Shirt Stains: Chuck Schuldiner Facebook Bootlegs

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Inside Crystal Mountain, bootlegs are reborn.

Facebook bootleg shirts are on the rise. We previously covered these awful shirts and Whitechapel recently spoke out against them. Much like their fake news problem, Facebook has been slower than sloth shit in removing these Facebook pages that advertise poor quality shirts. It’s like Facebook just wants those delicious advertising bucks and the people who actually make up the site to go sit and spin. Weird, right? These bootleg shirts prey on the naïve. They rip off fans and deny the bands the merchandise money that helps keep the band going.

As time goes by, the bootlegs seem to be getting bolder in their utter crappiness. Strange mash-ups of bands and sports teams, bad photoshops, and broken English are just the tip of the bootleg ‘berg. Things get even weirder with these bootlegs for deceased Death and Control Denied guitarist/vocalist Chuck Schuldiner.

Toilet Ov Hell Facebook Group member Ryan Cowdy brought the following shirts to my attention, and I don’t know whether I should thank him or quietly weep in the corner. They all come from a Facebook page called “Chuck Schuldiner I Still Miss Him”. I included a hyperlink just for the sake of posterity and accuracy. Do not join the over 1,000 people that have already liked that page. Do not order anything from that page. Don’t even put your credit card near that page just in case the bootleggers have invented some sort of new money-stealing technology. Just know that such a thing exists and then take the rest of the day off to recover.

 

chuckschuldinerpeanutsbootleg

This shirt is the most mind-boggling and deserves the most attention. For reasons unknown to myself or possibly anyone else in the universe not involved in the making of this, the shirt depicts beloved Peanuts comic strip and cartoon character Charlie Brown solemnly looking at the ground and saying (or shouting, since it is in ALL CAPS) “I STILL MISS CHUCK SCHULDINER.” Why? Why is Charlie Brown saying that? Is Charlie Brown supposed to be a death metal fan? Apparently, in Tirana or whatever economically depressed Eastern European city this came from, they don’t read Peanuts or watch the holiday specials because they’d know that Charlie Brown is a fan of funeral doom and DSBM. They must have also missed the memo that said Peanuts had strong Christian overtones and Schuldiner, while not religious, was Jewish.

Is there a weird cross-section of Death and Peanuts fans that we should know about? Has this been an untapped market just waiting for an enterprising bootlegger to dig into and release like an oil derrick? Does this also mean we’re going to get more comic strip/death metal mash-ups? Doonesbury/Dying Fetus shirts? Hi and Lois/Suffocation? Marmaduke/Morbid Angel? Hagar The Horrible/Amon Amarth? Okay, that last one would be fun, but you know what I mean.

The actual website selling this enigma box says “**Not sold in stores.” Fuck, I hope that’s true. I would rally the metal masses to any store that carried this shirt and have us all rub our butt cheeks onto the store’s windows until they relented. Non-violent resistance is the way to go. It’s what Gandhi would have wanted. The site also sells this terrible, terrible design as a Kids Hoodie for $39.99. Do not get this for your children. You will have to visit them with a court-appointed guardian and they will spend years in therapy because of it. Was this all done because Schuldiner and Peanuts creator Charles Schultz have similar names? That’s even worse than pretending Charlie Brown still bumps Individual Thought Patterns.

Good grief.

 

chuckschuldinerfacebookbootleg

If that Peanuts shirt was too cute for you, have no fear because Chuck Schuldiner I Still Miss Him has got you covered. How about a shirt where cartoon hands rip open your chest to reveal the death metal forefather casually living inside of you? Chuck’s come-hither stare betrays the absolute horror of his purgatory trapped inside a gullible person who spent over $20 on something so stupid. This shirt is like a Superman story if David Lynch had written it. An explosion rocks Metropolis and Clark Kent runs to a phone booth to change into Superman. As Superman crosses into the Black Lodge, he rips his shirt off to reveal that a death metal icon is calmly living inside him. Lois Lane dances around as Mr. Mxyzptlk speaks in reverse. A stop light swings in the wind. Credits roll.

Don’t worry, I’m sure the bootlegger totally got permission to use this picture for the shirt just like they definitely paid the estates of both Charles Schultz and Chuck Schuldiner. Everything is on the up-and-up here. Also, where are those hands on the shirt coming from?

chuckschuldinercomicsansbootleg

Do you still want a shirt, but feel bad that Schuldiner’s image is being used? CSISMH has still got you covered. They take the same stupid shirt-ripping design and just replace the picture with “I STILL MISS CHUCK SCHULDINER.” They use Comic Sans, the most serious of fonts to use when you want to convey sadness and mourning. I absolutely love that they just barely fit his last name onto the shirt just like I love that this page uses the same shirt, complete with folds and wrinkles, for each shirt. Bra-fucking-vo.

 

So what are people saying about these shirts?

chuckschuldinerressponse

A little dramatic, but this person isn’t wrong.

chuckschuldinerressponse1

Hunting someone down for making a bootleg is a bit much, but I like your attitude.

chuckschuldinerressponse2

This poor soul actually purchased a shirt and appears to have been ripped off. Hopefully that serves as a warning to any other potential buyers. If you can’t trust a random bare-bones Facebook page selling shirts featuring the image of a dead musician, who can you trust?

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  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Can I have a Charie Brown themed Funeral Doom band please?

    • Abradolf Lincler

      only if the vocals are in the voice of the teacher

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        We can call it Good Grief.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    David Lynch segment was genius.

    • GL

      u miss spelted mai name, boi

  • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

    Always steer clear of Bootleg shirts. Official licensed band shirts FTW.

    New Death Worship EP finally leaked if anyone is interested. James Read (Revenge) on the Skins, plus half the Blasphemy line-up. A perfect blend of Revenge and Blasphemy. Crushing stuff.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChV8CnlZB0Q&feature=youtu.be

  • Howard Dean
  • KyleJMcBride

    The only bootleg shirt I’ve ever owned was a Van Halen shirt I won at a carnival when I was 13.

    • Howard Dean

      Haha, that’s awesome. Carnivals always have a nice selection of bootleg everything. Growing up I remember the country fair near me always having a plethora of Molly Hatchet bootleg shirts, Tommy Hilfiger knockoffs, and cheap butterfly knives. Good stuff.

  • RustyShackleford

    “Apparently, in Tirana or whatever economically depressed Eastern European city…”

    You better watch your mouth cause us Albanians will mess you up BRO! I’ll send the Sparrow on your ass lol YUP!!

    http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/8/8a/Communistgeneral.JPG/revision/latest?cb=20100401175841

  • Stanley

    Most of the shirts that I’ve bought at a merch booth lately have been of such poor quality that they may as well be bootlegs. Bands, get your shit together, put out a decent product and charge a coupla bucks more.

    • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

      Gildan brand or fuck off.

      • Space Monster W.

        the worst

        • Space Monster W.

          Wait, Gildan sucks too. Their fit is awful. They think people are shaped like boxes.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Gildan is all I buy. Best quality shirts IMO.

          • Pentagram Sam

            I’m fine by Gildan too. First things I always look for when buying shirts from bands on tour is to check the seams in the armpits.

            Used to have that problem but not so much on Gildans.

            The Toilet Of Hell shirt does fit nice though and that’s *gasp* American Apparel?

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Ah, good tip. Hells Headbangers and Warlord clothing all use Gildan brand. I learned the Dark Decent uses Hanes brand last week. Got my a Adversarial hoodie and noticed. No problems yet but it’s way thinner material than Gildan branded sweatshirts. I try and make an effort to ask before I buy shirts and hoodies now.

          • Space Monster W.

            American Apparel fits really well if you’re on the thin side, but the shirts aren’t as durable as Gildan. If you wear band shirts all the time, I guess that could be an issue.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            That’s all I wear. Even under my work attire.

          • Stanley

            I only like bands for about a year or until the next trend comes along so that’s not a problem for me.

          • Space Monster W.

            lol

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Better throw away yout Mgla shirts bro.

          • Stanley

            I’ll probably frame that one when it falls apart.

          • Space Monster W.

            Scrapbook it

          • Stanley

            Ooh, good idea. “All hail the reapers of hope, all hail seer of confusion”, will look great in my Nihilist Scrapbook. Just need to check if there are any blank pages left.

          • Space Monster W.

            Some maggot carapaces would be a nice touch.

          • Stanley

            Do maggots have carapaces?

          • Abradolf Lincler

            sometimes eventually

          • Space Monster W.

            Now that you mention it, probably not. I imagine their skins are pretty permeable, similar to mucus membranes. I’ll investigate further.

          • Space Monster W.

            Uh, don’t google maggot skin unless you’re into seeing pictures of botfly infestations.

          • Space Monster W.

            Also, an answer to the question: “The babies are called larvae. Caterpillars and maggots are examples of insect larvae. Larvae often have soft exoskeletons that stretch so they can grow fast, and they go through a resting stage called a pupa before emerging as an adult.”

            So, kind of a soft one.

          • Stanley

            I was just going to reply to BB. I thought maybe a chrysalis counted, but then I thought, oh, but that’s caterpillars not maggots.

            I guess the pupa is formed during the transformation stage and not during the flesh eating maggot stage.

          • Space Monster W.

            Yep. I think we often forget that flies have a pupa stage because it’s rare to see them (i.e. the pupae are tucked into a dark, damp place like inside something).

          • nbm02ss

            If that’s what Warlord uses then I guess I’m a Gildan fan, too. Everything I’ve ordered from them fits great, so far.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Warlord RULES! Been buying from them since 2007.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            as a brick wall shaped person, Gildan rocks. ever thought your body type might be the problem!?

          • Space Monster W.

            Couldn’t be

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            Gildan medium shirt fits me like a glove. Durable shirts too. I’ve had some Gildan branded band shirts since High School.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            i believe im rocking a white gildan xl vneck under my work shirt right now. my arms look amazing this thing. we should do promos for Gildan

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          but the best working conditions in their factories

      • Stanley

        Gildan work well for people with bodies like Spongebob Square pants. I prefer American Apparel or Next Level. They’re not as thick as Gildan, but at least they don’t make my puny arms look even more…uh….punier?

        • Space Monster W.

          See, this is exactly what I’m saying.

        • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

          Buy a smaller shirt perhaps. I’m skinny like you and have no issues. Plus I cut the sleeves off.

          • Stanley

            I had to cut the sleeves off my Infernal War T shirt because one sleeve was longer than the other. What the WTF!!! Now I get to show off all my muscles.

          • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

            I like to show off my arm bones. The ladies love it.

    • Pentagram Sam

      PUT A GODDMAAN BACKPRINT. Even if it’s just the song names, PUT A FUCKING BACKPRINT. Even if you tour out the ass and cheap out with a “US / Euro tour 2017 – 2018” and no dates, HAVE A BACK PRINT.

      Shirts without a backprint just feel like cheap, shitty, stamp em on the press and out the door, Hot Topic 3rd rate crap

      • Next big shirt is gonna have the following back print: “HERE’S YOUR GODDAMN BACKPRINT!”
        hopefully in one of the classier fonts, like Papyrus

        • Pentagram Sam

          hhaha to me it just seems like a band takes a bit more extra effort when they take the time and the expense to do a two sided shirt. Plus, as a fan, since not alot of bands, especially local bands, do this it feels more “special” or something

          • I’m totally with you there.
            And maybe this is only something that I care about, but half the fun of wearing a band shirt is engaging with strangers on the street about the band being showcased on the shirt (whether it’s me wearing it, or the other person). Without back text, people are 50% less likely to make a new friend through mutual taste in music 🙂

    • nbm02ss

      I need to look to see what brand it is, but whoever is the brand for my Wormrot “Voices” shirt blows chunks. It’s an XL that fits like a medium.

      • Howard Dean

        It’s probably a t-shirt brand made for tiny Singaporean southeast Asian bodies.

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    One of my favorites was a shirt for “Rex Brown fans” cuz yeah Rex Brown is now practically fucking Ozzy status as a solo act. I might create an Ordo bootlegus or some shit to get rid of these photoshop motherfuckers.

  • IronLawnmower

    Chuckse

  • “A pathetic….EXCUSE…for a human being…”

  • Waynecro

    I don’t hate that Charlie Brown shirt. I mean, it’s kind of funny: Oh, that Charlie Brown! He’s always despondent about something or other! If Charlie Brown were cutting his wrists in the tub on the back of that shirt, it might be passable. I still wouldn’t buy it, but it would make me chuckle.

  • everyone knows Charlie Brown only listens to Slint

  • Max

    “Does this also mean we’re going to get more comic strip/death metal mash-ups? ”

    If so, I nominate Garfield / Unseen Terror.