Shirt Stains: DJ Ashba Piss-Water

2002
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Chinese Democracy meets American Capitalism.

If a band or musician can slap their name on a product to make a quick buck, they’re going to do it. Beer, coffee, hot sauce, vodka, etc. I can understand wanting to make some money so you don’t have to constantly be on tour. I can understand putting out a product that you either really enjoy or have some sort of connection. You’re a worldwide star that wrote a song about tequila and then put out your own tequila? Makes sense. I get that. I don’t get being an also-ran musician putting out your own water because a few people asked if you sold water in your store.

You may remember DJ Ashba for being not-Slash (despite his stupid hat) in the new version of Guns N’ Roses. You may also know him from Sixx:AM. If you remember him from BulletBoys and Beautiful Creatures, you’re full of shit because no one remembers him being in those bands.

Here’s what Ashba had to say about his scam new business venture:

“Everybody keeps asking me, ‘Why water?’ For many, many years, I’ve been wanting to do an alcohol or… like a vodka or a tequila… And I was actually in my clothing store at the Stratosphere [in Las Vegas] designing a vodka bottle, and a kid came in and asked if we had some water. And he left. Probably thirty minutes later, somebody else came in asking if we carried water. And a third person walked in [asking for water]. And I just sat there and I go, ‘You know what? Why am I not doing water?’ Because everybody can buy water. And, to be honest, there’s very few really good good-tasting waters out there. So we did an extensive amount of research, found the best bottling company we could possibly find, and that was it. And we went to work. So it is awesome. And it’s really fucking killer quality — 21-gram plastic bottles, so it’s not the kind where you open it up and shit goes all over the place.”

Here’s an artist’s rendering of what happens when “shit goes all over the place”:

I don’t know what’s more shocking: that DJ Ashba is so easily swayed to start businesses or that he has a clothing store.  His clothing line alone could keep Shirt Stains going for years. I love the idea that he’s just sitting around his store all day and strangers are asking for water. The next time any of you are in Las Vegas, can you please go to DJ Ashba’s store and ask if he has any pig shit in a can? Go with a group of friends and he’ll be selling pig shit in a can by the end of the week. Fuck, you might as well ask if he wants a “hurts don’t it” while you’re at it.

Would you buy water if your favorite musician or band slapped their name on it? Probably not. Would you buy water from some guy who happened to be in some bands you may have liked at one point or never even heard of? Not bloody likely and yet here we are.

Ashba says that the water is, “Really fucking killer quality.” If we’re being literal, I really the quality of your water doesn’t kill people. I assume that Ashba Water comes from only the finest bath tubs and urinals that Las Vegas has to offer. Is her personally testing each batch for freshness and “killerness” levels? Why pay $2.00 for, say, a bottle of Poland Spring or heaven-forbid drinking from a tap when you can buy boutique water from a guy that looks like he’s cosplaying as an Avenged Sevenfold fan that fell into a display case at Sephora?

Currently, there is a Facebook page for ASHBA Water and a website that currently doesn’t work. Make of that what you will.

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  • KJM, Dr. Disco

    Instead of working to make a valuable yet necessary resource more freely available to the general public, you decided to cash in! Hooray for you!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      “And I was actually in my clothing store at the Stratosphere [in Las Vegas] designing a vodka bottle”

      Ah, the rock star humblebrag.

      • **AGGRESSIVE FARTING BRAG**

        huehue

        • CyberneticOrganism

          *burblebrag*

    • Eliza

      I have a feeling that the need to start his own brand of bottled water indicates that Mr Ashba might not have a more viable income resource, outside of his clothing store (though, having seen the kind of clothes are there on sale,I doubt it), maybe.

      • KJM, Dr. Disco

        I guess he doesn’t have much confidence in his guitar playing abilities nowadays.

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    He was in Bulletboys?

    • Óðinn

      Is that a porno?

      • Sir Ukkometso The Based

        Do you want it to be a porno?

        • Eliza

          That would probably be a compliment.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Oh yes. Please let that be a porno.

        • Óðinn

          You can go ahead and make it. I probably won’t watch it though.

          • YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE COY WITH US, BUD.

          • Óðinn

            Thanks, George Lynch. I appreciate that.

          • Sir Ukkometso The Based

            I’m gonna come to your house and make you watch it!

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        It’s a hair metal band.

        • Óðinn

          Thanks, JJD.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            You’re welcome.

  • Doc Torluv

    “…a guy that looks like he’s cosplaying as an Avenged Sevenfold fan that fell into a display case at Sephora”

    That’s it – competition over. 365 is now king of the planet.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      We need Reposted A7X fan to weigh in here

    • Day 1: Every Tuesday will be “Tendies Tuesday”
      Day 2: Show trial and swift executions for my enemies

    • Waynecro

      That joke is my favorite joke of the day.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Should water have a taste?

    • Eliza

      No. It should not

    • Guppusmaximus

      Maybe not a “taste” per se but if it is rich in mineral composition then it will have a nice mouth feel. Evian has a high calcium & magnesium count which provides a nice aftertaste. I only know this because I was tired of the crappy distilled water with minimal minerals added afterwards that gets marketed as electrolyte-infused Smucking Fartwater. So, now I stick with Evian or Fiji (on occasion).

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Smucking Fartwater = Mudvayne’s best early demo

  • Eliza

    This has to be the blandest, most pointless merch ever.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Actually this guy is just peddling the extremely dangerous compound dihydrogen monoxide.

    • Waynecro
      • Óðinn

        It’s a funny joke, punking members of the general public who don’t understand naming conventions for chemistry. But Jillette is an anarcho-capitalist who doesn’t believe in human-caused climate change, so he’s not exactly someone who should put himself in a position to mock people about science (or politics).

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    I’d rock the ashba…

  • “Fuck, it’s so goddamn hot in the Nevada desert. I need a bottle of water.”
    “OK. Let’s stop in, uh, Criss Angel’s store I guess, maybe he’ll have something.”

  • It’s getting killer reviews on Facebook though. Martye Beauregard has this to say: “Congrats Dj !! You Promote products who is good for health !! Kids need good influence.”

    • Eliza

      Good for health has to be one of the last things whatever this is is.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      I’m hesitant to refer to someone who was involved in Sixx:AM and Beautiful Creatures as a “good influence”

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    I saw him tour with GNR probably about 4 years ago, my friend got his guitar pick, he ask me, how much do you think this is worth on ebay? i told him idk probably 10-20$, next time i saw him i asked him did you sold it, he said he threw it away when he got home.
    DJ must be missing out on great $ with the reunion tour.

  • Primordial Chaos

    Hello, stuff we will hate, first dumb shirt: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ef5703d6b286247af3315dfc25a5df36cddfff93d6695475564f02837664bcf9.jpg second, I hope in Cthulhu’s awakening from the sunken city of R’yleh to punish who made this shirt: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/87afed0c893d313079b92e3a83214a5330dd20dbc1bca04dedf7e84fa5adc036.jpg Third is a good thing, a barbaric and furious sonic onsalught of Black/Death by Heresiarch:http://www.nocleansinging.com/2017/05/12/an-ncs-premiere-heresiarch-storming-upon-knaves/#more-125859

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      The vodka out of the shower one bugs me because its just so stupid and try hard with just the tiniest amount of thought.

    • Old Man Doom

      The thing about the Cthulhu one is that it just doesn’t make any sense. There’s no cheeky pun or even slightly humorous mash-up here – just fuckin’ Cthulhu on a hot sauce label.

      • Primordial Chaos

        Indeed!

  • Hans