Shirt Stains: Filthy Cradle


Say what you will about Cradle of Filth. That’s it. That’s the end of that sentence. Go ahead and head to the comments section to say what you want about Cradle of Filth. They are, or at least were, a fairly divisive band in the greater metal community. Their popularity amongst the Hot Topic mall metal crowd rubbed “trve” metal fans the wrong way. Dani Filth’s, um, unique vocals have been a turn-off for those who might otherwise enjoy CoF’s training wheels version of symphonic black metal. Whether you like their music is irrelevant right now because this is Shirt Stains where we make fun of band merch and, oh sweet Nymphetamine does Cradle Of Filth have awful, no good, very bad merchandise.

Her Lolbuttz In The Fog


What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on with this shirt? Let’s break it down: Bald, giant that kind of looks like Jens Kidman from Meshuggah has flames for hair and the chin of Jay Leno. He/She/It has dragonfly wings and an expression that says “Psssssh…yeeeeeah I think I’ll get a slice of the Heath Bar Cake. What the hell, I’m on vacation.” To make matters worse (?) the giant has a face and hand of a smaller giant bursting out of it’s chest and turning it into a game of Breakout

What does any of this have to do with Cradle of Filth. I don’t know and more importantly I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know if it’s a reference to a song or an album. I don’t want to know if it comes from one of Dani Filth’s wet trees where he’s running through a fog-filled forest backwards while screeching “I’ve been a bad wittle boy.” I don’t want to know if this is the only thing on their rider and they will only play if this exact scene is recreated using Beanie Babies.

This looks familiar…

cradleof filth

A demonic Pope on a heavy metal shirt? How incredibly and totally original! Man, I really need to add those types of shirts to my Shirt Stains to-do pile. In fact, the band Savage Messiah logo pretty much the same thing as this shirt. It doesn’t matter which one is first, Savage Messiah have laid claim to this very ridiculous idea. Let them have it. Please let them have it.

Cradle Of Filth shirts are known to push the envelopes of decency and good taste (as you’ll see below). This one is pretty tame in comparison to the point where it’s almost funny. Pope looks like he’s either about to dive mouth first into a pile of Burger King Mac n’ Cheetos or he’s about to sneeze something fierce. Like one of those sneezes where your nostrils start to tickle and you feel it building and building and you just let it out with the force of a thousand dying suns. Is he planning to stab you or himself with that crucifix? I guess we’ll never know. It’s one of life’s little mysteries along with “Who would buy this?” and “How many times did they get their underwear pulled over their head while wearing this?”

A Gothic Bromance


Is that…is that supposed to be Dani Filth? I’m not even trying to be funny when I ask that. I am genuinely unsure if that is indeed Mr. Filth or a lady. I’m pretty sure it’s him, but not enough to pick him out of a lineup should the authorities require it. It looks like he’s lost weight. A lot of weight. Are you on Atkins, Dani? Looks like you need a whole new wardrobe, buddy.

Is he in pain? Excitement? Is he yawning? Where did his left hand go? Why is his right hand getting all grabby with his chesticle area? I’m sure there’s a bone-ing/skeleton joke somewhere in there, but it’s not worth fleshing out. Heeey, the joke worked itself out. It’s nice when things work out that way.

Sports Goth


Lots of different wearables come to mind when thinking of a band like Cradle of Filth: T-shirts, long sleeves, hoodies to be sure, but also more extravagant things like corsets, fingerless fishnet gloves, vinyl mini skirts, black lipstick. You get the idea. A baseball hat is not one of those things I would expect the band to sell. There are actually a few out there. It just seems a little weird since they don’t come off like a “baseball hat” kind of band. Machine Head, Pantera, Korn and, uh, Infant Annihilator all make sense. A Cradle of Filth hat just seems out of left field.

It doesn’t help that this hat is uglier than the reaction from a drunken Red Sox fan after you remind them that David Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing substances in 2003. Their already kind-of hard-to-read logo does not lend itself to quality stitching. Everything is smushed together to make it look like it says Graple Of Earth. What’s with the green face? Is it supposed to be some sort of tentacle-faced monster? A martian eating a strawberry with his two best maggot buddies? I don’t know what the triangle is supposed to mean. It would’ve been better off taking Smash Mouth’s advice and look kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead. After all, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming.



General Tryhard And The Edge Masters Of The Universe present this Cradle Of Filth shirt.

Written by:

Published on: July 8, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 1397

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  • Lacertilian

    Starting cracking up here and
    Thanks 365, I needed that!

    • Mother Shabubu

      Bullshit With Dragonfly Wings.

  • “Go ahead and head to the comments section to say what you want about Cradle of Filth.”




    • CyberneticOrganism


    • Abradolf Lincler

      not missing much

  • Waynecro

    In the days before everyone had access to the Internet, I knew a guy who thought that Dani Filth was a lady who did both the screaming and the operatic vocals for Cradle. After he found out definitively that Dani Filth is a guy, he became a vegetarian and started riding a bicycle. I saw him at Whole Foods Market buying watercress one time. He was wearing a Poison the Well shirt.

    • Eliza

      What a story.

      • CyberneticOrganism


    • He appears to have made some positive changes in his life and he has COF to thank for it.

      • Waynecro

        He did become an insufferable douche, though.

        • Ruth Franklin

          <<o. ✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:::::::!bq614p:….,..

    • Max

      “After he found out definitively that Dani Filth is a guy, he became a vegetarian and started riding a bicycle.”

      That’s my first laugh of the day right there.

  • Mother Shabubu

    In eighth grade I bought “Damnation and a Day” during our class’ trip to D.C. That album was the most extreme thing I had heard at the time, and was a catalyst for me finding more extreme music, and cool writers like H.P. Lovecraft. So they have a place in my heart for that.

    • Eliza

      I have similar feelings for them. It was in the comment section for a CoF video that I first found out about the term “black metal”.

      • I never found them as a black metal band, we used to listen to them because we found them more “gothic” and we consumed all those corset clad and mascara from the videos of that fashion in that era.

        • Eliza

          Gothic suites them better, I agree. I wouldn’t dress like that though.

    • Waynecro

      I still jam Dusk and Cruelty from time to time. Even Midian has its moments. I think I liked a song off the new album too.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      COF was my gateway band as well.

  • Middenface McFidget

    I suppose their most (in)famous shirt would have been too easy but it seems to be a perennial favourite of edgy teens.

    • BobLoblaw

      The nun fingering herself? They also had some classy womens underwear with a “slick sex slit”.

    • Mother Shabubu

      “So, I’m a cūñt, am I?”

  • COF is a band that is bad and not good.

  • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

    That first one looks like that lady is being stalked by a super pervy, molestache-toting Ben Kingsley.

  • Eliza

    To me, CoF are like campy horror movies, I enjoy them the most on Halloween. With that being said, I genuinely love albums like Dusk and Her Embrace, Nymphetamine and Cruelty and the Beast.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Twisted Nails of Faith is a great track.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™


  • tertius_decimus

    Limp Bizkit >>>>>>>>>>> CoF.

    • Abradolf Lincler


    • Eliza

      That’s taking things a little it too far.

      • tertius_decimus

        I knew you’d like this comparison.

        • Eliza

          Lol! If there’s one thing that Limp Bitzkit have over CoF is that the latter’s lyrics have never mad eme laugh as hard as the former’s.

          • tertius_decimus


  • Rob M

    Only thing CoF ever put out that was worth a damn were the demo’s they did when they were still a death metal band

  • That hat could pass for a half slam half Monster Energy drink thing. Give it to a motocross rider for maximum bro and pulls.

  • Cradle of Filth’s videos are lolfactories and I can’t recommend them enough. Side-note: I like Dani’s voice and wish he would do a thrash band instead.

  • sweetooth0

    I like everything they did up to about Midian. After that, they turned to pretty much shit with only the occasional track being decent. I also have the infamous Jesus is a Cunt shirt, which I bought while on a trip to Spain of all places.

  • Count_Breznak

    Is Dani small, or just really far away ?

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Still love the Goetia demos.

  • JWEG

    Once during my own personal metal prehistory (so way before 2005 when I decided to embrace my inner metalhead), when MuchMusic was still actively courting ‘niche’ genres, and when “Much Loud” was still a 30-minute weekly Metal program hosted by the incomparably cool George Stromboulopoulos, and not a failed cable spinoff station which played nothing but mallcore and pop-punk until its demise, I saw one video by CoF set in an obviously-studio-set ‘winter forest’.

    It was silly. It was shrieky. I didn’t like it. The next video, which was almost definitely OSDM (band unrecalled) I kind of dug more, even though I was far from the mindset needed to definitively appreciate it.

    What it did teach me was that, far from the stereotypes I was used to hearing when I was younger still (our little town literally nearly excommunicated a middle school music teacher for introducing the kids to Guns n’ Roses), there was a lot of range to the genre. Sadly due to limited resources I was still a decade away from acting on that impulse. But I got there eventually…

    • Hans Müller

      Just in case you want to revisit the cringiness, it was probably Her Ghost in the Fog. Not a song about vaping with your girlfriend, sadly.

      • JWEG

        Could very well be it.

        I could almost swear it was pre-y2k by at least a few years, but I might have conflated more than one memory of the dark non-metal period between my childhood thrash metal exposure and mid-20s wider-genre immersion.

    • brokensnow

      Much Music FTW!

  • Abradolf Lincler

    Poop in, poop out.

  • Holy Filths, the CoF merch is a filthy lolbuttzfactory.

    Objectively, I know CoF generally make awful music, but since they were a gateway band to the extreme metal genre to me (and, in my opinion, have some good moments in their discography) I just respect them for working hard all the years they have in their career.

    • Max

      And the hard work payed off. I read somewhere once that Dani Filth is probably one of only a few people in the UK metal scene who made it to being a millionaire.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I kinda appreciate Cradle of Filth, at least for the first few albums, in a sort of very English, grandly eccentric way. Quite good fun. Obligatory mention of the legend of a friend of mine pushing Dani over in a pub once.

    • Hans Müller

      * Quite Jolly good fun

  • Hans Müller

    I must admit I’m wearing an old CoF shirt right now. It’s been some years since I wore it outside the house though. Used to jam everything up until Damnation and can still listen to Midian for nostalgia’s sake.

  • Dani’s “wet trees”?

  • BobLoblaw

    Am I the only one that watched the movie they made?

    • Elizabeth Short

      I lasted 10 minutes. Only other movie I have ever actively walked out on was Gummo. Own that one and masochistically put myself through it every once in awhile, but the Cradle one…just…no.

      • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

        Wait, wait, wha……… you actually walked out of Gummo? Gummo was an awesome, if uneasy, film.

        • Elizabeth Short

          Clarification: I own the movie, and have seen it more times than any rational person should, but given the amount of liquor and mushrooms involved, it was maybe not the best mindset to be in to walk in half way through the movie and start trying to figure out why anything in that movie was happening.

          • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

            Oh, gotcha! Lol, one of my friends decided years ago to go see Passion Of The Christ after a hit of acid. As you can probably guess, it didn’t quite turn out well, lol.

          • Elizabeth Short

            I actually saw the mel gibson of the jeebus on good friday when it came out initially in theatres. That was maybe even more surreal than Gummo on mushrooms. Lots of people that work in cubicles openly weeping and turning down my polite offers of popcorn to soothe their vicarious suffering. Ingrates.

      • Elizabeth Short

        In context, I was 15 and it had just come out a few months previous. I love the shit out of that icky, icky movie, and I honestly do watch it on a half-way regular, but first time I walked in was also a room full of Slipknot roadies, morons from the band, and dudes from tangential bands. They actually thought it was mayhaps a real thing, and were legitimately squirming.

      • BobLoblaw

        Walking out on a movie is weird. They are worlds away from each other, Gummo isnt actually bad.

        • Elizabeth Short

          Unsure if disqus is just screwing with me, but I replied to this earlier and I don’t see it posted. I really like Gummo, it was just an odd situation to walk in to the first time I saw it. Saw the part where the awkward part

      • BobLoblaw

        Also it would be hard to passively walk out on a movie.

        • Elizabeth Short

          Not going to try to post something from youtube via cellphone, just imagine that Simpsons meme of Homer disappearing into the hedges. Fairly accurate.

          • BobLoblaw

            Its actually quite easy.

  • brokensnow

    Lovecraft and Witchheart is great.