Shirt Stains: Fucking Eluveitie

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From Switzerland with fuck.

We’ve previously talked about band shirts with foul language. It was actually the first Shirt Stains column ever. Time may supposedly heal all wounds, but it has not changed my feelings towards shirts with curse (or “swear” if you prefer) words on them: it’s stupid. To put it in another way that these bands might understand: it’s fucking stupid.

Selling shirts with words like “Fuck,” “Shit,” or “Jizzgoblin Acockalypse” is a surefire way to not make money. Yes, some people will buy them, but plenty will not. Out of those people that do buy a shirt like that, most only wear them to other metal shows where 99% of those in attendance already know the band. There goes potential money and advertising.

Mom and Dad don’t care that you’ll be Captain Edgelord at the mall. Your significant other will question why they’ve stuck around with you for so long when their ex seems to be doing pretty good judging by their Facebook posts. Those people that think metal is full of mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers that only know four-letter words and pizza toppings will be proven right.

Eluveitiestains

All of this brings us to this fucking Eluveitie shirt. The focal point of the shirt isn’t the band’s fucking name. It looks like it was added at the last fucking minute, just barely beating out the word Switzerland. Fucking Switzerland. They’re real fucking proud to be from the same place as Celtic Frost, Knut, and Gotthard. What, no fucking pride for stealing money from people trying to flee the Nazis in World War II? Or how about seizing fucking assets from Syrian refugees? I guess that’ll be on the next fucking shirt.

This shirt is a real fucking Swiss watch. Lots of fucking ingenuity and crea-fucking-tivity. Whoopdy-fucking-doo.  “PURE FUCKING FOLK METAL”. Not “IMPURE FUCKING FOLK METAL” or “HALF AND HALF FUCKING FOLK METAL”. This shirt is so pure, just looking at it will fuck your fucking dick up. Wearing this shirt is like a million mediocre fucks happening on your body at the same time. Eluveitie really loves this saying because it’s the only thing in their fucking Twitter and Facebook bios. Was there ever a concern that they weren’t “pure fucking folk metal”? Are they fucking compensating for something? Were they accused of not being pure fucking folk metal? Does Eluveitie suffer from pure fucking folk metal penis envy?

What a shitload of fuck. What a fuckload of shit. What kind of fuck would buy this shirt? I’ll bet they never sold one single…

 

eluveitiestains2

Fuck.

Fucking figures.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    WHY

    • Old Man Doom

      Because FUCK. That’s why.

  • Dubs

    This shirt seems so very against the grain of the music they make.

    • I dunno, looks pretty crappy to me.

      • Dubs

        But having a corny poop is different from a solid hulk when you’ve had nothing but vegetarian food for days.

        • J Pop Power Metal Hot Buns

          What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
          A Salad Shooter.

      • ¡MOLENAAR!

      • For real, Tide with Stain Lifter couldn’t get the dirt outta this one.

    • Rob M

      It does seem unusually aggressive for Eluveitie

    • J Pop Power Metal Hot Buns

      Pfffffffffffft, don’t even pretend that hurdygurdys and fiddles don’t make you wanna start moshing, tearing up the room and start throwing people out of windows.

      https://45.media.tumblr.com/5736315eca0660aa5a189dda5df76f01/tumblr_n4juqkpLPu1tx26npo1_500.gif

  • Fucking to Folk Metal sounds erotic.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      You’re on a roll today.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      The only song I know by them is “Thousandfold”, and it sounded like a In Flames song if you turned the rhythm guitar into a hurdygurdy and other old tymey instruments. Not that folk/10

      • Yup. Eluveitie is Clayman turned into folk thingys. I kinda dig them, but all their songs are similar.

  • megachiles

    I fucking hate it when my fucking dick gets fucked. Just once I wish my non-fucking dick would be the one to get fucked.

    Fuck :((

    • Old Man Doom

      word.

      • megachiles

        Sorry for losing my cool, fam. The free/reliable SXSW metal show we always attend (Thrasher Death Match) doesn’t appear to be happening this year, so I’m experiencing some feels atm.

  • Rob M

    Im tired of these motherfucking t-shirts about motherfucking folk metal

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/z4t6zNZ-b0A/mqdefault.jpg

  • Waynecro

    Sure, “Bloodstained Ground” is a ripper of a song, but I don’t associate this sort of overly hostile attitude with folk anything.

    • more beer

      I associate anything folk with hippies.

      • DVRKBEVRD

        dirty fucking hippies, and tapirs

        • YOU CANNOT TAKE THEM ANYWHERE.

        • more beer

          I didn’t know Tapir had dirty hippy syndrome.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            oh man. i donno what finnish hippies look like. i just assume this is what Tapir looks like:
            https://media2.giphy.com/media/5OQQxLxmLffyg/200w.gif

          • more beer

            The Dance of the Tapir!

          • DVRKBEVRD

            Ye Olde Finnish Jig

          • Sir Tapir The Based
          • didn’t you post a picture of yourself onetime? I remember you having a dope mustache, if so.

          • he did. it was for the Huntress Interactive Edition of Shirt Stains™

          • what a memory!

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            That was a famous Finnish internet-dumbass. Judging by Tapirspeak, they ain’t the same – the level of intelligence varies too much.

          • Beargod, bringing the hard truths to the turlet.

            🙁

          • oh so now you’re buying his ruse too?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I can show you, take my hand…

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Niilo is wayyyy too intelligent to be me.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            That’s what I’m sayin’

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Twas not me

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I have not. I would not.

          • more beer

            Did you have to work at looking like Joseph Stalin or did it come naturally?

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I’m his secret son.

          • more beer

            So natural.

          • J Pop Power Metal Hot Buns

            You look like General Melchett from Blackadder?

            https://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4ppd6nlzY1qadyb5o1_500.jpg

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I ain’t dirty, but some people would definitely call me a hippy.

          • more beer

            How? Hippies smoke pot, drop acid,and fornicate freely. You don’t participate in these activities

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I wouldn’t consider myself to be a hippy, but I’ve been called a hippy a few times.

          • more beer

            People calling you a hippy. Is much different than actually being one.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I never said I am one.

      • Waynecro

        “Flutes ‘n’ shit metal” would work better on an Eluveitie shirt.

          • Rob M

            Ummm…is he wearing pants?

          • This thread is full of mysteries. First: “what’s inside a hurdy gurdy?” Now: “Is Robert Plant wearing pants?”

          • lolz Robert Pants

            huehue

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Robert Plant?
            My brain hurts.

          • ¡Jajajajaja! Another satisfied customer.

          • Rob M

            Link Leonhart…putting people in the crazy house one person at a time

          • more beer

            Robert no pants!

          • ¡Roberto no pantalones!

          • more beer

            It translates the same!

          • Donde Beer? DONDE BEER?

            -Stockhausen

          • more beer

            I can not upvote this enough.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            That’s not Robert Plant.

          • Dude, look closely. It is him.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            There is some kind of shitty joke here and it is flying high above my head.

          • My nose is touching the screen – is that close enough?

          • Leave it planted while you stare. That will help.

          • Rob M

            …but I fucking suck at those magic eye images…goddammit, there is no boat!

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            It’s a schooner

          • more beer

            It’s a bunch of lines. That’s all I ever see.

          • I know, man. Was just joking 😉

          • Pure fucking pants metal.

          • Rob M

            Ah…the most metal of all genres

          • Pure fucking denim pants metal.

          • J Pop Power Metal Hot Buns

            Pure fucking Speedo metal.

            FTFY

        • more beer

          Yea flutes and metal should never be used in the same sentence. But most of all they shouldn’t be in the same band.

  • brokensnow

    They bring it live

  • “To put it in another way that these bands might understand: it’s fucking stupid”.

    That’s the 365 way to say: STOP FUCKING DOING IT.

    • Pentagram Sam

      It’s kinda weird man, I cuss a whole bunch in real life, and on the interwebs but pretty much don’t listen to too many bands that pepper their lyrics with alot of “fucks” other than say Bodom sesh’s. If I were to ever get something out musically, it def wouldn’t have alot of “fucks” in the lyrics. And fo sho not have any “Captain Edgelord” (dig that term btw) shirts either. But then after talking to me someone would prob go 🙁

  • brokensnow
    • Rob M

      …actually really digging the fiddle solo

      • I kinda wish the damn jack in the box would pop open and stop making me wait.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHmML7bu-iM

        • ¡Jajajajaja!/10

        • Rob M

          I need to see that happen at least once before the world ends

          • So does that guy, lol.

            Sawing away at that thing, day in and day out. Never, ever, seeing that fucking jack in the box.

            Poor guy.

          • Rob M

            Eh…he dosnt look too healthy. Im sure the heart attack will take him before long, and put him out of his misery.

          • I guess that is the price of being a….

            … master. MASTER.

      • more beer

        I saw a band about a month ago that had some dude playing a violin. I found it very annoying. It didn’t really add anything to the band. If anything it made them worse.

        • Rob M

          Depends on the style of music being played, but in the right context I enjoy it….but then again I also like actual folk music

          • more beer

            This wasn’t the right context. Myself and my friends used their set as an opportunity. To go outside and get blazed.

        • BobLoblaw

          Truly hope you aren’t referring to Ne Obliviscaris. Youd be wrong.

          • more beer

            No some local band.

          • BobLoblaw

            Ah. Then you were probably justified in your break. Ill allow it.

    • Waynecro

      I definitely like several of this band’s songs.

    • When this song came out I repeated it a lot. This is one of the few songs of this band that I enjoy a lot. But, for some reason, I feel that how they write the songs are very similar.

      I always think of them as a “single” band. With which I love the melodic singles and ignore the fillers.

  • Guppusmaximus
    • I owned this shirt when I was younger. Moms probably tossed it on me while doing the laundry one day.

      • Guppusmaximus

        Wanted it but my mom wouldn’t let me have it. LOL. This is the worst shirt I got to wear when I was younger and even then the Junior High I went to warned me not to wear it anymore (on the back it says “Let’s put the ‘X’ in sex”
        http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTYwMFgxMzY3/$T2eC16h,!y0E9s2S9LjbBQjwN5)PE!~~60_1.JPG?set_id=8800005007

        • Daaaaaayum.

        • 2 hot girls and 1 ugly one on that shirt.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Yeah, I don’t dig the blond either.

          • Guppusmaximus

            More like “Let’s put the ‘F’ in Ugly”

        • J Pop Power Metal Hot Buns

          Let’s put the C in ‘coffee’.

  • Knut is pure fucking dopeness and they are smart enough not to put it on a shirt.
    http://youtu.be/BJ0SqUUtpRo

  • Guppusmaximus

    Ever since I’ve been having to support that fucking mess of a “cloud” based software Office 365, every time I see your name it reminds me of the fucking wonky & solution-less issues I’ve had to deal with. My shirt for that would say:

    Office 365 – Pure Fucking Shit m/ m/

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Folk metal done right doesn’t really have too many examples. But this is one of them…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DjnTkDAF0E

    • DVRKBEVRD

      now MOONSORROW will be topping many a AOTY list. likely in my top 10 as well

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Yep, very much looking forward to their new album.

    • Rob M

      One of the best songs, from one of the best folk metal bands going
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qi55brVbnQ

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Good stuff. I only dislike folk metal when it becomes too much of a ridiculously cheery party

        …which sadly enough applies to about 95% of the well known folk metal bands.

        • Rob M

          Im not a huge fan of the “medieval drinking music” styles like Korpiklaani, but some of my favorite metal bands are actually folk metal

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Korpiklaani is fucking terrible. Anyone that likes them should be taken behind the sauna.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            It’s actually those “cider party” bands such as Korpiklaani I (possibly wrongly) associate with folk metal. There’s probably a ton of good stuff to find, but to be honest it’s a subgenre of metal I need to explore some more.

          • Rob M

            I think thats what most people think of when folk metal comes to mind…I tend to bunch Folk, Pagan, and Viking bands all together when I talk about this genre.

            There are some really good bands out there though…Heidevolk is one I enjoy, Saor is another

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I’ve heard about Saor a few times, but I’m not familiar with Heidevolk. I will put them on the list. Thanks for the recommendations!

          • DVRKBEVRD

            do ittttt. Saor brings it

          • Rob M

            No problem…if you dig Saor, check out Askival as well. Same guy, but its a bit more ambient

        • DVRKBEVRD

          i used to be really into folk metal, like a dingus, theres still some gooduns out there, but now i prefer my folk as just regular folk or with a post or blackened backing. a la Empyrium
          https://youtu.be/zsrqSq1SSeM

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Yeah I like Empyrium. I don’t know what subgenre Agalloch fall into, but I’ve always been a huge fan of their work as well.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdVobP7DegY

          • DVRKBEVRD

            i dont even let people who dont like agalloch under my roof. them an wolves in the throne room probably my most coveted USBM acts (id still classify them both as cascadian, but agalloch def does folk well)

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Oh yeah, I love Wolves in the Throne Room as well. It seems USBM gets a lot of shit, but to be honest I feel that it did gave birth to a few very interesting bands. WITTR, Agalloch, Cobalt…

          • DVRKBEVRD

            Grand Belials Key, Nightbringer

          • You guis have to be making up names now lol

          • Dubs

            Nightbringer are pretty rad. Colorado metal.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            just bought a raddd colored copy of Ego Dominus Tuus

          • Rob M

            Solid band…they need to learn how to trim their songs down though

          • Dubs

            Mooooost bands do.

          • Rob M

            True…but I dont think those guys have ever done anything under 8 minutes

          • DVRKBEVRD

            I don’t think their newest suffers from this problem quite as much as apocalypse sun or hierophany of an open grave did

          • DVRKBEVRD

            You should also check out Bestia Arcana which is another one of his projects

          • Rob M

            Yeah..thats an older project if I remember right..I’ll be sure to give them a spin.

          • Rob M

            I’ll agree with that…it was definitely a bit more dynamic in the song length than previous albums, but they still have a few that milk that running time. Thats where they always start to fall apart for me

          • Dubs

            For some bands, extending that run time a bit into a particularly solid groove can be a bit of syncopation in itself in that you expect the thing to end. It doesn’t work for most.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            It seems like his albums are supposed to do that with the whole mind trip kind of things

          • I really liked their song Sister Christian.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            To be fair not everybody in the band is from Colorado or American

          • Dubs

            Well, Lars Ulrich was born in Denmark.

          • more beer

            That’s right. They are only in Colorado for the weed.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            Panopticon

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Nightbringer’s Ego Dominus Tuus got quite some spins from me in 2014. Akhlys’ The Dreaming I was pretty good as well.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            One of my favorites from last year

          • BobLoblaw

            That GBK is some stinky bait.

      • Dubs

        Legions of the North is a pretty schweet album.

        • Rob M

          Im a big fan of this band, so I do like that one, but Im still on the fence somewhat about the move to English lyrics.

          I think they did a better job with last years S/T album because it balanced the English and Swedish songs a bit more

    • well i’m certainly not joining this party (RFI)

      • DVRKBEVRD

        cmonnnn, its already all sweaty in here

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        JOIN US

        • DVRKBEVRD

          WE ARE LEGION

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        How about some Primordial then?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv5_PtpgaUc

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          If people don’t like Primordial they can fuck off. This song is a fucking masterpiece.
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KIduNQ5BYk

          • Dubs

            Primordial >>>

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            To the Nameless Dead is a masterpiece in general. As was The Gathering Wildness.
            In fact, only Redemption at the Puritan’s Hand maybe was a tad disappointing and even that album was still pretty decent.

          • Rob M

            They really dont have any “bad” albums…some are just a little better than others

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            True. Their albums are either “good” or “really really fucking good”.

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            The first time I listened to that album I broke my neck.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Holy fuck yes, perfect song

  • BobLoblaw

    One shirt? We’ve been gypped.

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