Shirt Stains: Cartoon Cartoon
Gimme something to watch, but don’t gimme something to wear.
Everyone loves cartoons. Even Communists! It’s a fun little escape into magical worlds of talking animals, futuristic violence, or the evils of drugs. Of course, that love should have some limits. Like, your favorite animated character shouldn’t appear on pillows. That’s just no good. Same with bands. They shouldn’t appear as cartoon characters on their shirts and you definitely shouldn’t wear them.
In Flames – Toon Connected
What better way to let people know you shouldn’t be taken seriously any more than with a t-shirt featuring animated versions of yourself? Weird, bug-eyed, soulless animated versions of yourself. In Flames looks like they’re a fox spirit away from being in a magical girl anime. Anders can be Sailor Uranus. Drummer Bjorn Gelotte looks so sad, though. Is it because he’s down there in the corner all by himself? Did he really want to be Sailor Uranus? Did he just realize the infinite sadness of being a headless cartoon character floating without reason or purpose for all eternity? Did he not get a pair of limited edition In Flames pants? It shouldn’t matter, what with the not having legs and all, but it still would have been nice.
Why is this shirt in the style of an Indiana Jones box set? Do they just have a supreme love of the movies? Does that love include Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull? What about The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles? And what kind of adventures does In Flames go on? If it’s trips to the studio to record new music, I think I’ll pass. In fact, they should pass too.
Limp Bizkit – That Must Be A Space Shirt Because Your Gut Is Shaped Like The Moon
It’s the real motha-feel, ya’ll. I actually remember seeing people wear this shirt in my high school days. I wonder if they ever throw this on, when the kids are at school and the significant other is at work, maybe when they feel like they’re a chainsaw and they’ll skin your ass raw. Do they dust off their red Yankees hats and UFO pants, longing for the nights of hanging outside of IHOP and flipping the bird for every picture they’re in? Does former Blink 182er, noted UFO-ologist, and bastard love child of Tom Clancy and Billy Corgan, Tom Delonge get a raging boner when gazing upon the flying saucers in this shirt?
It’s oddly appropriate that Limp Bizkit would have a shirt in which they appear as soulless cartoon characters. It’s even more appropriate that they are surrounded by aliens. It’s as if they’re saying to us, “Yeah, we know we’re not real. It was all just a figment of your imagination. Ignore our pointing chins. Sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeep…” Now that I think about it, Fred Durst probably liked this shirt because the UFO’s kind of look like titties. Good job, Frederick.
Steel Panther – South Dorks
Fuck everything. No, wait. Don’t fuck everything. Save that for Steel Panther. Maybe if they try to fuck everything, they’ll get a vicious case of crotch rot and go away for good. Maybe they can even write a totes funny and super classy song about it. Fitting that a shitty band with a hackneyed, played-out idea that stopped being funny approximately 1.5 seconds after it occurred would have a shirt style that died over a decade ago. It’s helpful that they made the shirt white, that way people can judge them from far away.
If this shirt was a dessert, it would be dickleberry pie. If this shirt had a catchphrase it would be “Who ordered the syphilis?” If this shirt was a theme park, it would be called “Raw Sewage World.” If this shirt was a sex position, it would be called Disappointing Yak. If this shirt was a Steven Seagal movie, it would be called “Prolapse Master.” If this shirt was a month, it would be called Shameuary.
Cathedral – Reaching Happiness Touching Pain Lolling Buttz
What in the blue hell is going on here? Is Cathedral getting in on the hot sex cauldron action? Someone tell Mago de Oz! From afar, this looks like the folks at the Renaissance Fair got a little too deep in the mead and are caught somewhere between fighting and fornicating. “I shall unsheathe my sword and place it betwixt thine eyeballs. Wouldst thou like that? Methinks thou wouldst!”
This is actually a less detailed version of the art for Cathedral’s album The Ethereal Mirror. Without the extra details found in the original art, this is just a random mish-mash of out-of-context nightmare characters at fever-dream distortions. It’s like someone took a few hits of acid and decided to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. ‘Tis just a flesh OHMYGODHORSESANDDRAGONSAREEATINGMYBRAINS!” This is what it looks like when you put a bunch of M&Ms, Skittles, and rice pudding in your mouth and then don’t chew or swallow for a few minutes.
AC/DC – There is no god
I no longer fear Hell nor a Donald Trump presidency because of this shirt. This shirt is what it’s like to physically wear your night terrors. Even when you shut your eyes, you can still see it. Watching. Waiting. Just for the right time to strike. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. It may be years from now. Possibly after you’ve moved to another place and you’re settled in, the thought of the shirt long since forgotten. Maybe it will come when you’re celebrating your child’s birthday or your anniversary. You don’t know. The only thing you do know is that it will come back for you. All you can do is hope and pray that you are ready when it is your time. Godspeed, friends. Godspeed.