Shirt Stains: D Is For Death Metal, C Is For Crappy Shirts

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It also stands for “Cookie” and that’s good enough for me.

Death. Destruction. Chaos. Violence. War. Defilement. These are all hallmarks of death metal. If you can think of something sick and depraved, there’s probably a death metal song about it. We can go from general acts of carnage to incredibly specific descriptions of bodily fluids and functions. The only thing more disgusting than the songs are these shirts.

Amon Amarth – With Brodin On Our Side

amonamarthshirtstains

 

Praise Odin and pass the mango habanero boneless wings! Loki will never be able to use his mischievous tricks on you because he’ll be too busy giving you a wedgie. You’ll look so good rolling coal across the Bifrost with this thing on.

This shirt has everything a mall metal dork could want: giant Thor’s hammer, rune symbols, flames. All that’s missing is a can of Surge and this shirt can come free with a purchase of the latest World of Warcraft download. There’s so much going on that the band’s name is an after-thought.

“Guys, we really have to get that Celtic knot-looking thing on the arm? Are we missing anything?”
“More flames?”
“Yes! Good call! Anything else?”
“More Viking stuff?”
“Ok…good…um…anything else? Something that really screams “Amon Amarth?”
“Hmmmm…maybe our name?”
“Crap. Yeah, probably should squeeze that in somewhere. But don’t cover the sweet Thor’s hammer!”

 Hate Eternal – Kabuki Theater 3000

hateeternalshirtstains

I haven’t listened to Hate Eternal all that much. What I’ve heard has been decent. My first introduction to them was people hating them, then liking them, and then indifference. Could be worse I suppose. Since I don’t know much about them, I have to ask, “Are they from Japan?” A quick search of google would reveal that they are, in fact, from Florida. That makes the shirt all the more confusing (not to mention culturally inappropriate). But hey, maybe that’s what the album is about, you tell me.

Either way, those are some goofy looking faces. They could look good if they didn’t look like a sketch book found in a bathroom stall at a Starbucks. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised looking at the artwork for this album. What’s going on in the top corner of the shirt? Are those swords? Aluminum siding? Wolverine’s claws? The bland off-white and brown coloring is all the more apparent when the models tattoos are all bright and colorful. Plus, he has a better face on his arm than the faces on his chest.

Honestly, the biggest reason this shirt is on the list is because of the face on the left. The one with the huge smile and the bulging eyes. Check out where he’s looking. Yup, right at the crotch. He is so incredibly excited to see your junk that he might plotz. That’s either an incredible Easter Egg or a disgruntled artist having a laugh.

Morbid Angel – Crapel of Ghouls

morbidshirtstains

Who…Why…How…But…If…When…Oh boy. This shirt is ugly. It’s hideous in stereo. It’s terrible in Technicolor. In Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the Nazis opened the ark, this shirt was inside. When Rose from Titanic dropped her jewel in the ocean, it was because it looked like this shirt. When the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park escaped, they were trying to get away from this shirt.

What exactly is supposed be going on? Is that skeleton with the flowing hair being impaled on the gate? Is it coming through the gate? It looks like the world’s worst game of checkers. When someone says “king me” you just puke into their eyes. It’s like a tic-tac-toe board for the criminally insane. I’m not exactly sure what’s happening on this shirt, but the Castlevania theme plays in my head every time I look at it. Quick, throw some holy water!

Morgoth – No thanks. I’ve had enough goth.

morgothshirtstains

Ever wanted to know what happens to a Christmas ham by the time April rolls around? Morgoth knows and they want you to wear it. It’s got that rotten pink and green hue to it you only see in spoiled food and FOX News guest commentators. You can actually smell the rotting pig anus on this shirt. The design isn’t the worst, but it’s somewhere between ultra detailed and not detailed enough. Maybe that’s from age, but who knows. It’s like a thumb with a tongue.

The other problem with the shirt is the font for the words. Just doesn’t work for me. Some of you may like it, but to me, it looks like a bunch of lines. Morgoth (or Morgath as an old Century Media compilation I have labeled them) would have been better off with something more simple. A little less brutal and a little more legible. Hmmm, now that I think about it, what’s the name of this band again? If only they thought to include it somewhere on the shirt.

Obituary – End Is Complete…I guess

Obituaryshirtstains

On last week’s Shirt Stains, ToH reader CT-12 commented how Obituary managed to not be included. It takes the artwork for The End Complete and mashes it up with one of those ugly Fail Bro button down shirts. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those silky bright blue shirts with giant orange flames and dice-shaped buttons. Nothing says brutal like the unofficial uniform of the perpetually virginal.

This shirt pisses with the seat down and misses on purpose. This shirt kicks your chair in the movie theater. This shirt trains in MMA just to hurt people. This shirt chews with it’s mouth open. This shirt asks you what happens in new TV episodes. This shirt owns one of these stupid St. Patrick’s day hats. This shirt is planning to go to Mayhem Fest and leave before King Diamond. This shirt has a library card just to rent free DVDs.

I hope you’re happy, CT-12.

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  • That Morbid Angel shirt is terrible. It doesn’t even have pre-cut holes to show off my nipple rings.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That would be too extreme.

    • Óðhinn

      And connect them with a chain.

  • Tyree
    • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

      Tyree I ordered that Black Witchery/ Revenge split from NWN! last night. Can’t wait for that to come in! I also preordered the new House of Atreus album from Dark Descent, and picked up the Ride for Revenge/Torturium split for cheap off Discogs. My CD spend-a-thon continues (but really must end soon, for the love of Odin!) I have CDs on order from all over the Northern Hemisphere!

      • Tyree

        Nice dude! I’m trying my best here to not order anything since I’m going to MDF next month. The amount of merch and music available there is beyond insane.

        • Scrimm

          I would honestly go for that just as much as seeing bands live.

          • Tyree

            Yup, each year there seems to be more vendors too.

          • Scrimm

            I could drop so much at one of those things. It’s the same with the horror conventions I’ve been going to. Checking out the vendors is just as much fun as anything.

          • Pick me up something real nice bb.

          • Tyree

            Any thing in particular. I know there are ton of bands at Soundstage you’d probably really like.

          • Seriously. I’m mad jelly that you’re gonna get to see Agoraphobic Nosebleed. I’ll live vicariously through your journey/merch collection!

          • Tyree

            I’ll keep you duders posted. When I get back I’ll make sure to write a full report for the Toilet.

        • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

          Would love to go to Deathfest sometime. Would probably take out a personal loan just for that merch spread. I’d go nuts. I’d run around like a crazy person until the Baltimore cops tazed, punched, groin kicked, curb stomped, and/or shot me to death.

        • sweetooth0

          amen to that, but there’s an Anal Cunt – I Like it When You Die CD at a good price on ebay right now so….

          • Tyree

            Curse you clown.

          • sweetooth0

            I keep looking at stuff, but what stays my mouse clicking finger from adding the items to my cart is thinking “yeah, but they’re a vendor at the fest, maybe I can get it there and not pay shipping”

    • Tyree

      You should all buy this for your girlfriends/wives. Ya’ll be classy to do so.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      From the Taylor Momsen collection

    • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

      Ed Hardy has officially run out of ideas.

  • Dr. Dubz

    *pushes glasses up nose* I think you mean Mjolnir.

    • You own that AA shirt, don’t you.

      • Dr. Dubz

        Not that one.

      • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

        I have one. All it says is Amon Amarth and is pure black. Gotta keep it simple.

    • Christian Mjolnir

  • Scrimm

    Hahaha With Brodyn on our side. I really hate Amon Amarth.

    • Herr Schmitty

      With Brodyn on our side >>>>>>>>

      Amon Amarth >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
      Can’t lie: I have terrible taste, and I kinda dig that AA shirt.

      • Scrimm

        I used to be a big fan. Now I don’t know what I saw in them.

      • J.R.

        I’ve got “Thousand Years of Oppression” blasting right now. Definitely one of my favorite bands, if only because they were one of my first “metal” discoveries way back when.

  • IronLawnmower

    EXTREME MUSIC FOR SHITTY PEOPLE.

    • FOR EXTREMELY SHITTY PEOPLE.
      *FTFY

      • Shrimp ov Bad Opinions

        EXTREMELY SHITTY MUSIC FOR EXTREME PEOPLE.

        • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

          EXTREME SHITS FOR SHITTY EXTREME PEOPLE SHITTY SHIT

          Swearing is fun

        • Tyree
          • Sir Tapir the Based

            You’re an all star.

        • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

          Pretty much describes my former characters band in a nutshell.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan

      This is the musical equivalent to shitting in a blender, turning it on, and having sex with it.

      -unmellow · 3 years ago

      • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

        I’d listen to that and buy their crappy demo tape too.

        • Shrimp ov Bad Opinions

          Hell, that’d be some people’s album of the year.

        • IronLawnmower

          It sounds like one of those thousands of shitty black/death bands that you could find worshipped on the NWN forums.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      2EXTREME7U

    • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

      Extreme music for people singing about killing cops, and shit themselves whenever a cop car rolls on by.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    The ones with all over print are always vomit-inducing.

    • Dr. Dubz

      I’m willing to admit that at one point in time I owned this shirt (refresh for image).

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Damn.

        • Dr. Dubz

          I know, I know. I’m really not sure what ended up happening to it. I think I gave it away years ago, but I’m not certain.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You were a kid I take it? I had a hideous Black Sabbath one too.

          • Dr. Dubz

            No, just dumb with friends who didn’t give good advice.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Humans will always let you down. I’ll see if I can find the Sabbath one I had.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            This be it.

          • The Beargod

            The Hell? Did somebody wash this with cherries?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            No shit. I think I was like 17 when I got this. That is no cunting excuse though.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Oh man. That’s bad. We’ve all made questionable merch decisions.

          • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan

            once when i was younger i was almost compleatly emo but my mom ouwnt let me ware band names on my shirt and swetshirt so now life sucks.

            -i want to be emo, 3 years ago

          • Maik Beninton

            You have used this before.
            I’m pretty sure of it.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yes, yes we have.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Agreed. I have an Upon A Burning Body shirt with SpongeBob on it. I wear it a lot too.

          • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

            I’m amazed ANYONE listens to them, especially after that missing person/death hoax. That has to easily qualify as the most idiotic publicity stunt of all time.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            I own the most boring Mastodon shirt. It literally has just the band name on it and nothing else. I could have had this lovely beast, and I chose the boring one instead. God I’m a boring idiot sometimes.
            http://cdn.acfrg.com/i/0_0_fit_ffffff__png/ACfrG/productpics_fullsize/2/295009a-emp.jpg

          • woah, this art is very good!

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            I know. I’m ashamed that I didn’t buy it now. That looks so much better.

          • old_man_doom

            CHASE ‘EM DOWN
            STRING ‘EM UP

          • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

            Not me! Thankfully I’ve always had good taste in clothes and music (cue the “oh no, you’re hiding something” responses)

      • Guacamole Jim
      • That is definitely Kerry King-approved. I’m really hoping you were at most 13 when you had this.

        • Dr. Dubz

          I’m not saying I wasn’t thirteen, but I wasn’t thirteen.

      • Scrimm

        Gross. I came so close to buying one a lot like this one. http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTI3MVgxNjAw/z/OqEAAMXQVERSx8A5/$_35.JPG

        • Dr. Dubz

          I love Maiden, but all the shirts with Eddy always end up looking super goofy.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah It’s weird. My favorite band by far, no one will ever have a chance at even coming close and I own probably 15 shirts, but I almost never wear any of them. Just never feel they look right.

          • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

            The giant Eddie looks even more lolbuttz in concert.

        • The Beargod

          As much as I love this cover, fuck this shirt.

          • Scrimm

            I’ll always buy their shirts, cause fanboy and collection, but I don’t wear them much.

          • The Beargod

            The only band I currently own more than one shirt from I think, I do wear them though.

        • Maik Beninton

          This is the only band shirt I have.
          It’s large size even though I use medium, but it was the only size they had in store.

      • Maik Beninton

        I would buy it if I was 15.

  • Scrimm
  • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

    Best part of waking up, is Shirt Stains in your cup.

  • A Cat

    *MEEEOW*!

  • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

    Luckily not all of Hate Eternals shirts are shitty. One of my favorites I own:
    *refresh for image*
    Goddamn it disqus.

    • Tyree

      That album never slows down.

      • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

        Fucking Relentless.

  • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan

    my mom doseint let me listen to death metal

    Forren, 2 Years Ago

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    I own that Hate Eternal shirt. Two weeks in a row!

    *fist pump*

  • CyberneticOrganism

    THAT’S SOME LOOSE-FITTING AMON AMARTH GEAR BRO! GOTTA TIGHTEN THAT SHIT UP SO THE SKANKS CAN SEE YOUR TONE!

    http://randomoverload.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/82fbfb59ng-that-out.jpg

    • Maik Beninton

      It even shows where to punch.

    • The best thing of this pic is: bros.failblog.org jajajaja.

    • Tyree
      • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

        Goddamn! Why am I suddenly growling atavistically and waving a club at my coworkers?

      • CyberneticOrganism

        What’s this from? Beerfest or something?

        • Tyree

          No idea.

        • Scrimm

          Van Wilder 2

          • Tyree

            Makes sense.

          • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

            There was a sequel?! There truly can be no God, then!

          • Scrimm

            Yeah it was all about the Indian kid Taj.

      • OldMetalHead

        Headlights are on high-beam at least.

      • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair
        • Óðhinn

          That is the greatest thing that’s ever happened.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      If this becomes a new thing, I pray for meteors.

    • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

      Is that the singer for Right Said Fred?!

  • I really do despise people who kick your chair in the movie theatre. I totally advocate turning around and slugging them. No verbal warning because they’ll just do it again. You need to set the tone early.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    Amon Amarth is one of my favorite guilty pleasures in metal. I would wear the shit out of that shirt just to be obnoxious

    • Stockhausen

      I wouldn’t even be mad. Well, a little bit, but lol.

      • Guacamole Jim

        butt lol

        • Stockhausen

          HAHA I said butt. Butt. Hehe.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Is it a problem I like the way that Obituary shirt looks? I do hate that Morbid Angel shirt though.

  • “indoctrination your god” lolwut? here’s one of my shirt stains:
    http://images.cdn.bigcartel.com/bigcartel/product_images/35012546/max_h-1000+max_w-1000/Demon_Shirt.jpg

    • what that means? :S

      • Guacamole Jim

        Yes.

      • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

        I dunno. I think they Google translated something from Chapultepec or Sanskrit.

    • Tyree

      Warlord has some cool shirts. I order from there a lot.

  • Stockhausen

    “When someone says “king me” you just puke into their eyes.” http://replygif.net/1485

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    Wow, that Morgoth shirt is worse than my former character’s first album.
    It has to be pretty irredeemable to get to that level.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      It is very irredeemable.

      • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

        Amen, that shirt should count its fucking blessings, because I’ll destroy them with my bare hands, and sandpit turtle.

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          That shirt would die in the pit.

  • That a capella dude is the best

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7nVJbI9bhU

  • KJM

    I guess this would be considered a questionable shirt that I once owned. I still have it but it’s way too beat up to wear. In my defense, it was a gift from a good friend who passed away.
    http://tshirtslayer.com/files-tshirt/styles/shirtview/public/user-6473/c879e36786f4b0cbbae7dd05731e19f9.jpg?itok=3wS9lWSC

    • Ricky

      Not questionable cuz Maiden makes anything cool.

      • more beer

        Beer is always cool. This beer however, the bottle is better than the contents. It`s not bad just not really good either. I will continue my beer snobbery and pass this up always.

        • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

          Not all beer is cool, just look at Axe Head, Steel Reserve, Stack (the all time worst beer on the planet) or Earthquake. Or Bud Light and Miller Light, or light beer in general.

          • more beer

            I said beer! Half of that is malt liquor the rest are water. I`m an huge beer snob. I haven`t drank anything crappy like any of those in years. The Trooper Beer was actually the closet thing I`ve had to such crap in a long time. Like I said it wasn`t bad it just wasn`t great.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    That is the “Radikult” of Morbid Angel shirts.

  • Call the Slambulance

    Brodyn is always on your side.

  • J.R.

    Hahaha “Brodin”

  • CT-12

    Hahaha, I’m very happy 365DaysofHorror! Funny shit as usual man, keep em coming! (by the way, this was the article of camo clothing I saw that came into question – I swear I’ve seen these on some of their shirts too but I can’t find any images online) http://tshirtslayer.com/files-tshirt/styles/shirtview/public/user-2013/e43a109c172bb538e4e252279c003c80.jpg?itok=0PPyMac2

  • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair
  • Óðhinn

    This shirt is appropriately offensive for all occasions. I’d wear it, but I find the idea of people thinking I listen to Cradle of Filth offensive. Oh the irony.

    http://www.posters.ws/images/950604/cradle_of_filth_vestal.jpg