Shirt Stains: Five Finger Death Punch Pervert Mask

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Guess where those five fingers are going, solider.

Everyone’s favorite band that pretends they’re in the military but really just likes guns and jingoism, Five Finger Death Punch are arguably one of the biggest bands in hard rock today. Granted, there’s really only like 5 or 6 bands left that fit into that genre that aren’t still selling tickets to the Warped Tour Battle Of The Bands, but you know what I mean. In the Venn diagram of meatheads and mega patriots, Five Finger Death Punch is nestled snugly in the middle. Of course, to help spread that success and bring in more bucks, a band has to have merchandise. Beyond shirts and hoodies, FFDP also have their own pint glasses, pillows, hockey jerseys, bobbleheads and fanny packs. It only makes sense that they’d also have their own rubber masks. Wait, what?

Trick Or Treat Studios is a Halloween mask and costume shop based out of Soquel, California. Their products range from “Hey, these are pretty cool” to “Oh my god, kill it with fire!” As you can see, beyond the usual horror monsters and creatures, Trick Or Treat Studios also makes masks from the metal world. They’ve got masks for Ghost and Rob Zombie plus the The Fiend from The Misfits, the warpig thingy from Motorhead for some reason, and a lot of Eddies from Iron Maiden. All three are classic mascots so it makes sense. Five Finger Death Punch’s mascot? Come on. I’d venture to say a majority of metal fans and probably FFDP fans don’t even know the mascot’s name. If I told you it was named “Chungus Meatlog” you’d think “Yeah, that makes sense.” Either way, the fine folks at TOT Studios have created a mask for good ol’ Chungus Meatlog and here it is in all its glory.

Yeeeuuuurgghhh. That’s one scary looking skull…face…thing. I don’t mean it’s scary like “Oh, I don’t want to mess with that guy” scary. It’s scary like “This guy keeps hanging out at the playground and I don’t think he’s with any of these kids.” That’s not a criticism of the work Trick Or Treat Studios has done. This looks quality. It’s just the source material that both sucks and blows and then sucks again. It’s kinda pudgy and sickly looking. The teeth remind me of every person at the bus station that’s not going to work or class. Chungus (h/t Jim Sterling) has that “come hither” stare that parents and authorities warn you about. He has the look of someone who knows the exact temperature to microwave a cantaloupe for optimal fucking temperature. The brass knuckles in its mouth are there by court order. If they were taken out, all you’d need is a “put genitals here” sign above it. You can practically hear the labored breathing coming out of that pleasure shroud.

It’s incredibly appropriate that it’s a right hand across his face. Less appropriate that it’s red. Are there enough Five Finger Death Punch fans out there that want a FFDP Chungus mask? They’d better be sure that they want it because, according to their website, “Trick or Treat Studios does not accept cancellations after an approved order has been processed.” That’s a legal version of “no backsies.” For $50, you’d better be sure you want this thing in your presence. It’s entirely possible that it is cursed and will slowly attach itself to your skin, Goosebumps style. He probably knows Pogfucker (uh, possibly NSFW warning).

This is the mask The Gimp wears when his usual mask is at the cleaners. This is the mask you wear when you don’t want to receive candy on Halloween. This is the mask Zoltan Bathory wears when he’s been a bad, bad boy and wants to be dominated by a strong, independent woman wearing a pantsuit. This is the mask Phil Labonte wears when mastur-crying. Ivan Moody wears this mask as punishment for when he quits and unq-uits the band.

Hail Chungus Meatlog! He can be all yours at this location. Don’t wear him around any schools or in poorly ventilated rooms.

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