States of America. It feels like we’ve all aged ten years in this time. Sure the entire country has completely lost credibility on a global scale and we’re lumbering closer and closer to nuclear war, and Trump has historically low approval numbers but we’re still here dang it! Not a week has gone by without multiple falsehoods, lies, scandals, embarrassments, dust-ups, blow-ups, and fuck-ups. Just typing this out is giving me a nervous twitch. I don’t know about you, but all of that makes me want to look at some dumb red, white, and blue metal band shirts!

 

If you couldn’t tell, this is not an official Slayer shirt. It comes to us via Pinterest and some shady third-party t-shirt sellers. The slightly-off colors, the generic font, the super awkward “USA Presidency 2016” line are the tell-tale signs of being bootleg. The following “Tom for President” and “YES!” gives me a chuckle. It’s not a question or really even a slogan, just a verbal spasm you might scream out in the middle of sleep paralysis.

I do love how they used extra-cranky, yelling-at-the-sky Araya for this shirt. Or maybe he just had 2 really strong cups of coffee and an old bran muffin. It doesn’t matter what we think, though. We’re all just “snowflakes” in the eyes of Araya anyway.

I wouldn’t blame you for thinking it was a real shirt, though. Slayer does put out some wacky merchandise with their name on it. I could easily see Araya wanting to have his mug plastered onto a shirt proclaiming he should lead us. He wouldn’t be the first metal frontman to put out something something like this. Sadly, Tomás Enrique Araya Díaz can’t become president since he was born in Chile, it wouldn’t be hard to imagine what type of president he would be since the band has been telling us all along.

 

Otep Shamaya is very outspoken, especially when it comes to politics and social issues. A peak at her Twitter account would make that very clear. That’s cool. Her poetry and music are all very political and socially active. It should come as no surprise that her band’s merchandise would be as equally political and in-your-face.

Is Uncle Sam supposed to be a zombie or a Swamp Thing? Either works, though I’m not sure if Swamp Thing is into eating hearts. At least, I think that’s a heart. It could be the world’s biggest Gusher. Why does he have the world’s largest middle finger? Andre the Giant would be jealous of that kielbasa-sized digit. This design reminds of promo photos from the 90’s where the band was giving the finger. What a magical time.

 

Tech Deathers Rivers Of Nihil give us the ol’ red, white, and blue with this design that looks straight out of Jello Biafra’s high school notebook. I never pegged them as a political band, but then again, I don’t really know much about them. I’m always curious when seemingly apolitical bands do something political. What changed? Have they always felt this way and just never expressed it? Were we missing something this entire time?

Regardless, RON give us a drawing of the Statue of Liberty after it fell in the same vat of chemicals that gave us the Joker. Her face is a little twisted, her mouth of off center, and her arm looks like it belongs to George “The Animal” Steele. I’m also curious about that tank behind her. Is this drawn to scale? If so, that is one big-ass tank. What’s with the spikes? That tank is one pair of sunglasses and a Capri Sun away from being a cool 90’s kid. I wonder what the back has in store for us.

 

Oh. Um. Okay. Is that pro? Con? I feel like this would take a lot more explanations from the wearer than should be necessary. Maybe an asterisk with a disclaimer underneath would have been helpful.

 

Pffffffftttttt hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Rock-n-Roll GangStar is a clothing company that looks to have been conceived out of the puddles of piss and booze found on the floor of a bar that exclusively plays Black Label Society and Texas Hippie Coalition. This merch is like the inbred version of Ed Hardy shirts. Just as bright and garish, but with a dumbed-down, pseudo-patriotic twist geared towards people that wear American flags like ponchos, but want to personally execute any person that burns one.

Nothing says ‘Merica more than a grease-monkey shirt with a hideous skull-faced demonoid Uncle Sam menacingly holding a guitar while pointing his oddly gloved finger at you. It makes you almost forget that the company has “GangStar” in their name or that they re-purposed the American flag to include their dumb logo. You know a shirt’s good when it has the company’s name not only on the front, but also on the back, the left arm, and the right arm.

Not enough ‘Merican for you? How about taking that shirt and adding the Iron Cross, a military decoration for Prussia and Nazi Germany? It’s okay, though, it has the red, white, and blue design on it. All is forgiven! You can even buy the patch itself and add it to your own vest of shame and disappointment.

And you’d better believe they sell merchandise with the Confederate Stars and Bars on it. “Hell yeah, brother. We just love our culture, brother. Nothing racist about it, brother.” Not a hint of irony that they sell that under the “4th of July Rockin’ Red, White, & Blue!” section of the website.

Want to spend $25 or more on the website? GangStar wants to give you a very special, very ‘Merican gift: a Scorpions poster! Are we sure this isn’t really a German clothing company? We’re sure. They’re all ‘Merican.

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