The advertisers know all your secrets!
There used to be a time where if you wanted a cheap knock-off band shirt, you had to go to the War Memorial Arena or Veterans Field or whatever arena was closest to you, hang out in the parking lot after the show, and offer a sketchy guy $10 for something that wouldn’t fit right and might have misspellings. Thanks to the internet, you don’t even have to leave your house to get wearable garbage. Ebay is chock full of bootlegs. Don’t have time to do all that pesky typing and searching? No problem! Facebook has you covered. Now these bootleg band shirts come right to your eyeballs, whether you want them to or not.
TovH power user Te Nü-Djent has graciously sent me some of these bootlegs straight from the stinky underbelly of Mark Zuckerberg’s TheFacebook.com. Get ready to smash that ‘Like’ button straight to Hell before going back to posting dank memes and looking at your ex’s pictures.
Slayer – Reign In Dadbod
This Slayer shirt, which shows members of the band looking extra feathery inside of the Stargate, is an absolute joy because it implies that there is at least one embarrassed teenager who has to endure it. A dad is going to rock the shit out of this while going to the bake sale and choir practice. He’s going to blast Diabolus in Musica on the way to dropping the kids off at junior prom. I can’t decide if the color scheme is supped to be for the Buffalo Sabres or the Los Angeles Rams. Either way, it adds a whole new level of sadness. What exactly are we not supposed to be underestimating? The dad’s ability to fall asleep with a bowl of popcorn on his gut while watching The Big Bang Theory? His skills at being able to hide porn on the family computer? God hates us all, but he especially hates this shirt.
Pantera – Old Man Needs 5 Minutes Alone
Great. It’s the same shirt just with a different band, color scheme and “father” has been swapped out for “old man.” I guess this shirt is for older gentleman who have not sired children. Or for creepy guys whose biker wives refer to them as “my old man.” This shirt comes with your choice of a black eye, road rash, or gum disease. This shirt goes with the Pittsburgh Steelers/Pirates/Penguins color scheme. Citizens of Pittsburgh should toss these in the Allegheny River. I get the feeling that the makers of this shirt also have a Confederate Flag print version as well. All pulls gotten and lost in a single moment.
Mike Patton – Parents just don’t understand
I’ve seen a whole bunch of these shirts with different bands. Metallica, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Slayer etc. This shirt for Mike Patton feels specific considering just how many bands and projects he has, but it kind of makes sense. Patton is a bit left-of-center with his own unique brand and style. That being said, this shirt is still an awful sandwich with a side of dorkslaw. The saying drips with an unholy mixture of douchy pretentiousness and a superiority complex seen only in people who wear vape-pen shaped fedoras smoking from fedora-shaped vape pens. The shirt manages to undercut its own message by using the most plain photo of Patton in existence. For a man known for his expressive facials and energetic performances, this picture looks like he’s ready to belt out your favorite 90’s rock hits at Cue Ballz. Crop out the microphone and this can double as Patton’s Tinder profile picture. If you don’t understand Mike Patton, swipe left.
Oh, nice. They now make aggressive try-hard memes into shirts now. I can practically smell the coal rolls and Bob Evans turkey gravy now. This shirt isn’t for any specific band, but you could probably name at least a dozen off the top of your head that would appeal to their audience. If you buy this shirt, a pair of camo pants materialize on you out of thin air, a patchy goatee sprouts on your face, a cheap tribal tattoo appears on your arm, and muscle mass depletes from your calves. Of course there are flames on this shirt. Of course there’s a laughing skull on this shirt. All that’s missing is a crying eagle skullfucking a bloody wolf. This takes the pretentiousness of the Patton shirt, drowns it in Milwaukee’s Best and tells you to quit all that fancy pantsy book readin’ and get a job down at the Wal-Mart like a real man.
Iron Maiden – Rabbitohs To The Hills
The South Sydney Rabbitohs are a professional Australian rugby team and definitely not a really gross new meal from Chef Boyardee. Actor Russell Crowe took over the team in 2006. That bit of trivia just pushed a loved one’s birth date out of your head. This shirt goes after the niche market of a) Australian rugby fans that b) like the Rabbitohs and c) like Iron Maiden. Wear it to a party and people will be saying “Rabbitohshit, it’s time to leave!”5XL? There must be some American Rabbitohs fans out there.
I’m out of my depth on this one, but that is pretty specific. Eddie seems pretty psyched about it though. If you look at this shirt too quickly, it looks like he’s wearing a San Francisco 49ers jersey. I like the description on this one “Only for Iron Maiden lovers from Rabbitohs fan!” This implies that the team only has one fan and they better love Iron Maiden. Are you a Judas Priest fan? Fuck off, the Rabbitohs don’t need your bullshit!
The Detroit Slayer Lions
This one’s just sad. Yes, that’s the same over-feathered picture of Slayer used in the ‘Father’ bootleg. The angry American flag skull belongs on that meme shirt up above. Someone just decided to slap the Slayer logo and the Detroit Lions logo on it just hoping someone buys it. Haven’t the Lions suffered enough?Maybe a Bears or Vikings fan should buy this instead since people might interpret it as a Slayer of the Detroit Lions.
This shirt makes me hate Slayer, the Lions, and America. Maybe this is how foreign nations plan to bring us down. They inundate us with bad t-shirts that make us hate the things we love. We get depressed and never leave the couch, leaving us ripe for invasion. Someone get Alex Jones on the phone! Tell him to cheer for the Edmonton Eskimos and invest in Tim Horton’s franchises!
Kid Rock – Kid STD
“Share with your friends.” Right, like whoever wears this shirt has friends. All they have is a stained pair of denim shorts, a crumpled-up cowgirl hat, and a penicillin shot.
2 Cool 4 School
SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!