Shirt Stains: “Design Buffet” Edition


The following shirts are the clothing equivalent of Golden Corral. A whole bunch of different things thrown onto one surface. Chicken fingers, steak, mac n cheese, lo mein, pizza, cheddar biscuits and chocolate cake? It might be good in theory, but the end result is a horrible and painful mess.

All That Remains – Skull Finger Number Explosion!


Phil Labonte – Ok, guys. We’ve got some great designs for the new shirt.

The rest of All That Remains: Cool. Which one do you want to use, Phil?

Nipple-ring Enthusiast Labonte: ALL OF THEM.

What the hell is going on with this shirt? We have the world’s most non-threatening skull, complete with beady eyes (how is this possible) and missing tooth. And is that a nuclear explosion coming out of it’s head? A storm cloud pouring rain into the skull? A saucy chef’s hat? Broccoli? In Labonte’s head, it’s probably a clever social commentary on the government taking away his Constitution-shaped liberty gun.

Combine that with some wings and we’re getting dangerously close to a lawsuit from Avenged Sevenfold. M SHADOWS! If it was just this symbol, while certainly played-out and boring, it wouldn’t be that bad. But no. That not the All That Remains way.

All That Remains demands more. That’s why we get a disembodied skeleton hand giving us the finger. What a dick. If you cross your eyes and tilt your head, it kind of looks like a candy apple. Thanks Phil. Nomnomnom! The shirt has now crossed over into stupid, but it gets worse. We get the number 6. Now, I know the band has a song called “Six”, but that’s from their album “The Fall of Ideals”. This shirt is advertising “A War You Cannot Win”. Consistency, people!

The funniest part of the shirt is that the band’s name is only visible on the sleeve design. It’s not on the front. Sure “ATR” is on the front, but unless you know what that stands for, you would have no idea who this shirt is for. Actually, that’s probably the smartest thing the band could have done. Avoid letting people know who to blame for this abomination.

Avenged Sevenfold – Use ALL Of The Shirt


Speaking of Avenged Sevenfold, here is a nice paint-by-numbers edition straight out of Bat Country aka Orange County, California. There’s so much on this shirt that I’m guessing the shirt printer ran out of ink and had to ship these sans color. And guys, just because there is a little bit of space on the shirt doesn’t mean you have to use it.

It’s like the band said “Guys, what’s spooky but not too spooky” and then flipped through a kid’s Halloween coloring book. You’ve got bats, dead tree, gravestone, grass, pig-faced skeleton with wings. Wait, what was that last one again? I guess old Pigfaced Jones finally bit the dust. We’ll miss you, Piggy. At least the skull doesn’t have sunglasses on. Actually, now that I think about it, I wish it did. He’d be the coolest freakshow ever.

Whitechapel – Bird Skull Sepia Buzzsaw


You guys like skulls? You better if you wear this shirt! Not only do we get some sort of giant monster skull complete with snaggle teeth and tusks, but we get two, smaller bonus skulls for free. What a deal! Call now and we’ll throw in some sort of bird skull at no extra charge!

Is that Pidgeotto? Spearow? Farfetch’d? Oh no. It’s not Moltres is it? No no no no no. You maniacs! You killed a legendary Pokemon bird! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!

On a less emotionally-scarring note, the addition of a three-starred buzzsaw is highly unnecessary, but I suppose it does a good job of drawing the eye away from the claws, horns, wings, and whatever the fuck else is going on with this shirt. The blood-splatter is a nice tough. Really breaks up the Old West sepia tones.

Dimmu Borgir – Death Cult Armageddon


Remember when lots of people like Dimmu Borgir for about 10 minutes? Unfortunately, those same people probably purchased this shirt.

“Hey, what band is this? I forget. They should probably put their name on it or something.” Three time. Dimmu Borgir’s name is on this shirt three times. Possibly more. I haven’t seen the back. Just because there’s space on the sleeves…eh, nevermind. You get the point. “Death Cult Armageddon” looks like the free version of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer font. Oh the late 90’s.

The shirt also sports multiple pentagrams. Just in case you weren’t sure if they were evil and stuff. And what do they surround the main inverted pentagrams with? More skulls! It’s like a buzzsaw of skulls. The ultimate weapon! Although, these skulls look like they’re either in the throes of passion or getting tickled. Either way, they’re definitely enjoying themselves. TEEHEEHEEHEE!

Kirchenbrand – Cartoon Church burning


I don’t know who Kirchenbrand is and I’m not about to go looking them up. I’m sure someone in the comments will be more than happy to post multiple songs, explain their lineage and their importance to the trve vndergrvnd mvtal scvne. I look forward to not listening. I’m not interested in the music. I’m far more interested in this shirt.

I honestly didn’t know if they’re a serious band or just goofing on the genre until someone told me they’re actually super serious. That makes it even funnier. Look at that adorable burning church! This should be in the Satanists coloring book. It even comes with a not-to-scale hand to let you know just how that fire was lit. Thanks guys. Wouldn’t want anyone to miss this complex, ambiguous message. If someone asked me for a black metal stereotype, I would just show them this shirt.

The fun doesn’t end there, though. The back has a nice image of Sting from WCW circa 1998 holding his iconic bat. Or maybe it’s the Crow. Or perhaps Sheri Moon Zombie from Lords of Salem. Or maybe it’s just Fenriz and the band is hoping no one notices.

We also get an insert of a lighter and…something. I’ve zoomed in and have no idea what’s being lit. A bullet? Twine? Cherry Twizzler Nibs? To cap it off, the shirt says “Frauen Und Kinder Zuerst” which translates to “Women and Children first”. Well that’s nice! They should definitely get those Twizzler Nibs first. They’re delicious!

Goofy shirts for no one, Nibs for everyone!

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  • M Shadows!

    You motherfucker, I worked semi hard on that design!

    • M Shadows!

      • M Shadows!

        Detective Mcnultified!

      • Death

        *takes a peek from under the bed*
        Is it safe to come out yet?

        • M Shadows!


          • Death

            OH GOD!
            *runs back under the bed*

          • M Shadows!

            I can still see you

          • Death

            If I don’t see it, it won’t exist!

          • M Shadows!

            Come back to me it’s almost easy!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Come on your back? But I’m a cyborg

    • That sentence could be interpreted a few different ways.

    • I bet you did, you sick SOB.

      • M Shadows!


    • M Shadows’s semi flaccid penis

      • Pagliacci is Kl/rke

        A Viagra Sevenfold.

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      I’m only interested if I get one with your game FOR FREE.

      Also, I’m sure the design was stolen, as expected.

  • Power metal is, fortunately, a genre NORMALLY blessed with decent shirts. Besides the Iced Earth one from the last post

  • Death

    I don’t like to wear band shirts because people will start asking about the band and it would be social interaction.

    • Lacertilian

      Just black cloaks then?

      • Death

        Preferably, yes.

  • “government taking away his Constitution-shaped liberty gun”

    We should talk about politics. I think that would be fun.

    Although, I am not sure if I want to be the first to get that started….


      /jk. i’m not 15

    • I have a degree in political science and worked in politics. I welcome my blood pressure rising 1000 points.

      • Alright here goes. I happen to side myself with many conservative values, with the expection of their religious intentions . I tend to feel that we all should be in charge of our own lives and should not rely on the state/federal government for our well being.

        Although I do not agree with taxing the living shit out of the wealthy, I do have concerns over the widening gap between the highest earners and the general population. Although widening, I feel the country can maintain its high standards of living regardless of this gap.

        My firm belief in life is: one should do something that makes oneself happy.

        GL, Lifelover

        • If you don’t agree with taxing the shit out of the wealthy, how do you propose to curb massive income inequality?

          • The thing is, I am OK with the inequality. I feel as though regardless of what you make, the level of perceived “stress” in life will be the same. To negate the worries of the inequality, one must find a path they enjoy in life.

            I do not fault others for wanting to be a part of “elite” society, but they are just as stressed as we are. So whats the point of it? Less stress?


          • I think inequality is the wrong way to put it… When say, The Walton family hordes so much stupid wealth they couldn’t spend it if they tried while most of society is FUCKED if they get sick and miss work for a couple of months, it’s not inequality. I see it as a perversion of society.

          • Valid point.


          • in my lectures I encounter many times that the inequality is basic in a system with money.. i’m not reeeeaally sure about that, but i think it’s a good hypothesis to explain why in every country of the world there’s a gap between poverty and richness..

          • Should the Walton’s be at fault though for their own success’s? Don’t get me wrong, the heirs did inherit the spoils , but as the single largest employer in the U.S. Don’t they benefit society in a positive way by providing jobs to those who are in need of work? What is your take?


          • While Wal-Mart DOES benefit society by employing so many people, they also harm society by repressing employee wages and refusing health care for the bottom rung of employees. The company makes so many decisions that are horrible from an ethical perspective because the corporation does not exist to be ethical. It exists to benefit shareholders. The Walton family is the number one reason there should be an inheritance tax up to a certain (very, very high) number. The heirs are some of the wealthiest people in the country just by virtue of being born.

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            I always found it terrifying that they basically pay their employees so that they can only afford to shop at Wal-Mart, creating like a mini wage-gobbling society.

          • what?…

          • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

            Can’t forget that fiasco last year when they had food drop-offs at their stores so Walmart workers could have something to eat for Christmas. Kinda says it all right there.

          • I am not sure how I want to respond.

            But, I can say that I cannot fault the Walton’s. They are the same as you and I.


          • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

            Give this one a look-see sometime. WalMart’s horrors are many, and not just how they treat their workers.


          • Lacertilian

            I was interested to investigate whether the US inheritance tax laws (or lack thereof) was the case over the Pacific here after seeing this.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            I hope you can forgive me for butting in yet again, but before I state my business I need to be sure. How’s the taxes? Progressive? Do wealthy people pay more than poor?

          • Wealthy people pay more than the poor, yes.


          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            OK then (I seriously had a point in here, I can’t phrase it coherently, will return!)

          • You remind me of the social system of Colombia (a country that’s like a mini-United States). To gain a better management of the social resources of the incomes by taxes, the goverment in the half of XX century did a pyramid structure of the classes: the Estratos (or strates). Depending of your ubication of the strate is the mount of money you have to pay in your social services (like electric energy or water, resources that are nationalized, as far as I know)… Since the 70’s something very interesting occured with this system: the people got crowded in the lower bottom of the pyramid and a few riches went up, the middle class was populated too only in the cities. The colombians embraced so much this system that the poor got segregated just by the sake of their social positions and there you go! a good half of the explanation of why Colombia were the first country producer of drugs, mobs and guerrilla war…

          • I’m now hyped for the inevitable guerrilla war that will break out in our country. #TeamKaty

          • which country and why? o.o

          • The US because of the increasing divide between the super rich and fairly poor, and the diminishing middle class, like you explained happening in Colombia.

          • i’ve readed a lot of the loss of the middle class here in Venezuela.. In Colombia not too much.. But here in Venezuela, I think, we’re walking to a dual class traditional marxist model Cuba-like..

            You know what?… At least the poor have the false sensation that they belong to the economy and the market saving money to buy stuff… In Venezuela the ‘free-market’ capitalist is really dissapearing and is changed by a state-controlled market.. The exact opposite with same bad results.. There’s no middle point between those two economic-politic systems… The poor still are the poor: in the past for the market and the capitalists, now for the state…

          • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

            Not as bad as Brazil, though, where the middle class is almost nearly non-existent. Hence why so many people there were so pissed off with the government throwing down billions into the World Cup (well, pissed before that slaughter that Germany gave their team) while the country’s infrastructure keeps falling apart.. Pretty much was about the same when I was growing up in Puerto Rico as well.

          • Latin America suffer the worst goverments and political attitudes of the society after Africa, imo

          • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

            Not everyone can be as glorious as North Korea! Behold our superior missile technology for example!


          • can I get your haircut?

          • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

            Only if you come to Best Korea! Everyone has my haircut here (mostly because I ordered it under threat of death).

          • Max

            Except that quite clearly they are “benefiting” more from the employment of all their workers than their workers are – otherwise they wouldn’t be employing them. The productivity of the workers is what has contributed to the Waltons’ business success (combined, of course, with their own investment and acumen). The wealth they have amassed would not have been possible without their workforce; and if having that workforce did not yield them the wealth, they would not be shy about laying all those workers off, which businesses frequently do when things go sour.

            So the “benefit” they provide society is entirely dependent upon their own success. Their employment of many workers – for the time being – is obviously of benefit for people who need work (albeit low-paid and insecure), but it’s not something we should feel the need to thank them for – or demonstrate that gratitude by giving them massive tax cuts.

          • I am not saying there is a need to “thank” them or give them tax cuts, what I am trying to point out that it is not the Walton’s fault for wanting the same thing that we all want.


          • Max

            I am not saying it’s the Waltons’ fault for wanting the same thing we all want. I’m just saying I don’t have a problem with expecting them to pay more tax than I do.

            I personally don’t have a problem with relative inequality. It’s inevitable anyway. If you redistributed all the world’s wealth to give everybody an equal share, in 24 hours’ time things would almost be back to where they were before the redistribution: Smart people would have grown their share by investing it, compulsive people would have gambled it away, sick people would have used it for treatment, and metalheads would have blown it all on crowdfunding a vinyl re-issue of classic Metal Blade titles.

            Absolute inequality is another matter. In many OECD countries, average living standards have gone backwards in a generation. I really don’t see how people working full-time and yet still having to take out food stamps is a situation that anybody sane would endorse.

          • Lacertilian

            The stress of not having food to eat or a place to live outweighs the stress of not knowing which caviar to have your butler choose.

          • The point I was trying to make is that people who are rich are stressed and people who are poor are stressed. With both scenarios, I feel it is important to focus on living life and not try to blame others.


        • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

          Things be mighty different here, at least partially, but I’ll have a say.
          I believe no should rely on state for their well being, but as a person currently having no other choice (and working his way out of it) I must say that taking the possibility of leaning into state when things are not working themselves out without help, is going to devastate.

          • Sometimes bad shit happens, man. I’m doing pretty damn well now but a few years back I had just about nothing. A social safety net is essential.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            I don’t exactly know how things have been arranged round the new continent. But it is indeed hard for me to see how things could even really work otherwise.

          • the protectionist side of the state, in some ways, can be enough to give chances.. as far as I readed, you, in the north european countries, have good management in the states and get helps in health and social safety..

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            We have free healthcare (more or less, at least it works) and yes help in social safety. Although I, myself, am willing to argue that Finland is too generous in giving them out. And living in a state like this has made it hard for me to see, how someone is unwilling to let another be helped in this way (I’m not saying you claimed this George), when discussing a country where such an arrangement would not have devastating effects.

          • But at least you got good education and the healthcare really works?

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Yes, of them I am thankful

          • i’m really glad for you! Venezuela is the opposite..

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            I also hear you guys have a ton of Tesla cars, which is pretty awesome.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            say what?

          • YourLogicIsFlushed
          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Oh, I guess so yeah. i don’t have though (which sucks)

          • USA might eventually have free healthcare (see: not ever going to happen) but it’s the transition that would kill any chances. if somebody could snap a finger and make it happen instantly however…

        • NefariousDude

          Liek if u cry everytiem #90skidstuff

        • Tyree


        • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

          Hah, silly American! Why not be like all of us in Best Korea?

        • Max

          My guess is that you, like me and the majority of people posting here, DO rely on the government for your well-being, even if you’re not on welfare.

          There are ways of measuring this. Governments don’t just provide welfare safety nets. They also build roads, infrastructure, maintain armies, police forces, schools, utilities, prisons, and many other things. All of this is paid for with taxes, levies, utility bills, etc.

          The question then becomes – how much of these services would you be able to afford if none of them were provided by government? Would you be able to pave your own roads, educate your own children, police your own neighbourhood, administrate your own hospital, conduct diplomatic relations with other countries, invent your own internet, etc. AND still have time to earn a living?

          Without progressive taxation, only the very, very rich would be able to afford all this if the state wasn’t doing it. (And once upon a time, before the state did so, only the nobility could.) The truth is – if you add up or estimate the per-capita unit cost of ALL the state-provided services and agencies you consume (ie: everything you’re taking out of the system), and compare that against all the taxes, levies, fees and so on that you pay into the system, you’ll find that the majority of people in any OECD country aren’t putting as much into the system as they’re taking out.

          In fact, I don’t have the stats at hand, but basically, for the US example, I imagine you’d probably be having to earn at least about US$150,000 a year before the amount of income tax you pay into the system starts being more than the per-capita average cost of what you’re using. Obviously people earning 150 large aren’t on welfare; but being on welfare is only a small part of it. If your definition of a “parasite” is somebody who relies on the state more than the state relies on them, then chances are, every employed, hard-working, responsible person you know is a parasite unless you move in the social circles of the super-rich.

          So what does this mean for the super-rich? Yes – they are paying more. A LOT more (provided they aren’t minimizing their tax, of course). Because them getting slugged a high rate of tax is the only thing that keeps the system as you’ve known it all your life running the way it does.

          The super-rich usually aren’t happy about this and they complain about it loudly. If I was one of them I’d probably see their point in some ways. Well, if one of them would like to swap places with me, maybe I’d get a better idea of the burdens, exploitation and discrimination they face. I’d be glad to.

          • You have valid points Max.


          • Max

            Cheers, GL.

        • every politician is a crook!!! i either A) don’t vote or B) give my votes to a friend who knows things.
          also: i find it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that i’m breaking a law if grow my own drugs on my own property.

      • CT-12

        Where’s zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……. when you need him?

    • Tyree
      • Upvote for the Discharge song!!

        • Tyree


          • they will release new album! def will listen to it! only one I had listened is this one..

          • Tyree

            It’s a Classic.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        You wanna get the crusty punx in a uproar. Play DISCHARGE Grave New World and watch them all openly weep.

    • CyberneticOrganism


  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    You could replace “Avenged Sevenfold” with “Tapout” and I’d never suspect anything was wrong.

    • I don’t profess to know much about fashion (I generally just stick to my golden armor and cape), but I don’t know if I’ve ever met a man so beshirted who wasn’t a complete dum-dum.

      • YourLogicIsFlushed

        I am willing to bet you have not met such a mythical person.

      • Stockhausen

        This beshirted man should also be bepunched.

      • Scrimm

        I have some tapout stuff and guess where I wore it. TO JIU JITSU TRAINING. What gets me if these morons wearing it who’ve never hit a mat or these fat fucks who couldn’t tap out anything but a cheeseburger.

    • i think the picture of the Whitechapel shirt guy should have a little caption that says “serving suggestion”

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Thought the same thing/10

    • JWG

      I take it “Tapout” is the new “Affliction”.

      I never quite understood the logic of naming your brand something that could make people think of VD…

      • JamesGrimm

        tapout=10 bucks Affliction=60 bucks or more.

        • JWG

          It’s possible that I’ve been seeing kids with ‘Tapout’ shirts on for a while now, and didn’t realize the difference. Certainly it fits in with other socioeconomic indicators.

  • The german letters in the Kirchenbrand shirt is so obnoxious.. Trying too much to be black merul 666-sigil of baphometh-offering sacrifices to satanás and the chupacabras together.. Madre santa!

  • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

    At the end of this article that ATR-shirt started to look good.

  • Tyree

    Mac and cheese buns.

  • JWG

    I went through a phase of getting band shirts from gigs I went to, but grew out of it (literally) because bands don’t ever seem to print on “Tall” sizes, which I need because my lineage evidently results in hereditarily short legs and long torsos among only male children.

    And I’m not a little guy anyway. So I might be lucky and find a 2X shirt in the merch stand, but it will only remain barely long enough until the first time I wash it.

    More often than not I would have to get shirts based on the fact that they were the only one that fit me. And that meant getting the design nobody else wanted. Many of which were of the Design Buffet type.

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      I have a similar issue. I often joke that I need Extra-Medium shirts because larges are too wide and mediums are too short. Tall and skinny struggles…

      • NefariousDude

        I used to be a medium. Then my girth demanded I wear large. It’s sad staring at all of your favorite shirts you can’t wear anymore :((

  • This will remain as one of my favorite t-shirt designs ever conceived.
    Long Live Animosity!

    • Andrew Ross Millar
      • Lacertilian

        My fave animosity shirt was the Sarah Palin Fetus shirt.

    • Lacertilian

      That’s a mad one eh!
      The best one I own I think is this one…
      NOTE: Not me in the picture, that’s the Indiemerchstore ‘mannequin’.

  • Unrelated: Finally gave “First Contact” by Contact a spin and holy shit is it good…Contact, as in the group featuring Paul Lawler (film composer) and Majeure of Zombi.

    • old_man_doom

      Fuck yeah. I’m diggin’ it for sure.

  • Count_Breznak

    Well Kirchenbrand literally means Churchfire/Church on fire, but I somehow doubt it’s a band for the trü and kült

    • Stockhausen

      Hahahahaha the faces in the bra.

      • Count_Breznak

        The closest they will ever get.

        • Stockhausen

          Not as hot as being that close to the eye. Mmmmm…everyone else is into that, right?

          • Count_Breznak

            There must be a market for band eyepatches. Ideally for both eyes.

  • “Cherry twizzler nibs” XD

    • Tyree

      The word “Nibs” intrigues me.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        It’s just an inverted letter away from nips

  • Sacritastic

    “Kirchenbrand” means burning church, “Frauen und Kinder zu erst”(back side of the shirt) means women and children first.

    The band is from Austria and plays NSBM.

  • I keep reading the title as “Shit Stains” and it goes rather nicely with the buffet theme.

  • Stockhausen

    I’m quickly running out of ways to show people how edgy I am.

    • 1.) Truck Nutz
      2.) Coal Rolling stackz
      3.) Tshirts with curse words in impact font

      I’ve got more, but there’s enough here to get you started.

      • remember the blasphemous phrases against catholic church or muslims..

        • Lacertilian

          My fave Psycroptic shirt has a metal Tassie Devil afront a burning church.
          Is that blasphemous enough?

        • Lacertilian

          My fave Psycroptic shirt has a metal Tassie Devil afront a burning church.
          Is that blasphemous enough?

      • Stockhausen


    • Cock ov Steele

      I’m prescribing you 3 Cannibal Corpse shirts-a day.

      Dr. Harry Lolbuttz MD

      • Stockhausen

        But what if I don’t want to scare away girls? What do I do doc??

    • Tyree

      Do a bunch ov lines of cocaine on the toilet seat at the dirty dive of a venue/bar room.

      • Stockhausen

        This is good, this is good. How long should the toilet be unflvshed?

        • Tyree

          Lets hope the toilet is unflushable.

          • Stockhausen

            My good man, I just may be edgy yet.

    • IronLawnmower

      Just buy a blank white shirt and cover it in cuss words with a fabric marker.

      • Just wear a tight white t-shirt like me, and slick back your hair. BADABING you’re a greaser. Retro edgy.

  • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage
  • Howard Dean

    All of these bands suck and their merch is appropriately shitty.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    Nowadays, shirts only grab my attention when they’re A) not black and B) try to have an interesting design instead of just being brootal and kvlty. Too many black shirts, bro.

    • Lacertilian

      Most of those other colours seem to sell out quicker too.
      You think they’d just fucking make more of them.

  • George Clarke

    skulls are so lame

  • Guppusmaximus