Shirt Stains: “Design Buffet” Edition
The following shirts are the clothing equivalent of Golden Corral. A whole bunch of different things thrown onto one surface. Chicken fingers, steak, mac n cheese, lo mein, pizza, cheddar biscuits and chocolate cake? It might be good in theory, but the end result is a horrible and painful mess.
All That Remains – Skull Finger Number Explosion!
Phil Labonte – Ok, guys. We’ve got some great designs for the new shirt.
The rest of All That Remains: Cool. Which one do you want to use, Phil?
Nipple-ring Enthusiast Labonte: ALL OF THEM.
What the hell is going on with this shirt? We have the world’s most non-threatening skull, complete with beady eyes (how is this possible) and missing tooth. And is that a nuclear explosion coming out of it’s head? A storm cloud pouring rain into the skull? A saucy chef’s hat? Broccoli? In Labonte’s head, it’s probably a clever social commentary on the government taking away his Constitution-shaped liberty gun.
Combine that with some wings and we’re getting dangerously close to a lawsuit from Avenged Sevenfold. M SHADOWS! If it was just this symbol, while certainly played-out and boring, it wouldn’t be that bad. But no. That not the All That Remains way.
All That Remains demands more. That’s why we get a disembodied skeleton hand giving us the finger. What a dick. If you cross your eyes and tilt your head, it kind of looks like a candy apple. Thanks Phil. Nomnomnom! The shirt has now crossed over into stupid, but it gets worse. We get the number 6. Now, I know the band has a song called “Six”, but that’s from their album “The Fall of Ideals”. This shirt is advertising “A War You Cannot Win”. Consistency, people!
The funniest part of the shirt is that the band’s name is only visible on the sleeve design. It’s not on the front. Sure “ATR” is on the front, but unless you know what that stands for, you would have no idea who this shirt is for. Actually, that’s probably the smartest thing the band could have done. Avoid letting people know who to blame for this abomination.
Avenged Sevenfold – Use ALL Of The Shirt
Speaking of Avenged Sevenfold, here is a nice paint-by-numbers edition straight out of Bat Country aka Orange County, California. There’s so much on this shirt that I’m guessing the shirt printer ran out of ink and had to ship these sans color. And guys, just because there is a little bit of space on the shirt doesn’t mean you have to use it.
It’s like the band said “Guys, what’s spooky but not too spooky” and then flipped through a kid’s Halloween coloring book. You’ve got bats, dead tree, gravestone, grass, pig-faced skeleton with wings. Wait, what was that last one again? I guess old Pigfaced Jones finally bit the dust. We’ll miss you, Piggy. At least the skull doesn’t have sunglasses on. Actually, now that I think about it, I wish it did. He’d be the coolest freakshow ever.
Whitechapel – Bird Skull Sepia Buzzsaw
You guys like skulls? You better if you wear this shirt! Not only do we get some sort of giant monster skull complete with snaggle teeth and tusks, but we get two, smaller bonus skulls for free. What a deal! Call now and we’ll throw in some sort of bird skull at no extra charge!
Is that Pidgeotto? Spearow? Farfetch’d? Oh no. It’s not Moltres is it? No no no no no. You maniacs! You killed a legendary Pokemon bird! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!
On a less emotionally-scarring note, the addition of a three-starred buzzsaw is highly unnecessary, but I suppose it does a good job of drawing the eye away from the claws, horns, wings, and whatever the fuck else is going on with this shirt. The blood-splatter is a nice tough. Really breaks up the Old West sepia tones.
Dimmu Borgir – Death Cult Armageddon
Remember when lots of people like Dimmu Borgir for about 10 minutes? Unfortunately, those same people probably purchased this shirt.
“Hey, what band is this? I forget. They should probably put their name on it or something.” Three time. Dimmu Borgir’s name is on this shirt three times. Possibly more. I haven’t seen the back. Just because there’s space on the sleeves…eh, nevermind. You get the point. “Death Cult Armageddon” looks like the free version of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer font. Oh the late 90’s.
The shirt also sports multiple pentagrams. Just in case you weren’t sure if they were evil and stuff. And what do they surround the main inverted pentagrams with? More skulls! It’s like a buzzsaw of skulls. The ultimate weapon! Although, these skulls look like they’re either in the throes of passion or getting tickled. Either way, they’re definitely enjoying themselves. TEEHEEHEEHEE!
Kirchenbrand – Cartoon Church burning
I don’t know who Kirchenbrand is and I’m not about to go looking them up. I’m sure someone in the comments will be more than happy to post multiple songs, explain their lineage and their importance to the trve vndergrvnd mvtal scvne. I look forward to not listening. I’m not interested in the music. I’m far more interested in this shirt.
I honestly didn’t know if they’re a serious band or just goofing on the genre until someone told me they’re actually super serious. That makes it even funnier. Look at that adorable burning church! This should be in the Satanists coloring book. It even comes with a not-to-scale hand to let you know just how that fire was lit. Thanks guys. Wouldn’t want anyone to miss this complex, ambiguous message. If someone asked me for a black metal stereotype, I would just show them this shirt.
The fun doesn’t end there, though. The back has a nice image of Sting from WCW circa 1998 holding his iconic bat. Or maybe it’s the Crow. Or perhaps Sheri Moon Zombie from Lords of Salem. Or maybe it’s just Fenriz and the band is hoping no one notices.
We also get an insert of a lighter and…something. I’ve zoomed in and have no idea what’s being lit. A bullet? Twine? Cherry Twizzler Nibs? To cap it off, the shirt says “Frauen Und Kinder Zuerst” which translates to “Women and Children first”. Well that’s nice! They should definitely get those Twizzler Nibs first. They’re delicious!
Goofy shirts for no one, Nibs for everyone!