Shirt Stains: Death Comes Lolbuttzing

Death waits for some.

Blood and guts, ruthless aggression, and unspeakable violence. Welcome to women’s roller derby. Also, death metal. True, there may be not much of connection between the two, but I can only assume Suffocation’s Frank Mullen is a master on skates. While roller derby t-shirts usually adhere to the uniform/sports team aesthetic, death metal..umm… well, take a look for yourself.

Cannibal Corpse – Bleh

cannibalstains

It wouldn’t be a death metal Shirt Stains without Cannibal Corpse. I’m not sure the exact moment the band went from “Evil blood-thirsty monsters” to “Yeeeeah, we’re just fucking around.” Maybe it was always like that for some fans. After all, the members do have family lives. Maybe it’s when George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher espoused his “fucking passion” for World of Warcraft. Maybe it was when they decided to have their shirts designed by the weird kid that only takes 3 classes and has to be accompanied by a court-appointed guardian at all times.

A lot of Cannibal Corpse merch has zombies on it. That’s cool. I like zombies (obviously). Their zombies always look kind of strange though, like they’re hopped-up on prosac. You can really see it on this shirt with the frozen smile/grimace. That’s the look of someone sitting through a really bad piece of poetry at a coffee place while they wait for their friend to show up. That’s the look you give when you have Thanksgiving dinner with your significant other’s family and they ask when you’re getting married/having kids. Perhaps these zombies are just really excited to perform surgery. Or they just haven’t noticed that they don’t have any feet. I guess the artist was too distracted putting all the blood splatters on the shirt to, y’know, finish drawing the rest of the picture.

Malignancy – Oh baby, baby

malignancyshirtstains

This is one of those band shirts that people only wear to other shows. This shirt is currently buried in the bottom of many drawers across the country in the hopes that loved ones never find it. You’re probably not busting this shirt out to wear to Great Aunt Gilda’s 90th birthday party because there’s no way she’s making it to 91 after seeing it. I’m no doctor, but I don’t think this design is 100% medically accurate. The delicate brushstrokes and calming colors are a nice touch, though. It’s like a lakeside picnic on a warm spring day… if that lake were next to a nuclear waste-infused mass grave.

While the design is, um, unique, the real gripe is with the back. It’s just the same design as the front, band name and all, with the song’s lyrics printed on top. Not just one or two clever lines, but the entire song. It’s quite the toe-tapper of a song, so I can see why they wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on the lyrical intricacies. I guess we should be happy that they didn’t make a shirt for the next song on the same album. Just reading those lyrics makes your insurance rates go up. They’re a gory death metal band and their lyrics reflect it. I get it, but they should probably be a little more succinct since it’s beginning to become a problem.

Misery Index – Pope is dope

miseryindexshirtstains

“What the fuck is up, bitcheeeessssssssssssssss?!?” That was the first thought that came to mind when I saw this shirt. Pope Corpsey II is here it party. He is the voice of the Party God on Earth, and Andrew WK is his apostle. Instead of a waifer, he gives you some ketamine and glow sticks. Instead of wine, he gives you jungle juice and Monster mixed in his bathtub. Sure, he appears to have extra arms, but that just means more places to high-five, brah!

I could probably make an entire Pope-based Shirt Stains post. There is no shortage of metal band shirts with the Pope on them. The Pope is an easy target for metal. Rage against religion, rage against authority, etc. Most of those shirts show the Pope as some sort of corpse. Misery Index goes the extra mile by turning his body into a writhing pile of snakes. Or spaghetti; it’s kind of hard to tell. Maybe it’s to distract from the wordy phrase beneath the band name. “Fear Ritualized to Control Illuminaughts illumination”. Uh, sure why not? Maybe the back of the shirt has an explanation to what that means. Hopefully it doesn’t look like the back of that Malignancy shirt. We’ve got things to see and buttz to lol.

Whitechapel – Bllllllaaaaarrrggghhhhh

whitechapelstains

I know some people will bristle at the fact that Whitechapel is included on a list of death metal bands, but this shirt would appear on this list regardless of what band was on it. It’s like someone drank a bunch of blue Powerade and ipecac and the other thing to catch the geyser of vomit on this shirt. It’s like they purposely designed this shirt to be as ugly as humanly possible. The gross face-thing with uncooked pasta coming out of its mouth, the random skulls, the random feathers, the even more random symbols at the bottom. None of it makes sense. Amazingly, this isn’t the first time Whitechapel has put out a shirt containing a bizarre face with some highly-detailed bullshit to go around it. What a strange idea to repeat.

This shirt wasn’t designed, it was still-birthed. This shirt canceled Silent Hills. This shirt is all about swatting people. This shirt thinks Ted Cruz is handsome. This shirt looks up to James Franco. This shirt thinks the Earth is flat. This shirt thinks Papa John’s pizza is good. This shirt just wants people to leave Phil Anselmo alone. This shirt is the newest writer for BroBible. This shirt walks out of stores when they don’t accept Bitcoins. This shirt posts columns about tech death bands on Tuesdays.

Defeated Sanity – They’re creepy and they’re kooky…

defeatedsanitystains

Defeated Sanity are a German tech death band that have been around for over 20 years. Wow! It’s a little less impressive when you see that they’ve only released 4 full-length albums in that time, but hey, it’s better than putting out just one album in over a decade with a cast of members that would rival a Broadway play.

Like just about every death metal band, Defeated Sanity have the brutal and difficult-to-read logo. That’s perfectly fine. It’s the picture underneath the logo. That’s Uncle Fester from the Adams Family. The look on his face isn’t quite pain or pleasure, so it’s not Butterball the Cenobite. He just kind of looks like he’s saying “I looooooooooooooooooooove Death By Chocolate cake! Oh my god, you can actually taste the buttteerrrrrrr! It’s going straight to my thiiiiggghhhhsss! Am I fat? Please tell me if I’m fat. I mean, don’t tell me if I am just tell me what I want to hear. You can see my organs, can’t you? Oh, god I’m gross! Nyyyaaahhhhh!”

defeatedsanityback

The back of the shirt says “True to Sickness”. Good. Great. I’m glad you guys stay true to Sickness. In this day and age, people are so false to Sickness. I blame social media and the bully culture. If they really wanted to prove how true they were, Defeated Sanity would give Sickness a promise ring. Show some commitment, guys!

Written by:

Published on: February 19, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 1612

Tags: , , , , , , ,

  • Scrimm

    God those are ugly. Love me some CC but man I wish they would get a different artist. Guy sucks. The last album cover could have been so cool

    Also: Defeated Sanity>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

    • Its been down hill since the start. The first 2 album covers are perfection though.

      • Scrimm

        Pretty much. They’ve had some cool ideas but dragged down by crappy execution. I LOVED the concept of the last album for a couple reasons but same problem

        • I have not followed CC for years now. I remember their newer album covers being indeed shitty though.

          • Scrimm

            I would actually call it one of thier best, just how much cooler it would have been if they had went with an artist who has, you know, things like talent and ability.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I wouldn’t have pegged you as a CC fan Scrimm and I wholeheartedly approve!

          • m/
            i guess we’ll keep him around

          • Scrimm

            Big time.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Awesome…

          • Boss the Ross

            I liked the cover as well. But it didn’t have the CC vibe.

          • That helps, yep.

      • Nativian Taco

        Tomb of the Mutilated, tho.

      • sweetooth0

        TOMB is the best!

    • sweetooth0

      NOOOOO. Vince Locke is the man. I’ll admit the first three are the best, but Wretched Spawn, Gallery of Suicide and Torture are tops in my books. I love his style, and it’s instantly recognizeable.

      • sweetooth0

        The only time a CC cover is weak is when the band (or label) thinks it’s a good idea to not have a brutally gory cover.

      • Scrimm

        Ok I guess I’m being harsh. They’re not all that bad.

  • She doesn’t know that I pooped on these shirts.

    http://p.fod4.com/p/media/78ef3c3617/hpPAf9lFTLmKDzQ5am7A_monkey%20smile.gif

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      Swiggity swooty, I’m coming for that booty.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        swiggity swooty…haha

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Where were these hot interview girls when I was a young ape?

    • tigeraid

      “Prepare your anus.”

      • Commandant Lassard

        “Bite the pillow, I’m going in dry!”

    • DVRKBEVRD

      and that orangutans name was tyree

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Tyrangutan

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      The murder is his eyes is palpable.

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    BLLLLLLAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • This shirt posts columns about tech death bands on Tuesdays

    SAVAGE

    • You guys are going to get me more angry emails.

      • Salvador Dalí Lama

        Angry emails from who?

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          Dear Mr Thrashkill,

          My son spends too much time meeming on your blog and listening to evil music. Please cease and desist your activities now.

          A concerned parent

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            I was thinking like the site that has twice now commandeered some Toilet things as their own.

            But that works too.

          • Commandant Lassard

            Way more than that actually, when he’s not cutting and pasting Blabbermouth articles and changing a couple of words. It’s the Million Little Pieces of metal journalism.

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            And then that article is placed in a circle where all the other BBN blogs hover around it, like one big circle jerk of “journalism”.

          • Commandant Lassard

            What’s BBN?

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            Blast Beat Network, but to be fair I’m not sure if it’s the one the dudes from MI/MS run.

          • Commandant Lassard

            ….

        • Commandant Lassard

          One Million Moms? Axl Rosenberg? Westboro Baptist Church?

      • Owlswald

        Reach a compromise for tech death Wednesdays?

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Stoner Mondays. Boom.

          • Post a picture of your Monday poops Mondays.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Post your poops.

          • Perfect. Winner gets shit.

          • BobLoblaw

            Ratemypoo.com

          • COAL ROLL

            Sunday poops after saturday drinking are the best

        • Commandant Lassard

          Power Metal Monday Through Saturday.

      • Spear

        All worth it to spite Andrew “posts pictures of other people’s deformities on Facebook and laughs at them” Weeber.

        • WAT

          • Spear

            Looks like he took the post down, because I can’t find it. In any case, he took a picture of a guy (who was totally unaware he was being photographed) with a growth on the back of his neck, mocking him because it “looked like a nutsack.”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Classy.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            To be honest. That sounds like something I would share

          • Lacertilian

            Well, you really did have to show the doctor to get the proper diagnosis after all.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Lacertilian plz! I don’t visit the doctor on Facebook (though I would if I could)

          • Lacertilian

            Dagon, what is this lump?

  • Guppusmaximus
  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    “Intrauterine cannibalism” lolbutz. And we wonder why people think we (metal heads) are weird.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      We aren’t weird?

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Guilty as charged, and fuck m all!

        • sweetooth0

          Plus that album RIPS

    • Commandant Lassard

      Because we are?

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        whats normal? lol

    • Nothing wrong with a song called “Jump Rope Intestines”. I don’t see how anyone could possibly be bothered by that.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Its like, “just chill the fuck out people.” lol

      • Commandant Lassard

        “That’s not funny, bro! My best friend is in rehab for a vaginal skin addiction!”

  • Owlswald

    I just can’t get behind buying “tour date” shirts. It makes some sense when the band touring passes through only in a blue moon, and you are wanting more of a souvenir than videoing half of it with your phone, but with the “reunion” show fad at its peak it’s likely you will get to see another tour anyway.

    • Guppusmaximus

      I liked the tour shirts when they had a never-before-seen design that you couldn’t buy in the store a week after the band played. It was especially hard to find if that band played your city / town once in a blue moon…

      • Boss the Ross

        This.

    • just don’t take away the “tour date” shirt idea from Rush fans

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Or the elderly cause I wouldn’t buy a shirt without the dates and I buy one at every show I attend.

      • Owlswald

        Spot on. To be fair, the only tour date shirt I owned was a Rush shirt ( I love the band) back in high school. Rush-ites use those shirts to spur conversations about how many times you’ve seen the band live.

    • Commandant Lassard

      I dunno. I still have my Moonsorrow concert shirt, and as far as I can tell, you can’t find it online. At least not without paying an arm and a leg on Ebay.

    • DVRKBEVRD

      like my Agalloch tour longsleeve?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      “See these dates, man? I was THERE at that Idaho gig. Gawddamn man they put on a helluva show, lemme tell ya… yeah this was about 30 years ago… I’M NOT THAT OLD SHUT UP”

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    And what rough LOL, its hour come round at last, slouches towards BUTTZ to be born?

  • Nativian Taco

    The Defeated Sanity shirt isn’t as bad as the other ones. It needs to say “siqq as fuqq”, tho.

  • I hear a faint echo of a “OHH-WA-A-A-AHH!!” with that final shirt.

    Can you hear it, 365?

  • Waynecro

    “This shirt walks out of stores when they don’t accept Bitcoins.” So good, dude. So good.

  • Commandant Lassard

    The CC zombies have no feet, you say? That can only mean one thing: Rob Liefeld is working undercover as their official artist.

    http://home.earthlink.net/~grotesqueanatomy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/capnekkid2.jpg

  • DVRKBEVRD

    im about to boycot myself from buying any band tees or hoodies, for fear of them becoming lolbuttz down the road.

    *contemplates that drudkh hoodie again

    • CyberneticOrganism

      But djent and deathcore shirts will age like fine wine, bro

  • Who in the mother hell buys this shit?

    Ppl need help. They need to try less hard. Then, they will realize no one gives a french-toast about how other ppl see them…

    Also, lol @ “Swiggity swooty, I’m coming for that booty.”

    GL

    • #toiletconfession: an 18 year old me bought shirts to shock people

      • #toiletconfession: he failed cause they were Static-X and Disturbed

        • ME GORAK B.C.™

          ME HAD CERTAIN CRADLE OV FILTH LOINCLOTH YEARS AGO!!!!! HAD MASTURBATING NUN & BAD WORD!!!!!!!!!

        • #toiletconfession I have not bought this yet. I must repent my sins!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jirn16W4t-E

          • i found it to be a lot better than Sgùrr

          • I am not convinced either way yet…I only started listening to it on Monday. Sgurr is a gem, though!

        • Owlswald

          No Jesus is a cunt C.O.F shirt?

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        #toiletconfession: Ive done the same thing and wont wear the shirt in certain company. Example: I dont think my 75 year old father in law would dig my Bathory shirt. So I’m a big pussy and wont wear it on Easter when I see him next. .

        • Commandant Lassard

          I made the bad mistake of wearing my Blade Runner ‘Wake Up Time To Die’ shirt one day after Colombine, which I didn’t know happened at the time. Let’s just say wearing that around school made for some interesting looks, and one of my teachers telling me to turn it inside out (which I didn’t).

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            oops

  • BobLoblaw

    Gotta love how understated that Whitechapel shirt is. On a positive note, new Pathology is on its way.

  • Eliza

    What is “True to Sickness” even supposed to mean?

  • sweetooth0

    Regarding the Cannibal Corpse shirt. The artist who drew the zombies didn’t do the shirt design. Someone cropped them (badly) out of the original image and used a freeware blood spatters brush behind it. Personally, I love any Cannibal Corpse art done by Vince Locke (one of my favorite artists). The stuff he didn’t do is noticeably weaker. The actual image those zombies are from is this (which is what my tour shirt looked like):

    • sweetooth0

      And this image, good sir, is how you do a fucking death metal cover

  • Rho Stone

    I’d wear the whitechapel shirt… if I liked whitechapel, but I don’t.

  • D. Lee

    These are pretty

  • Lacertilian

    It’s criminal that the least atrocious shirt here is that terrible Defeated Sanity one.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I put the Cannibal Corpse one into the “so bad it’s good” category.

      • Lacertilian

        Classic Ted NuDjent.