Shirt Stains: “Extremely Bad Shirts For Extreme People” Edition

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Oops. Wrong Extreme.

Death Metal. Grindcore. Speed Metal. Thrash. Whatever labels you want to bestow upon these bands, we can all agree that they fall under the “extreme” category of music. And no, I don’t mean extreme like riding a kayak down a waterfall while slamming Mountain Dew and Doritos 3Ds.

When it comes to shirts for these types of bands, you can pretty much expect some really detailed art depicting graphic images of violence. Not exactly something you’d wear to grandma’s for Thanksgiving, though it would be easier to wear that than explain to her why you’re not married yet and haven’t moved out of the basement. Personal preferences aside, you know what you’re getting with these bands. But this is Shirt Stains. You’re not getting the typical. You’re getting the bargain bin mistake shirts found in a closet from a closed Sam Goody.

Brutal Truth – Magilla Gorilla

brutaltruthshirtstains

This is bad. I don’t care how much you love Brutal Truth, there’s no way you can say this is a good shirt. It looks like someone took a picture of Arnold Schwarzenneger and Coco the gorilla and mashed them up with Mario Paint. I like how he’s an affront to god, but still has his full shirt collar. They show this shirt at Photoshop tutorials to lighten the mood.

Look at the sadness in his eyes. He knows he doesn’t belong. He knows the boys down at the Yacht Club will never accept him and that his fiance Fee Fee will leave him for that pretty boy Chaz Bonerchlong IV.

You just know this manrilla wants to whisper “Kill me! Please kill me! Every moment I live is agony!” but all he can do is let out an operatic “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Or maybe he’s just yawning.

Cattle Decapitation – Hold On, Let Me Get My Reading Glasses

cattledecapshirtstains

Cattle Decap has a long line of good (and offensive) t-shirts which makes this one seem so much worse. What is going on here and I’m not just talking about the pictures of torture. Those are pretty terrible, though. It looks like Eli Roth’s doodle pad when he’s in-between movies.

There’s so much going on here. So much text in different fonts all over the place. And wait a minute. This design looks very familiar.

It’s helpful that they put the band name at the top. That way you know there’s no need to read any further. Is someone going to stop you in the street and say, “Excuse me. I’d like to read everything on your shirt. Would you mind awkwardly standing still while I slowly absorb all that which is upon your shirt? Hmmm. Yes, I see. This is quite the slice of life! Thank you, kind stranger, for spreading the various quotes and witticisms to the masses. I bid you adieu!”

Nah. People will just see this, automatically judge you as well as all metal fans, and laugh about you with their co-workers at the water cooler.

Napalm Death – You Suffer, But BLAAARARGGGGHHHHH

napalmdeathshirtstains

This shirt is what happens when you have too much Jalapeno Poppers and Georgia Moon corn whiskey. This shirt is what happens when Alan Moore asks R. Crumb for original artwork. This shirt happens when you ask a nun to describe the movie Salo. This shirt is what happens when you ask to borrow notes from the weird kid in class and you accidentally come across his sketches.

What the bloody hell is going on with this shirt, Napalm Death? The design for this is the physical embodiment of a fever dream. We’ve got Go-Bots, a kid playing video games, fire, and, oh yeah, a guy in a suit shitting out some sort of worm monster. Napalm Death’s name is barely on the shirt, almost as if it was forgotten and quickly added in at the end. It would have been better for all parties if they had just forgotten completely.

Cannibal Corpse – Cartoon of the Mutilated

cannibalcorpseshirtstains

Cannibal Corpse are known for their vicious, graphic lyrics and album artwork. So why do we get a cartoon zombie more suited for the Tales From The Cryptkeeper cartoon. Cannibal Corpse wants us to be horrified and we can only giggle. What is going on with the perspective? Zombie or not, a neck doesn’t bend like that.

Did the zombie take a few Alka-Seltzers before gnawing on some flesh? Guess he doesn’t want indigestion. And is the zombie eating another zombie? That’s like…a double zombie. I can hear the tapping of chubby fingers on laptops right now working out that terrible horror movie. What does it say near the decapitated body? Radid? Radip? Radio? Is Cannibal Corpse killing radio? Well, we all know that’s not true. Someone help me out here.

Maybe this is intended for the children of Cannibal Corpse fans, sort of like a death metal starter kit? Let strangers know how cool your record collection is when you force your child to wear a Cannibal Corpse shirt!

Morbid Angel – Sassy Demon

morbidangelshirtstains

Nothing says “extreme” like a sassy demon. I think this demon beats out Slipknot’s zazzy skeleton lady. Look at that pose! The tilt of the hips, the bend in the legs, the twist of the torso. It’s all “Hey, fellas. C’mere a minute. I wanna show you something!” It’s daintily standing on the broken crucifix, as if there’s a mouse on the floor and it’s too afraid to get down. And look how it’s holding the inverted cross. All that’s missing is the upturned pinkie.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on behind the demon. Smoke? Fog? Incense to set the mood for when the demon takes you into her cougar layer for some boneage? Random gray smudges for no real reason? The line “Your God Is Dead” on the back is just a barrel of laughs. How can Morbid Angel be all tough and blasphemous with the satanic equivalent of a secretary that has had a few too many Cosmos at Karaoke Night? You’re not fooling anyone, Morbid Angel.

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  • I kinda love that Napalm Death shirt. I want more mid-2000s scenecore designs for legendary bands.

    • Gvacamole Jim

      That one was the only one that I felt didn’t merit being ripped on.. I dig that shirt.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      I love it as well. If they still sold that shirt I would buy it. I can’t wait to see them in February so I can buy a shirt of theirs.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I’ve been looking for a name for that shitty (heh) type of colorful splattery art that was everywhere for awhile. “Mid-2000s scenecore” is definitely it.

  • Poseur Diposeur

    I love this feature. My girlfriend was trying to buy me some metal shirts for Christmas and she could hardly find anything that didn’t feature graphic mutilation or some variation of the phrase ___ FUCKING ___. She ended up buying me two Ween shirts instead

    • “Piss Up a Rope” >>>>>> Any cliche metal design

      • Poseur Diposeur

        You a Ween fan? I wouldn’t be surprised seeing as how you are clearly a badass

        • Hahahaha, I am. I know Christian is also a fan.

          • Poseur Diposeur

            Man I love this site more every day. Someone should write a Ween post for the Toilet

          • Gvacamole Jim

            .. the fuck is Ween?

            Besides the obvious, of course 8=D

          • Poseur Diposeur

            one of the greatest bands of all time. not remotely metal but they cover a huge variety of genres making wacky, perfectly written music that is sometimes really accessible but too ridiculous to be mainstream. their older shit is also really harsh at times

          • Cool vibes for ingesting substances.

          • KJM

            Aw yeah.

          • KJM

            “If you think
            that I’m a loser
            well you suck…”

          • boing! jajajaja

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        My first thought as well.

    • And later that night came the romantic sexy time music!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PAzqBUNlCs

  • Tyreeks of Unholy Asshole
    • CyberneticOrganism

      Hey I’m in a snowmobile club with that one guy

  • Ohh, I liked the Cannibal Corpse one. The angle of the illustration is pretty good 😀 def use it

  • Keegan Lavern Still

    To me, the sassy demon design isn’t something you’d pick up on at first glance, but once you did you could never un-see it. Now, when I look at that so-so design -because I’m convinced this shit was the impetus behind Freud developing the idea of free association- all’s I can see is this:

  • ..

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      That is still better than their abysmal remix album. Listening to both albums made me want to chop my ears off and gouge my eyes out. Morbid Angel should not have a remix album. These songs are basically what the remixes are like and they suck.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pANGLdbT3xY

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo8pVocGuvA

      • Max

        Well, the thing is – there was precedent for it. They’d had Laibach remix them for an EP back in the Covenant era, and it was actually kinda good. Although I must admit I heard the EP before I heard the album, and once I got the album I rarely went back to the EP.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          I’m not a fan of Laibach or those remixes. They’re probably better than the Illud remix album though.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    “Nothing says “extreme” like a sassy demon” ….lol!

    Great band name…

  • Xan

    I don’t buy very many band shirts. I prefer beanies. Nothing says badass (and basement dwelling virgin) like an Ensiferum beanie with a viking on the back.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      got pics?

      • Xan

        Aye! I wish I could find a Woods of Ypres or Novembers Doom beanie but haven’t been successful in that venture. I’m pretty sure the only way you can get one is if you get it custom made and I don’t like the idea of spending $35-50 on an article of clothing that you can only wear for 3 months out of the year.

        • nice looking beanies, mr. Xan!

          • Xan

            #Swag

          • #Yolo #MetalSwagging #DidntChooseThugLife #ThugLifeChoosedMe

          • CyberneticOrganism

            #BeanieLife

          • #9gagarmy

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            very cool, I didnt know these even existed.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I’ve been thinking of buying a Morbid Angel beanie and a shirt of theirs. I’ll probably do it.

          • Xan

            I couldn’t find a beanie from Morbid Angel that didn’t say “Extreme Music for Extreme People” on the back of the beanie. I refuse to wear that.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I’d buy a beanie that says that on the back if I knew where to buy them.

          • pics or didn’t happen.. hope it doesn’t got those bastard text of “your God is dead” lol

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I haven’t decided on the exact shirt yet. I’ll either buy an Altars Of Madness shirt I found or a tour shirt from last year’s Covenant tour off their website.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            good move

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            merch is cool!

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          I know people whi wear beanie year-round.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I love your name. It makes me laugh.

          • Xan

            Those people have the ability to withstand great heat then. There’s no way I’d wear a beanie when it’s 100 degrees and 100% humidity.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            How much is 100 degrees in celsius?

          • Xan

            37.8

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I could wear a hat in that. One of those light beanies I mentioned. (Though it never ever gets that hot in here ‘lest your in sauna which would be cold at 37.8) At holiday in say Spain or Turkey I could wear a light beanie at that.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            There are also some very light beanies. Almost like bandanas as far as heaviness is considered

        • TTDR

          sweet..(had to post as guest) too hard to log in while driving)

        • GOD ov VOID

          I have the exact same eluveitie beanie! Got it at one of their shows. Hands down my favorite folk metal band.

          • Xan

            Definitely my favorite. I feel that they’re a lot easier to enjoy for someone who doesn’t enjoy a much folk metal because the sound is very reminiscent of melodic death metal.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I’ve got a Dark Funeral hat like this. I wore it into a bank one time by accident. The elderly teller was not amused.

          • Xan

            I need to get a Dark Funeral beanie. Strange, a couple years ago I couldn’t stand black metal but it appears this is the year where I’m finally getting into it. I still don’t like some of the Norwegian bands simply because the sound is so thin but a lot of newer black metal and death black bands have been creating amazing content this year.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            enter the void (WITH BEANIE)!

  • Gvacamole Jim

    “How can Morbid Angel be all tough and blasphemous with the satanic equivalent of a secretary that has had a few too many Cosmos at Karaoke Night?”

    fucking LOL

    • Tyreeks of Unholy Asshole
      • David Vincent on Tinder

        I bought this the other day, can’t stop listening to this song and/or ignoring Steve Tucker http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVs0Fmv8TH4

        • Tyreeks of Unholy Asshole

          Altars of Madness is untouchable.

          Steve Tucker is the shit. Gateways to Annihilation was the first Morbid Angel album I ever purchased. That was back when I was in middle school.

        • Gateways is criminally underrated. Dat solo at the Secured Limitations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTnfh1db860

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            This album is one of their best. Same goes for Formulas which is my favorite of the Steve Tucker albums. David Vincent should still be ashamed of himself for releasing Illud Divinum Insanus and its remix album which is even worse. Trust me, listening to the remix album is a surefire way to get so enraged you get sucked into the void.

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            My big beef with Formulas is would have killed them to not clump 3 ambient tracks at the very end?! That is like one of the biggest mistakes I have ever born witness too.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I like a lot of ambient music so it wasn’t that much of a problem with me. It becomes a problem if you overuse electronics for ambient song such as Paradise Lost when they went electronic/ambient.

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            I liked the ambient tracks as well but it just made the whole album so uneven to me.

          • Tyreeks of Unholy Asshole

            This song in general is great. Scary as fuck too.

  • Tom Waits For Better Days

    Apart from that Cattle Decap. shirt nothing was too bad. I wouldn’t wear any of these but that’s not much said yet.

  • Gvrp

    I hate to be OT, but uh, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFinNxS5KN4 is out and I feel really nervous…

    • DoYouThinkHeSaurus

      *flush*

    • das all right, i can watch the trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron a thousand more times…

      • Simon PhoenixKing

        Now… there are no strings on me.

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    I’ve noticed that since graduating high school my taste for blatantly graphic/offensive band shirts has dwindled.

    • Gvrp

      Funny how that works.

    • KJM

      The most graphic I ever got with my shirts was Iron Maiden(i.e. not at all).

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        I have a couple shirts that are pretty graphic. A Cannibal Corpse shirt that has a rotting zombie-guy being lowered headfirst into a bubbling cauldron full of boiling blood & bones on the front, and on the back in giant red letters “SUBMERGED IN BOILING FLESH.” I also have a Devourment shirt that has 2 nude women impaled ass-first onto giant spikes, another woman’s decapitated head impaled on a spike, facial expression frozen in tortured horror. That one’s pretty fucked.

        • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

          Needless to say, I do not wear these shirts very often. But every now and then…

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        I am still proud of my “Best of the B-sides” Maiden shirt.

  • jajajajajajajajaja OMG, I can’t wait to share this! hey! want to laugh? Look at this “christmas street decorations” in the city I live..

    B O I N G!

    • excuse me, Thrash!! I know that this must to be NSFW, but…… I couldn’t waste the opportunity to continue laughing at this fail!!!

    • Poseur Diposeur

      Donde vives?

      • Venezuela lol

        • Poseur Diposeur

          Really? I visited my buddies in Caracas the August before last. Your country has issues man haha

          • you can def say that we have issues when you look those christmas decorations lol

          • Poseur Diposeur

            agreed lol

        • TheCheezFace

          Ah, a fellow south american.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      what? its swollen holly candle balls…that’s very traditional! lol!

      • some random comment said that it symbolize big pubic hair, phimosis and testicular inflamation

      • Goes perfect with Santa’s big hairy sack of goodies!

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          haha….my favorite holiday time book as a child: “Santa’s big hairy sack of goodies!”

    • CyberneticOrganism

      He is risen, indeed.

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      Jingle Balls!

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    The Morbid Angel shirt looks awful. Did David Vincent think this shirt was a great way to market their band? Morbid Angel trying to make merch like that and albums such as Illud makes me embarassed to be a fan of theirs.

    • Apparently you missed David’s days of dressing like a bondage gimp or Mr. Gay Leather USA. He’s not exactly known for having the highest of fashion sense.

  • Max

    I’ve always been of the opinion that the best T-shirt designs are yielded like this:

    1) It’s a good and/or legendary band to start with.

    2) They have a decent-to-great logo. That doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be legible to the multitudes of mainstream/miscellaneous-normal that pass you on the street every day, but it still has to be cool.

    AND YOU CAN STOP RIGHT THERE if necessary. My Morbid Angel shirt is nothing but the logo in big red lettering on the chest. Works fine, looks great, even on me.

    If you must add more elements:

    3) Use a design from one of your album covers. Bands tend to be a lot more discerning about their album art decisions than about merch art decisions (or so I’d like to believe); album-themed shirts are a safer bet for everybody.

    4) But ONLY do this PROVIDED it’s the sort of artwork that looks just as good on a 5″ CD panel as it does on a 12″ LP sleeve. In other words, simpler designs that don’t have too much detail or colour palette and are more like symbolic than figurative pieces. If you could take the shirt off and wave it like a flag, it’s probably great.

    That’s why you can’t go wrong with the following shirt designs:

    1) Venom – Welcome to Hell or Black Metal. (I’ve had both these shirts over the years and never fail to get compliments when wearing them.)

    2) Bathory goat. (I’m still looking for one in canary yellow, though).

    3) Slaytanic eagle.

    4) Judas Priest British Steel.

    5) Mayhem Deathcrush.

    Whereas otherwise classic covers like Carcass’s Reek of Putrefaction or Morbid Angel’s Blessed Are the Sick don’t work on a shirt.

    • Scrimm

      I like logo shirts too. I tend to go with that option now.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Dude, some band needs to use your marketing ideas! Good stuff…

  • kingshitoffuckmountain

    One of my faves…..

    • welcome back?

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        Jimmy! He’s back! Where’s Death or whatever his new name is? He’s going to be so overjoyed when I tell him what I got him for Christmas.

        • KJM

          He’s a hedgehog right now.

          DINSDALE!!

    • KJM

      Ah good, we were getting worried.

      • KingPagliacciOvFlushMountain

        I was prepared to pick the banner up.

    • GOD ov VOID

      A lot of us had a heart attack when you deleted your old account.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Couldn’t you just bring him back?

        • GOD ov VOID

          KSFOM is so deep in the void even I can’t touch him.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Fuck Mountain is definitely not on my GPS

      • tertius_decimus

        So, God is dead? Nietzsche was right?

    • What’s that demon doing to poor Billy Corgan?!

  • Paris Hilton

    I don’t really buy band shirts anymore. The 8th grade was a long time ago.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      I buy band shirts exclusively from concerts now. I don’t buy them from stores as they don’t have good shirts in stores and I don’t buy online.

      • Paris Hilton

        Fuck store bought Ts lol. I still wear the odd band shirt to shows and shit but the majority I own I’ve ripped the sleeves off and use em as gym shirts now

        • KJM

          I wear band shirts during the warm weather months. Otherwise, it’s just boring old plainclothes.

      • KJM

        I’ll buy shirts from a band’s Big Cartel site, waiting for an Occultation shirt to show up now.

    • Scrimm

      Sheeeit 8th grade was 20 years ago and I still wear them every day.

      • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

        They must be a bit tight by now

        • Scrimm

          VERY. I actually have a couple from high school that are still wearable. There’s an old Vader shirt in particular that is apparently immortal.

          • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

            Like golden boy?

          • Scrimm

            Yep

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        right on bro…fly the flag…me too!

        • Scrimm

          Always man!

    • KingPagliacciOvFlushMountain

      It’ll be sporting my 2008 “Somewhere Back In Time” shirt at the $layer show tonight.

      • Paris Hilton

        Is the $layer show at your local divebar? If you are physically able, please be kind and help them move the oh-so-heavy pool table out of the way! And help them put it back after the show!

  • Count_Breznak
    • CyberneticOrganism

      LAWWWWAAAAAAHHAWWHHH!!!!1!

  • Scrimm

    I’m sure I could supply enough shirts for one of these posts from my collection

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    I use to have that Brutal Truth shirt and if I still did I would water it PROUD!!!

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      That shirt did look hilarious.

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Oh Jim….
        That shirt is awesome!

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    When it comes to shirts I’d like to find a good shirt of the band Toto. I’ve tried to find a shirt of theirs that looks nice but I never have luck in doing so.

    • Lacertilian

      Hold the line, I think I’ve found one..

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    That Morbid Angel one screams trying too hard to be edgy at me.

  • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

    That Brutal Truth one rules