Shirt Stains – Dearthcore
Chuggity chug chug chug urr rurrrr urrrrrrr chuggity chug chug chug.
Deathcore tends to fall into two categories when it comes to traditional metal fans: “Eh, I like one or two decent bands” and “Fuck that fucking bullfuck”. While there are a few good ones out there, many tend to fall into a mediocre pile of bad tattoos, scowling faces, cargo shorts, and random breakdowns. Whether you love, hate, or nothing the genre, I think we can all agree that these shirts… oh shit, here it comes…
gurrr rrrruggg (chug chug)
grraaarrr maarrrrr (chug chug)
Upon A Burning Body – If it’s brown, flush it down.
You remember Upon A Burning Body, right? Sure you do! They’re the dumb shit band that tried to drum up attention for themselves with a half-baked kidnapping scam/prank. I can only assume that the idea was a huge success and their album went double adamantium. When they’re not busy squandering the trust of potential fans or harshing Ice-T’s cred, they’re making t-shirts that look like the remnants of a port-o-potty after a chili cookoff. Judging by the speckles of yellow, it looks like they were also serving corn.
The actual artwork, which looks like zombie cowboys versus the foreign legion, might have been cool if we could actually see the detail. The artist clearly put effort into his work, but we can’t really see it because everything is varying shades of gas station burrito. Doesn’t help that there’s a giant cattle skull bursting out of the band’s name. How very, very unnecessary. “Gotta get that skull in there or else no one will know it’s Upon A Burning Body!”
The one positive about the shirt? It comes in 2 shades of shit. Variety is the spice of digestion.
Oceano – An English teacher weeps.
Can bands please stop doing this? I’m asking nicely. This is not good. This is not cool. This is lowest common denominator angsty garbage that plays directly into multiple metal stereotypes: angry, vulgar, uneducated, lovers of the color purple and multiple fonts. Hmm, that’s a new one.
As I do with other shirts like this, let’s read the entire thing as is: “This is a dead planet it’s fucking worthless Oceano Ascendants Windy City death”. Terrible. Just terrible. If this shirt was just their logo and “This is a dead planet” on the back, it would be perfectly fine. We don’t get that, though. We get a bucket full of congealed KFC gravy in word form. No amount of scraping that icky gravy skin off this shirt would make it cool. I can only hope that all of the missing punctuation is on the back of this shirt. Possibly next to a note home from Oceano’s English teacher.
Campbell – Do not look directly at the shirt.
Campbell is a deathcore band from the Philippines, proving that the genre is not just bound to American teenagers. Don’t look at this shirt for too long lest you completely burn out your retinas. It’s so hideously bright that Lisa Frank asked the band to tone it down. The light blues, hot pinks, and electric greens are like a bowl of Lucky Charms if the marshmallows were replaced with psychoactive drugs. Party on, Wayne!
Perhaps it’s a good thing that the shirt is so hard to look at because it’s a really weird design. The horned devil monster, completely with nuclear snot and gauged ears, is coughing up a naked snake version of Elvira. Or is she part of his tongue? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I just want someone to pat my head and tell me that all of these shirts are being destroyed. Shhhhhh, it’ll all be over soon.
Impending Doom – Jesus, we get the point!
Christiancore Impending Doom bring the chuggitys with a side of JC and a slice of wisdom with this shirt. The front design actually isn’t bad if you ignore the weird little mini-demons. They’re adorably evil, like a puppy owned by one of the Koch brothers. Not sure why the pretty lady doesn’t have eyes. Must’ve missed that part in the Bible. Is one of the demons braiding her hair? Perhaps they’re gossiping about some of the other ladies in Hell, before they do each other’s nails and watch the second season of Sex In The City.
All of that pales compared to the back of the shirt. Again with the run-ons and lack of punctuation. What, did John 3:17 state that commas and periods were the work of the Sodomites? That is one big 666. It’s actually far bigger than the band’s name. If you’re trying to come out against His Goatship, maybe don’t give him such a large amount of real estate on your merch. It doesn’t really matter. As Bart Simpson once said, “Everyone knows the best bands are affiliated with Satan.”
As Blood Runs Black – We’re disappointed in you, son.
Damn it, As Blood Runs Black. Did you not see what I said about Oceano and Impending Doom? Do you want to be held back a grade? Do you want to embarrass your mother? Do you want to make her cry? That’s it! You’re not going out with your friends, you’re not going to the mall, you can kiss your car priveleges goodbye. You’re getting a tutor and you’re buckling down, mister. We better see a big improvement in your grades by the end of the semester or it’s off to military school, buddy. And “Fuckin”? Really? Fuckin? In this family, we use the letter “G”. Now go to your room!
Cryptic Sacrifice – Nononononononononononononono.