Shirt Stains: Dimmu Lolgir
The lolbuttz raged on and on.
It seems like it was just yesterday that Dimmu Borgir was the “it” extreme band. They were on the Ozzfest main stage in 2004, their video for “Progenies of The Great Apocalypse” was receiving heavy play on MTV 2 and Fuse, and their shirts covered the disenfranchised youth of suburbia outside of Hot Topics across the nation.
Like everything else, what goes up, must come down. That’s not to say they fell off the face of the earth. Far from it. The band is currently working on their tenth studio album, play numerous festivals, and even performed with the 53-member Norwegian Radio Orchestra and 30-member Schola Cantorum choir on the Norwegian equivalent of PBS. I just think, at least in North America, that their popularity has waned over the past decade. Maybe it’s because they haven’t released an album in five years. Maybe it’s because the number of past and present members of Dimmu Borgir is slowly creeping into Motograter-eque territory. Of course, it could be as simple as just not seeing people wear their shirts out in public. Hmmm. I wonder why…
What The Borgir?
I feel like I say this often in Shirt Stains, but I have no idea what’s going on with this shirt. We’ve got a toothless skeleton doing…something. Walking up a hill? Headed to town to pick up some chicks? Either way it looks pretty excited. Does it have a long flowing sassy ponytail or some sort of large white snake trying to burrow into its skull? Both are acceptable looks at your local comic con.
If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that skeleton has quite the fat ass. Evey week is “Cheek Week” with this skeleton. Maybe it was modeled after adult film star Alexis Texas…or Jonah Hill. Because this is a Dimmu Borgir shirt, they have to have a giant inverted pentagram thingy. It’s like it’s their calling card. It says “Hi, we’re Dimmu Borgir. Super Spooky Satan R Us.”
The back of the shirt has a silly band picture in which no terrible pose is left unused. Power squats, thrusts, angry faces, and that bent-fingers Bela Lugosi hand pose. Dude, you’re going to get arthritis if you keep doing that. Why is the band a lovely shade of doo-doo? Does it blend well with the light blue pentagram? Are they identifying with the badunkadunk skeleton? All is forgiven if we get to hear their version of Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom”.
Wait…what band is this again?
There isn’t much to this shirt, but it still manages to leave a steaming pile of borgir all over itself. The hard-to-read kinda-sorta evil-looking symbol is a tradition in extreme metal. DB’s symbol is perfectly fine. Hard to read, but still somewhat legible. It’s a nice little piece of artwork. So why in the world did they have to put their clearer name above/on top of it? If you’re reading the shirt, it literally says “Dimmu Borgir Dimmu Borgir”. It’s like the original symbol was designed by Tommy Wiseau and the band had to create another, clearer symbol because people couldn’t understand it. People will think you have a stuttering problem if you wear this shirt.
By doing this, the band acknowledges that their original symbol is hard to read, but they still want you to know who the shirt is for. Is this shirt supposed to appeal to old fans or new ones? It’s like a safely worded memo from an international business.
“We here at Dimmu Borgir Inc. would like to thank our old fans for their years of loyalty. We would also like to welcome our new fans to the Dimmu Borgir family. After many months of deliberation, we believe we have created a t-shirt that will appeal to both groups of our fans. Thank you for your continued service. Please note that you may not take smoke breaks outside of your allotted 15-minute break or lunch. Next Friday is Wacky Hat Day at Dimmu Borgir. Will you be able to top Shagrath’s “Elsa from Frozen” hat from last year?”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred time: All-over print shirts just don’t work. They’re going to toss me into the mental ward, foaming at the mouth, screaming it over and over. It doesn’t even matter if the artwork looks good (this doesn’t, by the way). Everything gets stretched and all out of proportion. It can also bring out too much detail. Case in point: this shirt. What was once a cool demon/monster/creature thing now just looks like it’s saying “Waasssssssuuuupppppp!” Someone toss this creature a Bud Light!
Are those leaves behind it? Squid tentacles? Moldy licorice? I don’t know, but thanks to the wonder of all-over shirt, I can’t unseen them. Same with the rune stones/sugar cookies. They look historically delicious. You better really love this album if you want to wear this shirt. If we’re being honest, though, it’s still not as hideous as the rug that it’s on. Holy puke on the Pope is that thing gross.
Awooooo Werewolves of Norway
Power Metal has dragons and extreme metal has wolves. I guess doom has sloths and rap metal has, I don’t know, sea cucumbers or something. The point is that a lot of people like wolves when it comes to music. There was even a website dedicated to these bands. That post is from 2011, so it’s probably much longer by now. I don’t really associate Dimmu Borgir with wolves, but hey, I guess it’s fine. What’s not fine is that this is more wolf than t-shirt. If it were any closer, the shirt would just be the inside of the wolf’s nose. Wolf Snot is actually a good band name. Quick take the name before a ukele folk trio from Portland, Oregon takes it.
This wolf is so big that it may not even have a body. If fact, I think it might be the Party God from Adventure Time. Actually, it’s not even a full wolf head. It’s like a wolf face and then wolf dander. Maybe it’s wolf snow or something. It reminds me of all those goofy wolf shirts that people write ridiculous reviews of on Amazon. That still doesn’t explain the random letters that appear in the top left corner. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope that that’s not the beginning of an SS bolt above the band’s name. Maybe it’s just a Marilyn Manson symbol that wandered into the shirt. That makes just as much sense as anything that’s going on here.
Every Kiss Begins With Dimmu
I know this is a shitty bootleg, but for the love of chicken fingers, come on. The drop shadow. The fact that the design is just a necklace. A necklace, I’d like to point out, that doesn’t even go to the top. It just kind of stops. Someone couldn’t be bothered to click and drag it a few centimeters up. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t see too many Dimmu Borgir shirts nowadays. I wish I could say more about this, but I’ll stick with my initial “Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft hahahahahahahahahahaha.” It’s appropriate.