Shirt Stains: Ghost Is DTF Your Wallet

1743
53
Share:

Gross B.C.

You remember the band Ghost, right? Sure you do. They’re the favorite metal band of people who don’t like metal, kind of like how Paranormal Activity was the favorite horror movie of people who don’t like horror movies. The band is currently touring the U.S. as direct support for Iron Maiden. Why? I don’t know. My guess is because Iron Maiden wanted an opener that was guaranteed to not outshine their set.

The news of Ghost releasing their own personalized set of dildos and butt plugs was covered by many metal blogs a few years ago, but a) What kind of column would Shirt Stains be if we never talked about it and b) People be screwed by vocalist Papa Emeritus has taken on a new meaning. For you see, the King of Juggalo cosplay is currently being sued by his former bandmates for lying about revenue and stiffing them on pay. Ol’ P-Dawg responded to the lawsuit while unmasking a list of former band members that would make The Faceless mastermind Michael Keene’s shlort jizz-twitch with delight. He’s also claiming that Ghost is now a solo project, so basically good luck to any current and future musicians working with him.

 

What better way to promote a gimmick band than with a gimmick product. Did people really shell out $200 for the deluxe box set? I have no idea since the site promoting it no longer works. It is entirely possible that fans of Ghosts or fans of wasting money for “the lulz” purchased this box set that included a shirt, a box that looks like a Bible, a dildo that looks like Papa Emeritus, a butt plug, an emblem, and a “divorce paper”. Maybe someone really needed a conversation piece for all the elegant wine and cheese parties they throw.

$200 too much to spend for a romp in the Garden Of Earthly Delights with a few trinkets and toys that are probably as boring to have jammed into your sex holes as it is for Ghost’s music to be jammed into your ear holes? Dry your eyes and other orifices because you can get a gold Papa Emeritus dildo for the low, low price of $100.

You see that? This is a VERY limited holiday edition. Which holiday? I’m not sure, but it is still available for purchase so you still you have time to make it a very memorable Father’s Day.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Even I cannot support this.

    • Howard Dean

      Is that because a sex toy shaped like a demonic pope is incredibly impractical?

      • Vault Dweller

        You put an ‘im’ in front of the word you meant to use: ‘practical.’

        I can’t, for the life of me, see an impractical purpose for that thing. It’s the best item in their shop.

        • The Tetrachord of Archytas

          Impractical or practically in?

  • I live not too far from Dildo, Newfoundland.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/22d5d52c39d1cb24391aac2c1990f1f47c2113191a2269041256ed59e458df11.jpg

    (ps: I like all three Ghost albums. Fuck those lame cover EPs)

    • The Arm(KJM)

      I like the albums too, great live band, lots of fun.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        I like them as well. All the shit they get is well deserved because they are so ridiculous, and all this Papa Emeritus drama is fucking stupid, but still, their music is great fun

    • Howard Dean

      Opus Eponymous was OK, with many tracks that were really solid. Couldn’t really get into the second album and then didn’t much bother to check out much after that. There’s just so much good occult rock out there. I couldn’t justify listening to Infestissuman (or however it’s spelled) again when I have the entire The Devil’s Blood discography instead.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Dude, The Devil’s Blood is fucking awesome. May SL rest in peace

        • Howard Dean

          Yeah, one of my favorite bands. Great catalog (including the unfinished Tabula Rasa, which was still pretty solid). The first two albums and the Come, Reap EP are perfect.

          Yeah, it’s too bad SL had to kill himself. That dude was one helluva songwriter.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Sometimes highly creative people have some really fucked up brains. Who knows what was going on in the guy’s head. Same thing with Jon from Dissection

            Did Farida do anything after TDB? She’s a killer vocalist

          • Howard Dean

            I haven’t heard of anything post-TDB. I think I remember hearing that SL basically had to coax her into joining and singing for them, so I don’t know if she’s that into music and performing.

            Yeah, I know Nodtveidt basically shot himself in the face for Satan because he believed it was ideal to entire the afterlife at one’s strongest point or something (basically mirroring GG Allin’s philosophy on suicide/death). Those Swedish extreme metal bands with connections to the MLO (Dissection, Watain) really had/have a hard on for GG Allin .

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs
          • GoatForest

            Well, you can say one thing: those guys are definitely authentic. Whether or not that’s a good thing, however…

          • Strapping Old Fart

            “We’re actual assholes! The real deal!” Genius marketing strategy apparently.

          • GoatForest

            Apparently. Good music, though.

          • Strapping Old Fart

            Yeah I agree. I’m a bit put off by that whole asshole thing though.

          • Carlos Parlo

            Pretty sure she’s the lead singer of Dool who just had a full-length out this year and it’s pretty solid, very TDBish.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Dool’s singer is not Farida, its someone else

          • Carlos Parlo

            Oh. Thanks for correcting me then, I was mistaken.

      • Carlos Parlo

        3rd album was better than 2nd, on par with 1st and in some ways even better so worth checking out if you liked the 1st.

    • tigeraid

      Planning a trip out there next Summer! We drove around the Maritimes but had to skip NFLD for time. Planning on some epic hiking.

      • Hiking east coast NL is sometimes a bit tame, more like a stroll in the woods along the coast with an occasional drop down to sea level and then back up. Western NL has the really crazy uphill kinda hiking.

    • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

      Is that measured in miles…or inches?

      (Or I should ask kilometers…or centimeters, since I am a heathen Yankee who doesn’t ever think of the metric system).

  • Howard Dean

    [sniff sniff] “I smell your lightsaber.”

    http://i.imgur.com/b6YI6Bj.gif

  • GL

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDD

    NOPE

  • Dental_Damnation

    Iron Maiden has a proven track record of getting openers who are guaranteed to underwhelm the audience while in beer lineups. See Steve Harris’ daughters band, Bruce Dickenson’s sons band, Coheed & Cambria, Dreamtheatre etc…so it makes sense they would get the most melbatoast metal band ever to open their NA dates.

    • The Arm(KJM)

      But the last time I saw them Alice Cooper was the opener… : (

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Bullshit. In their Mexico 2009 dates they had Carcass and Morbid Angel opening for them (and that’s pre-Illud MA with Sandoval still manning the kit). I do concede that they also had Atreyu, which I heard got pelted with water bottles

      • Howard Dean

        Carcass, Morbid Angel, and Iron Maiden is a fucking awesome tour lineup.

    • Óðinn

      The worst live band I ever saw opened for Iron Maiden.

    • The Tetrachord of Archytas

      Eh I thought coheed was a great opener, but I’m a huge fan and as a kid I actually got into Iron Maiden cause coheed used to bust out the trooper in their early days.

      Still I don’t really think there is a band that’s gonna outshine a maiden set. We’ll see where they’re at in 10 years though

    • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

      It’s been awhile (10-15 years ago) but the last time I saw Maiden they had Dio and Motorhead opening. Pretty strong openers there!

  • Dumpster Lung

    Somehow I missed that this was a thing back whenever it first happened. Damnit, Ghost. Some of us were just defending your honor in the FB group recently, too.

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Not impressed unless these are carved with incantations that invite demonic hoo-hah possession.

    • Howard Dean

      Instructions: Insert vaginally to conjure Succubus; insert anally to conjure Incubus.

      • Howard Dean

        “Alright, I’m going to go for it. Get ready!”

        [insert]

        “Gahhhh! It’s worse than I thought!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgT9zGkiLig

        • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

          I just had a horrible flashback to the days when I thought this song was deep, maaan.

          • Howard Dean

            “Like seriously, think about the lyrics: ‘would you choose water over wine?’ Get it? Like, denying God’s gift to humankind? Denying religion… negating the strangehold Christianity has on our perceptions of morality? Totally fucking deep. What a phat band!”

            –frozengoatsheadupanunsarse, c. 2001

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Uncannily like the sort of thing I would have written in a notebook back then. Of course if anybody asked what I was writing I would have scowled at them and told them they just didn’t get it.

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs
          • Howard Dean

            YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

  • Megan Alexandra

    Fucking dying thinking of Ghost toys being “jammed into your sex holes”

  • BobLoblaw

    Id feel ripped off if that thing didnt come with some preset spooky sounds built in. Seriously though, this band has always fucking sucked bad.

  • Óðinn

    On a positive note, it goes without saying that you should ‘shove it up your ass’.

    https://img0.etsystatic.com/000/1/5213147/il_570xN.99280466.jpg

  • NDG

    I think Opus Eponymous is a good album and I really like the cover of “If You Have Ghosts” they do.

    That’s all I have to contribute.