Shirt Stains: Camo Toe

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Cam-owned.

I don’t think it’s a big stretch to say that most metalheads have, at some point, owned a piece of camouflage-colored clothing. Sometimes it’s a shirt, maybe a hat, but usually it’s camo pants. There’s nothing wrong with that. Camo is cool on principal. Makes you look tough without having to invade another country and getting your bits and pieces blown to bits and pieces. Heck, not that long ago places like Abercrombie were selling camo shorts. Naturally, bands have created shirts using camouflage print. The results are as clear as day.

 Gideon – Camofluage for Jesus

GideonCamostains

Gideon is a Christian tuffguycore band on Facedown Records. JC would have wanted you to punch people in the back of the head in the pit. I think it was in xJohn316x. When they’re not moshing for Mary and spinkicking for St. Augustine, Gideon is putting out a camo shirt covered in white print. Look at all that writing! It totally defeats the purpose of having camouflage when you’ve got more white on your chest than Asa Akira.

Let’s look at what the shirt actually says: “-ALABAMA HARDCORE- .GIDEON. We need to get back to the love we used to know MM G XII”. That’s just the front. The back has “.A SENSE OF. FAMILY THE FEELING OF HOPE Facedown Facedown Records Records”. Try to say all that with a mouthful of the body of Christ. For good measure, we get the typical hardcore band shirt “live photo” splash. I do like that it talks about family when the picture looks like the singer is punching a kid in the face. Even if this wasn’t a camo shirt, it would still end up in Shirt Stains.

Nails- Grrrr ruh ruh ruh ruh!

nailsshirtstains

I’m sorry guys. I know Nails is the official band of all things ToH. Please don’t hurt me. It’s not the design of the shirt that’s the problem. Whereas the Gideon shirt above is a fail no matter what color the shirt, this design is actually cool. We’ve got a nice snarling wolf-beast and some barbed wire. That’s metal in any ball park. The band name is at the top in big letters. I could do without the schlong-inducing back quote, but it’s not that bad. Unfortunately, the camouflage color just brings the whole thing down.

The colors make the band name harder to read which is something you don’t really want considering that shirts are walking advertisements. It even makes the badass snarling wolf-beast look like he’s sneezing. Does Fenris have a case of the sniffles? It may seem like minor complaints, but it’s just enough to get some fans to think twice before buying it.

  Carcass – DeciBLAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH

CarcassCamostains

Oh dear. This has to be some sort of mistake. Maybe it’s a bootleg or just an approximation. Maybe it was created by a disgruntled t-shirt artist. Perhaps a curse was placed upon it by a witch’s coven. Whatever the case, again, camo manages to ruin an otherwise perfectly fine shirt. It’s got the Carcass logo (which has always been a little hard to read if you’re just quickly looking at it) and that cool little symbol with the tools and junk. Does it need to be on a camo shirt? Hell no! No army in the word would use that.

The back is a little weird as the dates run over the giant Decibel advertisement. What happened there? Was it to take away from the fact that it’s already hard enough to read since it’s printed on camouflage? It’s not like there were too many dates and they had to cram everything in like a tour shirt turducken.

So who gets the blame for this: Carcass or Decibel? I’ll blame Decibel mostly because I don’t like their reviews. “LOLOLOL this band has a weird name LOLOLOL 6/10”. Thanks guys. Top notch stuff. Good thing print is dying and the internet gives us fine places like ToH for reviews.

 Suicide Silence – Hidden Hard-on

suicidesilencestains

There really isn’t much to say about this shirt. There’s no reason it should be camo. It’s a dark, muddy camo color which may be better for hiding in the woods. Good thing there’s bright white lettering on it. Nothing special about the front, just the sploogey band logo. You may think I’m being too creative with my description, but check out the back of the shirt.

“LIVE LIFE HARD”. There’s no way that someone can look at that and not giggle like a school girl. The mind reels at all sorts of silly situations regarding that saying. Maybe a guy with a throat tattoo popping some Viagra and windmilling his ween around in the pit. How about a nice young lady sporting a dildo helmet and stage diving? Or maybe we just get a swole grandpa smashing posers and whippersnappers who won’t get hard, stay hard, and live life hard.

 We Came As Romans – We Left As Bros

WeCameAsCamostains

We Came As Romans is a WarpedTourcore band. That’s about all I can say about them as they fall under a pile of other similar bands that I completely ignore. Just like I See Stars, Pierce The Veil, The Smashening, Of Mice & Men, The Word Alive, Stars Taste Like Glass, Your Demise, Glamour of the Kill, etc. I made up two of those band names and I’ll bet some of you can’t guess which ones are fake. We Came As Romans don’t really appeal to the “metal” metal crowd, particularly when they get tour support for a band like this. Okay, enough stalling.

This shirt completely defeats the purpose of camouflage. Yeah, I know, so do the other shirts in the list, but this is the worst offender in terms of size and sheer “HEY LOOK AT ME”-ness. That’s totally a word. Look it up. Maybe if the shirt wasn’t camo it would be okay. Maybe if the logo wasn’t so big it would be okay. Maybe if the logo didn’t have multiple fonts it would be okay. Maybe if there wasn’t the random “initials in a cross” deal it would be okay. Yeah, and maybe monkeys might fly out of Ted Cruz’s butt.

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  • Dr. Dubz

    If that Nails shirt wasn’t camo, it would be pretty sweet. Also, bands should start making shirts in that neon orange hunter safety color.

    • Scrimm

      I want to make logo shirts for my stuff with an orange logo. But not the whole shirt.

      • Dr. Dubz

        That would actually be pretty cool. Orange could be utilized more as long as the bands don’t go overboard and look Halloweeny.

        • Herr Schmitty

          I could even deal with it being Halloweeny as long as they showed reverence for our great pumpkin overlords. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_OO0k_jC_yFo/TM4jFvNx06I/AAAAAAAAC3U/PPt-rjm5u00/s1600/on+halloween+night.jpg

          • KJM

            Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see!

        • Scrimm

          The Halloween colors are one of my favorite color combinations but It can quickly get out of control. Nothing more than the logo.

          • Dr. Dubz

            That would be cool.

          • Scrimm

            I made a preview of what it would look like at customink. I like it. Still some disagreement over which of two logos we’re going with though.

          • Dr. Dubz

            If Shirt Stains has taught me anything, it’s that you should just put both logos up and down the sleeves.

          • Scrimm

            Oh I plan on it, just not in Orange. Also profanities in large letters on the back.

          • Don’t forget explicit homoerotic imagery!

          • Dr. Dubz

            That’s without question!

          • Scrimm

            Ohh good save, I would have forgot.

  • Scrimm

    A very drunken me bought that Carcass shirt at the show last year. Don’t wear it. I did however cut off all my pants from my army days and when not as fat as I currently am I still wear them all the time. I feel like I earned them.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Ugh, camo is just the worst. Why can’t people just strip and cover themselves in mud and leaves like they did in the old days?

  • The Beargod

    Stars Taste Like Glass and The Smashening were the fake names, right?

  • Tyree
  • The Beargod

    Anybody else bothered by WCAR taking their name from Botch and not sounding like them at all?

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      Did they take their name from Botch? We Are the Romans isn’t the same as We Came As Romans.

      • STOP FIGHTING

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          Shut up Jimmy McFries.

          • try again. not funny.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            ‘Twas not supposed to be funny. I am not funny..

          • BLOODBEARDE

            Disagree

          • CyberneticOrganism

            You are my ideal Tapir. That book told me so.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            You’re a robot. You can’t feel love.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Who said anything about love?

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            I did.

      • The Beargod

        I always thought it was too close a resemblance to be coincidende, but what do I know.

  • Herr Schmitty

    Dude, THESE ARE SO BAD.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I’ve never actually heard Chunk No Captain Chunk until just now.

    BRB, gonna go stab myself in the ears.

  • BLOODBEARDE

    I dont know if you’ve been waiting years for this but I have. Prepare another contender for AOTY:

    https://youtu.be/rkslz3ybS-A

    • hey that’s not UDO

      • BLOODBEARDE

        I took the day off work. Finding this made my sleep-in even better.

        Tomorrow we go see Liturgy and Sannhet, I get a new(old) car. And then sunday we see BTBAM and The Atlas Moth.

        • BTBAM is gud. too bad @BasedTapir:disqus doesn’t like them.

          • BLOODBEARDE

            I’ve seen ’em like a berjillion times, so I’m not that excited. The Atlas Moth is the sole reason we’re going to that one.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            I want a divorce.

    • holy fvck this is GOOD. it’s black metal meets devin townsend.

      • BLOODBEARDE

        I didn’t think they could live up to Venera: Trial & Tribulation but they did. They certainly did.

        • dis new to me. i see that the new album is available… BOUGHT. <3 pirate

          • BLOODBEARDE

            I believe someone mentioned them a while back as part of one of the crowdfunding posts. I didn’t know they had finished it yet. y/w detective <3

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Major chords? Not kvlt.

      • BLOODBEARDE

        O ye robet of little faith

  • Shrimp ov Bad Opinions

    “I made up two of those band names and I’ll bet some of you can’t guess which ones are fake.”
    I think I found my favourite ToH writer.

    • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

      The only reason I could tell which ones were fake was because I hear all about them at college. I can see many people not telling them apart.

  • Either the We Came as Romans model is shaped like a trash bag, or that’s the worst fitting shirt of all time.

    • Scrimm

      Dem narrow shoulders bro.

      • BLOODBEARDE

        This. Feel sorry for that boy.

    • Honkey Wienerfart

      And he even comes with the ultimate bro stereotype: a microphone tattoo! That simply screams “dude, let’s get together tonight, get oiled up, listen to All That Remains and watch some Floyd Mayweather fights! And maybe have a tickle fight afterwards. No homo!”.

  • Dagon

    I only read the first paragraph and it already hurts… Damn those were great burns. I can’t wait for the rest of the roasting.

  • BrosephOfNazareth

    I’ve never read a Decibel review where they actually rate a band on their name alone. Call me a Luddite, but it warms my cackles that hard copy media like Decibel and Zero Tolerance exist still. Sometimes I dintveantbto bring my phone to the toilet when I am faced with need to expel last nights treasure trove of consumed Bdubz wings from my body.

    • Dr. Dubz

      The only thing that comes to mind was an a pretty lengthy piece talking about how Kylesa would be better if they changed their name to Kyle S A. Obviously wasn’t serious.

    • Honkey Wienerfart

      I used to laugh back in the day when my boss at ChainDLK said that digital media would pretty much kill off printed media. Now I stand corrected!

  • Dagon

    We left as bros
    I’m leaving dead
    *dies

    • KJM

      (dying intensifies)

      • Dagon

        I died over 9000 deaths after reading that line

  • Ted Cruz would find a way to make monkeys fly out of his ass if it gained him more support from those rifle barrel deep-throaters.

    • KJM

      Please stop making me picture Ted Cruz’ ass.

      • Herr Schmitty

        I pictured Ted Cruz’s ass deep-throating a rifle.

        That should be his official campaign picture!

        • KJM

          Oh good God.

  • Stanley

    I muss confess to once owning a Shadow’s Fall camouflage T-Shirt. If anyone has the Exodus Live At The DNA Tempo of the Damned record release party DVD, the is a quick segment of me being interviewed wearing it.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Shadows Fall, eh?

      • Stanley

        I quite liked The Art of Balance when it came out. I also have The War Within and Threads of Life but unfortunately they get very little airtime.

        • Dr. Dubz

          Not poking fun, Stanley. They were always one of the better metalcore bands. I once hung out with the guitarists at a biker bar in Deep Ellum.

          • Stanley

            Dunno about metalcore. More Thrash. This opening riff is a hair raiser.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lo8YUV5os8&spfreload=10

          • Scrimm

            Of one blood was great, at least at the time. Haven’t played it in years.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Yah, I haven’t jammed an album from them in quite some time, but they were more bearable than a lot of the New England scene.

          • KJM

            I saw them once at Ozzfest 2005, pretty good compared to most of the other bands that day.

          • Scrimm

            I did too, but there was only one band I cared about that day.

          • KJM

            Sabbath and Maiden were the sole reasons for my presence.

  • OldMetalHead

    One of the issues I have with these is most are hard to read due to the camo print. If you’re going to advertise for a metal band people aught to at least be able to read the shirt.

    • Exactly! (refresh)

      • Shrimp ov Bad Opinions

        Visceral something-isgu-something. Better than average!

      • OldMetalHead

        I knew this was going to be the counter argument, but at least fans of that band would recognize the logo 🙂

  • Stanley

    There are some choice lines in this article. Here are a couple that made me chortle.

    “Naturally, bands have created shirts using camouflage print. The results are as clear as day.”

    “It totally defeats the purpose of having camouflage when you’ve got more white on your chest than Asa Akira.”

    • I chortled heartily at these lines as well.

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      I almost had to Google Asa Akira to remember who she was, but then I remembered and realized I’m an idiot and Googled her anyway.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      I submit the following choice lines as well: “Maybe a guy with a throat tattoo popping some Viagra and windmilling his ween around in the pit.” ”

      How about a nice young lady sporting a dildo helmet and stage diving?”

      “Or maybe we just get a swole grandpa smashing posers and whippersnappers who won’t get hard, stay hard, and live life hard.”

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    I own that Nails shirt.

    It finally happened. Something I own is featured in this column.

  • I own a pair of at least 10 year old Calvin Klein camo shorts that are approaching crust punk status due to wear and year. How much money do you guys think a hipster would ante up for these?

  • Siqq Burnington

    Camo is cool. I owned a baggy grey camo short years ago. Would wear it every day.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    Wow, these shirt stains literally look like shit this time.
    Not just one, but all of them. Took you long enough.

  • CT-12

    Somehow Obituary evaded this Shirt Stains, don’t know how haha