Shirt Stains: Dimmu Lolgir

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The lolbuttz raged on and on.

It seems like it was just yesterday that Dimmu Borgir was the “it” extreme band. They were on the Ozzfest main stage in 2004, their video for “Progenies of The Great Apocalypse” was receiving heavy play on MTV 2 and Fuse, and their shirts covered the disenfranchised youth of suburbia outside of Hot Topics across the nation.

Like everything else, what goes up, must come down. That’s not to say they fell off the face of the earth. Far from it. The band is currently working on their tenth studio album, play numerous festivals, and even performed with the 53-member Norwegian Radio Orchestra and 30-member Schola Cantorum choir on the Norwegian equivalent of PBS. I just think, at least in North America, that their popularity has waned over the past decade. Maybe it’s because they haven’t released an album in five years. Maybe it’s because the number of past and present members of Dimmu Borgir is slowly creeping into Motograter-eque territory. Of course, it could be as simple as just not seeing people wear their shirts out in public. Hmmm. I wonder why…

 

What The Borgir?

dimmuwtfstains

 

I feel like I say this often in Shirt Stains, but I have no idea what’s going on with this shirt. We’ve got a toothless skeleton doing…something. Walking up a hill? Headed to town to pick up some chicks? Either way it looks pretty excited. Does it have a long flowing sassy ponytail or some sort of large white snake trying to burrow into its skull? Both are acceptable looks at your local comic con.

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that skeleton has quite the fat ass. Evey week is “Cheek Week” with this skeleton. Maybe it was modeled after adult film star Alexis Texas…or Jonah Hill. Because this is a Dimmu Borgir shirt, they have to have a giant inverted pentagram thingy. It’s like it’s their calling card. It says “Hi, we’re Dimmu Borgir. Super Spooky Satan R Us.”

The back of the shirt has a silly band picture in which no terrible pose is left unused. Power squats, thrusts, angry faces, and that bent-fingers Bela Lugosi hand pose. Dude, you’re going to get arthritis if you keep doing that. Why is the band a lovely shade of doo-doo? Does it blend well with the light blue pentagram? Are they identifying with the badunkadunk skeleton? All is forgiven if we get to hear their version of Spinal Tap’sBig Bottom”.

Wait…what band is this again?

dimmuborgidimmuborgir

 

There isn’t much to this shirt, but it still manages to leave a steaming pile of borgir all over itself. The hard-to-read kinda-sorta evil-looking symbol is a tradition in extreme metal. DB’s symbol is perfectly fine. Hard to read, but still somewhat legible. It’s a nice little piece of artwork. So why in the world did they have to put their clearer name above/on top of it? If you’re reading the shirt, it literally says “Dimmu Borgir Dimmu Borgir”. It’s like the original symbol was designed by Tommy Wiseau and the band had to create another, clearer symbol because people couldn’t understand it. People will think you have a stuttering problem if you wear this shirt.

By doing this, the band acknowledges that their original symbol is hard to read, but they still want you to know who the shirt is for. Is this shirt supposed to appeal to old fans or new ones? It’s like a safely worded memo from an international business.

“We here at Dimmu Borgir Inc. would like to thank our old fans for their years of loyalty. We would also like to welcome our new fans to the Dimmu Borgir family. After many months of deliberation, we believe we have created a t-shirt that will appeal to both groups of our fans. Thank you for your continued service. Please note that you may not take smoke breaks outside of your allotted 15-minute break or lunch. Next Friday is Wacky Hat Day at Dimmu Borgir. Will you be able to top Shagrath’s “Elsa from Frozen” hat from last year?”

Abrahadableh

dimmuallover

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred time: All-over print shirts just don’t work. They’re going to toss me into the mental ward, foaming at the mouth, screaming it over and over. It doesn’t even matter if the artwork looks good (this doesn’t, by the way). Everything gets stretched and all out of proportion. It can also bring out too much detail. Case in point: this shirt. What was once a cool demon/monster/creature thing now just looks like it’s saying “Waasssssssuuuupppppp!” Someone toss this creature a Bud Light!

Are those leaves behind it? Squid tentacles? Moldy licorice? I don’t know, but thanks to the wonder of all-over shirt, I can’t unseen them. Same with the rune stones/sugar cookies. They look historically delicious. You better really love this album if you want to wear this shirt. If we’re being honest, though, it’s still not as hideous as the rug that it’s on. Holy puke on the Pope is that thing gross.

Awooooo Werewolves of Norway

dimmwolfborgir

Power Metal has dragons and extreme metal has wolves. I guess doom has sloths and rap metal has, I don’t know, sea cucumbers or something. The point is that a lot of people like wolves when it comes to music. There was even a website dedicated to these bands. That post is from 2011, so it’s probably much longer by now. I don’t really associate Dimmu Borgir with wolves, but hey, I guess it’s fine. What’s not fine is that this is more wolf than t-shirt. If it were any closer, the shirt would just be the inside of the wolf’s nose. Wolf Snot is actually a good band name. Quick take the name before a ukele folk trio from Portland, Oregon takes it.

This wolf is so big that it may not even have a body. If fact, I think it might be the Party God from Adventure Time. Actually, it’s not even a full wolf head. It’s like a wolf face and then wolf dander. Maybe it’s wolf snow or something. It reminds me of all those goofy wolf shirts that people write ridiculous reviews of on Amazon. That still doesn’t explain the random letters that appear in the top left corner. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope that that’s not the beginning of an SS bolt above the band’s name. Maybe it’s just a Marilyn Manson symbol that wandered into the shirt. That makes just as much sense as anything that’s going on here.

Every Kiss Begins With Dimmu

dimmubootleg

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I know this is a shitty bootleg, but for the love of chicken fingers, come on. The drop shadow. The fact that the design is just a necklace. A necklace, I’d like to point out, that doesn’t even go to the top. It just kind of stops. Someone couldn’t be bothered to click and drag it a few centimeters up. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t see too many Dimmu Borgir shirts nowadays. I wish I could say more about this, but I’ll stick with my initial “Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft hahahahahahahahahahaha.” It’s appropriate.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Dimmu Borgir launches DBubs restaurant chain.

  • BEARD-SPLITTER

    I never got into Dimmu Borgir.

    That said:

    Wolves >>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    Saw them on Ozzfest 2004, wasn’t impressed.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      Oh my goodness! I met them at Warped! They’re such amazing guys and the lead singer promised we could be best friends if I went to the show! ..I didn’t see him after that but they’re music still rocks! :] <3

      – JamieBehindTheScene, 1 year ago

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Yay, you’re back!

  • Maik Beninton™

    I don’t listen to them much, though what I heard I liked.

  • Old Man Doom

    I was actually watching their performance with the live orchestra last night. It’s actually damn good.

    Holy shit, that last shirt though. It’s like the dimmu borgir edition of the flavor flav necklace.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      They need to get onboard with the flat look.

  • Old Man Doom

    Badunkadunk skelingtons >>>>>>>>>>

  • “….but for the love of chicken fingers, come on!”

    HAHAHAHAAHAAAAHAHAHAH TENDIES FTW

  • BEARD-SPLITTER

    I think this is the amazon review 365 wqs talking about
    http://www.amazon.com/review/R3131H88JNQTBK

    • Vote for Jeb

      The Three Wolf Moon is such a classic that I know several dudes who have owned one.

  • Dagon

    DUDE.

    I never listened to a full Dimmu Borgir song (maybe not even a full riff) but I have to say the wolf shirt is one of the worst shirts I’ve seen in this column.

    • BobLoblaw

      Give it a chance.
      https://youtu.be/exxHlrYqX4o

    • Google ‘wolf badass face’.
      Pick the third one.
      Put it in Photochoco and stretch that crap until it loses its form.
      ???
      Get paid.
      Get drunk and cry about your miserable life.
      ???
      Deleted scenes.
      The end.

      • Hubert

        Photochoco>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Where does fornicating come in? You missed that part. thanks

        • Hubert

          Everywhere if you’re doing it right.

        • No fornication, since this subject got drunk and cry about his miserable life, Toon Link Grim Reaper Leonhart I will claim his soul and release it from his pain.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      Their remake of “Stormblåst” is actually pretty damn good. The only album from them I liked. It’s pretty legit. Plus they sung in Norwegian instead of English, which is always a plus in black metal.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLLX4RoIV9s

    • Read the Amazon reviews of the wolf shirt in the link. A lot funny stuff on there from what I remember.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Saw Dimmoo perform a special set two years ago at Tuska. They were supposed to play one of their albums, the one with Progenies in it’s entirety, only played half of it (max) but I preferred it that way. Not a very spectacular album.

  • Whoa, not a Textures fan… but after the lolbuttz vocals are done… this song sure kicks in!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su0q0u4Yup0#t=0

    • Those vocals are straight atrocious … Damn

    • Hubert

      I listened to it about three times now and I’m starting to dig it. Check out Dualism, their previous album, it’s super good.

      • cliche vocals <<<<<<<<

        I dig the instrumental part though

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Lolbuttz vocals ruin everything.

    • These aren’t the lolest buttz vox I’ve heard.

      But then again, I like Periphery now, so…

    • Waynecro

      That’s pretty cool! This Textures song still gives me the feels (despite the sort of Morrissey-esque vocals):

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Flu3v103Lmc

  • BobLoblaw

    I loved Enthroned Darkness Triumphant when i was younger the next two were pretty good too but they were dismissed after Death Kult Armeggerdon. Never even gave that Stormblast re-recording a listen. The Godless Savage Garden shirt was actually pretty cool i thought.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *lobs law bomb*

      • BobLoblaw

        Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else noticed.

    • Waynecro

      “Moonchild Domain” is a great song on Godless Savage Garden. I think that was the first Dimmu song I heard.

      • BobLoblaw

        First song was probably Mourning Palace because of that video for me. Listened to the album from start to finish when i bought it.

        • Waynecro

          Back in the day, I had a pal who was putting his 3D-animation reel together. One of the animations was of a succubus unfurling her wings. I playing “Mourning Palace” for him, and he ended up using the song as his music for the reel. Shit was awesome.

  • Stanley

    Dimmu Borgir get a lot of shit, but Enthrone Darkness Triumphant and Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia are good records.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtx_UisuXAY

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kFqGBgje7k

    • Stanley, how is the running coming along?

      • Stanley

        It’s going good, but I’m always sore! I did the NYC Marathon a couple of weeks ago and I’ve just about recovered!

        • Nice, how was your time??

          • Stanley

            3:16:00

          • That is bitching, Stan. Nice work! (although I am jealous). I am (was) slower by 10 whole minutes.

            Any other races coming up?

          • Stanley

            Did you do NY? What a great race. Not an easy one, but the crowds are intense. Amazing way to see the city.

            The only certainties right now are Boston in April and then I’m planning on my first ultra in Iceland in July. I’ll probably squeeze something else in if the body is holding up. I don’t want to fuck Boston up though. Oh, and there is a trail marathon in Deadwood in June that looks interesting and I love Deadwood!

          • I was just speaking about my best marathon in general, I did not do NY.

            Boston NICE! Iceland? Holy fvck! Is it a 50k ? or longer?

          • Stanley

            It’s a baby Ultra (55k). Baby steps.

            http://www.lostworldstravel.com/iceland.html

            Are you in?

          • Holy shit. That looks incredible! The imminent arrival of our baby girl will surely hamper me traveling outta the country next year 🙂 So is it a multi day race? Or a single day? it said 7 days… so I am confused.

          • Stanley

            It’s a running “holiday” lol. They take you on three runs during the week before the race (10k, 16k and 8k). And then the race (55k) is on the Saturday, assuming you haven’t already killed yourself by falling in a crevasse.

          • Well… at least you will be used to the terrain and such by Saturday. that is likely a good thing!

          • you ever tried running faster?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Boobitanical

      • COAL ROLL

        in your F 150

  • President Chester A. Arthur

    Enthrone Darkness Triumphant is a solid album and still holds up.

    • Welcome to the Toilet! New around here?

      GL

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        He’s not.

        • I am watching you, Tapir.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I hope your hands aren’t in your pants, you sick fuck.

          • Vault Dweller

            You radioactive water-rats are paranoid!

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Shut up and install faster so I can play Fallout 4!

          • You cannot tell? They are around your throat.

            *GASP*

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I don’t exist tho. You’re trying to strangle an imaginary being. You need help dude.

          • 🙂

      • COAL ROLL

        my guess is that this is Ignatius the Wizened, aka Byahh

    • Vault Dweller

      I heard a little story from a truck driver named Jerry that there’s a bomb in your middle school. Care to comment, Prez?

    • I’d vouch for Stormblast and For All Tid as well.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    • I will never be able to forget the guy with the top-hat in the back.

      • BobLoblaw

        Dont forget the cape. Hes was an excellent pianist though.

      • Waynecro

        I was once in a band with a frail kid who wore a top hat. That shit is never not silly.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      🙁

    • Max

      Symphonic black metal guidelines #7 and #8:

      7) There’s gotta be six members.

      8) One’s gotta be wearing a top hat.

  • I just saw three dudes in a row make a comment about Enthrone Darkness Triumphant so I guess I should listen to it.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      the remake of “Stormblåst” >>>

      But that one is pretty solid.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okDlFV6BfcU

      • BobLoblaw

        Cant stand those vocals though.

    • I’d say it’s worth a go if you like black metal. It’s pretty heavy on the keys, though.

      “Mourning Palace” was actually my first BM song.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtx_UisuXAY

      • You remembered me of the olde’ days of Cradle of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir, jajaja. In the end, most of the people that inclined for Dimmu Burgerr listened more black metal.

        • They had a rivalry? That must have been embarassing…

      • Oh hey stanley posted this exact same song further up

  • What’s wrong with that spoopy toothless skeleton?! And the guys in the back. People really need to cut off the sugar and drink malk.

  • COAL ROLL

    Dimmu Borgir’s best albums was The Pagan Prosperity

  • Sir Tapir The Based
  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    My favourite dimmu borgir album is Three Unrelated Words

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Unearthed Parametric Manifesto

      • COAL ROLL

        Roll Coal Bro

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Ancient Hydrocarbon Immolation

          • COAL ROLL

            Die Libtard Pruis

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Maximum Keystone Acquisition

          • Keystone XL Light Pipeline

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I WISH THERE WAS A PIPELINE OF KEYSTONE STRAIGHT TO MY MOUTH BRO AMIRIGHT?!
            *slams beer at work*
            *slams another beer at work*
            *orders triple-magnum condoms on amazon large enough to hold a small dog*

          • BobLoblaw

            *triple magnums with truck nuts.

          • Óðinn
          • DIRTY OIL SANDS FROM CANADA??? TRY DIRTY BRO BEER FROM CANADA!!! BUDWEISER IS SAVING TEH ICE CAPES. POLAR BEARS AND COCA ROLLA COLA!

            *BUYS 50 30 PACKS OF STONES*
            *PUTS TARP IN BED OF TRUCK*
            *FILLS TARP WITH BEER*

            HAHAH NOW WE HAVE A JACUZZI OF BEER, BRO. ALL WE NEED NOW IS THE SLUTS!

          • COAL ROLL

            ..

          • Did I ever show you my Cherokee I lifted??? RFI

          • COAL ROLL

            lets see your trunknutz bro

          • or just his nutz

    • Don’t Never Music

  • The best Dimmu Borgir album is Dusk and Her Embrace, huehuehuehue.

  • 365chaosriddendays

    These shirts:

  • A publication I used to read always refered to them as “Dickhole Burger”.

  • Waynecro

    I bought the double-logo Dimmu shirt way back. I regretted nothing until Abrahadabra came out.

    +10 cool points for the Adventure Time reference.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Death Cult Armageddon still roolz

  • Count_Breznak

    Please, the 2nd shirt clearly says

    Diaa
    Beetus